Separation anxiety 9mos old

[Mamma_Mia]

The little girl in my care is displaying sever separation anxiety. Mom says that it's gotten much worse lately to the point where mom can't go pee without a purple faced screaming child. Mom is at her wits end.

Mom is trying to do things to help baby....like having to go out more and even had her first grandparents sleep-over last weekend. all fails but mom is trying to show her it's ok, mom will be back.......BUT issue is mom also "spoils" her. the sound of any whimper, cough, cry mom rushes to her side.

Baby is now super smart and plays us all. she will have a fit if I put her down and she can see me (if I go into another room she will stop after 5/10min) but if I am in eye sight she will not stop. once I pick her up it's MAGIC and the whole time not ONE tear is shed. She also freaks out at everysingle diaper change...I noticed she doesn't like to be laying down. Dad says thats from birth, also she doesn't do tummy time....again freaks out.

I wish I could attach a video for you ladies to see...Its not crying its SCREAMING with pure anger.

PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE!

I can't hold her all day long nor would I want too...she's 9mos old but 25lbs and a BIG chunk-a-wonka baby. My arms are so sore the next day and my back killed after 2hrs in a sling so that's no longer an option for me.

[Littledragon]

I know the screaming you're talking about! I had the SAME thing. I even had one who GROWLED. The trick is DO NOT FEED INTO IT. Don't give her attention, not negative or positive - NONE.

And know, this is normal at this age. At this age, they are just realizing that you're not apart of them, that mom and baby are two seperate entities, so when mom leaves, baby freaks out. Mom and yourself can help by playing "hello, goodbye." It's like peek a boo, but you say hello and goodbye. you can play peek a boo and hide and seek. Practice leaving the room and coming back. Leave the room for a minute, and come back. Make the seperations short so she understands that you will come back. DON'T pick her up when she is 'fake' crying. Wait till she stops. If you pick her up and she starts, or she starts as you're walking towards her (I had a baby who did that) turn around or put her down. NEVER feed into her crying. (Unless she is in distress) If there are no tears, she is probably testing the waters. Mom should follow suit as well. Not to pick her up unless she is absolutely in need. When she's quiet, reward her with lots of cuddles and attention.

Be consistent and play those games. It's work soon enough. Just be aware that this is normal behavior for her age and work to show her that it's ok to be seperated. :)

[Mamma_Mia]

YES GROWLING!!!! she does that!! or blows 'raspberies' from being so mad!

I would sit next to her on the floor to play...even had her inbetween my legs she'd still freak out. I'd sit her ON my lap and ta-da!! all better.....little bugger!

My gut instinct is to just leave her crying...I didn't want to be doing something "wrong" because she's so young, no kid I know has ever done this so it's a "first" for me.

[Mamma_Mia]

Mom should follow suit as well. Not to pick her up unless she is absolutely in need.

This is where I think I am going to have the hardest part with...

[Littledragon]

If it makes you feel better, I have a little boy who is SUPER indulged at home. Sometimes I wonder, when he falls, if mom WANTS him to cry because she sort of eggs him on. But here, now that I've done the training, he is MUCH better. Put her in an area when she feels safe, my growler felt save on the couch. And she would cry there while i carried on with the kids. When she stopped, I would hold her. Otherwise, she was crying alone. (I gave her three days grace period to get a feel for the place, I also integrated her with mom too, so it's not like I did all this on her fisrt day) She caught on REALLY fast. The little boy took a little longer, but he caught on too. Still sometimes, I have to put him in time out because he just WANTS to cry. He faces the wall on the floor, and when he calms down, he can get out. Everytime he stops, I say: Are you done? And pick him up. If he starts crying again, I put him right back down. It really does work if you are consistant. You just have to show them that they can't play you.

Your little girl sounds like mine lol, especially with the lap thing. She's just trying to feel safe. But show her that she can be safe beside you. She doesn't need your complete 100% undivided attention to be safe. The GOOD news though is that since she is already coming to you for comfort, you've won half the battle :) Just continue to be consistant and you'll be ok :)

[Momof4]

Shut the baby gate and go do what you have to do. That's what happens here. I can see them and HEAR them and they are safe and they are learning that they do not always get their way. That is something toddlers must learn.

I have a boy is FOUR AND A HALF who puts on an Oscar winning performance for his mother every morning at dropoff and I want to vomit! Good grief, the way he plays his mother and she falls for it all the time is really pathetic. She isn't doing her son any favours. But that's just my opinion of course.

But as soon as she is gone he shapes up into the wonderful, well-behaved little boy that I know he can be and he knows that is exactly what I expect from him.

[Mamma_Mia]

Thanks ladies for the reassurance that I'm going about it the right way! I get torn between the dcp in me and the mom who's seeing a little baby cry...lol EVEN though I KNOW she's manipulating me lol

THANK YOU again!!

[Mamma_Mia]

That is something toddlers must learn.

Do you feel the same way about a 9 month old?

(tripple checking lol)

[Littledragon]

Do you feel the same way about a 9 month old?

(tripple checking lol)

YES!!! Start em young lol. With my son, I noticed he started manipulating me around 7 months. Nine months is pretty young, but it's old enough to know ACTION and REACTION.

[crafty]

LittleFeet I can totally relate. I just recently posted about my own 3 year old girl's tantrums. Normally for any other child I would advise to no matter what your startegy is be consistant and do not feed into the behaviour. How silly do I feel to need to get my own advice from someone else LOL But it's ok and it's very normal. We have does darn motherly feelings that get in the way of our judgment ;0) All I can say to you is stick with what you beleive is in the best intentions for your child. If daycare one day a week is all you can do for now than that's a reality and it just means that you may have to work a little longer or harder to get your baby past the phase ...and you know what maybye not. If you feel guilty , don't let your baby feel it. Remember that your baby's only way of talking to you is by crying. It may sound worst than it actually is, she is already smarter than you think:p

Good luck !

[kidlove]

Have to do whats best for the child, and sounds like what is best is letting her know that even though she is not held constantly she is still loved. If parents cant work with you though, i fear you are wasting your time trying.

[kidlove]

I agree on both ends..from a daycare provider point of view I feel strongly about more than just a couple days a week to get the child comfy and felling more secure. However if the child needs socialization or time away from home (stay at home mom or only child) one day a week is better than "none" day a week. :)
I take care of my nephew one day a week for about 5 hours. His mom works from home and feels he needs some social interaction given he is home ALONE with her working in the other room! (dont ask) anyway..I think that is a great start for him. He is so alone all the time that if a child laughs in my dayCare he will begin to cry he is fearful of other children and extreamly cottled by his mother (when shes not working:)) my point: one day is better than nothing.

[Mamma_Mia]

Baby has been here since 7:30 today and it's hasn't been good.....My daughter woke up and she seemed to get worse when I was paying attention to my DD! If I sat on the couch she would NOT stop crying but if I left the room she'd stop crying almost instantly....until seeing me again.

I'm now on the computer while my DD has her breakfast and because baby can't "see" me she's not crying. I'm sitting right in front of her but "hiding" behind the laptop and shes fine! I peek my head over and she sees me - meltdown.

Lordy child!!

[Momof4]

Littlefeet, I would never judge you! I'm just speaking from my own experience but you can never compare children because they are all so different depending on their temperaments and personalities. I know wonderful caregivers who have a child attending one day or two days a week and they make it work for them.

Oh MammaMia, you must feel like you have your scary face on today, haha. What's your drug of choice? Caffeine? Wine? A bubble bath? All three maybe would help. Wishing you best of luck. And by the way, yes I do believe a 9 month old knows exactly how to wrap people around their little fingers and get picked up with a wail. I have actually asked parents of screamers to please not pick up their child at the first yell.