Time out?

[GymMom]

Do you give time outs? And if so, how do you go about it? Do you have a time out chair? Time out room? 1 minute per year of age? Parents asked me this today in an interview, saying that they use time outs with their boys at home. I have not had to do this yet with my dayhome kids, but would like to be prepared when these guys start. Hoping not to have to use it frequently, but should be ready, just in case! :)

[mimi]

I have very rarely had to give time outs. However, if I need to, I just have them sit at the bottom of the basement stairs with me monitoring. Yes, 1 min per year.

[Momof4]

Very few timeouts are used here too, usually for one child getting through a phase now and then until they realize that I do not allow certain behaviours, period. I have a chair in the corner of the room and after they calm down I talk to them eye to eye and make them apologize to their friend if they hurt someone.

I don't use a certain time because I think toddlers have the attention span of fruit flies so if you leave them too long they won't even remember why they are there. The idea is to remove them from the play and let them calm down or know that it isn't fun to have a timeout and miss out on things. I also remove toys and put them up high where they can be seen but not touched if they don't share.

All children are different and you have to find out what works best with each child. And consistency and never caving in to them will work.

[gcj]

Kids here are not allowed to hurt themselves or others and may not break things. That covers almost everything. When they are disobeying, they are reminded of the rule, the next time they are told again and that the next time will result in time out and of course the 3rd time it's time out. Time out is in a corner, 1 min/age, followed by a discussion about what they did wrong, why it's wrong and how they must correct their behaviour and an apology to whomever deserves it. However, if it is an ongoing problem, I may skip the 3 chances rule. If it's something serious that they really know better and had only bad intentions, I don't believe they deserve all the warnings.
Honestly, I haven't had to use a whole lot of timeouts lately.

[Dreamalittledream]

Honestly, the only time I've resorted to time out is with my own son (and that seems to be about 10 times a day lately!)...the rest are, in general, very well behaved and easily redirected. And with my son, I've actually had to resort to putting him in one of my booster chairs & 'locking him in' (not really, he can easily get out on his own) with the booster tray & setting the timer. If not, as soon as my head is turned he is off the time out chair.

[Play and Learn]

I rarely give time outs - maybe once a month per child? I try to re-direct before something I know is going to happen if at all possible. 1, 2, 3, then time out. They USUALLY stop doing what is wrong by the time I say 2....

I put them in the same spot each time. For upstairs it's sitting on the kitchen floor (where they can hear their friends play, but can't see them, but I can see the child. In the basement, it's sitting on the bottom step. When we're outside, it's sitting on the bottom step outside by a door.

They usually have to sit there until I'm calm! :laugh: So 2-5 minutes depending on the situation. Again, most things depend on the situation of course.

[Mamma_Mia]

Honestly, the only time I've resorted to time out is with my own son (and that seems to be about 10 times a day lately!)...the rest are, in general, very well behaved and easily redirected. And with my son, I've actually had to resort to putting him in one of my booster chairs & 'locking him in' (not really, he can easily get out on his own) with the booster tray & setting the timer. If not, as soon as my head is turned he is off the time out chair.

Same here! My own daughter is my "issue" LOL TODAY alone she was on the stairs about 6 times! She's tests me to NO end while the others just need a firm "Johnny!" and they know I mean business!

[victoriaB]

kids are kids. We know them to be playful and have a lot of energy. They can sometimes be stubborn and have tantrums but it's normal. I tend to discipline them and give them time to play and have a rest. I make sure they are manageable and understand that not all the time, they can do and have what they want.

[daycarewhisperer]

I don't use time out because it doesn't work. I don't know if it's commonly known that time out is something that was just a theory that a child will settle down if removed away from the adult caregiver. It was popularized by Jo of "Supernanny" fame. She is the one who came up with the concept of a minute of time out for each year of life. Unfortunately we have States in the US who have somehow worked time out into the providers regulations as a kind and gentle way to say no to a child yet not overdicipline them by putting a limit to the time.

A two year old can not reset after poor behavior in two minutes. In fact, limiting the separation to a cuuple of minutes is actually an escalator to children. It means nothing and increases their liklihood of acting out afterwards. Jo also added the system of putting the child in time out, then having a post time out conference retelling the incident and asking the child to say they are sorry. Both of these techniques are also escalators.

It's a system that really is for the adults and feeds into the popular idea that we should praise children and give them a bunch of attention instead of exacting a REAL consequence that matters.

I don't do time out... I do "go to bed". I have a separate nursery and separate older kids sleeping room. If a kid can't make it in the playroom they can go to their respective bed and have the "me" time they need to right themselves. The "go to bed" works great and it doesn't take too long for the child to figure out it's better to be with the group then on their own in bed. They do NOT develop a bad feeling of their bed. They know well enough when they are in the bed to go to bed then when they are in the bed to have their own time and space to get with the program. The idea that using beds to discipline will confuse the child is as silly as the idea that a minute per every year of life will be enough time to right a child's behavior. It's just something someone made up and it caught on because we want to act like we actually DO something when really we aren't doing anything at all.

[fruitloop]

I use a time out method but rarely have to use it. Although, I do NOT use the 1 minute per age thing. They will sit there until either I become calm OR if they are freaking out, they sit until THEY become calm. If that takes 5 minutes, fine but if they are melting down for 20 minutes, they will sit there for that long. A child can not regain composure and reset in only a few minutes (as dcwhisperer said). They need to sit there as long as it takes for them to become normal again. I have used the "go to bed" method before too when it's needed.

[Momof4]

Daycarewhisperer, aren't you afraid that the children will associate sleeping as a punishment if they are put into bed every time they act badly? I always keep all 5 of my children in the same room at the same time, except when one has to run off to the bathroom of course. I wouldn't want them split up all over the house like that.

I do believe that timeouts work because I raised my own 4 wonderful children using that method and it does work at my daycare. It's a learning process for the children and it certainly isn't fun for me. It's exhausting for me when I have to put a child in timeout over and over for a chronic problem but they do learn that it isn't fun for them either.

[Mamma_Mia]

Daycarewhisperer, aren't you afraid that the children will associate sleeping as a punishment if they are put into bed every time they act badly?

My thoughts and feelings exactly

[Momof4]

My thoughts and feelings exactly

Yeah, I know daycarewhisperer explained that she doesn't believe the children experience any bad feelings toward beds as a punishment, but that doesn't make sense to me so I'd like more info. I know for sure that they don't sit on my timeout chair just for fun! They know what it means to sit there for a time out and it is not popular so that's how I know it is a true punishment and that it works.

[treeholm]

My three children are now wonderful adults between the ages of 22 and 31, and I used time outs with them; however, I did not use a certain number of minutes per age, I told them they needed to sit on the chair or bottom of the stairs until they were "ready to be gentle" or "ready to listen to Mommy." That worked very well, because they had to learn to do the emotional work to get ready to return to the group. They quickly learned that if they came back too soon, I would send them back with the admonishment "you are not ready yet."

[Momof4]

I agree treeholm, timeouts are effective, but as I said before you can't use a long time because the children don't remember why they are there, use a very short time and talk to them about what they did wrong as soon as they are calm. My children are between ages 26 and 37 and my grandchildren are between ages 3 and 17 and it's really funny to watch my two daughters who have children use the same method I used with them and it still works.

[daycarewhisperer]

Daycarewhisperer, aren't you afraid that the children will associate sleeping as a punishment if they are put into bed every time they act badly? I always keep all 5 of my children in the same room at the same time, except when one has to run off to the bathroom of course. I wouldn't want them split up all over the house like that.

I do believe that timeouts work because I raised my own 4 wonderful children using that method and it does work at my daycare. It's a learning process for the children and it certainly isn't fun for me. It's exhausting for me when I have to put a child in timeout over and over for a chronic problem but they do learn that it isn't fun for them either.

No kids don't confuse the two. It wouldn't be any different to a child than using a kitchen table to eat or using a kitchen table to do art work. They have the ability to descern the difference at a very young age. The original concept of time out was developed using a crib for the time out. Read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time-out_(parenting)

Staats described the discipline of his 2-year old daughter in 1962: "I would put her in her crib and indicate that she had to stay there until she stopped crying. If we were in a public place [where her behavior was inappropriate], I would pick her up and go outside."[4] This has the effect of weakening the offending behavior so that it occurs less frequently, quickly disappearing unless the behavior has been well learned.

Just like supernanny came up with the minute for each age idea, someone else came up with an idea that kids would be confused by using a time out spot for sleeping and time outs. If you have a good experience with time out then do what works for you.

Before time out was popularized moms just put their kids to bed when they acted up. Been done for hundreds of years. Of course there was also spanking and spanking if they got out of bed without permission. Now with spanking not an option for care providers there needs to be compliance to stay IN bed if you use that technique.

I have the notion that a safe, warm, comfortable place to chill out when our regular programming doesn't work for a child is a good recipe for de-escalation. I've never had to use it on a kid over the age of two because they learn from an early age to be agreeable or go rest. I don't do punishments, talks, reflection, sorry words... or anything like that. If they are fussy or behaving dangerously then they get their own separate area. I use go to bed or go to play yard (I have three six by three play yards). Either one works. I don't even care if they have toys in either location. They can play to their little hearts content, have blankets, or lovies.... I don't care. I just want them separated when they are unable to make it with the other kids. We also fully supervise regardless of whereever they are located.

Soon as they are calm and I feel it is safe to reintegrate then we do a fineagain beginagain. They start over with a clean slate. Sometimes they make it ... sometimes they don't. Rinse and repeat.

[eoinsmom]

My experience has been that you learn what works for each kid. Some kids need a 'time out' and some need a 'time in'. I have one boy who will ask to be put in his playpen for a cool off time to gather himself (2 years old). My son (4 yrs old) freaks out if put in his bed alone for a time out, but is able to calm down and gather sitting in the chair in our living room. The rest of the kids fall into these two basic categories for what works to let them calm and re-center. I also don't do a min for year of age, since I find that doesn't seem to really work. I have the kids stay in their calming area until they are able to tell me that they feel ready to come back and join in. This seems to work wonderfully for us. All the kids (ages 2 to 5 years) are able to understand that they can come back and play when they are calmed down and feeling better. They just sometimes seem to need a break from the excitement of the day to sit, cry, and process their emotions; then they are able to come back and play with a clear mind and better mood. I check in on them while they are sitting wherever they may be (playpen or chair) and ask if they are ready to come back yet. Each kid has consistently been able to tell me when they feel ready emotionally to come back and act appropriately. I have been exposed to a variety of different parenting theories through my work as a child protection frontline worker in Ontario and Alberta, as I had to attend workshops and teach methods to the parents on my caseload. From the different approaches and theories, this is what I have come up with as being effective for the kids in my care - but I wholly believe that you need to assess each child individually to see what works with their personality. I was just turned onto this author http://connectedparenting.c om/ through my other job (I'm an Adoption home assessment writer on weekends) and I enjoyed her approach and thoughts.

[kidlove]

I have a discipline contract and in it states my forms of discipline. I do use time outs, and gage it on each child (usually going with one minute for every year of age) however some kids need more or less depending on the offense or the personality. don't do time outs before the age of 2, and use them only for dangerous or disrespectful situations or continually not following direction. I always have them sit in the same spot, this way they all learn when I say "go to time-out" they go to that spot and plop down. After times out is over I approach them and we talk over what happened and make a plan for next time. Timeouts are quite rare, some kids NEVER need them.

[Crayola kiddies]

My youngest will only have success in a time out if it's in his bed otherwise he has a full on melt down.

[playfelt]

The whole purpose of time out is to give the child forced reflection/composure time. What better place when you think about it but to go lay down and relax and get ready to play again - properly. For many kids being over tired is why they were unable to cope in the first place.

Time out on a chair happened when sending kids to their room became a reward cause they had tv, radio, nintendo, etc. and more toys than the local store.

I tend to use the couch for time outs when used with the idea of it is a comfortable relaxing place and the ideal environment for regaining control and/or the child lays down and rests. Length of time depends on when child is settled and returns to play when they are ready. If I have to send them back to the couch to try again then I decide when they are ready to play again.

[Momof4]

I don't think that those timeouts are necessary in our day to day life. So,I never bought any type of time out accessories. Because we are having watch with us to check time. So, what is the necessary of time outs?
What do you use as a method of disciplining a child so that they learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour?

[kidlove]

Daycarewhisperer: you are doing the exact same thing as "time out" just calling it something else. you are removing the child from the problem, making a clear message of "what you did was not okay", and giving them time to reflect. That is a "time-out" IMO. thats exactly what I do, and it does work....you send a clear message to the child, "I am in charge" and you give them time to think about what they have done.

After a "time-out" I will address the situation with the child, we will talk about the "right" choice, I will encourage them to apolligize to me or who ever they offended, and "back to play"......because they spend time in "time-outs" I see them, stop....think.....an d sometimes change their choice before the same mistake.....other times, they will right their wrong. ex. if they hit someone....they think about it, then quickly say "sorry" give a hug, and I say...."thankyou" for doing whats right. therefor, timeout must work. (if done right) :)

[Momof4]

Yes, I've been seriously thinking about all of this because I do want to give 100% to my business, but I agree with you kidlove, that I want every situation to be dealt with as it happens and move on with our day.

[playfelt]

I think one of the problems in using time out with toddlers is that it is like being punished for something you didn't know in many cases. This is the time when they are learning what is right and what is wrong and what the limits are. When they make a "mistake" it is just as easy to address it and tell them what they did wrong, what they should have done and then make it right. Then just move on and let it go. Not making an issue out of it just using it as a teaching moment. And some kids will need several repeat lessons before they get it.

When I give a time out it is for repeatedly doing the same thing and as mentioned above it is more often than not a child that is just having a bad day for one reason or another and not in the mood to be part of the group. A rest on the couch and life can start over.

[kidlove]

totally agree playfelt, no matter where the time out takes place, thats all its for is to have a chance to rest/reflect and then start over fresh. Timeouts should be used for more of a "major" offense, biting more than once, hitting more than once, not listening to teacher, or hurting others. If you use your judgement well and don't "time-out! time-out! time-out!" all day, pick your nec. offenses and let the "little" things go with a quick "reminder" rather than making a big deal out of it. You are doing right with timeouts. IF you are using them multiple times a day? something is off and you need to reevaluate your process.

[Momof4]

Yes, I agree. First I tell the child to stop, the second time I use my louder voice and the 3rd time I use my very stern loud angry voice and warn them that it is their last chance to stop doing whatever they are doing because the next time will be a time out. Most children will stop misbehaving at the first or second warning.

[kidlove]

Just like any other form of "firm" discipline...if done/used correctly...you should only have to use a time-out once or twice, and after that a quick "do you want a time-out?" and the child will fly right. Same way with spanks....I spanked my kids a few times when younger and now its "do you want a spanking?" and they usually straighten up. You have to give a consequence and ALWAYS follow through. :)

[daycaremum]

"Just like supernanny came up with the minute for each age idea, someone else came up with an idea that kids would be confused by using a time out spot for sleeping and time outs. If you have a good experience with time out then do what works for you." Daycarewhisperer

The minute per year of age was not created by SuperNanny, we have been doing this for years in daycare centres and I graduated with my ECE in 1998.

[Momof4]

Daycaremum, is that what you do? 1 minute per age? My daycare only goes from babies to age 4 as do most daycare centres I would guess so that's not unreasonable I suppose. I only use a timeout for maybe 30 seconds until they have looked me in the eye and acknowedged that they understand what they did wrong. I haven't used a timeout in months except for a couple of times because I don't have any toddlers going through any rough stages right now, they are all playing together wonderfully. I'm always so thankful with a happy group. Well, and then there is the new baby screamer, but that's another story.