Do you think this is more than just "normal" toddler behavior?

[fruitloop]

Ok, so I'll do a bit of back story here so you know what I've been dealing with with this dcb. Dcb was 12 months when he first started with me in Sept./11. He is now 20 months. When he first started he was quite aggressive towards the other kids. He would lay on them if ANYONE was on the floor, hit, bit twice in a 5 month span, doesn't keep his hands to himself at all etc. It was to the point that ALL the kids would say as soon as he walked in the door "no hands G, no hands". The other kids didn't dislike him but they were a bit afraid that he was going to hurt them. Over time he has gotten a little bit better but I still can't trust him around the other kids if I can't have my eyes on him. So I have to change a diaper where I can see him or make him come play near me so I can watch him.

He recently has taken up chasing my dogs with a stroller and ramming things into people so now I have to watch that too and I generally just take it away now so I don't have to deal with that. He slaps his mom in the face (when she picks him up) at almost every pick up because he is mad and doesn't want to stop playing and leave. I know for a fact he hits her at home and has taken to kicking her too. Before anyone gets their back up, no there is no abuse at home, he doesn't do this to any other adult other than her (because she isn't stern enough with him so he thinks he can do it). He wouldn't DARE do it to me. When he hits his mom at p/u he looks at me right away because he knows that it's bad.

Fast forward to yesterday...

We were playing outside after pm snack and dcg(4.5year) was minding her own business, playing in the sandbox and dcb went up behind/beside her and kicked her in the leg for absolutely no reason. I went and grabbed him and put him in a chair and that is where he sat until his mom came to get him. I don't know what was going through his little head to randomly go up to someone (who was just playing on there own) and kick them in the leg. WTF...I have never had a child in my care, or my own children, or seen a child do this before. I watched him. She was just playing happily on her own in the sandbox and he walked up to her and wound up and kicked her in the leg. I let him off the chair to go to dcm when she arrived, she picked him up and he saw the neighbor's toy trucks and he wanted to see them. So, she lifts him up to see over the fence and when she was trying to get his hands off the fence he got mad and slapped her in the face hard. Dcmom instantly said "no, I understand you're frustrated but you can't hit." and I said "HEY" at the same time with a very dirty look. I handed her the chair and said feel free to put him in a time out. So, she put him in the chair to do some time.

Before we went outside he walked up to dcg and kicked her too but I didn't see it. My back was turned to them because I was getting another kid dressed for outside but she yelled "ow, no kicking G".

Hitting, kicking, biting out of frustration/anger i get and understand because they don't have all the words yet to express how they're feeling...doesn't make it acceptable but I understand it but to randomly go up to another person and do this...I don't get that. Most of his actions here are random...no one is hurting him, taking things away from him, etc. He will just go up to them and hit them, kick them, bite them (on 2 occasions) or whatever. It's not all day long but it's at least once or twice a day that I have to give him crap about it and separate him. He hits his mom (that is out of anger because he doesn't want to stop playing to go home) every day and this has been going on for months!

I'm seriously getting sick and tired of this! I don't dislike the kid at all, in fact I really like him...except for this aggressive mean streak he seems to have. He can be a very funny, quirky, loving little boy but then he turns around and does something aggressive/mean. He will be out for the summer because his dad is a teacher but will be returning in the fall. I want to have a major chat with dcmom today about this behaviour and tell her that they need to get this under control by Sept. when they return or I will have no choice but to terminate him for the safety of the children in my care. He will be 2 when he returns and he should NOT be doing this at that age. At 2 he can fully understand what is and is not acceptable behaviour and I won't be tolerating it any more. I have a very young group come Sept. with dcb being 1 of the oldest in care and I can't have him hurting any of the kids at all!

He kicked again today and almost kicked one of my 12 month old dcb in the head. Thankfully I was right in reach because I was getting everyone ready for outside and I was able to intervene before his foot connected.

I've composed a letter to give to the parents after my talk with her (this is not the first talk I've had with her and they are VERY well aware about his actions) that I'm going to get them to sign and return to me. I don't really know what will happen with this. If they'll continue to work with me or end up giving notice after I talk with dcmom and give them their write-up but I can't have this happening any more. I've tolerated it for far to long as it is. This is the letter I wrote up for them...


Due to recent events that happened yesterday, May 30, 2012 it is imperative DCB’s aggressive (hitting, kicking, etc.) behavior towards others is corrected. Yesterday he kicked another daycare child twice for absolutely no reason (he was not provoked at all, just went up and kicked her) and then at pick up hitting DCmom in the face again. This behavior is unacceptable. He will be one if not the oldest child here in September and I cannot have him hurting other children in my care. I have tried correcting this behavior as well with time outs and positive reinforcement and even though he has gotten a bit better over the last 10 months, the behavior still persists. I have tolerated it in hopes to help correct it but unfortunately, for the safety of the other children in my care; I cannot tolerate it any further. I can’t trust him to be with the other children without my constant eye on him and this takes a lot of my energy and time away from the other children in my care which is not fair. I am hoping that you can work on this behavior over the summer for when he returns in the fall.

He is a very smart, funny, quirky and loving little boy that I really do adore and hopefully his behavior will have improved as I’m looking forward to his return in the fall. Unfortunately, if it hasn't, I will have no choice but to let him go for the safety of the other children. I would rather not do this as I really like DCB but I have to look out for my group as a whole.

When he returns in September, he will be put on probation. He will be 2 at that time so I’m hoping that he will have outgrown whatever this stage is that he is currently in. I’m hoping that you will be able to work with him to understand, using whatever means necessary, acceptable behavior towards others and turn him around for his return in the fall.



So...what do you guys think...is this more than your typical toddler behavior because I have never come across a child that seems to have this much aggression towards others.

I was looking on a website about toddler aggressive behavior and there is a section of when to seek help with a list of things. Going through the list I saying in my head "yup" to almost all of them! This is the list and I'm considering printing off the article and giving it to them with their written warning.


When to Seek Help

Some aggressive behavior is a typical part of early childhood development (see the introduction and the age-based sections above for more information). However, if a child’s aggression is interfering in his ability to interact with others in positive ways, in his ability to explore and learn, or if you find that because of your child's aggressive behavior you avoid having him play with other children or taking him to other activities, it can be very helpful to seek guidance from a child development professional.


Certain behaviors do warrant additional attention when they happen often and continue over time. Examples include when a child:

Appears fearless or reckless, taking a “daredevil” approach to life. This approach often leads to breaking things or intrusive behavior (getting into other people’s space). YUP


Seems to crave high-intensity sensory stimuli. Sometimes children who need lots of “touch” to feel cetnered get this sensory input in unacceptable ways (hitting, shoving, pushing, etc.) Yup, he is a bit of thrill seeker


Engages in unprovoked hitting; acts aggressively "out of the blue" or for no reason you can see.YUP


Shows a preoccupation with aggressive themes in pretend play.Yup, sort of...he likes to ram into things/people but that could be a boy thing too


Begins acting aggressively following a traumatic episode or major life change.
(Adapted from Diagnostic Classification: 0-3 Revised, ZERO TO THREE, 2005.)


This was from this website here... http://www.zerotothree.org/child-development/challenging-behavior/aggressive-behavior.html#hit%20 mom

I just don't know what else to do with this kid :(

...and I apologise for it being so long, if you go through all of this, thanks :)

[Momof4]

I have a little boy just turned 2 who is a super sweetie. But he also lays on the two 18 month old babies all the time. He is in time out a lot for that. Why do they do that? He also takes toys out of their hands and I tell him nonstop to give them back. He's very big for his age and I can't take my eyes off him either for fear that he will harm another child without knowing his own strength. However, that's all he has in common with your little one. This guy doesn't have a mean bone in his body and has great parents who ARE PARENTING HIM!

I think your letter is really good and lets the parents know that they have ignored or tolerated the bad behaviour for far too long and it must stop now. Isn't it sad that you have to point out the bad parenting? But you MUST! And probation in Sept. is a good plan. You are letting the parents know they had better get to work.

Can you print out the article you quoted above and put it with your letter as a point of reference? Maybe the parents don't know where to seek help and that's showing them that you are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty and help them however you can.

I hope they appreciate you for the wonderful caregiver that you are. If they do realize you are right you are doing this little boy a huge favour in his life.

[jazmic]

I think you are handling it really well. The letter and the accompanying article are a really good idea. Kudos to you! :)

[clep]

I would provide notice to the parent. IMO the parents is the root of the problem. A toddler doesn't have to be taught to hit via the actions of another. It is just a natural reaction to frustration that they can't vent any other way. The problem is that if that behavior is not corrected, an aggressive child is created.

Since you have spoken with the parent about this before and no change has been made, it is pretty clear to me that no changes are going to be. I have learned that I cannot create skills in a parent that they do not have, nor are interested in obtaining.

I think though your dedication to being proactive with the situation and diplomatic with the parent is inspiring. Let us know how it goes. :)

[Connect]

Hello,
I am happy to see that you are objective that it is his BEHAVIOUR and not his personhood that is the problem. A MISBEHAVED CHILD IS A DISCOURAGED CHILD. Toddler children because of their lack of verbal skills tend to use physical aggression to try and get their point across. This little boy sounds like he needs the attention and so he knows that by hitting he gets some attention. Have you tried giving him some positive attention during the day? For example, if he is playing nicely for a bit you may want to comment on what he is doing by asking open-ended questions and being genuinely interested in him. Try and see if you can provide more-one on one time with him. If he sits on another child say "G you need to lie for a bit then lie down on this nice big pillow I have for you." Providing opportunities for using his hands in a positive manner such as having him play with playdough or other sensory materials to take out his aggression on. I like playdough and goop as it allows children the need to use their fingers and hands by pounding the playdough and squeezing the goop. Canteach is a great website you can use to make these sensory activities. I hope this helps. It is gonna be okay. I think getting together with mom to think of ways to help him through this agression will help. As her what he likes to do at home using his hands (aside from slapping her :laugh:)

[Sandbox Sally]

I like your letter.

And I'm not even kidding - my dcb is EXACTLY like him, except he's 5 months older. Everything you described, Mr Man here does as well. I love him to death, but his behaviour stinks. He doesn't seem to show any kind of remorse either, or even react to a time out. I personally hate time outs, and only do it to him because I've run out of alternatives.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[fruitloop]

Well, I talked to her last night and tears started to well up in her eyes and she started to cry a bit. I put my arm around her shoulders and told her not to cry. She said that she is just frustrated and I told her I was too. I told her all the things I loved about him, how much I really do adore him but told her this HAS to change! She understands I think and I'm hoping she will step up and crack the whip with him a bit so he knows she means business. He's good with the dad because the dad is more stern with him so the dcb knows he means business. Dcmom is a lot more softer and she admitted that and this is where the problem lies so hopefully she will pull up her big girl panties and be more stern with him so he knows she means business.

[Sarah A]

I agree with all the comments so far on this issue. I have a few two year old with these behaviours that I was looking for answers too on how to cope. I like how you have written a letter to the parents because sometimes all I think I do it chat with them about it when I really need something formally written to reference later.

I have a lot of problems with hitting here and just had all the families over for a BBQ last weekend. I see now where some of the kids get their behaviours from because one of my DCK's was acting up and the parent went over and hit her a couple times to correct it (not hard but just enough to make her know that he doesn't tolerate the behaviour). He did it right in front of me (SMART DAD) but now I realize where some of the behaviours come from.

I also liked the idea of pulling that article you mentioned and handing it to the parents so they can see another person's opinion.