New DCG started and all she does is cry

[gramma]

Havent dealt with this for a long long time but new dcg 13 months started with e and she cries constantly. she doesnt nap long but is very clearly tired which just adds fuel to the fire. Monday was brutal, tuesday was better but today is worse than monday. Its already takinga toll on the other kids. I'm seeing aggresive behaviour. I'm assuming its because i'm distracted with dcg and tying to soothe her. She doesnt have any problem with me, actually she's quite comfortable sitting with me. I really like the family and want to make it work but I really havent dealt with anything like this in years and feeling very overwhelmed. DCG was with someone else (family friend) for a month before starting here. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[sunnydays]

I wish I could help, but I am in the same boat! I am one and a half weeks in with a new dcb and he cries all day every day still. I am not sure how much more of this I can take...the other kids are thrown off, I am stressed and exhausted...it's almost impossible to do art, circle time, anything really. Just like you, if I am holding him he is sometimes okay (although not always)...but otherwise he cries ALL day. Today I am at the point of telling the parents that they might be best to start looking into other care options...I will give it one more week, but if there is no progress, I cannot do more...it is just too stressful! I am even dreading the prospect of one more week, but feel it is fair to try. This has never happened to me before either...some crying here and there is normal, but non-stop crying all day to me, shows that the child was totally unprepared for group care. I really like the parents of my crier too and want it to work...but there is only so much I can do! Good luck with yours!

[playfelt]

There has got to be some way to better educate families about what to do for their kids to prepare them for daycare - starting with stop doing it all for them to begin with. I have a now 13 month old that is only now pulling to a stand but won't crawl to you at all. Even when parents come to the door the child just gets up on his knees and rocks back and forth and cries reaching out for someone to come and get him. We are encouraging him on this one and parents of course have to let him do it at my house cause I am in the way of them going to get him and just keep coaxing him to come to the door. He no longer takes a bottle or cup for me and just screams when he sees it but is back to waking in the night twice for a bottle each time. I figure fine at least he is staying hydrated. Both babies still nap 2 hours morning cause they are up half the night.

[gramma]

this dcg is crying with no tears. its crazy, its like she's making herself do it and every oncein awhile she stops and plays and then its like she suddenly remembers she's supposed to be crying and starts again. I have always used the CIO method for sleeping but she is soooooo loud and non stup its driving me nuts. Just reading these boards and looks like we are not alone. I dont understand why a child would cry all day when they are kids around playing and I'm trying non stop to encourage her to join, singing songs, playing music and she chooses to cry instead especially when she was so much better yesterday. She played and laughed and smiled. I dont get it. Best of luck to you as well. I hope things calm down on your end. :)

[sunnydays]

Playfelt, have you ever had to let one go during the trial period? This is the first time this is happening to me and I feel soooo bad about considering it, but I don't think I can take much more of the screaming. I also think the other parents are going to start getting concerned as their kids are enduring this too and they see it at pick-up and drop-off.

[sunnydays]

You should be glad yours plays sometimes...I haven't seen mine play even once...he is too busy crying and crawling after me and clinging to my leg...I have to put him in an excersaucer quite often just to avoid knocking him over when I move around the room! The only time I have seen him even moderately content is on the swing at the park...but even then after some time the crying starts again. And yes, mine cries with no tears too...just non-stop screaming!



this dcg is crying with no tears. its crazy, its like she's making herself do it and every oncein awhile she stops and plays and then its like she suddenly remembers she's supposed to be crying and starts again. I have always used the CIO method for sleeping but she is soooooo loud and non stup its driving me nuts. Just reading these boards and looks like we are not alone. I dont understand why a child would cry all day when they are kids around playing and I'm trying non stop to encourage her to join, singing songs, playing music and she chooses to cry instead especially when she was so much better yesterday. She played and laughed and smiled. I dont get it. Best of luck to you as well. I hope things calm down on your end. :)

[playfelt]

I don't have a trial period. They just start and that is it. I tend to take a firm stand on the crying and even the one year old I have now if I say Z... cut it out in a very firm voice with a glare he will look at me and stop,lol. When it gets nothing from me - very cold hearted here - no patience for something not of my own making - it does seem to pass. In three weeks both babies now go down for naps with less than 5 minutes of tears - I do not go back at all past the third or fourth day. Both came needing cuddles and bottles and rocked to sleep. Now they go for naps and get their bottles when they get up. They are so tired they come before 7 and are in bed before 8:30 so no need for more food by that point.

It is funny for some kids though that there is just something that either clicks or doesn't and they are fine in some situations and not others. Not sure what sets them off but it can be brutal for sure.

I do a lot of putting them in their beds if they are crying regardless of what time of day it is - baby time outs.

Is the child content at all in the highchair or exersaucer or anywhere at all. I do not carry a child around past day one if even that day. They are welcome to crawl after me even into the bathroom with me but they come under their own power not mine. It sounds really mean but for many kids they just have to realize that life is now different and they have to learn to cope. This is where parents play a role in how they react at home too and if parents are giving in then it will take a lot longer than a couple weeks for the child to realize that no matter how much they scream you are not going to.

If it is any consolation the screamers and intense ones once they do settle can be the best because they are so passionate about everything. Maybe that thought will help a little.....

[Crayola kiddies]

I do give instructions to my parents of infants coming into care.... Such as no rocking to sleep, must go to sleep on their own, play on the floor independently, be on a cup and eat independently, I prefer no bottles if possible, and I would like them to be on my napping schedule .

[Dreamalittledream]

Oh ladies I am so in your boat too!!! Oh my head! Trying to wean him not to have to be carried ALL day long. You're so right; it throws off the entire group! But, I see small improvement...now it's about 5 seconds between starting to cry again...yesterday about 2?!?! Baby steps. With mine it seems to be an issue of when all of the other kids are around (I kept him awake a bit longer after the rest went down today and he was crawling around, happily playing...as long as I stayed in one spot, on the floor). Trying the playpen tomorrow...pretty active guy...dunno.

[sunnydays]

My new dcb is actually really really good at going down for nap...it is the only time he doesn't cry ironically! His mom did a good job of getting him ready in that he goes down easily, he feeds himself, drinks from a cup, etc. Plus she got him onto my napping schedule before he started. This afternoon I saw a little glimmer of hope...he actually played a bit with me sitting on the floor near him! The entire last hour of the day he did not cry! And I saw some smiles! Fingers crossed this will continue tomorrow...I had actually typed out an email of warning to his parents, but saved it to drafts, intending to send it tonight. I may hold off and see what tomorrow brings. I am exhausted...time for a glass of wine or a beer ;)

[cfred]

Ugh, I've done this many times as well. And in my last location, which was very rural and out of the way, I never terminate because you just DON'T when you don't know when the next one might come along. Soooo, I developed a few tricks to get through the tougher ones. First, find their 'thing' and do it as much as you need to get through the initial period. So far, with most of my difficult ones, it has been walks. Pack up the stroller and snacks and hit the trail for a good, long walk every (I mean long if that's needed) every day. Sit beside them and do something really fun, different beside them. I learned to never push myself on a child when working in daycare centres. They almost never respond well to that. But doing something peripherally without the pressure on them to interact with you, sometimes works. My big guns, after other things have failed....take the kids out somewhere public....outside of the difficult child's comfort zome. At that point, become the familiar source of comfort. Often times though, I find it's having gthat one awesome moment when you find that one thing that gets a smile...then it just snowballs from there. I've never terminated, like I said, out of necessity due to location. I've had some tough, tough, tough kids, but they ALWAYS come around eventually. They just need patience.

Keep the corkscrew and wine bottle in plain sight for inspiration to get you to the end of the day :)

[gramma]

so here is my update for today. She came in crying and kept going for about 30 minutes or so. then she calmed down and started showing signs of being tired and hadnt slept well through the night so up to bed at 9am. she cried going up the stairs but laid right down and not a peep out of her. She had a full hour nap which was awesome and played fairly well until lunch with only a few crying periods. Lunch was good although she has a bad habit of throwing food on the floor but I think she is realizing that im not tolerating that. After lunch again, we had oubursts of crying but she play fairly well, loved when we had music on loud for dancing and up to bed for nap and again right to sleep with no crying. Sounds good right? she only stayed asleep for 40 minutes and has been yelling for the last hour. I'm a firm believer of letting them CIO and learn to self soothe, she needs more sleep that she allows herself. She's just mad and has a very strong personality so upstairs she will stay until naptime isover. Ive seen improvement for sure especially because she isnt screaming herself to sleep but she has to learn to nap for 2 hours. Its obvious she needs it because after sleeping only an hour yesterday afternoon, she was ready to sleep again before mom came. Had a long chat with mom last night and she wants her to learn to sleep longer and admitted that she'snever had a proper sleep pattern. She's such a sweet person so I'm willing to put in the time as long as she's working with me. I also learned that when at home if DCG woke up early from nap, she would go in a nurse her and she'd go back to sleep. I said thats fine to do if your planning on being a stay home mom but its only going to make her transition here more difficult and she agrees but like so many new moms, is having trouble letting go. Hopefully progress will continue. what i'm really dreading is Monday after 2 days of not being here. Thanks for all the advice ladies, always appreciated.

[sunnydays]

Glad to hear yours is doing a bit better :) I have another new one who is a dream all day and never cries, but also struggles to sleep more than an hour at naptime...I also believe in CIO, so i don't stress...he stays in bed until naptime is over...he will get it eventually! However, my problematic dcb is still crying a lot...although we did have some progress this morning...I was actually able to get him to play on the floor for a little bit without crying...although I had to be sitting right there with him. I am sending out a warning to parents tonight (he won't be here tomorrow) that one more week of this is all I can do...if I don't see significant improvement by the end of next week, I just can't take the stress of it anymore. I have another new child starting on Monday and am dreading having the screamer and the new child (thanfully an older child)...plus we haven't been able to do most of the Halloween activities I had planned for the kids due to the crying (they can't hear me, I can't hear them...stress level rises). I am going to give it everything I've got next week and hope he settles, but I am starting to think maybe he doesn't know how to play on his own in the first place. I have also made suggestions to the parents in that regard. I wish you all the best with naptime! That can take many weeks to get sorted out, but it will if you stay strong!

[playfelt]

Kids coming into care often have no idea to play. They are used to being entertained by the parent. Hand them a toy or worse yet put a pile of 2-3 in front of them and they just look at you. It is really sad when our "lessons" for kids are based on the toy of the day and what it can do.

[michellesmunchkins]

Kids coming into care often have no idea to play. They are used to being entertained by the parent. Hand them a toy or worse yet put a pile of 2-3 in front of them and they just look at you. It is really sad when our "lessons" for kids are based on the toy of the day and what it can do.

This is what I find too. They have no idea how to actually play with a toy because mom/dad/gramma whoever always does the entertaining. I have one little one who literally clings to my leg (she's 2) and just stares at the other kids as if they are doing something alien related. I'm a firm believer in imagination so I DON'T show them what the toys do because then that toy only does that one thing...I let them CHOSE what the toy does so then a toy can become so many different things! Parents need to stop being the entertainment source for their children, makes daycare so much harder...

[gramma]

Enjoy your day today and I hope that mom and dad pay attention to your suggestion and fingers l
crossed that it all works out for you next week. Clearly you are very dedicated so this little boy will be very lucky to have you in his life.

Glad to hear yours is doing a bit etter :) I have another new one who is a dream all day and never cries, but also struggles to sleep more than an hour at naptime...I also believe in CIO, so i don't stress...he stays in bed until naptime is over...he will get it eventually! However, my problematic dcb is still crying a lot...although we did have some progress this morning...I was actually able to get him to play on the floor for a little bit without crying...although I had to be sitting right there with him. I am sending out a warning to parents tonight (he won't be here tomorrow) that one more week of this is all I can do...if I don't see significant improvement by the end of next week, I just can't take the stress of it anymore. I have another new child starting on Monday and am dreading having the screamer and the new child (thanfully an older child)...plus we haven't been able to do most of the Halloween activities I had planned for the kids due to the crying (they can't hear me, I can't hear them...stress level rises). I am going to give it everything I've got next week and hope he settles, but I am starting to think maybe he doesn't know how to play on his own in the first place. I have also made suggestions to the parents in that regard. I wish you all the best with naptime! That can take many weeks to get sorted out, but it will if you stay strong!

[Dreamalittledream]

Today Day 8: Still screaming everytime I put him down! Even sitting at circle/learning time...as soon as I place him on the floor in front of me off my lap...screams! Tried a playpen & exersaucer...screams . Screams for 1 whole hour on average in playpen at naptime (I've just had to resort to letting him cry it out for my sanity)... then naps for 2 hours. I now have a really sore shoulder; can hardly lift my arm (I think more from stress than injury). So, today, I decided to just let him scream. 2 hours, 12 minutes of constant screaming (honestly took every ounce of patience/resolve I possess)....and then 'voila' done...now has been playing for 10 minutes....the first time in 8 days not being attached to my hip....arrgggg. I was so concerned with soothing him, not traumatizing the child...meanwhile making myself and the other children bananas when I should have just left him. Yet another lesson my DCKs have taught me;)

[mom-in-alberta]

Here's hoping it's only better from here on out, Dream!!

[sunnydays]

How's it going Dream and Gramma? Mine is finally settling in although it's one step forward one step back some days. However, as he is actually progressing, I don't think I will let him go. He's a sweet little guy and naps well, just has a hard time playing on his own...but it's improving a lot now! I do NOT carry him around and didn't after the first day or two as my back would have been a wreck like Dream! Sitting next to him on the floor helps a lot...he seems to get the security to start playing...but I don't let him climb onto my lap as that defeats the purpose. Hope you ladies are seeing improvement too!

[Dreamalittledream]

How's it going Dream and Gramma? Mine is finally settling in although it's one step forward one step back some days. However, as he is actually progressing, I don't think I will let him go. He's a sweet little guy and naps well, just has a hard time playing on his own...but it's improving a lot now! I do NOT carry him around and didn't after the first day or two as my back would have been a wreck like Dream! Sitting next to him on the floor helps a lot...he seems to get the security to start playing...but I don't let him climb onto my lap as that defeats the purpose. Hope you ladies are seeing improvement too!
Whew! What a week, huh? Yesterday was definitely better. He did scream when I put him down, but this time only for about 10 min. then went off and happily played. He's finally eating & drinking pretty well (very picky). Naptime is getting better too, a good solid 45 min. Nap...let him CIO for the rest...but even that was an improvement, he was just babbling to himself mostly, instead of screaming. Light at end of a very noisy tunnel;)

[playfelt]

Glad the kids are beginning to settle in. What this goes to show is while our inclination is to comfort the distraught child we are actually doing what we tell parents not to do. When they drop off and child cries we tell them to just go and that will show the child that this is just the way it is now and there is nothing to cry about - they don't have to like the situation they just have to accept it. When we carry them around and try to soothe them in a way we are also telling them that they are not capable of doing it themselves and more importantly that there really is a reason to be so distraught and upset. When the expectations are upgraded to you are fine, you will be fine then in many cases the child becomes fine - not within the hour or week usually but eventually. Children need to be given back ownership of their own happiness as it is intrinsic. I think too we try to comfort and make it all better so that the parents don't get so upset as we are doing it for them and not always for the child. We have to keep telling ourselves that we are not being mean by ignoring the crying we are being enabling - giving the child ownership of their happiness. The great thing is once they do take ownership and settle they are so content with themselves. But it is so hard on frazzled nerves of caregivers, and daycare children to get to that point though. Glad to hear the noise level at your homes is coming down to something more manageable.

[mimi]

I hear you playfelt. My two 16 month dcg's have been with me 21/2 months and still get angry if I leave the playroom to get snack or heaven for bid, go to the washroom. Yesterday, I did an experiment where the girls were left with my sweet dcb's who are 3 in the playroom while I sat on the stairs at first so I was visible but not available to entertain. The girls were really pissed and let me know it for 15 minutes and then their attention turned to what the boys were doing. I sat another 5 min and watched them play and then I went upstairs. The crying started again. After 5 min I went on the stairs and reassured that mimi was getting snack and went upstairs. I got another 8 minutes of hellfire crying and then they stopped and went to play. It really was excrutiating to hear these lovlies be so angry with me, but it was time to learn to play on their own. When I return, it is all big smiles and no evidence of tears so I know it is just anger and not fear. It's a start. :)

[sunnydays]

I hear you...I find most of them get upset when you leave their sight until they have really settled in. I have a 2 year old who freaked out every time I went to the bathroom for about 6 weeks and now he is finally okay with it (he would rattled the door and scream like he was dying). I just always tell them what I am doing before I do it and that I will be right back...I am never gone for more than about 2 minutes at the longest and usually try to use the bathroom when they are strapped into their booster seats so I know they are safe.



I hear you playfelt. My two 16 month dcg's have been with me 21/2 months and still get angry if I leave the playroom to get snack or heaven for bid, go to the washroom. Yesterday, I did an experiment where the girls were left with my sweet dcb's who are 3 in the playroom while I sat on the stairs at first so I was visible but not available to entertain. The girls were really pissed and let me know it for 15 minutes and then their attention turned to what the boys were doing. I sat another 5 min and watched them play and then I went upstairs. The crying started again. After 5 min I went on the stairs and reassured that mimi was getting snack and went upstairs. I got another 8 minutes of hellfire crying and then they stopped and went to play. It really was excrutiating to hear these lovlies be so angry with me, but it was time to learn to play on their own. When I return, it is all big smiles and no evidence of tears so I know it is just anger and not fear. It's a start. :)