View Full Version : Attachment

03-14-2012, 08:53 AM
Help! I normally think of myself as a patient caregiver but I have recently started caring for a 10 month old that cries constantly if I am not holding him. The parents also have this issue at home and I'm starting to wonder if I should end this relationship even though it is casual care. Any tips?

03-14-2012, 09:02 AM
Casual care/part time care takes WAY longer for the little one to adjust I have found. I had one little girl who took 6 months to finally stop the non-stop crying as she was only 1-2 days a week. Once she adjusted though she is a wonderful little girl. I thought countless times of terminating the family and now I'm so glad that I didn't.

For me, I'm more of a tough love kinda person. I do pick them up and hold them, but certainly not all the time. I reassure and have them sit close to me, I talk to them all the time and constantly say things like: your ok, I'm right here etc etc. I encourage them to play with the toys. I will hold their little hands while we are playing for a while too so that they feel safe and secure. If the parents begin to do this at home too eventually it will get less and less each day.

A few of the ladies on here 'babywear' and that seems to really help in their daycares too so maybe someone will post how that all works (since I don't do it). Hang in there, it gets better!

Sandbox Sally
03-14-2012, 10:54 AM
Sometimes, leaving an insecure little one to cry on the floor when they want/need to be held can backfire. Sometimes it can breach a trust that you're trying to establish. I do babywearing, and it has worked very well so far. The little one doesn't know you, has been plunked into your home away from the only security he or she knows. Some children are able to adjust to this, but just as many cannot. I find that babywearing creates a trust with the baby, and with this trust, the newbie will more quickly feel secure and cared for, thereby lessening adjustment times.

Just my .02 :)

Inspired by Reggio
03-14-2012, 11:00 AM
I am transitioning in one like that at the moment as well - like Michelle I also do the weaning back ... First couple weeks held him LOTS to get him feeling secure reassured verbally when I had no choice but to put him down ... Slowly hold him less and less as he plays more and more ... It's been a month and be comes in happy now and plays great as long as I am in sight but lord help me if I walk out the room to grab something in kit hen or a diaper for someone and am gone for a second and he notices - you'd thnk toe nails were being pulled...but it is slowly getting better cause that was the noise initially did not matter if I held him or not those first hours but he is getting there!

03-14-2012, 04:10 PM
I haven't had to deal with it myself (yet) but I'm a tough love kinda person too. I mean I'd hold you but if I have to prep food, change another diaper then if you're crying then.....you're crying. At my weekly playgroup there is a 13mos old like this. His mother babywears him at home not to deal with the crying but the provider has 4 other under 3.5yrs old.....she can't hold him all day. So us other ladies take turns during the playdate taking him to the other end of the room....distracting with a toy and go back to our area....all while his dcp is hiding from his sight. It's strting to go on 2hrs before he notices he hasn't been in her arms and freaks! LOL it's getting much better though.....and this has been a battle since he was 10mos old!

Hang in there is all I've got for you ((hugs))

03-14-2012, 04:22 PM
I had a parent babywear their little one all the time as she couldn't deal with his crying. As a mom, I understand that it's tough but at the same time ~ these little ones need to learn how to self soothe as there isn't going to always be someone there to carry him around. This mom would carry him around to fall asleep too!
I agree with Alphagetti that you don't want to leave them for too long as your trying to get the little one to trust you..having said that I am a tough love type of person too. I always reassure the little one that I'm here for them by having them sit with me and rub their backs and I for sure give lots of cuddles but no babywear for this provider. Some providers swear by it and it's all about what your comfortable with really.
Some little ones take longer than others to adjust. You just have to know your own breaking point and what your able to take. It can get really tough listening to a little one cry. I'm not sure how long this little one has been with you. Casual care can take longer to adjust too
Good luck!

Sandbox Sally
03-14-2012, 05:11 PM
I disagree that babies "need to learn" to self soothe. Babies need their emotional well being taken care of as much as their physical well being, so that they can be detached creatures as they mature. When you ignore a baby's cries, whether it's with leaving them to self soothe on the floor or in their cribs, you are teaching them to give up, not to be independent. This is where my child care philosophies differ from the mainstream, and I understand this completely. As caregivers to multiple small children, we cannot always meet all these emotional needs, but we can certainly try if we want to.

I am not saying anyone is wrong for leaving an infant to cry, I just don't happen to subscribe to the whole "spoiling" point of view when it comes to babies. It's also true that I might not always be able to babywear multiple children, but I try to tailor my business around my own childrearing beliefs, and if a baby wants to be held, I will hold them, every time. I normally wouldn't accept two small children at once, thereby eliminating or reducing the risk that two babies would need me this much at one time as a childcare provider. I can do one baby at a time, though! I am able to do this by using various baby carriers, which allow me to fix snack, read stories, push a swing, all while "holding" the baby in need.

03-14-2012, 05:27 PM
You need to find out what your comfort level is playkids ~ great view points from all.

As a mom first, I don't and couldn't let a child cry if she or he is really upset and needs you for that extra cuddle. Yes, we need to take care of the emotional well being is really important to help them feel safe and secure. Once I get to know the little one, I feel there is a difference between a cry of upset and a cry of I just want to be picked up.

Inspired by Reggio
03-14-2012, 05:36 PM
I agree Alphaghetti ... I cannot do the crying either not with a 'wee one' - now a tantruming angry toddler who thinks they 'need' a donut in between meal times and is ticked cause they got a no that is something totally different .... but infants without language have no other way to communicate than CRYING and infants do not have the cognitive ability to 'manipulate' us ;)

I have 'wore' children in my daycare only cause I needed my hands and the child needed that comfort in the beginning but eventually my goal is to have them be 'independent and resilient' and we get there - and without my poor soul being broken or theirs from listening to them 'cry' :(

03-14-2012, 06:12 PM
I'm somewhere in the middle I think. I do agree that a part-timer takes so much longer to transition and it can be difficult no matter what the age. I usually have children start with me at about age 10-11 months and I hold them a lot in the first few months for bonding purposes.

Once a child reaches 1 year of age I want them to learn quickly that they will only be picked up when they are in need and not just because they are crying for no reason at all. I always ask the parents to do that at home too. At naptime I sing to them, rub their backs, but make it clear that they must learn to lay down and rest for the entire quiet time. I haven't had a difficult time with naptime really, thank goodness. But I have had children cry and scream for many months for no reason instead of happily playing with the others.

03-14-2012, 07:51 PM
I am with Alphagetti on this one...mostly. As a parent, I babywore and I never really let my babies cry it out for more than a few minutes when I knew that they were really tired and needed to get to sleep. I cosleep until they start sleepign on their own, which they have all done by age one or 1 1/2 on their own. However, as a caregiver, it is a bit different. I wil babywear if necessary in the beginning to help a child adjust and feel secure, but sometimes I also have to let them cry a bit because I just cannot be in so many places at once and I cannot babywear them all at once. At naptime I also will let them cry it out as I absolutely need my downtime with 5 kids to take care of...it's different than with just my own kids. I do try to comfort them and pick them up when they cry as I don't believe babies cry for no reason....but at the same time, they also have to learn that I cannot always rush to them if I am tending to another child and I do think it's good for them to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them as well. So, I guess I am really in the middle somewhere!

03-14-2012, 07:56 PM
I am not a cry it out parent. I honestly believe that kids need to have their emotional needs met just as much as their physical needs. If kids can develop a trusting relationship with their caregivers then they will be more secure and feel better about trying new things.

03-14-2012, 08:39 PM
Thanks so much for all the advice. Thankfully, I have no trouble with him during nap time and I don't mind consoling and adjusting my routine a bit. It was just getting to be a bit unbearable this morning. He was a bit better in the afternoon. Thanks again.

Crayola kiddies
03-14-2012, 08:46 PM
I personally am not a babywearer and I would never accept into care a child that was because that child is going to expect me to carry them around all day and of course I couldn't do that so they are going to xry for a majority of the day. when I interview I like to find out what the norm is at home and if it is not similar to the way I do things here then I won't accept them. I do believe in self soothing and I have never ever brought any of my kids into my bed to sleep for any reason.and all of my kids slept through the night any where from between two weeks old to 12 weeks old.....I have also never laid down with any of my kids (in their bed) or had to rub or pat backs. They just went to bed .... I have been very lucky with all of my daycare kids also ... Everyone of them goes into a playpen and goes to sleep even the 10 month old.

03-14-2012, 10:35 PM
About the time kids are pulling to a stand and starting to cruise the furniture until the time they actually walk they often go through a separation stage. It has to do with realizing they have the ability to move away. What I prefer to do with kids in this stage is what I call come back training. That means putting the child down and letting them see you right there then walk away out of sight and of couse they will wail. Then almost immediately walk back into their view but do not interact with them. Just keep doing that over and over. If you have two doorways to the room even better that you leave by one and come back by the other. Child sees you go and then doesn't know which door to follow you. It becomes a game of sorts. Eventually the child learns the lesson that you go away and you come back. And there is nothing you can do to rush the child through this stage of development it just happens and it just ends. The sooner it ends the sooner the child starts relying on themselves for more things from playing alone, sleeping alone, looking to others to interact and not just the caregiver. It's like they suddenly become socail beings - and it coincides with learning to walk and become independent. Some kids scream through it and some wimper through it but they all go through it in some way.

03-15-2012, 03:06 AM
For those of you that "wear" the baby... for how long? I have been getting great use out of my sling and carrier with my 6 month old, especially the last few days, as she is sick and screams if she isn't being held upright.
But I can't imagine doing this a year from now, when she's 18 months old? Sheer size alone makes my back hurt thinking of it.... I have to say, my cutoff would be a little before the year mark, at least around the house.
Just curious. I think I fall somewhere in between. I believe that there is a time for snuggle-type comforting, and a time for verbal-reassurance-type comforting.

03-15-2012, 06:34 AM
We never had all these issues back when we had the 6 month maternity leave because by the time children were in the separation phase (9 - 12months) they were already comfortable with the caregiver and accepted her. Really not sure what developmental specialists they talked to when they went to the one year maternity leave or more likely just pulled a number out of a hat. It is truely not the best time for a child.

Parents need to take more responsibility for weaning their child off dependence before starting care and you can clearly see which ones have and which ones still make themselves indispensible to the child - not the kind of child we want into care. Self esteem starts in infancy. We hear so much about what we do hurting a child's self esteem but no one seems to care about that for babies. A child that can not separate from the parent and see themselves as an individual, play and entertain themselves for the intrinsic value it gives is suffering from low self-esteeem and yes it starts in infancy. If not learned then it is something we have to actually teach a toddler and that is where a lot of the crying issues come from. Those that never had the privilege of bringing childrern into you daycare when they were 4-6 months old won't be able to appreciate just how different the transition was for the children. By a year we were having so much fun and concentrating on walking - afterall we had to start potty training by 15 months so they would be done by 18 months. Really dating myself now, lol.

Crayola kiddies
03-15-2012, 07:10 AM
So true playfelt .... When I had my first mat leave was 16 weeks .... At that age babies don't really care who holds/ feeds/plays with them so much easier when I had my second I couldn't afford mat leave so I was back at work within weeks by the time I had my 3rd, 4th and 5th mat leave was a year .... I have always had the experience if you let your child play on the floor or in a playpen as opposed to holding them all the time it makes for a more I dependent child and therefore they have an easier time adapting to new situations cause they don't always need to be attached to mommy....they are already sure of themselves but of course you always will have the exception. I don't know just been my experience ....

Inspired by Reggio
03-15-2012, 07:55 AM
For those of you that "wear" the baby... for how long?...
But I can't imagine doing this a year from now, when she's 18 months old? ....

Ya for me it was just during the 'transition phase' so the first 6 weeks or so .... the child has a reflux issue so if she cried too long the acid in her stomach would come up and actually cause her pain and you would NEVER get her calmed down than hence the ease at just wearing her when my hands had to be too busy to help others and so forth :( The more bonded she became and able to trust her needs were going to be met the more she was able to venture out and need me less and so forth.

My current transitioning babe has that same reflux disease - I do not need to wear him though cause he seems to be adjusting quicker he is ok to be down on the floor as long as I am 'insight' so I just do my best to keep myself in sight and than playing LOTS of peekaboo games with him to help me GET that I always come back - cause I would REALLY like to be able to pee without blood curdling screaming outside the door or having to have an 'audience' :rolleyes:

03-15-2012, 12:44 PM
Playfelt, you nailed it! I have had better luck with babies starting with me at 5 months of age than at 10 months of age when they are already learning all they have to do is wail and their parents will pick them up. Once you train the parents though that they don't have to do that it gets better. I believe babies need lots of love and cuddling but I also believe by that age they are smart enough to realize what works and what doesn't work to get their parents to do things their way.

03-16-2012, 10:46 AM
For those of you that "wear" the baby... for how long? I have been getting great use out of my sling and carrier with my 6 month old, especially the last few days, as she is sick and screams if she isn't being held upright.
But I can't imagine doing this a year from now, when she's 18 months old? Sheer size alone makes my back hurt thinking of it.... I have to say, my cutoff would be a little before the year mark, at least around the house.
Just curious. I think I fall somewhere in between. I believe that there is a time for snuggle-type comforting, and a time for verbal-reassurance-type comforting.

I am a really small person- like not quite a 100lbs- when kids get to big to go on my hip- I toss them on my back- ergos are great- as are kindercarries, mei tais etc half of the battle is finding a carrier that fits you!

Sandbox Sally
03-16-2012, 12:06 PM
mamaof4, I completely agree! Ergos are the best! I currently use a moby wrap with dck's just because I got rid of my ergo when my son was older. I like the moby too, but ergos are the best, imo. You can have them in these 'til they're 2 or 3 theoretically, but for the purposes of soothing and daycare in general, I am thinking not much longer than 18 months? After that, they normally want to walk. If the weight is dispersed properly, and you're using the carrier correctly, there shouldn't be a lot of strain on your back. Wraps and the ergo are different than those snugli things.

03-16-2012, 12:44 PM
I love my Ergo too! It doesn't cause back strain. That said, I haven't worn my 20 month old daughter in it since she was a little over a year...not because I can't, but because I haven't needed to. She is so independent and prefers to walk. I haven't had to wear a daycare child recently, but I think it would only be for the first month or so, so usually around a year of age or less. I would definitely not be wearing a big 18 month old dck as they don't usually need to be held so much at that age. However, I have at times used the Ergo for a child that age as a mode of transporting when I didn't have enough seats in the stroller.