How long would you keep a screamer?

[Yarnlover]

I am going on week 2 of my new little guy screaming/crying anywhere from 50-80% of the day. I am holding out my patience and I really hope the little guy starts to enjoy himself more consistently soon but I am just curious, how long would you all go on before you decide it's just not working out.?

[mimi]

Do you see any improvement since he started? I have a 14 month old girl who will scream as soon as Mom leaves. I put her in her crib for about 15 minutes (stops crying immediately) and then is good to go afterwards. Perhaps he needs some mental time outs because he's stressed in new situation. I would give it another couple of weeks to see if there's improvement, otherwise it is too stressful for everyone in household to listen to him and I would let him go.

[apples and bananas]

It depends if I'm seeing any improvment. I can't take a screamer for very long, but crying doesn't bother me. I had a crier for 3 straight weeks. Week 1 she would crawl to the door and stand there crying until food came around. She'd also cry her way through quiet time. On week 2 she still crawled towards the door, but I was able to take her outside without too much noise and she started to sleep for an hour during quiet time. Week 3 she was just overly demanding. She stopped the crawling to the door, but everything would make her cry... a toy taken away... a loud noise... diaper changes... etc. Now, she's a pro! Comes to my arms, smiles and giggles, she's my most mobile so I don't have to carry her anywhere and she sleeps for 3 hours every day. :)

Sometimes they're worth holding onto. But only you know what your limits are and what you can take.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I had a big ole Reggio style post typed out and it got eaten by cyberspace cause I must have hit the wrong button on my phone.

For me it would depend on the tone of the crying ... there are some tones I can handle and work with and well others that are just ear splitting drive me to drink tones that I would not be able to handle for more than a couple weeks specially if it were all day and everyday without improvement ...

I have never had to make this decision though so not sure what ' timeline' I would attach to trying ~ I have been really lucky that all my newbies since being in a home environment are basically settled within a couple of days where the only crying has been minimal and 'needs based' in that when they are first dropped off for a minute or too or if I missed feeding or sleeping cues and they got 'over hungry or tired' on me but they are generally always consolable even though some might have needed to be 'attached' to me in some way the first few weeks in order to not be crying and within a months no crying at all unless teething or in pain for some reason.

I personally think in home environment if you've seen no improvement after two weeks I would be giving the parents 'warning' that you will try for another two weeks but if there is no improvement you might have to consider termination.

[kidlove]

How ever long your "trial period" is and not a minute longer. Thats why you have it, for situations like this one. In my opinion it doesnt do anyone any good by keeping a "screamer". I would give two weeks and let the parents know, then a week longer, if no improvement at all in that week.....I would be done. We daycare providers can only take so much. Good Luck! :)

[daycarewhisperer]

When I built the nursery in my house I put in soundproofing insulation and solid core pine doors. I even insulated the ceiling. We have the space to have a separate nursery so they have their own area to fuss if they need to.

It only takes a couple of weeks of giving them their own area (separate play yard filled with oodles of the best baby toys ever :yes: ) in their own room before they get that it's more fun out in the general population.

I don't get bent out of shape when the non newborns come in as criers. I just added a one year old that was booted out of the previous day care over being a crier and she adjusted in less than a week. She does have a healthy (very loud and diva like) cry so I can see how her previous provider could surrender after a couple of months. If you couldn't get away from it, it would be pretty taxing on the nerves.

She was booted for being an extreme crier and now she only cries at nap time for two to three minutes. She went from being in a highly stressed environment where the adult was living on the edge to my house where she has ample space to express her little feelings. :woot: She's no longer a screamer.

I gladly accept screamers. Like those before her, there was NOTHING wrong with her whatsoever. She is a doll baby and I can't get enough of her. She's sassy and intense but I dig those kinds of kids.

Once I'm confident that there is nothing medically or psychologically wrong with the baby, I just try to stay out of the crying and do what I normally do. I don't get involved in the energy of that. I let the nursery walls absorb it and keep it off of my ears. I haven't had a single crier that didn't go native within a couple of weeks with the exception of one that had undiagnosed medical issues that were severe. I terminated that one because I knew there was something really wrong with him. I ran into him at the McDonalds years after I termed and his Mom recognized me. She had him come over to show me his belly which had a scar from sternum to belly button. He did have a serious medical issue that almost took his life. He taught me to go with my gut.

[Mamma_Mia]

I alos agree with it depends.....

I started with a 8mos old baby 1 day a week who hadn't been watched by anyone except mom or dad YIKES!!!!!!
She screamed (not cried) for the frist 6days (so a month & 2 weeks) here but again it was once a week so it's hard for her to feel comfortable with me. When she started 2 days a week she got better only screamed for about 1/2 the day as she got used to me too.

Now we're on 3 consecective days and starting FT next week....she cried when mom left and was fine 2min later. We went to the park and she played in the stroller all smiles and 'talking' away. When she got tired she grabbed for me (awww). I expect now that she's been with me to know me by end of next week (first 5 day week with me) she'll be acting normal!
p.s. her parnents were great at also helping her get used to being alone, not always in lap/arms and if she started to scream or growl vs cry mom would sharply say "STOP! we do NOT do that"....etc.

I say if within 2 full weeks (10 days) of being with you and NO improvement happens, I'd be looking for options!





Oh and I was very tough with 'mine' because she wasn't crying....no tears. She was SCREAMING and the second you picked her up she was smiling!! Oh no my dear...not happening here! If I saw that she was truly crying and needed cuddles then I'd of course go to her but to 'demand' me isn't an option or allowed.

[Yarnlover]

Thanks all for your responses.
I am not willing to give up yet, when my daughter was in daycare (for 5 months before I opened my own) she cried a lot too, she was terminated from her first daycare after 2 weeks. Her second daycare (while it was not ideal in some aspects) gave her more time and eventually she fit in and only cried for a few minutes at drop off. I feel like I definitely own this boy a chance like my daughter was given.
I only have two others in care plus my daughter, so the boy does get a lot of individual attention. We spend lots of time outdoors, lots of stories, circle time etc. I feel like if he is not happy here, in what I consider to be a pretty ideal situation,he won't be happy anywhere. I don't want to fail him if you know what I mean.

On the other hand, the crying sucks. Some days he does ok after a little bit and other days he just does not stop. He is happy (or at least quiet) when we are in the wagon, but that has been the only consistent thing that has made him happy. I told the mom today that we had a rough day, she seemed ready to cry. My heart is breaking for this kid and his mom. I really hope I can give him whatever it is he needs, and soon!

[Inspired by Reggio]

Oh Yarnlover I empathize ~ I have not yet had to terminate a child and it would have to be really bad for me to consider doing it ... aka the screaming hysterical type crying.

Is it possible he has high anxiety of what to expect from the 'group'? This would be my guess specially if he is happy when in a 'confined spot' or for short times if you are able to be holding him and so forth aka if he can be 'consoled' for some periods ... I have had little ones like that in care that took a long time to trust the movement and actions of the other kids ~ they were happy and content as long as they were 'in very close proximity' to me but if I was up and doing something out of their comfort zone they would cry ... so with wee ones like that I would put the highchair in the playroom and if my hands had to be busy I would move the child to the highchair 'close' to where my hands were going to be busy and they would be much 'better' because they felt safer from the unknown of the other kids and were still 'close' to me even though I was busy helping with art or something with the other kids.

My most recent addition was like this ~ happy as a clam as long as I was within an arms reach of him and he would venture and play and so forth but if I got up and moved out of the room, peed, and so forth he lost his little noodle ~ even if he could SEE me still there fear would take over with what the others did ... I just kept working with him trying to meet his need to feel safe while showing him that he could venture out and BE safe still ... he is 14 months old now and doing amazing ~ still a very snuggle type of kid who will go and play and venture nice and far now but than comes back for a reassurance you are there and off he goes again.

[Momof4]

Yarnlover, I had a record settin 7 month screamer, another screamed for 4 months, and another screamed for 2 months. I admit that those were really, really difficult months for me and for all the other children in care. We were all exhausted at the end of the day. But my rule is this: If I ask the parents for help and they are helping me at home I do not terminate, I keep trying. I terminated in my first year in business two families who would not help me or listen to me. Now they all know at the interview about my rule, but it isn't actually written down in my contract.

I don't think 2 weeks is long enough for a new baby, no matter what their age, to adjust. Put yourself in that little one's place in a strange place with strange faces all around, it's scary!

[kidlove]

The only thing I can add to all these really helpful responses is perhaps the MOST IMPORTANT! No matter how long you keep this little guy, (and I think its great you won't give up) but no matter how long you stick it out...know your limits! I cant stress it enough, we all have points we feel we might break, when you get there, take a step back, give the child space and give your self some peace. It is NOT easy to do this job, on a good day it takes ALOT! When you have a crier...it takes 100 times more. Just know your limits, if you have to, call the parent, leave the room or call someone to help you. It doesnt mean your not capable of doing your job well, it just means you are intelligent enough to know your limits. I know I shared this once before but its so important to me, the reality of our choices can make or break our lives. I know its not too bad for you now but sometimes all you have to do is have one bad day, or another child to give you a hard time to feel like you could "blow". I had a friend who "stupidly" decided to run her daycare w/ boyfriend, long story short they had a screamer, all day every day for like 2 months.....he hurt the child. yuck! I know. but after he made that CRAZY choice, THEN he realized what he had done. I always keep that in mind when I feel like maybe my hands are too full and I need some ease on things. Just know your limits. and good luck, I hope you can give this guy a happy and safe place to be, if not....your not a failure, just smart.

[Momof4]

Kidlove, that's a very good point. I have definitely noticed that parents try a lot harder when they see I'm reaching the end of my frustration limits. How can it not show on our faces when we are exhausted at the end of a long day and all the other children have had enough as well.

[kidlove]

Made me think of this one time when a Mom was dropping off her "screamer" and another child about 4 comes up to the Mom and says "you know he cries alot and its annoying" HA! The look on that Mom's face was priceless!!!!!!!!!!: laugh::laugh:

[Momof4]

Awesome! I have two 4 year old children here and a new baby starting. I may do some coaching if it comes to that. ;)

[Mamma_Mia]

I don't think 2 weeks is long enough for a new baby, no matter what their age, to adjust. Put yourself in that little one's place in a strange place with strange faces all around, it's scary!

I agree! Wht I meant was not for the child to be "perfect" in 2 weeks BUT to be able to see SOME improvement! Crying at D/O is normal to expect and when tried etc. I just think that after 10 - 9hr days he'she shouldn't be still crying for those 9 straight hours........know what I mean? Maybe only 4hr total? LOL