I hate potty training!!

[Littledragon]

So I have a little boy who is going to be three in October and he is STILL wearing pull ups 24/7. Mom had expressed to me that she was having a really hard time so I came up with a plan. No more pull ups, giving out stickers and prizes. It worked REALLY well for a few weeks. He was getting almost 4 stickers a day and was only wearing pull ups during naps. But mom seems to have stopped caring so much. She keeps pull ups on him when they go out, and he's been arriving in pull ups, I guess because he doesn't pee before he leaves the house so he's been peeing in the car on the way.

The little boy is a BIG suck when it comes to his mom. He gets all sucky and sad when he doesn't want to do something and then she just lets him get away with it. I've watched them do it. She wanted him to pee on the way out, and they sat in the bathroom for like 5 minutes, her saying over and over, "go on the potty" and he would just look all sad and cling to her. It was really hard to watch. I don't know them well enough yet to interject. That day, he'd gotten all his stickers so he got a prize. Mom said if he didn't go, he couldn't take his prize home. And they left without it. Which COMPLETELY defeated the purpose. Since then, things haven't been going well.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be the one doing ALL the work when it comes to potty training him, I don't think it's fair. It's not fun and I HATE it, but if I had mom's full support, I would be willing to do it. But with him showing up in pull ups, it kind of throws the whole thing off.

I want to just throw in the towel until mom is ready.

[samantha3]

Potty training a child is not your job, it is the PARENTS JOB!! If she wants to bring him in a pull up I would let her as it is her choice if she wants to follow through on potty training or not. I would not be putting in any effort if the parents were not helping out, that is bs. You sound like your intentions are great, they are lucky to have you as a dc provider!

I would throw in the towel because it is very obvious that mom is not ready yet. Good luck!

[mimi]

I have a 3 yr old dcg like this too. She came in diapers and I had the pull ups! Guess who they wanted to train her. I asked Mom if they were following through with training at home and she said she can't because their house is carpeted.......what? So I just told her xxxx is getting mixed messages and when THEY are ready to be on board with training then I would be more than happy to assist them. She is still coming in diapers and is asking me if she can go on the potty here because she wants to be a big girl which I of course let her do. I told parents of her requests and successes and they just smile and nod and bring her in her diaper.

[kidlove]

When I have a kid who is at the age for pottying and shows all the signs, I inform the parents they seem ready and tell them to let me know when they are ready to get on board and work at home as well as me working here. If i begin training and inform the parent but they keep dropping off in diaper or pullups and when i ask they give me the careless response of, we are just not getting anywhere at home, or the famous "i ask them if they have to go and they said no", i will gently remind them it's not up to them, we have to train them to go to the potty and it cant be their choice. if i get a parent that just doesnt seem to be on board, I will just inform them.....let me know when YOU are ready and I will follow your lead.
It's not worth wasting your time if the parent isnt taking the time at home!!!!!!!!

[apples and bananas]

I've always believed that a child will not potty train until they are ready. You can't force it. And it's not your job... it's the parents job. We can support it as much as possible, but it takes time and it's not up to us.

So, as much as I applaud you trying to take the bull by the horns and run the show, it's really more then you need to take on. I wait for the parent ( or sometimes the child ) to prompt me.

I have a potty training policy and that's what I go by. I am happy to support potty training, however, a child does not recieve anything but a hug and a "great job" from me when they go. They wear pull ups until they are asking to go and are successful for several weeks. Nap time will wear a pull up until they are dry for several weeks as well. I can not risk having other children involved in accidents. If a parent shows up in underwear because little suzy had a great day yesturday... nope! Put on the pull up. They need to have several great days until they go with undies in my house.

[DCP_But_Momma_1st]

I feel your pain.

My own kid is almost 3 and so far from being "ready" it kinda sucks. On my end I will NOT struggle on my end until the child is showing all the signs of being ready. Sometimes I have to tell a parent that it is time and other times they try way too soon. Either way we both have to be in agreement and follow the same consistant routine or it is all for not.

[playfelt]

No matter what parents ask for or do at home I pretty much do my own thing. I don't do anything here till child either asks to sit on the potty or wakes up from nap dry. If they wake up dry then I get all excited with them and say you stayed dry just like the big kids so you are big enough to sit on the potty too - all the while putting the child on the potty . They are still so groggy they are on the toilet before they realize what happened to them,lol. I just keep talking and praising it up and especially if other kids come to watch. I leave them there till they pee or put up even the slightest fuss. Then it is back to change table (just outside bathroom door) to put diaper on. I keep doing this. That is usually the first pee I am able to catch. Then we move on to taking a turn to sit on the potty middle of morning when others take a turn, etc. The intent here is not that they will pee but they will periodically sit. I use an insert on the toilet not a little potty chair.

Eventually I start to catch a few pees and they catch on. The goal is that they will learn to hold it till the next time we try.

I do not use pullups during the learning phase because I treat pullups like safety underwear - safe to be used in my house so there are no accidents on the floor. We use diapers till we are ready to actually be going pee. One of the problems is that parents swith to pullups too soon before the child has any hope of muscle control so by the time they are ready to really train they are used to peeing in the pullup. I have never had a problem training a child using pullups and refuse to do it any other way. I put a diaper back on for naptime since we are not responsible for what our body does while we are sleeping but then we wake up dry, go pee in the potty and get our pullup back on. Diaper is then put in their bin for the next day.

[kidlove]

I never used pull ups for my own kids, I think pullups are just a way for the diaper company to hold on to you for another year or two. If a child is ready to potty train, rather than relying on pull ups you just wait for all the signs and follow through. If they are smart enough to know their poop and pee go in the potty or to hide during a poop, they are smart enough to use the potty. if they stay dry through a rest period or just plain seem interested, they are ready! BUT, you need to check with parents to make sure THEY are ready. I reccently had a boy that potty trained at 4.5 years old, NO JOKE! made me a little sick, he was very ready (mentally) but lazy, and maybe the parents were too. I started to train him and parents "said" they were working at home, but when dad dropped off I would get comments like "he hasnt used potty in couple days" "i ask him if he has to go and he says, no" REALLY? of course he does. he wants to sit and play, not sit on the pot. not too many kids choose to just hop right up at first, you have to encourage it, then after the first few times, they get praise and reward, they like the attention and feeling of "being a big kid" and get the hang of it. vwa-la! potty trained!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Yup ~ you cannot potty train a child until the child is READY to do it ~ they have to have the developmental control over their bladder and sphincter, they have to have the self help skills to go independently and the language skills to communicate the need to go if the bathroom is not 'independently accessible' and they need to be 'motivated' to make that change cause you cannot 'force' a child to sit on a potty if they are afraid or not willing .... so without those criteria being met while IN CARE I do not care what they are doing at home potty training does not start here ~ I will 'offer/exposing them' to the concept of toilet at about 18 months but I follow their lead!

I also totally agree with the concept that all a pull up is good for is a disposable containment unit OVER underwear .... introducing them too early and allowing a child to pee and poo in them for months 'thinking' they are in big boy/girl 'pants' as they are advertized not only delays training but is a huge waste of $$$ cause they do not promote 'readiness' or anything you can keep them in a diaper right up until you are ready to start underwear training???

[Littledragon]

I agree with the pull up thing. That's why I stopped putting on his pull ups. But he NEVER asks to go the bathroom and I often do a good job of remembering. But one day he peed on my COUCH, and another day, he peed on my son's blankie. He's emabarrassed to use the potty and I think it's something to do at home.

I'm a little frustrated that she gave up because now I feel like if he's not being potty trained, she's going to blame me because, as someone said, I sort of took the bull by the horns and said, this is what we're going to do. But I honestly didn't think she would give up. She just doesn't seem interested at all. I don't really want to say anything, or do anything. I think I will just continue doing what I'm doing here, but he'll be wearing pull ups (becasue my husband FLIPPED out about the couch) and I'm not going to stress over it. Maybe we'll talk about it again in the future. I just feel like since he's here 75% of his waking hours, it would be best for me to do most of the work. But I can't do it, if he's going to get away with it at home. They don't make the effort at home, I'm not making it here.

[KingstonMom]

I asked Mom if they were following through with training at home and she said she can't because their house is carpeted.......what?

Unbelieveable.
I am getting used to the odour of pee every morning when my son has wet the bed. Just change the sheets and wipe down the mattress. And the random liquid drops on the floor in the bathroom? I don't ask, just clean it up. That faint brown stain on my sons bedroom carpet? Yep, another accident. Looking forward to replacing the carpets, couches, and kitchen table when my kids are older.
Its a part of raising kids. You DEAL with the mess that goes along with them.

[Toregone]

On the reverse to the really too old kids not being potty trained yet do you have any experiences with children too young to be trained? I recently had an interview with the parents of a 13 month old who they swore was "almost trained" but the last DCP hadn't kept it up.. meanwhile he wasn't walking without help. Tell me how can a barely talking, not walking infant be potty trained?

I have another in care right now that is 20 mos. His mom says he shows signs at home, asks to go pee and poo but meanwhile at my house he doesn't do anything of that. I think mom may be hoping he trains really soon as she's pregnant with #2.

[Momof4]

I don't think 2 years or 3 years old is old enough to push hard for toilet training. By 4 years old they should be there, especially before school. But all children learn at different paces and I agree that it is the PARENT'S JOB, we are the assistants. And we definitely can't make the decisions, that's also the parent's job.

[kidlove]

That is just it!!!! If THEY dont make the effort at home, you are wasting your time making the effort there. you know what though? kids are really smart, just keep telling him to ask mom and dad at home and he can bug them until they do it!!

[kidlove]

wow toregone, you may want to send that one in to the gynes book of world records, "potty training before walking" thats freekin amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 mo. is def more believable. My daughter was trained at 23 months, with alot of reminding and assistance from me and grama. and my son was almost 2.5 yrs old. All my kids in the daycare have been before 3 if I have trained with help from parents. I did have the one who started with me 3.5 yrs old and wasnt trained until almost 4.5 but IMO it was because mom and dad didnt care either way. makes a dif when the parents could give a crud less, makes the kid not care also.

[DCP_But_Momma_1st]

as for early training...I had a friend who serioulsy sat her daughter on the potty (more like held her up on it) from 6 months until she could sit on it herself. She was fully trained by 15 months. It was rediculous. Not the norm obviously and I couldn't actually believe she would go pee and poo at that age on the toilet but sure enough I saw it with my own two eyes. I have never and will never tell a daycare family that one or come a year and a half I will have kids showing up in undies LOL

[playfelt]

It's funny when I hear people talking about the age for potty training. All of my kids - well except for my special needs child who is still not trained at 19 years old and likely never will be - but all were trained by 2 and that was the norm back then. Yes starting to use the potty chair on your first birthday was normal. Disposable diapers stopped at size 4 - there was no need for anything bigger and pullups or night diapers didn't exist. Very few kids were not trained. But then kids ate earlier, used cups, used utensils, chewed food, etc a lot earlier too.

[kidlove]

Totally get you playfelt: that in my opinion is the sign of where our world is headed. I dont think there is anything wrong with pushing a child a little to use the pot. I did with mine and they are not scarred. as a matter of fact, it just opened the door to all kinds of independence for them. When they accomplish keeping dry and going potty at their own command on a toilet, they have an attitude of "i can do anything" it is amazing. all they have to do is reach that "level: of intelligence which most children hit before two years. kids are ALOT smarter than alot of people give them credit for. So many people have such a laid back approach. JMO: if you wait for a child to tell you they are ready for something: you are giving them all the control (not good) you are teaching them to be lazy (not good) and you are not encouraging them to do things to their potential (not good).

[Mamma_Mia]

I had a friend who serioulsy sat her daughter on the potty (more like held her up on it) from 6 months until she could sit on it herself. She was fully trained by 15 months. It was rediculous. Not the norm obviously and I couldn't actually believe she would go pee and poo at that age on the toilet but sure enough I saw it with my own two eyes.

ditto! me too!

[Mamma_Mia]

It's funny when I hear people talking about the age for potty training. All of my kids - well except for my special needs child who is still not trained at 19 years old and likely never will be - but all were trained by 2 and that was the norm back then. Yes starting to use the potty chair on your first birthday was normal. Disposable diapers stopped at size 4 - there was no need for anything bigger and pullups or night diapers didn't exist. Very few kids were not trained. But then kids ate earlier, used cups, used utensils, chewed food, etc a lot earlier too.

I think I'm the age of you kids (if I remember correctly from the "kids" post) but my mom says the same thing. I was fully potty trained buy the time my 3rd cousin was born and I turned 2 in March she was born in May....they started us at 1....AND the pottys "back then" according to my mom had a tray type thing that would hold the child in! LOL I was shocked!

I asked "so mom you'd lock me into a poty and I had no choice but to learn?" she replies "you better believe it"! I get comments from both familes that DD is 2.5 and not trained yet. She was doing great when we tried a few months back (she wanted to copy the other dc children) but after doing very well she regressed.....I decided to wait for more SIGNS that she's ready. We focused on 'big girl bed' instead which she did amazingly....no rails right away and 2 months in no fall offs!

NOW - in the last 2 weeks she's been telling me when's she's peed and has woken up from overnight bone dry....also whenever we're home (with no distractions) she'll tell me when she has poop.. LISTEN to this..she last night (3 time in 2 weeks) went on her own to go get her change mat, wipes case & diaper, brought it to me and said "mamma poo-poo". I didn't even know she "went". So.....I think we may try again soon.

[Littledragon]

It's funny when I hear people talking about the age for potty training. All of my kids - well except for my special needs child who is still not trained at 19 years old and likely never will be - but all were trained by 2 and that was the norm back then. Yes starting to use the potty chair on your first birthday was normal. Disposable diapers stopped at size 4 - there was no need for anything bigger and pullups or night diapers didn't exist. Very few kids were not trained. But then kids ate earlier, used cups, used utensils, chewed food, etc a lot earlier too.

I totally agree. I am kind of old fashioned when it comes to raising my son. He is "expected" to do things a lot younger than some other kids I know. He is 13 months and uses a spoon and a fork, he was eating finger foods at 8 months, and 100% feeding himself (minus pureed foods like yogurt and apple sauce) by the time he was 10 months and I WILL have him potty trained by the time he is 2, if not earlier. IMO a 3 year old who is not potty trained is selfishness on the parents part (I know, I'm going to get sh*t for that). There is no reason why a child should not be trained as soon as possible. And I do believe in pushing. I believe in waiting until a child is ready, but a child doesn't know he or she is ready until they have been guided. They don't understand these things. When I sleep trained my son, it was A LOT of guidance and little bit of him being ready. And, I beleive that the sooner you do it, the more successful you will be. Once they get to 2.5-3, they know too much and are manipulative. They know that if they don't want to, there are ways to get out of it. At 2, they are eager to please. JMO. When a kid starts hiding in a corner to pee or poo (usually starts around 18 months-2) then it's time to start. I think kids these days are WAY over indulged and parents have really HIGH expectations (he'll let me know when he's ready). No he won't! Because he doesn't even know what you're expecting him to do! We need to go back to the way our parents were raised (minus the alcohol and emotional abuse that was "acceptable" back then lol). Again, JMO

[playfelt]

If only that was possible. Every new crop of kids I get seems to get worse and worse. The last two years I have had to resort to punishments to convince kids to potty train before heading off to JK. They just didn't care. Parents were at their wits ends with potty training as well as a lot of other things. I just made life difficult for them till they figured out that using the potty was a lot less hassle than what I put them through if they didn't. It is crazy. Kids are more capable than we give them credit for and we do them a diservice when we hold them back. There is a difference between pushing when they aren't ready and a child just doing it because that is what they know is expected of them end of story kind of thing. Yes I would go back to the way care used to be and I have been doing this for 26 years so that is a lot of years to work with,lol.