PDA

View Full Version : Approaching the end....



Dayhome Mamma
03-16-2012, 12:53 AM
So I have a family that I had a conflict with. They decided to start potty train their child in November at which point they switched from diapers to pull ups that gave a "wet alert" to their child. Seeing that he was totally unresponsive to the change and showed no signs of discomfort at even being in a wet diaper, I gently suggested that maybe we should wait a little as it didn't seem to have an affect on their son. To this they said, oh no, we'd like to continue. So I obliged.

So then Christmas comes and they decide to go cold turkey no diapers. I thought great! Good for you for trying. But please know that he has to be 3-5 days accident free before I can continue. So they come back in January and tell me he is potty trained. I asked if he is asking to go, or whether he is showing any signs that he needs to go before hand and they say no, but if you put him on the potty every hour or so he'll go in it. So this was totally not how I expected it as its hard enough to monitor just one child and put him on the potty every hour, but I felt obliged. So I continued with it.

A few weeks went by and there was still no change or eagerness on the child's part to go. In fact, he started to be against it and we had to start to bribe him with m&m's and tv shows (because he was never allowed to watch tv). So that worked for a bit to get him to go. And then he started to become more defiant and more and more unwilling, yelling No, everytime I asked him to. So Clearly, in my mind. He was telling us that he did not want to do this. And I was seeing a huge negative change in his behaviour.

So I tried on several occasions to point to that and make them aware that it was getting really hard to get him to even go on the toilet, but its like they were totally disregarding what I was saying and making me feel that they knew better or were smarter about it somehow because they read about it on the internet (like I hadn't). So finally I got pamphlets from the Calgary Health Region that clearly stated some of the things I was trying to tell them, including a list of when your child MIGHT be ready, such as, he is waking up with a dry diaper, he is asking to go, he is uncomfortable at being in a soiled diaper, etc....And the issue got brought up one last time this February, and all hell broke loose. I decided to just be honest with them and say listen, I really don't think he is wanting to do this, he is either running away or totally says no to us when we try to get him to go so how do you want me to deal with that?

Well, lets just say the conversation became heated once the mom proceeded to tell me exactly what they had been thinking, here's a few; that they've been really having a hard time because they felt I was trying to get out of it, that I was taking in new babies to avoid having to deal with it, that they think I don't really like taking care of toddlers (when my own two children are 1.5 and 2.5) and that someone in a daycare with more experience would know how to better deal with a child that was screaming and saying no. And that in lots of daycares all the kids get put on the potty every 45 minutes in rotation. I could not believe what I was hearing! In my mind I was like really? Is that what you think? Then please go there, cause in reality, someone in a daycare is not going to put 4 or 5 months of effort to try and convince your son to go to the potty in miraculous ways...they probably won't even have the time to have repetitive conversations or consultations about it. so get out of here and you go experience that.
But what I really said was that maybe you might want to look into another place that may better suit your needs. But as a provider, it is my job to simply tell you the truth, and I feel that he is not ready and for these reasons. So whether you want to believe me or not, accept it or not, I don't really care its up to you. But this is what I have seen and it is my job to tell you;

He has had a huge change in his behaviour, he is becoming more and more defiant, he is constantly against going with both me and my assistant, he has seemed stressed out for weeks about it, and this past weekend, when he came to us on monday, he made a sigh of relief and said "I'm so glad I came back here". So if that doesn't make you think twice, then I don't know what is. But I have gone over and beyond in my efforts of what most dayhomes and daycares would do, so you'll just have to find another place.

And then I wrote it all in an email, detailing exactly what was said, and all the things that I didn't get a chance to say, how I had never been considered or consulted in the matter of even doing the potty training. THat it was this unquestioned expectation and thing that they had decided on themselves which their son was obviously not ready for, etc, and i sent it to her husband so that he would be well aware.

So this was middle of February. I said they could leave either March 1st or April 1st if they needed more time. She tried to dictate a March 15th option to which in my mind I was like, are you dumb? You don't make the terms here. Its my house, and my dayhome. There is no half month spot here.... I could simply just stop taking your son in tomorrow due to his aggressive behavior to not just me, but the kids as well, and then you're screwed. You've got no childcare last minute. You should be trying to be a little nicer here. Especially since there could be a month in between where I am offering to still keep him! and deal with the stupid potty training! And of course, they were unable to start somewhere else in the middle of the month. So she did start to be a little nicer now.

And I just can't wait for this to be over.
So now its the middle of the march, and we've got two weeks left, and I am just counting the days....and so are both my assistants! What started out as a potty training dispute, has now turned to a saving grace. Because their son is just out of control. He's grabbing kids toys out of their hands while they're playing with it, he has ran into my daughters room and jumped through the top of the bed onto her while she was sleeping!(and he is double her weight), he is taking food off their plates even though I always start him off with a double portion to what everyone else is having!, he is climbing anything and everything, saying no to anything and everything, and has just become the hardest child to deal with right now..when not too long ago, he was the sweetest.

So thank GOD he is leaving! And did I mention that his parents are "anti-authoritarian"? From the start they said they didn't believe in time outs and the authoritative figure? I look back now and I should have just ran. but they were my second family, which I have now learnt sooooooo much from and so much of what I will not tolerate or compromise of myself, my beliefs and how I choose to run my place. So in this I am very greatful. But its still not over. here is the email I received from them;

"""We have started to talk about how to prepare his for his last day ( 30th March) as I’m sure he’ll be really sad to leave. We’re thinking that talking about this being his last day at playschool will help him understand the concept of a last day which is good.
Any ideas on how to manage the transition? What do you think we should do in the last days? How did you guys manage Gabby’s leaving""""

Playschool is a two hour pre-preschool program I signed him and my son up for that just ended. She is asking how we should transition her son's leave from our Dayhome. Should I even be bothered? Her son has been here with us for almost a year, yes. He is very good friends with my son but my son also has his sister who he loves and plays with so no big deal for us to have him leave. Has anyone had to ever do this? Consider this? In my mind, I've only had to worry about transitioning children INTO my Dayhome, not out of it. The last two children that left I just made sure to sound very positive and excited about their new place. And then they left. Simple as that. I'm kind of surprised that she is thinking I should be considering even more and putting more thought. But there go their continued expectations again... and here I am writing of this scenario and wasting more time on them....:huh: Any feedback or suggestions would be appreciated though on how I should deal with this. Thanks so much!

Cadillac
03-16-2012, 07:23 AM
GREAT VENT!!!!! Sounded like you needed it. I would tell the parents to talk about it and talk about the new dayhome and provider with lots of excitement. Get the names of some of the new kids and talk about them too.

Despite the fact that this kid is acting out in some ridiculous ways, he is acting out for all the reasons you stated above. They are good reasons and this is is only way he know to let everyone know that he's not happy. You said yourself how sweet he used to be. Transition him out the same way you would anyone else. Get him excited about his new friends and provider. Tell him that you'll miss him and love him so much. All kids need and deserve this despite what kind of parents they have. Try to set that next provider (poor dear) up for as positive experience as you can.

Mamma_Mia
03-16-2012, 09:27 PM
I agree, I would reply with "this is what YOU BOTH should do....etc."

As in leave me out of it and deal with your own kid!!

Oy Vey! Counting down the days for you too hun!! ((hugs))

Momof4
03-16-2012, 09:37 PM
There's no way you can put a child on the potty once an hour. At least I would not be able to do that! I'm way too busy and we're outside longer than that. Good for you for doing the research and presenting the parents with the information. And good for you for sticking to your rules and making them stay as long as they are supposed to. They are anti-authoritarian? Holy crap, that child is going to be a monster, just wait until he is a teenager!

Oh thank goodness you are saying goodbye to this family.

And by the way, I insist on 30 accident free days before pullups can be changed to underwear, and I'm talking about 30 daycare days, which is 6 weeks. I'm super strict because I have carpets everywhere and like I said, I'm too busy for cleaning up accidents daily.

Momof4
03-16-2012, 09:41 PM
Oh yes, and I bet each and every one of us has potty trained many children, but when they are ready and willing to learn it and not being forced.

mom-in-alberta
03-17-2012, 02:00 AM
You don't say how old he is, but it really doesn't matter, that child is NOT going to potty train if they go about it in this manner. And the fact that they are so completely dismissive of your thoughts and opinions tells me that you are definitely not a good match anymore, if you ever were to begin with.
I have no further advice, but thank goodness you only have a little while longer. And here's hoping you find a fantastic family to fill that spot!!

Inspired by Reggio
03-17-2012, 11:04 AM
As for the potty training - ya my policies clearly state what needs to be occurring with a child in MY PROGRAM before than can truly 'train' in the sense that they are in underwear and no more diapers or containment unit ... they are as follows A) child is able to recognize they have wet or soiled themselves and seek assistance to be 'changed' from a diaper if they do not GET they are wet or soiled they are not ready for training in GROUP care B) child is INTERESTED in training, is willing and able to communicate a need to go in the PROGRAM and has enough help skills to get their pants down and sit on the potty themselves if the adult is too busy ... C) child has enough bladder control to remain dry in a diaper for at least TWO HOURS D) child remains it a 'containment unit' over top of underwear until all the above are met and a child has gone at least two weeks accident free both at home and in program - otherwise a pull up or rubber pant remains part of the 'training' process and the child is not considered 'trained'.

Seriously IMO it is not realistic in group care to be placing a child on the potty every 1/2 hour or hour ... if you have several kids 'training' you spend ALL DAY IN THE BATHROOM who is watching the children and the child has to communicate that NEED to you on their own cause when parent in a one on one situation at home 'knows' that when little Johnny twists his finger in a clockwise manner that means he has to pee or if he gets 'quiet' he is about to poo cause in PROGRAM that is not a TRAINED CHILD that is a TRAINED ADULT ... those cues are going to be missed in a group setting and set the child up for failure .... the child needs to be able to come to ME and get my attention and communicate either verbally or in sign I NEED THE BATHROOM and he needs to have enough self help skills that I can open the door and let him in to meet that need while still supervising the remaining children in my group - what provider can spend 10 minutes in the bathroom with a kid every hour on the hour helping them to 'train' ... there are FIVE kids most of our programs if we did that for all of them to get them 'trained' that is 50 minutes every hour in the bathroom :rolleyes:

As for transition out of care ... I have only ever had to deal with kids leaving on 'natural' transitions out ... school, moving out of the city or staying home for mat leave ... but regardless of the 'reason' if I had notice to prepare the group I would ... so that kids can learn how to 'end relationships' so to speak and people just do not 'disappear' out of their life unexplained.

We have always played up the excitement of going to big school, being a big brother or sister or moving and getting to choose a new bedroom, make new friends and so forth all while explaining ways for 'staying in touch' if desired ... I have former clients who still come for visits with me, email me photos of their kids growth with 'updates a few times a year and I have others who moved out of city and province who become pen pals to my group for a couple years until all their friends were no longer here either and than it is up to the parents to keep any relationship going which I have a few who have done that as well...I have been blessed to see some nice strong childhood friendships and bonds grow out of my daycare program and knowing that I had helped to make lasting connections for families that will outlive their experience with me :)

For the child 'leaving' we always have a BIG party their last day celebrating their time with us, we make up a card where the kids write what they will miss about their friend, we take a keepsake group photo for them to have from their friends, we also make up a painting for their playroom with all their friends hand prints on it, we make goodbye cupcakes and so forth...and even if things were for some reason ending on a sour note between the ADULTS I would still do this for the children.

I always shake my head when I hear daycare clients saying 'we cannot find a quality daycare provider' after interviewing 25 providers in their area or having changed providers 3 times in a year or something cause we ARE OUT HERE but often the reason is we do not want to take ON people with wonky unrealistic expectations or schedules cause we know from experience we will BURN OUT and things will end badly so we hold on for those 'perfect matches'!

I hope the poor soon to be ex clients can find happiness in their new program for their child cause their expectations from what you have shared seem unrealistic and that poor provider taking them on might be in for a surprise .... at some point the clients are going to have to realize that if they are constantly having to 'change' providers perhaps it is not so much US that are the issue but rather the expectations they have being unrealistic for the 'model of care' they are seeking .... time for a centre where they can have a staff stationed in the bathroom all day or a nanny who can have one set of eyes on one child to pick up on all those subtle cues ;)

Dreamalittledream
03-19-2012, 07:32 AM
I have to say that I've never been a big fan of the 'pull-up' as a training tool. For nighttime security, sure. Any other opinions? And the ""anti-authoritarian"? From the start they said they didn't believe in time outs and the authoritative figure"....wow....how did you even deal with this child for a year?! So he never has consequence for his actions? 3 cheers to you for having gotten this far!

Dayhome Mamma
03-19-2012, 11:11 AM
Yes, the family has had crazy unrealistic expectations and has chosen to go with a daycare centre so a dayhome provider gets spared! Woo-hoo. Which I am so very happy for because someone more "experienced" at this centre, will tell them exactly the same thing, just a lot sooner, and not put up with them for as long as I have. So I can't wait for that. I will for sure get the scoop from a mutual friend we have who happens to be a bit more of my friend :) Because they're going to have to face the real world and see that its not just all about their kid. There are others to consider as well and many other things within a group setting. And I'm sure they're going to go through some hardships now with that and maybe finally see that they had it pretty good here. Or not. Because it seems that they've been living in their own idealistic worlds. I don't really care anymore though. I feel so much relief and better already knowing that they will be out of my life for the most part (We're still going to get the kids together here and there for their friendship's sake) And I found a replacement the weekend I put up my ad. I actually had two people wanting the spot and on top of it I had raised my price up $240. So I feel I kind of had a chance to give myself a promotion as well :)

Dayhome Mamma
03-19-2012, 11:15 AM
I have to say that I've never been a big fan of the 'pull-up' as a training tool. For nighttime security, sure. Any other opinions? And the ""anti-authoritarian"? From the start they said they didn't believe in time outs and the authoritative figure"....wow....how did you even deal with this child for a year?! So he never has consequence for his actions? 3 cheers to you for having gotten this far!

He was a really good boy until all this potty training stress started getting to him. He turned two in July. Started potty training in November. His Behavior started changing for the worst after christmas once they went cold turkey. So I've only had to put up with the badness since January I would say :)

Dreamalittledream
03-19-2012, 12:45 PM
Poor you. My son is the same exact age (turned 2 in July). We tried potty training for a weekend (he had expressed interest in the toilet)....but it was way too early for him. Waiting until summer. My 6 year old was the same...I tried and tried when he turned 2, because I had read that you should when they turn 2....endless accidents/stress for him and us...But when he turned 3 he seemed to magically 'get it' and it was all so easy at that point. I can't even imagine the potty learning issues that this child has.