View Full Version : A hard situation, need advice

03-30-2012, 06:46 AM
posting for a member

Need advise, I've been watching 3 siblings for 6 months now..2, 3 and 11years old who is in my care after school only".

On Monday the father drop off the kids as usual..the 3 years old girl started talking like never before over breakfast about her bad nightmares and went on with lot of details..about a stranger was chasing her at the park and her 11 year old was there to protect her and also saw my dad in her dream and that he looked scary and she was scare and also mentioned someone touch her on her privacy(exact wording) on her dream and was very scary and went on and on..I was shocked and still am after hearing her talk about it so I got really worried until I get a phone call from the dad saying he was coming to pick them up in few minutes..it really hit me because was very strange and the reasons he gave me were not convincing..I decided to call them mom because I did not want to talked to the father about this.. She never answered the phone so sent her a text and no response either..at that point I felt something was really wrong because we had a good relationship". Just to give you more information as how the little girl knows my dad is because he comes sometimes to pick up my daughter and bring her over my moms for a play day and normally when he arrives my daughter goes crazy running and screaming of happiness to go with him..all the kids go running to him as well and call him granpa because they follow my daughter(4 years old). they all start running and chasing him because they know he will play and make them laugh..i never left the kids alone with my dad.
at around 5 pm I receive a call from the police telling me there has been a report from kids social aids and they requiry my attendance and my dad to the police station.. my heart stop..felt horrible and decided to call the mother again and she answered.. according to her the little girl told her my dad touch her privacy in her dream and was very scary".. this is something alarming because I have a little daughter too but why she did not comfront me first knowing how important the wellbeing of the kids is for me..Still dont know what will happend when I meet with the policy and the social worker and dont want to be discourage about this bussiness but at the same time very scare for the little girl and safety..I know this is just a dream and the little girl tends to make up stories as her imagination is super developed but what do i do? how would you respond to this type of allegations OMG feel lost..help please

03-30-2012, 07:18 AM
You go to the police as requested, of course. Then you answer their questions. That`s it and thats all`. Deal with everything as it comes because that is ALL you can do.

Tell them that you heard it too and tell the absolute truth in EVERYTHING!. Don`t give more info than is needed but do not leave out anything either.

Having worked in the child services field I can tell you that this could be a long and grueling process, or short and not sweet.

three year old don`t talk about that sort of thing unless SOMETHING has happened. Doesn`t mean it was who she said she was but three year old just don`t know about that sort of stuff normally.

The last thing any parent would do is call the ąccused` or relative of for the `story`. As a parent you take action right away. Don`t be angry that she didn`t call you to discuss the possibilities of what happened. the mom did the right thing. I hope you understand

I`m so sorry that you have to go throug this and I can`t imagine how devastated you are.

Keep strong

Inspired by Reggio
03-30-2012, 07:31 AM
Wow - I really hope that they have called in a professional child therapist to help that child discover what is a DREAM and what was REALITY for her!

I once had a daycare child whose parent found 'scratches' on her child's body in the thigh area while at the Dr about a 'itchy vagina' and the mom and Dr asked her 'oh my what happened?' and the kid said a child in my daycare program and 'scratched her down there' and the Dr scared the crap out of the mother saying she must have been abused and that was why the yeast infection and so forth cause kids do not LIE about stuff like that ... well needless to say STRESS for me as well as mom helping them to figure this out ... however I KNEW she was not telling the accurate truth because the kid she named had not been in my program for almost a YEAR so than it was trying to figure out when or how something like that could happen at daycare cause the kids are NEVER along and so forth so I was sure it had not occurred HERE and given the kids 'imagination' I questioned if it had happened at all ... I explained to the parent that you have to be VERY careful in how you deal with questions like that because you can plant a seed that something BAD happened to a situation that was in fact innocent in nature ... when the parent went back and told the child it could not have been X cause she does not go to your daycare anymore than she blamed a kid at big school where she also attended alternating days so the school had to file a report and involve that poor child's family as well .... horrible situation for everyone!

In the END after CAS investigated and talked to all parties it turned out eventually that the DAUGHTER admitted had scratched HERSELF during exploration down there and she thought mom and the Dr were angry with her so she BLAMED someone else to avoid getting in trouble ... something kids do ALL THE TIME in childhood :(

Not saying something did not 'happen' to this child however that often the FIRST person accused of it is often not the REAL perpetrator and hopefully with some help and counseling they can find out what really happened ... did someone ELSE at that park with the brother touch her and to avoid getting the brother in trouble for not 'watching' closely she is blaming someone else and so forth?

Hope this is resolved quickly for you and your family!

Inspired by Reggio
03-30-2012, 07:42 AM
three year old don`t talk about that sort of thing unless SOMETHING has happened. Doesn`t mean it was who she said she was but three year old just don`t know about that sort of stuff normally...

Ya once upon a time this was my belief too ... children are just to innocent to make something like that up without first hand knowledge ..... however in 2012 with children being exposed to the NEWS over dinner and parents assuming they are not 'listening' not to mention so many other adult orientated conversations and topics in the media these days .... I had a parent in care who allowed their child to be in the room while they watched CRIMINAL MINDS assuming they were too young to 'proccess' what was being said .... needless to say due to the access of information in MEDIA children are being 'sexualized' so much earlier and given access to images and information that their little brains cannot process properly and in learning to DEAL with those images and topics and so forth more and more they are capable of imagining things having happened to them that they have heard or saw about on TV or overheard parents talking about between themselves and so forth but they believe is REAL to them!

I worked in a centre where it amazed me what children were being exposed to and the stories that were told as a result ... we constantly had CAS having to be called to get to the bottom of what was reality in children's live and what was them processing movies and shows they had been allowed to watch at home while in the care of people who did not GET the rating scale.

Inspired by Reggio
03-30-2012, 07:52 AM
Forgot to add ... sending vibes of quick resolution that shines light on the truth for you and your family and your clients family!

I agree with Cadillac all you can do is take this one day at a time, tell the truth and facts from your dads and your point of view and hope that they can get to the bottom of this :(

03-30-2012, 08:11 AM
Good Morning!! thank you so much for the advice this has been a very difficult experience. Everything went well at the interview. They are certain it was just a dream and that its unfortunate good people have to be put through such a horrible experience. The little girl told her CAS the she really likes my dad and loves been here..can imagine how hard it will be for her not to see us anymore. The hardest part is to decide if I should take them back!! I feel so bad for the kids and the idea of them adjusting to a new provider breaks my heart".

03-30-2012, 08:16 AM
Thank you all so much for the advice and hope to stay connected with all of you...

Inspired by Reggio
03-30-2012, 08:24 AM
Oh so glad it was resolved without incident .... I get that every allegation must be 'investigated' just to be safe but it is a hard call with continuing on with the family after such a breach of trust on their part to think this could have even been possible in the first place .. only you can answer if you can return to a trustful relationship or not.

Best wishes in your choice!

03-30-2012, 08:34 AM
thats exactly what my family told me and I cant imagine putting them through something of this nature again...this has been a horrible week and wish I can put this all behind us and move on.

03-30-2012, 08:47 AM
Phew, glad it's seemed to have worked out for the better! Sadly, it could have ended so much differently if child wasn't questioned properly. And your poor Dad.

03-30-2012, 08:49 AM
Also wanted to Thankyou for having the courage to post about such a touchy subject; one that I'm sure is a fear of a lot of us...of being falsely accused of something we would never dream of let happen.

03-30-2012, 08:55 AM
OMG dont want to imagine what would happened if this turned out differently..

03-30-2012, 08:58 AM
this is why I reach out for help because we can only know how challenging and at the same time rewarding this job can be.. thank you

Crayola kiddies
03-30-2012, 09:50 AM
If it was me I would walk away from that family ...... It would always be on my mind .... What if???? But that's just me !!

03-30-2012, 09:53 AM
First, I can't imagine what you have just been through. Thank you for posting such a difficult subject. Just goes to show how quickly something can happen in this job.

Secondly, I wouldn't take the family back. I would hope that all my daycare families would KNOW without a DOUBT that I would NEVER place their child into a situation where something like that could happen. It would always bother me that they felt their child was not safe in my care, or that I allowed their child to be placed into such an awful situation. Trust is HUGE in our job!

I'm not saying they were wrong in having involved others, but they should have come to you first and went from there...just my opinion for what its worth.

Sandbox Sally
03-30-2012, 12:26 PM
Horrible situation, paz!

I honestly don't think anyone did anything wrong here. Mind you, if it was my daughter, I would likely have gone to the daycare provider first. I don't think anyone had anything in mind except to protect the child. It's just sad that we have so many deviants in this world that we even HAVE to take everything a child says so seriously.

Having said that, I am not sure I'd be able to continue with the family, either. There are too many hurt feelings now.

A little bit of a moot point to this situation, but to anyone who thinks that a child who brings up sexual abuse in a context such as this must be being fooled with, this simply isn't true. A child who has been talked to about "privacy parts" could easily have had a dream where someone was touching them without ever having anything happen by anyone. The cases you have to look out for are the ones where the child has inappropriate knowledge of sex acts, or acts out sexual situations that a child should not be privy to.

Of course, if my child (or anyone else's) came to me and said anything about sexual misconduct, I'd definitely be looking into it pronto. I'm just saying that a small child isn't always necessarily telling things how they really are.

03-30-2012, 12:57 PM
Unfortunatelly, I would let the family go. It will be always on my mind that this thing happened and I will be very scared to deal with this kid. Although, some people might think that it actually happened that's why you letting them go. You never know. I'm glad it solved and you all are OK. but as you said what if it didn't solve this quick and you and your family had to go through so much pain.

I was horrified when I read the post. :( I'm glad she and you and your dad is OK.

03-30-2012, 01:18 PM
I am glad this all worked out for everyone and quickly. Not sure what I would do about taking them back. Might feel different if I was involved but right now I am thinking let the family decide. We all mentioned about trust and if the parents have enough trust in me to keep their child with me then I probably would agree to keep her too. At the same time if the family say we feel bad but given all that has happened we feel making a new start might be best for everything then I would support that too.

There is so much out there in the news that parents panic before asking questions too. They did the right thing in going directly to authorities whether we want to agree or not. Going to the caregiver or questioning the child more could have even changed the outcome of the discussions and put words in the child's mouth and ideas in her head.

03-30-2012, 01:19 PM
You are so right!! thank you for your opinion really appreciated.

Sandbox Sally
03-30-2012, 01:33 PM
playfelt, great point. I hadn't thought of it that way.

03-30-2012, 07:36 PM
I totally agree with Playfelt...

This is not a trust issue here. Anybody in these parents situation would have beleived their daughter, or at least investigate it. No caregiver can be fully trusted, not even our relatives. I have a daughter, and if she comes to me saying these things, I would do the same they did!

Let them choose. If they choose to stay, it is because they choose to trust you.


03-31-2012, 03:47 AM
I think everyone here did everything that they should have. You, the parents, child services....
I would also leave it up to the parents as to whether the child stays in your care. Make it clear that moving forward, it is important to maintain a trusting and communicative relationship.
Kids these days are exposed to sooooo much, without us even realizing it. I don't think that a child MUST be believed at face value, but I am so glad that this situation worked out positively for all. My stomach was absolutely sick as I was reading your early posts.

04-01-2012, 05:12 PM
Can you go one step further and check into educating yourself about these types of things. Does CAS have any advice for you about how to handle things properly if it ever arises again if the family does stay with you? It couldn't hurt to call them and ask. If you keep the family it will pay to be pro-active, but only you can decide what to do, not us.

04-02-2012, 12:29 PM
Good Day, what a great feeling to have all of you for support aside from my wonderful family".
the storm is over and the sun came out!! the family called me and asked me to take them back..they are truly sorry for everything and willing to meet with my dad to apologized in person for the harm..moving forward they want me to be part of their lives no just the babysitter. The kids are anxious to see us. After a Long debate with my husband and other relatives we believe in second chances.. As you mentioned Momof4..I trying to contact CAS and the police officer for advice. they both true proffesionals and treat my dad and I like what we are..GOOD PEOPLE.

Once again THANK YOU to all and God bless you.

04-02-2012, 12:31 PM
Hello Dreamalittledream... thats a long name lol..please see my latest post..hope all is well