HELP! Mom has unrealistic expectations?

[GardenGal]

Need some good advice ladies... WWYD?

DCB 2.5 has been with me since last summer (PT all summer, FT since fall - Mom's a teacher). She stayed home with him longer than the year - IMO more to ease her worries than his. He has CRAZY separation issues and still falls apart on occasion due to separation from Mom. He barely speaks and it's a daily struggle to get him to participate with the other kids. He just closes off and sits by himself. He's happy and chatty when Mom's around, but not all day. It's been a lot of patience to get him feeling good in my home to this point, but it's a challenge every day. Have seen the family out and they still baby him like an infant.. carrying him constantly, the baby talk, etc. etc.

The issue? Mom has been doing the passive-aggressive thing at pick-up every day asking what he ate, sleeping habits, what he did all day, etc. etc. He is in cloth diapers so she doesn't need to ask about that, she can go home to inspect for herself. Every day it's a grill session. If it were a "sometimes" thing, I'd likely pay it no mind, but she obviously has concerns. I've asked her directly if she has dietary concerns. She casually says no, but "if he had pasta for lunch I don't want to feed him pasta for dinner". I think it's very thinly veiled lack of trust. I've gotten a few comments about how certain foods that I have fed him are "nutritionally empty" in her view.

I think this... she is having a hard time with being away from him and being back at work now that the novelty of the new situation has worn off and she is looking for a place to express it. She doesn't really seem to "get" that putting your child in FT DC means that you will have to trust your dcp and give up some control.

Thoughts, please? Has anyone else encountered this situation? What would you do? Do you think that drawing the line about her controlling my day would work so that we can move on? I've devoted so much effort to warming this little guy up that I think a move to another dc would be really harmful to his already fragile state.

WWYD? Thanks!!!

[Cocoon]

I don't think she is "passive-aggressive" because she asked how her sons' day was and what he had for lunch etc. And I think saying "He is in cloth diapers so she doesn't need to ask about that, she can go home to inspect for herself." is very wrong.

All parents' wonder and ask how their child/ren's day were. If they don't ask then it's abnormal. I personally think there is nothing wrong with her asking those questions. She just wants to know how her sons' day was that's all. And I think as her sons caregiver you MUST tell her how his day went regardless of her asking or not asking.


Cocoon

[Cocoon]

By the way, I love the heading "HELP! Mom has unrealistic expectations? " How dare she!? :)

[GardenGal]

Thanks for the reply. But whoa, Nelly. I think that maybe you got the wrong idea here, Cocoon. I am glad to tell my parents details of the day, as I remember having my kids in care and wanted to keep in the know about what went on with them. I feel like I'm made to answer for myself every day. The other parents ask about their kids' days, but it is not from a point of scrutiny. It's friendly and casual.

The part that I am not really enjoying is the frequency and tone of how she asks these questions. Then to be put on the spot about what he ate and be criticised when A) 90% of their lunches are home-made and healthy and B) they have fruits and veggies at every meal is a bit much to take. We can't have organic quinoa, salmon and green beans for lunch every day... the other kids would lynch me! :) I really can't be expected to tailor menus to the input of 5 different families. Would you?

How would you react in my place? Would you just put up with being cross-examined every day at pick-up? I feel like it will not stop until we come to a resolution. I have tried to come to a fair compromise in offering that if she prefers to control what he is eating that she is welcome to pack his lunch and I'll be glad to serve it, but she refuses.

Back to "nutritionally empty" again tomorrow, I suppose... and the third degree... Politely, of course.

Anyone have any constructive suggestions or feedback? I'm not looking for finger-pointing here or side-taking, but some advice that could help resolve the issue?

[dodge__driver11]

Sometimes people in her situation and profession forget that WE OWN THE DAYHOME. I would sit down, and let her know that while you understand her need to know about the kid's day --that building a trust relationship is key here, and that you feel that you are not trusted, and that bugs you; Tell her that without trust she is doing her little one a dis service, because her little guy will sense that...however you'd like to phrase that. Because in the end you want to be this little guys "buddy" right?

In my dayhome parents ask how long kid A napped, what his/her mood like and if I need anything by way of changes of clothes wipes etc..it takes maybe 5 mins or so...nothing like this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL

As for the food I serve what I serve end of story, my handbook states that if you want alternatives (parents) you (parents) must provide them. Pretty black and white there.

If she feels the need to do this then she needs a nanny. IMHO.

Hope that helps.

[Cocoon]

Sorry, you did not find my post constructive but, I still think the same about her inquiring about her sons' day. I don't know how her tone was when she asked those questions but to be honest, I can't think of any tone that would upset me if a parent asks me about their kids day. On your first post you did not mentioned about her wanting organic food. You can tell her that you don't serve organic food simple.

I'm not here to poke you, you asked advice and I'm giving. :) And I'm telling you that it wouldn't bother me if she asks me those questions. In fact, I tell whole my families how our day was? What they had for lunch? etc. before they even ask.
I feel there is something else happened in the past which irritate you that's why you find it annoying when she ask questions.

Cocoon

[playfelt]

Part of dealing with a parent like this is knowing that you are doing nothing wrong and sticking up for that. If she asks about the menu refer her to what is on the wall - ie post your menu for her to go look at. If she doesn't like it not your problem as you have offered her the option of bringing alternate foods. Part of accepting our home for their child is that they have to accept all of it so that means there will be days when things aren't 100% anything - this is a home afterall and things happen.

I get what you mean by her tone of voice. It's like being the witness in court - you have done nothing wrong but you are being badgered by the accussed's lawyer. You do not deserve that and do not have to tolerate that. She is treating you like the fired nanny and that you are not. I might even put it that way saying something like I'm sorry but I am getting really offended each night you pick up as if I have not done the best for your child. If you are truly unhappy then you should take him somewhere else and see what she says.

In reality she is probably just suffering from a severe case of mother guilt and again bring it to her attention and let her know that while you don't mind sharing about his day you are not willing to do a play by play but will give highlights only. Tell her that is normal. Let her know that she is still a good mother even if she doesn't know how many spoonfuls of peas the child ate at lunch or what time of day he pooped. All she needs to know is that he ate well and did have a poop. Details can't matter because there are too many children to deal with.

[Cadillac]

Sympathy and understanding does WONDERS for parents like this. We tend to think that the child is doing all of the adjusting but the separation thing can be harder on the parents sometimes. Many parents feel like no one can take care of their child like they do. but you know what? they are right. you don't take care of them like they would, as you are NOT THEM. But, that doesn't mean you don't do a bang up job. Telling her that you are sensing that she's having a hard time with this separation, having a dialogue about it, then moving on to the feeling that this is causing a trust issue between the two of you might very well calm her. Once she is calm you'll probably see a whole different side to mom.

Been through this before a few times. I know that its super irritating but smiling through it and empathizing has NEVER done anything but good.

[mom-in-alberta]

I think the girls are right by suggesting that you have an open dialogue about how she is feeling. Just approach it as "Hey, now that you are back to work full time for a little while now, I was wondering how everything is going? How have you all settled in?" That gives her an opportunity to voice any concerns that she may have. You already have an idea of what it is that she doesn't like/feel comfortable with, so hopefully nothing catches you off guard. Either way, keep your cool and let her know that for the relationship to work, she needs to trust that you are taking the very best care of her little man.
If she asks how he is settling in; tell her honestly that he is still having some challenges, but that you feel that it may have something to do with her feeling uncomfortable.
Good luck, and let us know what happens.

[GardenGal]

Thanks so much ladies. :) It's so nice to know that there are others who can offer perspective with this! It's odd to me that I can tell every other parent all of this stuff without the slightest apprehension that they will be upset, but I know that this is constantly an issue for this one mom. On leaving today she asked me to set up a meeting with her via email so that we could discuss this, then hubby called saying he'd spoken to his wife and now was asking me to explain my side of our discussion today. (???) Explained the same thing to him as politely as possible and told him how this made me feel (he;s the drop-off person and is not very "in the know" about dcb, generally). His reply was something to the effect that since they were quite technically my "employers" that I should want them to be happy with my services. Insert jaw-drop here.

Notice in writing will be ready to go tomorrow morning.... That's about where I draw the line. I will wish them the best of luck while my heart breaks to think of how hard it's going to be for the little guy to adjust again. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not so much.

I'm now seeing signs from over the last several months that should have told me something was off... General disrespect for my home, counting kids in care when we've never exceeded, instructions on how to diaper him (that one was a shocker). Gotta work on listening to that gut! Thanks again ladies. Really appreciate the feedback. :)

[Skysue]

Thanks for the reply. But whoa, Nelly. I think that maybe you got the wrong idea here, Cocoon. I am glad to tell my parents details of the day, as I remember having my kids in care and wanted to keep in the know about what went on with them. I feel like I'm made to answer for myself every day. The other parents ask about their kids' days, but it is not from a point of scrutiny. It's friendly and casual.

The part that I am not really enjoying is the frequency and tone of how she asks these questions. Then to be put on the spot about what he ate and be criticised when A) 90% of their lunches are home-made and healthy and B) they have fruits and veggies at every meal is a bit much to take. We can't have organic quinoa, salmon and green beans for lunch every day... the other kids would lynch me! :) I really can't be expected to tailor menus to the input of 5 different families. Would you?

How would you react in my place? Would you just put up with being cross-examined every day at pick-up? I feel like it will not stop until we come to a resolution. I have tried to come to a fair compromise in offering that if she prefers to control what he is eating that she is welcome to pack his lunch and I'll be glad to serve it, but she refuses.

Back to "nutritionally empty" again tomorrow, I suppose... and the third degree... Politely, of course.

Anyone have any constructive suggestions or feedback? I'm not looking for finger-pointing here or side-taking, but some advice that could help resolve the issue?

Send home a written report of the childs day and tell her that she is more than welcome to provide her own food for her little one, that way there will be no quesion regarding intake.

See how that goes!

Woops just saw your last post! Good decison, just did the same thing myself! We really do need to listen to that inside voice!

Good luck!

[Cadillac]

you are NOT their EMPLOYEES, they are YOUR Clients. Big difference, more than just wording

[Judy Trickett]

How about this.......if her main concern is lunch then make up a monthly calendar, email it to her and stick to what is written on it. Then see if her questions cease. If she just moves on to start grilling you on a different round of questions daily about a new issue THEN you will know if it's trust or she was just curious about his day.

Personally, I worry MORE about parents who NEVER ask anything. I don't get a lot of mundane questioning because most of my daycare is transparent in that I post a monthly calendar so they already know the answer to things like food and special days etc. Most providers have calendars like this.

[Littledragon]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've been a nanny in the past, and have dealt with two ultra pass-aggressive mothers. Their concerns are legitimate but it's the way they present themselves, I get it. I think that yes, it is difficult for her to let go of her son and her control. She's expecting you to be HER. I think that asking about his bowel movements is a little much (unless he has a history of having problems) and although she doesn't ask because she doesn't have to - you know she would. If I had a mother like this, I would sit her down and explain to her that you understand her concern but she needs to decide whether or not she trusts you. That her attitude makes you second guess everything you're doing with the children and that's not fair for you, or them. And if she is so dissatisfied with your care, she can go elsewhere. Yes, it may be detrimental for the child to have to move daycare, but they clearly are damaging him anyways by the way theu are smothering him. I had a mother like that, smothered her children beyond measure and I had to tell her straight up that her smothering would actually create more problems for them in the future.
The bottom line is ultimately your sanity. You don't need someone questioning your every move. You're a professional and she needs to trust that or she can go elsewhere.

[sunnydays]

As others have said, I would definitely make up a weekly or monthly menu so that she knows what her child is eating. This was a concern of mine when my child attended daycare and I hated having to ask every day, but I really felt I needed to know what he was eating as good nutrition is important to me. I see that you are already moving to terminate, but perhaps for the future this could at least avoid one issue. However, if they are treating you poorly, then terminating is the right thing...only you know.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I am one of those people who thinks that on the grand scheme of the 'early years' and all the AMAZING things that occur during this time why are we so focused on eating/sleeping/pooping? While I understand as caregivers we need to pay ATTENTION to these things to track healthy eating, sleeping and pooping habits unless there is an ISSUE why is this the focus of our conversation with parents?

Personally I am with Judy ... I post my menu for their reflection - it is a menu I create on Friday for the next week WITH the children - each child old enough to be verbal or follow direction and point aids in planning the menu through pictures and planning a balanced 'plate' with fruits/veggies/meat/grains .... so my menu is 'catered' to the tastes and likes of each child so in this families case at least ONE morning snack, lunch and afternoon snack a week would be chosen by the child with support from me and the others reflective of the other families. However unless I have a concern to share with clients I expect them to trust that their child tried meals and ate enough to be 'full' for their needs.

Same with nap time - it is posted when naps are avialable and unless there is an issue it is assumed that they 'rested according to their needs'.

It is assumed that children who are eating and sleeping to their 'needs' therefore are peeing and pooping to their needs ... I only discuss this with clients if they are 'toilet training' or have not gone here - if they HAVE gone I do not bring it up so parents can assume that 'no news is good news'...if the kid does not go at home than they will 'double check' just in case.

My conversations and documentation about the children to parents focus on the fun we had in care, what we mastered new in way of development and any areas we are struggling with in regards to skill development ... I use photos to create living documentation about their 'health and well being' to share and build trust with clients cause a photo is worth a 1000 words ... and five years from now IMO THAT is going to have way more meaning to that family that a 'what I ate, slept and pooped' journal ... and well I have way more fun creating their 'portfolio' than any 'what I ate slept and pooped' journal I had to keep in centre care ;)

I agree that this sounds like a 'trust' issue and nothing to do with concern over food ... address the reason why she is feeling this way and you will have smooth sailing and likely a much more positive experience ... share with her that if her CHILD is sensing she is uncomfortable than he will emulate that mistrust as well ... we all want what is best for the child ... happy provider and happy mama = happy child ;)

[mom-in-alberta]

Glad they are gone... you are not their "employee"!!
Good luck finding a lovely family to fill that spot. :)