I am more bothered than I thought I was!!

[kidlove]

I posted a while back regarding a Mom who didn't inform me she was pregnant until about 6 months. (should have known something was up then) but gave her the benefit of the doubt and held on to her older daughter (I took care of for 3.5 years) after she informed me, her daughter would def stay with me even if the baby went somewhere else (little strange to me, but some people like to save a buck) she was trying to get the baby into a "free" daycare up the road from mine. (a center that was "funded", therefore offered some free spots every year)......then about a week after the baby was born (which I was also not informed of, that too seemed strange) she called to let me know she was giving her 2 week notice due to the fact that she was on mat leave and didn't want to pay the minimum due to keep her daughter in care. (too expensive! she said) I figured "that's fine, but don't expect a spot in the future" that being said, I still have love for this little girl I literally raised her from 6 months, 12 hour days, crawl, walk, potty train, I was her Mom for over 3 years. I was hurt to say the least when Mom called to tell me she wanted to put in two weeks. Didn't realize how hurt though until last night when I saw the little girl with another provider at my daughters basketball game.:huh: I know she had to go somewhere else given she wasn't coming to me anymore and understand that the Mom wants to save money, but......after 3.5 years of love and care I feel like I get thrown to the wayside for some new day care Mommy to love her instead. Just cuz she's cheaper!!!!!! arent kids worth anything to some parents? who tries to save a buck before quality care? I have to add...I know this provider and she is a very unstable person to say the least, just got back together with her second husband, (i was ironically her old nieghbor years back and we still chat when we run into each other, nice lady, but unstable) :) last she said, her husband "went crazy" and she left him, their last house was foreclosed and her ex husband abused her and the kids, they had a "volital" relationship that ended in "death threats on both ends!" and they now have to exchange their kids at the police department because of the hostility that has taken place when custody exchanged each week. THIS is the person that won over me, due to lesser charges.:blink:
How can some parents be so "stupid"? This one will take me a little to get past. Disturbing to say the least!!!! thanks for listening. :)

[Mommy-Jenn]

There's a crazy provider in every bunch. Inmost cases I find they are charging nothing...reason why they get the kids.

[daycaremum]

I feel for you because it is difficult when you've had a child for so long and they switch providers for any reason. We do become fond of the kids, BUT, I would NEVER refer to myself as their daycare mommy! And I would hope you would never refer to yourself that way to any parents or anybody for that matter to whom you are discussing daycare. As a parent, I would not enjoy hearing this term. You are their daycare provider and are important to the kids, but at the end of the day, you are only part of their lives for a short period of time. I have had many daycare kids over the last 14 years, and the reality is that I only care for them till they are 3-4 years old, and they don't remember me when they are older. What do you remember from that age? Yes it sucks, but you have to try not to make it so personal. People like to save money, that's just how it is. Like it or not. It happens to all of us one way or another. They either never come to us in the first place due to price, or life circumstances change or opportunities arise and they go somewhere less expensive. And I can honestly say I don't love or have ever loved any of my daycare children. I really like them and enjoy them, but I don't love them.

[kidlove]

oh wow, daycaremum, I do love my daycare kids and have loved many, I do not seriously consider myself their Mommy, (was just a coined phrase to point out that some kids are with us for such LONG hours we are the ONLY form of a Mom they have all day long) unfortunately this was the case. This Mom dropped off 6:30 and picked up shortly before 6 pm. the child went to bed at 7, sometimes ate frozen veggies in a bowl for supper, and cried when she left my house or even when they drove by my house on a day off...unfortunately I was her "day care Mommy". I would even bathe her because Mom didn't do the night before. :( I don't make a practice of reffering to myself as the Mother of these kids ever, just stating the obvious with this particular child. that being said, I DO love all my day care kids, not the same as my own but I would lay my life down for them, they are wonderful beautiful little creations and I feel blessed to know them all and be able to be a part of their lives. I do this for the true love of the children, the paycheck is an added bonus. :wub:

[mimi]

I had a similar departure after looking after her two children over 5 years. I felt insulted as I knew I deserved more consideration. Of course others will say it is business, she gave her 2 weeks notice so what's the problem. I think the problem is our job is more personal than most. We care for the most important people in these parents lives and try to teach these children good values, we show our caring for them and we teach them what we can. All this deserves more respect than a two week notice and a "see ya" . I have learned to harden my heart to these types of people and just care for their children always prepared for the "notice" On the flip side, I have had the most heartwarming thank you's and good bye's that fill my heart with gratitude and joy and that is why it is so difficult to take the cold good byes. I hope this new provider makes this child feel as cared for and loved as you did.

[sunnydays]

Kidlove...I totally feel your pain. Have a good cry and get it out. I have only been doing daycare for a year and a half, but I recently moved and the two siblings I had had since I opened my daycare almost, did not come with me to the new location. This was totally understandable, but the parents didn't tell me until after the older child's last day with me...and then only because I asked! It hit me really hard too and when I read the email, I had to go into the bathroom and cry...and then I cried on my husband's shoulder. I didn't think it would effect me like that, but I poured my heart and soul into those kids! And yes, you do get attached over time. After that I have vowed to myself not to get so attached and not to go out of my way for anyone...just do my job well, but no extras. It sucks when things like this happen :(

[mimi]

Sunnydays..........h ow horrible for you :no: An email? Especially after a year and a half? Of course you had every right to be upset geez some people :cursing:

[treeholm]

[QUOTE]I feel for you because it is difficult when you've had a child for so long and they switch providers for any reason. We do become fond of the kids, BUT, I would NEVER refer to myself as their daycare mommy! /QUOTE]

Quoting "daycaremum" above...

Don't see how calling yourself daycaremum is any different...

[kidlove]

thankyou sunnydays and Mimi for your ability to understand so well, it feels good just to be heard, that's all i really need right now, that's why I love coming here, my hubby (God love him) always responds with a man comment like..."what do you expect from people like that" or my Mom who says "that's part of the bus. right?" although they are both right, it is the response from the people who KNOW exactly what i am going through and feeling that matters the most right now, it just stinks so much to put all that time a effort into loving caring nurturing and sometimes correcting another little human life to have....."is two weeks notice required for me to pull my daughter out" response, just hurts not matter how you slice it. thanks for understanding, you guys are awsome!!!!!!:D

[Momof4]

Oh wow, you are too sweet! We can care a lot about the children, but for heaven's sake don't LOVE them! Think of yourself as a teacher. There are special teachers in our lives who meant a lot to us and maybe even kept in touch over the years. That is what we can do. Those teachers have the children with them for an entire year and get to know them well. Sometimes we have children with us for many years and we definitely know them well. But we always have to remember that they will be leaving and hopefully coming back to visit a couple of times a year.

I cried and cried the first time I lost a beloved family to a move to another city and I learned my lesson. But they do visit me often and send pictures and I'm going to be able to watch this little one grow up and that makes me very happy. I have that special relationship with a couple of other families who left in the past years too. We softies have to protect our hearts!

[daycaremum]

[QUOTE]I feel for you because it is difficult when you've had a child for so long and they switch providers for any reason. We do become fond of the kids, BUT, I would NEVER refer to myself as their daycare mommy! /QUOTE]

Quoting "daycaremum" above...

Don't see how calling yourself daycaremum is any different...


Well that's just a stupid comment, sorry to be so blunt. That's my screen name. I provide daycare and I am a mother to 2 of my own children, thus, daycare-mum. I don't go around saying or thinking of myself as the mother to any of my daycare children. Like I said, I really like them, but love, no. I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and we are not taught to "love" the children. We are taught to care for them, nurture them, help them achieve milestones, facilitate their play to encourage growth, teach them social skills. Maybe that is the difference here. I am a professional and I do regard this as my job and would not do it if it didn't offer a a paycheque. I have bills to pay, just like my doctor wouldn't heal people if not paid, just like your dentist wouldn't check your teeth if not paid. I'm not a saint, I'm a child care provider.

[daycaremum]

I agree that it is sometimes difficult to see long term clients go, but really, what did you want them to do. They regard us as their childcare provider, not a family member, not a friend. She gave you the notice you required. Be happy when nice family's do give you extra notice or a nice parting gift. But don't be so angry when people simply follow the guidelines that you have set out for them. I assume you have a contract, as this is a business, whether you like it or not.

[treeholm]

[QUOTE]Well that's just a stupid comment, sorry to be so blunt./QUOTE]

No, I did not think your comment was stupid at all, no offense intended. Just ironic, that's all.

[Nottellin']

Like I said, I really like them, but love, no. I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and we are not taught to "love" the children. We are taught to care for them, nurture them, help them achieve milestones, facilitate their play to encourage growth, teach them social skills. Maybe that is the difference here. I am a professional and I do regard this as my job and would not do it if it didn't offer a a paycheque. I have bills to pay, just like my doctor wouldn't heal people if not paid, just like your dentist wouldn't check your teeth if not paid. I'm not a saint, I'm a child care provider.
I agree with you. The paycheck is NOT an added bonus. Most providers, provide care BECAUSE it is a way to have a paycheck and stay home with their own kids.

I think you put it perfectly!

[sunnydays]

I think you can be a professional and still have feelings that can be hurt at times. In any work it happens. It doesn't mean we are not professionals if we get attached to the kids we care for. It just means we are human and have feelings and emotions. Kidlove didn't say she was acting out on her feelings...she just needed a bit of support as she loses a child she half raised for the last 3 years and now may never see again. It is part of our job yes...but that doesn't mean we don't sometimes feel hurt, anger, sadness, etc.

[kidlove]

Daycaremum :Thanks for your honesty, but I do feel differently about my position, as I too feel that I am a professional (doing this job and doing it well for 10 years has made me a professional).. I respect your point of view, but I DO believe that some people are lucky enough to do what they truly love in life, sure some doctors are doctors because they have an interest in science and enjoy the large paycheck, but I also believe there are many doctors out there who have been truly blessed with their abilities and honest to God LOVE healing people and doing what they do. I feel very fortunate to do exactly what I LOVE and get paid for it, doesn't make sense to me that people will pay me to love their children, and that is just what I do, I grow to love these kids, it's part of my job and the blessing of the job all at the same time. :)
I am not angry with this mother at all, I stated that I was bothered by it, and surprised to feel that way, at that. I have had MANY kids and families go, some on good terms some on bad terms, I do appreciate the fact that she gave the required 2 weeks notice, and understand it is part of the JOB and that it is a "job" and a business, but it has also become my life over the past ten years and although I am done after I close every day, I still am left with a mark by each and every child that comes through my door, and feel that people in this job are much more than "teachers". Teaching is a "part" of our job, but it is much more than that to me, it is helping to raise a child, to build a solid character and to help form a life. some last a year, but if you are a good provider the child is with you (to the child ) a lifetime. You are much more to that child than just one of their teachers in life. I can remember 1 teacher my entire school career that I would even come close to comparing to the way I feel about the job we providers provide, and the one thing I remember about that teacher was that he had a true passion for teaching and valued us kids much more than any other teacher I ever had. That's what I want to be to each kid that comes through my door, I want them to have a lasting impression of the love and care I provided for each of them. This is a privilege with a paycheck attached. :)

[kidlove]

Thank you Sunnydays. That is exactly how I feel. My heart is totally in this job and I am proud to admit it. Don't know how I could do this if it wasn't. For years ALL my parents have made comments regarding that same thing, including this Mother, for 3.5 years she told me I was such a big part of their lives and their daughters life and they were so happy to have such a kind and loving person for her to spend her days with. guess that's why I felt a little hurt. that's all. I'll be just fine though, really, not tore up just needed to vent and be understood, thanks so much for having an understanding heart. They are few and far between in this crazy world.:glomp:

[daycaremum]

I'm glad you are so passionate about your work.

[ladyjbug]

I am going to have to agree with Notellin' and daycaremum here.

Kidlove, I get that it is hard to lose a kid you've been with for 3.5 years and maybe you would like to vent about it. I get attached too, probably more so than I should. I have been burned a few times by doing this.

I don't understand why you would write that the paycheck is just a perk. As a professional, the paycheque is NOT a bonus. When you say something like that, it brings the whole profession down a notch, and relegates us to the realm of "just the babysitter". A lot of society already has it in their heads that we don't deserve the money we are paid to be at home working hard, sometimes very long hours to take care of THEIR children. Please do not do further harm by promoting the idea that providers agree that we should not be paid what we're worth; that we would happily do it for free. A lot of us really need and depend on that money. Although I really like my daycare kids, and am hugely invested in our days and their care, I would never do it for free.

I am hoping that is not what you meant to say and just venting talk! I know the message can get skewed when you are feeling upset.

[kidlove]

I wasn't feeling upset and haven't really been upset at all, just bothered by something that has never really bothered me before in the 10 years I have done this. Just stated really how surprised I was that I felt so bothered by such a "normal" part of this job. Kids come and kids go, that is the nature of the beast in Day Care....I guess in the way this child left was what was such a surprise to me.
As far as my comment of the paycheck being a added bonus/perk? My point is that this job is literally a "dream" (to me), yes I do need the money, and in all honesty, would not do this job if there was no money exchanged, I AM worth more than doing it for free, thats for sure. My comment was more in the direction of, quite often I realize I am collecting paychecks to do exactly what I really love doing, loving little ones. It is really a blessing to do what you love and get paid for it, it just seems to good to be true. Some providers although good at what they do, probably do not understand what I mean, because although they like what they do and enjoy staying home with their kids and being able to make money at the same time, also do not do it in the same passion I feel I do. I'm sure to some it is a stepping stone to do whats best for their children and family right now, but can't wait to get back into the "work force" with other adults and get out of the house....not me! I want to do this until I am done working, retire from it. I don't think that makes me less of a professional I think it makes me "true" and "honest" and lucky....I feel lucky to do what I love and get paid.
As I said, I wouldn't do this job if I didn't get paid for it? but I would adopt children, children that need love, and I WOULD do that for free.
I am honestly not here just to stay home or to just make money while raising my own children (those are the perks) I am doing this because I honestly couldn't imagine doing anything else in the world. It's what I was meant to do.

[daycaremum]

Working with children is what I was meant to do. I went to school for this, I have worked both in centre care and have now been self-employed for 13 years. I started home daycare years before I had any children of my own. But I still do not "love" the kids. I didn't "love" the 16 children in my class at the child care centre. I didn't "love" the school agers I worked with. My children's kindergarten teachers never "loved" them. I to look around at times and am happy that I am getting paid for doing a job I enjoy. I can still be passionate about my work and not "love" the children. It's nice that you do, but in my opinion,you are setting yourself up for disappointments, simply due to the nature of the business, as per your original post.

[dodge__driver11]

I am sorry kidlove but we have to agree to disagree on this one....

I LOVE MY JOB, and would not go back to the "working world" unless I was ready, willing and able to do so. I coudn't stand Cooperate Canada for many many reasons, but in the end we care, nuture and assist these children through the early years. WE DO NOT LOVE THEM. The mom and dad's do.

In fact, like daycaremum in my ECE and Educational Assistant training the importance of "staying professional" and not forming attachment was stressed in many different areas of my classroom and practical training. I will tell the kids however that they are special friends to me and I care for them deeply. However I never say I love them..

Not only does it set us up for disaster, but it hurts parents deeply, I know. It used to cut me to the core when my son would say he loved "Jane" at daycare. I cried about it.. And so , ever since then I try to remember that moment when my heart "bleeds."

And let's face it as much as we love our jobs and enjoy these kids, they are our income and we all deserve professional treatment.