Advice of how to have a difficult conversation

[Cadillac]

This is a follow-up post to 'When Client/Provider Relationships Go Wrong

Today is the day I make my final decision on whether I will be able to go on with this family.

This week has been wishy-washy. Weird drop-offs that I'm not particularly happy about and normal pick-ups where she is smiley and chatty.


What I want to do is bring up that I was unhappy about the way things went down last week, that I must be treated with respect and discuss anything she would like to discuss so that we can move on.

I want some suggestions on professional ways to bring up this conversation. How would you guys go about it?

Her reaction to this conversation will make my decision on whether to terminate or move on WITH the family.

I'm so nervous!

[Cadillac]

heeeeeeeeeeeeeelllll llllllllllllllllllll lllllllppppppppppppp pppppp . . . . Please?

[Cocoon]

Just remember you are the owner of this business and YOU will run it however you want. And if no one agrees on how you run your business tell them to go and take a cold shower. :) That will make them realized that this is how you run your business. Don't be nervous you don't need to. She should be posting here saying " omg I think I upset my caregiver what should i do!" :)

[Cocoon]

To add, she wasn't professional so why should you. Start however you feel like :)

[Sandbox Sally]

I would say something like,

"Listen, I just want to clear the air here about what happened last week. I got the impression that you were unhappy with me, and I just want to give you the opportunity now to let me know of anything that's bothering you." Let her react in whatever way...

Then something like, (calmly) "ok...I have to be honest and tell you, I felt pretty disrespected when you yelled at me, and it made me very uncomfortable. I'd like to know that nothing like that will ever happen again."

[playfelt]

The fact that you have let the week go by also gives you a way to bring it up saying what Alphagetti posted about feeling disrespected and that you waited a week so that you could approach the issue with less emotion than you were feeling last week. Now that you have had time to think about it you just want to make it clear how things need to be from here on in and why... and then go on to say what you expect, will not tolerate, etc. and that instead of the outburst of a week ago you expect the mother to remain rationale etc.

[Bookworm]

I agree with Alphaghetti. Just calmly ask her if there is anything she would like to talk about regarding what happened last week as you feel there may be some lingering feelings about it on her part. Then tell her how you feel about what happened and that in order for things to continue in a positive way, you need to be respected and that from now on if there is a problem it is handled like an adult or you will no longer be able to provide care for her.

[playfelt]

Do you get the sense that the mom is still harbouring ill feelings or do you think it has blown over in her mind. Guess I am wondering based on how this week has gone, if it is something that needs to be brought up or do you think enough was said last week that you got your point across. She may start to have new concerns if she thinks you were seething all week and didnt' already say something. Just the other side of the situation.

[Cadillac]

playfelt - I think there may still be lingering feelings on her part. She barks at the kids at my house instead of me. for example, this morning I took off the shoes of her 3 year old to get things moving quicker as she was late (and I know that means she's in a hurry). She barked at her child that she should take off her own shoes and to pay attention to what is going on blah blah blah" basically it was a message for me . . . . not for the child.

On my part? I know I have to get it off my chest that what happened was not ok and will never be tolerated again

I think I'm going to mash together what alphaghetti and playfelt said

I'll tell her that I've given it a week to blow over since emotions were running high last week and ask her if there is anything she would like to discuss. then I'll tell her how disrespected I felt and let her know that I can't tolerate it again. I'll also tell her that I know mornings can be hectic but that I need the children to be brought into my house in a positive manner so that they can be set up to have a positive day. and finally, that if I feel her child is too sick to attend then she is not welcomed to attend. I'll suggest that she find a back-up for times like this as well as when I fall ill.

My husband is a little annoyed that I can't just sweep this under the rug but unfortunately I'm not in construction and this attitude is not a part of the daily life of a provider.

You all made me realize that if I don't plan on terminating instantly that I can't let this go unchecked as it WILL happen again. Thanks for the last words of encouragement I really needed it.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I like Alphaghetti suggestion to clear the air ... tell her you've waited for everyone to have time to reflect on last week but feel it needs to be discussed and a plan put in place so it does not happen again - what does she need from YOU and than you tell her what you need from her and move forward if possible or terminate depending on how it goes - and I personally would make it clear that being YELLLED AT in future will result in immediate termination! We are role models to children on proper conflict resolution skills we need to lead by example ;)

[Sandbox Sally]

Aww Caddy, we're leading the same lives...lol My hub is in construction too!

[michellesmunchkins]

I am a total chicken when it comes to confrontation. I literally feel sick to my stomach when I have to do it...so, if it was me and I couldn't 'get over it' I would email my thoughts and feelings to her and have her do the same for me. Essentially, I am getting out what I need to say and she can do the same without having to do it face to face. Then we have the weekend to decide if we want to continue our working relationship. I know email is soooo impersonal and can be taken in so many ways (usually the wrong ways haha) but I just hate face to face confrontation. I would not be able to get over the way she treated you if it was me without saying something though. It would just fester inside me to the point where I didn't want anything to do with the woman and that would make for a horrible relationship. I don't envy you being put in this position. Sending positive thoughts that all goes well!!!

[Inspired by Reggio]

BTW - speaking of leading by example I would not have a conversation of this magnitude while I was still in charge of other children ... I know it is challenging since we often 'work alone' however if I need to 'talk' to a client at pick up time I always arrange for my spouse to be home early to supervise the children and I have any conversation with the client AWAY from the program and out of ear shot of the clients children and other children...if my spouse cannot come home early for me than I make arrangements with the client to either meet for coffee or talk over the phone depending on the severity of the conversation needing to be head ... I know that I can manage my own emotions during conflict however just do not want the children exposed to any 'raw emotion' from an adult that I cannot control ;)

[Cadillac]

Aww Caddy, we're leading the same lives...lol My hub is in construction too!

LMAO. Now we need to have that coffee. FINALLY someone who understands my life COMPLETELY! Does your grunt like Tim the toolman Taylor too? LOL

[Cadillac]

BTW - speaking of leading by example I would not have a conversation of this magnitude while I was still in charge of other children ... I know it is challenging since we often 'work alone' however if I need to 'talk' to a client at pick up time I always arrange for my spouse to be home early to supervise the children and I have any conversation with the client AWAY from the program and out of ear shot of the clients children and other children...if my spouse cannot come home early for me than I make arrangements with the client to either meet for coffee or talk over the phone depending on the severity of the conversation needing to be head ... I know that I can manage my own emotions during conflict however just do not want the children exposed to any 'raw emotion' from an adult that I cannot control ;)

Yeah I was thinking of this over the day. I don't have back-up today. Perhaps we'll I have the kids outside for pick up and we can have the conversation out of earshot of the kids.

[Mamma_Mia]

Aww Caddy, we're leading the same lives...lol My hub is in construction too!

And mine too! :laugh:

[Mamma_Mia]

LMAO. Now we need to have that coffee. FINALLY someone who understands my life COMPLETELY! Does your grunt like Tim the toolman Taylor too? LOL

yuppp......my most used line with his is to speak English with me not construction-talk :p

[Lou]

How'd it go?? Been thinking of you!

[Sandbox Sally]

Me too! Hope we don't have to wait til Monday!

[Momof4]

You can say everything that Alpha and the others suggested but you wouldn't be remiss to say that you needed a week to calm down because you were taken aback by the disrespect and you had to think everything over. That's why you are talking to her now. You also wouldn't be out of line to warn her nicely that if it happens again you will terminate because you will not be verbally abused in your own home. I hope you have a termination clause in your contract that clearly states this fact, I do!

[mom-in-alberta]

I hope this went well. Thinking about you and waiting to hear!!

[Cadillac]

I very regretfully inform you all that I am a pussy . . . . I chickened out.

I took one look at her an realized that this was all SO NOT WORTH IT! I've been harboring feelings and planning 'professional' conversations, asking you all for your amazing advice and stressing myself out. Then I realized . . . . why?

The woman is not going to find alternate care (I know her very well) and in the end I make over $500 dollars a week from her. I suck her paychecks clean and that is enough for me to feel like I've won (cuz really in the end that's what its all about right? control.

If she ever dares to speak to me in that manner again I will gladly leave her high and dry at that very moment when I'm angry and my blood is coursing with 'OH YA'S? TAKE THAT BITCH'

I know many of you will feel like I haven't done myself justice by letting it go but when I saw her on Friday I knew that if I uttered one word then it was going to lead to termination (cuz I know her attitude SO well) and I'll have much more satisfaction sucking her bank dry then bitching her out.

Sorry to disappoint guys.

[Sarah]

I followed the discussion, and you do not disapoint me. Whatever your reasons are, if they are making you happy, that's what counts!

Sarah.

[Inspired by Reggio]

Nothing wrong wit attempting to give the benefit of the doubt that this was a one time thing - but if it happens AGAIN I would say something immediately for sure !!

[Momof4]

We all have to do what we decide is best for us as long as we can sleep at night and not stress out all day. Nobody is here to judge anybody else, but merely to support and help so never apologize. I always ask my co-workers (fellow HDCP's) for advice but in the end I have to do what's best for me and makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. However, none of us deserves to be disrespected or mistreated or stressed to get up in the morning and open our doors. Best of luck to you with this family!

[Cadillac]

Thanks everyone!

[Skysue]

Chicken! LOL

DIDO to all the above!

[Sandbox Sally]

You did what was best for you. Only you know what that is. I agree with you though, if it happens again, terminate immediately and leave her high and dry, as that is what she'd deserve, imho.

[EdwardHeavy]

Recently, I began to notice that so many advisers have divorced...