20 month old won't share and extremely selfish -help

[SummerLuvin]

I have a 20 month old in my care for 4 months now. He's an only child, no young cousins his age, has not had much interaction with other kids until he started coming here. His daily routine is to have a collection of toys on the couch, he'll put them there, one at a time until he's satisfied, then proceed to play with one or two. If any other child comes even close to playing with one of "his" toys, he immediately starts to cry and scream in terror. If someone goes to play with a toy that he just left, again, crying and screaming. He doesn't get the concept of sharing. He and only he can be looking at a book. I explain to him: you can BOTH look at the book at the same time, crying and screaming....again. This morning, the 3yr old DCB was drinking from the cup the 20 month old was drinking from yesterday, he freaks out, crying screaming......ugh! This has been going on for weeks, I don't know what else to do. I've explained to him, they're not your toys, you have to share/take turns, that's not the way we behave etc, etc....I've put him in time outs, tried on the couch, and in a playpen away from the others. The negative behaviour is just getting worse. He can't wait 2 seconds for anything. Sees me with the snack, immediately starts crying and screaming, because he hasn't got it yet......it makes for a frustrating day, dealing with all the crying and screaming....any suggestions?

[Momof4]

If I hear the word 'mine' or the behaviour you described in your post I tell the children that the toys are all in fact my toys and that I share them with everyone. Then I tell them that I could put all the toys away in my cupboard or they can share them all. It works for me. At 20 months old this child should definitely be learning how to share. Be patient and keep trying every day until he gets it.

I do have different coloured drinking cups and plates and cutlery for all my daycare children and make sure they know which one is theirs at all times. Especially if I set the cups all out at a park or somewhere I want them to be able to pick out their cup only to prevent the spread of any little germs. So yes, I do recommend that system.

As far as the impatience, I have an 18 month old boy like that who is just now learning to be patient and wait until I say lunchtime or whatever before he can start to go for an activity or home. He's been here 8 months already and for the first 6 months he was an impatient screamer. It's crazy hard on your sanity to listen to screaming like that. I have a gate to the room that I had to close in the beginning because he was out of control, but all the children in my daycare learn that I have rules for everything and I don't bend. You can't bend and you have to be consistent. I always say 'you can't let the inmates take over the asylum'!

[apples and bananas]

That reminds me of a set of twins I had. They were 2 1/2, very smart little ones. The best behaved kids I've had, but they would take a collection of toys and hide them in the couch. Or if they got a hold of a bucket they would carry it around all day. It was so frustrating. I had to remind them all the time that they were my toys and I was sharing them so they need to share them too. And if they fought with another child over a toy I would either take the toy and give it to the other child or I would simply take it away all together.

I think you have to put up with the screaming and crying and just ignore it until they understand that it's coming.. .you just have to be patient.

[Cocoon]

Totally agree with Momof4. The toys are mine and I'm sharing :) By doing this no one can say it is mine and my toys stays with me when they go home.

And everybody has the same cup, cutlery etc. everyday so they all know which ones are theirs.

"all the children in my daycare learn that I have rules for everything and I don't bend. You can't bend and you have to be consistent." couldn't agree more :)

[Inspired by Reggio]

I agree - the toys here are MINE and I choose to share and give turns with them and yup everyone has color coded cups for self serving water on demand and some things that are 'just theirs' and not for sharing or turn taking.

Sharing is a very hard concept for toddlers for sure ... unfortunately they do not have a true concept of 'time' yet at this stage so when they have to give something up to 'share' they initially are thinking they are NEVER getting it back ... it takes a lot of time and practice for them to TRUST that yes indeed you will get it back when it is your turn again.... siblings get it qucker cause they get daily practice day in and day out from the time they are born so even if they have no concept of 'time' they know the 'dance' of sharing and turn taking ... in the meantime for those who have not 'gotten it' we get to play the 'coach' giving them lots of time and practice in the game to master the skill of sharing and turn taking!

One thing I find really helps speed it along for toddlers is using the correct terms with them cause we often mix terms which confuses them .... sharing is something we do with multiple items ... you need to share the blocks your hording, the books your hording, the 20 cars your hording, the grapes we are eating - because sharing is FRIENDLY and well everyone WINS with sharing cause we all end up with 'some' immediately .. and you can also play it with the how would you feel if you wanted to play with blocks or read a book or drive a car or enjoy some grapes and someone had ALL of them and would not share with you - helps them to learn empathy as well.

Verses TURN TAKING which is in reference to something you cannot SHARE cause there are only ONE of them ... so you need to take a TURN with the one ball everyone wants, the special book, the Thomas Train verses the 20 other perfectly good trains no one wants cause they are not Thomas and so forth those things you cannot 'share' in the true sense but rather one person gets a turn and then the next person gets one based on how the group defines 'fair time frames' ... and here you can use a visual to help toddlers understand that when the 'sand runs out on the timer it will be your turn again' or when the microwave beeps or today is X's turn ALL DAY with that you and tomorrow is your turn ... whatever 'turn manager' you want to use in the program so that someone does not 'horde' the single items all the time as some kids would tend to do and well we cannot have 5 of everything in the program so that they never have to take turns with things ;)

In the meantime I find BAILEYS really helps during the MINE stage :o

[SummerLuvin]

Thanks for the tips ladies. I'm going to try the same colored cup everyday for each child, and just try to be as consistent as possible, hopefully he'll get it sooner rather than later. The funny thing is I know he can share....he just doesn't want to....if he's asked for a toy he is playing with, he will willingly and nicely hand it over to anyone who asks. But as soon as he does the tears start flowin', and just as fast as he gets it back, he'll stop. And I've tried to show him how to take turns and share with him, myself and a 13 month old and literally for ten minutes just passed a toy back and forth between the three of us every time asking nicely and saying thank you for sharing and other praises; but as soon as he got back to playing, the crying, screaming, hoarding boy was back. It's like the last ten minutes were just a fun little game, didn't learn a thing from it.......pass the Baileys! LOL

[mom-in-alberta]

Yes, I think there are some things we compromise on (it's not hard to have a certain color of cup/plate, and helps them with a bit of a routine, etc. PS: I love you Ikea, for your 6 packs of kids dishes!) and some we don't (you may not WANT to share, but you will learn).
I don't know, I think the only thing to do is consistently reinforce what you expect of him. At 20 mos, he understands you even if he can't vocalize himself yet.
I would be making him wait until he is calm and quiet to get his snack, etc as well. Cry and scream all you want, it doesn't make it come to you any faster!

[Momof4]

Yes Mom-inalberta! I use the exact same Ikea sets of bowls, cups, plates with 6 different colours. It's perfect! I also have the tupperware cups with the sippy lids. They last forever and are different colours. Then of course I have some of the cups with the straws that are different colours because different children have success with different systems of sippies.

I also forgot to mention that my rule is the child who is screaming or acting out in any way is the one who gets out of the playpen last or gets to go to lunch last or whatever. You have to teach them there is NO reward for bad behaviour. I won't even pick them up when they are crying for no reason but bend down to them and talk to them and pat their head or their back and tell them 'no crying' until they start to settle down and then I pick them up.

[sunnydays]

I have always used colour coded cups as well and it works really well. In fact,it works so well that the kids associate certian colours with certain kids...they will see a purple flower and say "Sally's flower" if that is her colour of cup :laugh: I never have fights over cups and I don't get requests for the blue cup etc. :)

[Connect]

Hi, yeah toddlers can really make you want to tear your hair out. This is called "egocentrism" very normal in a toddler. Even toddlers who have siblings or cousins can also display this behaviour. At my centre I would create activities that the children can do together such as mural painting or sandbox where the children had to "share." Time outs for this age do not work because all they are worried about is what they want. The concept of time out is not yet comprehensible at this age. My suggestion would be first of all do not allow this child to bring toys into the play area. These toys are HIS possession and so you should say the toys in this house are for all of us to take turns with. Let him know that the toys you provide will be the only toys the children will play with. Obviously some children need to have a "transition toy" when they come from home to your setting. That is fine as long as they leave it in their knapsack or cubbie. Often with toddlers the word "share" may not be possible. Use the word "take turns." Also have duplicates of "favourite" toys if possible. Redirection is key and so are offering choices. To support him I also recommend that you display "sharing" behaviour. So if you are reading a book with another child say "Let's share a book together." Also the parents should really be made aware of your intent to teach him the concept of "sharing." I often expressed to my parents that "we are working on our social skills by learning to "take turns" or "sharing." Let them know how you are doing this at your programme and suggest they do this at home. Also teaching patience may be another concept you and the parents will want to help him understand. For example, when he wants something quickly and starts to cry. You say "I know you would like your snack right away. You look "angry" but right now I am "preparing" or so and so needs it first because they asked first. Please be patient. Teach him about expressing feelings. Often toddlers do not have the language to express that they may feel "frustrated" So we as adults must teach. I used to have a poster displaying different feelings and showing and naming what different feelings look like. Start with simple feelings like "angry" "sad" "happy" before you use the more complicated ones such as "Frustrated". Be firm, calm, consistent and confident in your communication with him. When he has tamtrums let him have them and say "I know you are angry because you want to drink from the cup so and so is using. But right now she is drinking. When she is finished you can have a turn. Let me know when you are ready." Also redirection may help later you say Wow your cup has green colour. Green like the leaves. Let me see how you drink out of it." There is a book called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. Her website is positivediscipline.c om. I hope I have helped in my little way. Often it is finding the right responses with children. You can do this. We have to be respectful and responsive to children's need. The saying goes "A misbehaved child is a discouraged child." He is discouraged because he cannot express himself and feels that noone understands him. So even saying "I understand you are angry, but right now we are playing with daycare toys. Your toys will be safe in your knapsack and you can have them back when you are picked up. All the best to you and be strong.

[SummerLuvin]

They're not really his toys from his house, they're his toys that he's selected form the bins in the playroom......he'll go the bins, pick a car, go across the room and place it on the couch. Then he'll return to the bins, pick another toy, walk across the room and place it on the couch, he'll continue to do this until he has about a dozen or more toys on the couch. Once he's got all the toys he wants, he'll play with them one at a time at the couch and if anyone else comes even close to the couch to play with any of his selected toys, he freaks out........there could be 10 cars on the couch, he could be playing with 2, but no one else is allowed to play with the other 8......I usually try to get his attention first (he's usually in hysterics if someone's taken his toy), and i explain: "look, there's lots of cars, you can have some, i can have some, Joey can have a few and Sally can have some, WE CAN ALL PLAY. All the toys in the playroom are to be shared with everyone. You can't play with all the cars, you must share. They are not your toys, they are my toys which I am sharing with you, so you need to share with the other kids too." he doesn't like that i distribute the toy cars among "joey" and "sally", he tries to get them back, but when i insist he shares, he usually leaves the area (not nicely or quietly) and goes to play by himself with a different toy. It hasn't sunk in yet, but I'm sure it will.......

[mom-in-alberta]

I have to say that I would probably not even let the "hoarding" begin. When he puts more cars on the couch than he can physically play with at one time, I would either be getting him to pick some out to play with or finding a way to slide the others back into the general population, LoL. Our rule is if you put it down, you are done. The toy is fair game, now! (Some exceptions, of course)
I think you are right, just keep doing what you are doing. It's a tough concept to grasp, because of the age group. But it can be done!!
One thing I wanted to ask (respectfully), is why people say that toddlers "can't" share? But that they can take turns? I don't understand. Is that not the same basic idea, but using different terminology? Either way we are teaching that you don't always get to play with everything you want to, immediately when you want. Either way, it's the same social skill and the same principle, no? I understand the differences that Reggio pointed out earlier, but doesn't it just come down to semantics?