Would you tell the parents?

[monkeymama]

my 4yo dcb had a little poop accident today. just got to the bathroom a little late. cleaned himself up and then told me after. this is his first accident since he has been with me and i think it was just that, an accident. however, after he told me, he started to cry and asked what i was gonna do with his dirty underwear. he was insistent that i wash them here and not at home, almost as if he didnt want his parents to know. as i believe this was an isolated incident, and have never had any issues with this boy or his parents, i did wash them. i feel like it would be a breach of trust to tell the parents. question is: would you tell the parents? im not planning on it, unless this becomes more common. just wondering others opinions.

[Crayola kiddies]

Yes I would tell the parents ..... I would explain to the child that you understand that it was an accident and he's not in trouble but you have to let his mom know. Sometimes these accudents are precursors to bigger problems and the parent needs to know this. I would never tell a child that wouldn't inform his parent because it's my responsibility. Also if the parent finds out that you didn't say anything they will wonder what else you haven't told them ..... Honesty is very important. I would never want to give a parent any reason not to trust me.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I know this is going to sound paranoid but I have worked in the field too long and seen to much to not be a little paranoid about the horrors children face ..... teaching children it is ok to keep a 'secret' puts them at risk of being abused by any other adult who will use that 'secret keeping' concept as a way to hide the abuse. I personally would have said 'dude its ok, you had an accident, it is nothing to be ashamed of and we need to tell mommy and daddy because we do not keep secrets at daycare!"

So yes I would discretely tell the parents what happened and explain to them 'he did not want me to tell you cause he seemed concerned he would get in trouble however we do not keep secrets at daycare and communication about things that happen here is important to keep open so I while I washed them to ease his mind about getting in trouble at home ~ just wanted you to be aware'.

My concern also would be what if the parents notice he is different underwear and question the kid ~ and he lies as to why ~ as many children will to avoid the perceived trouble they might get in for the truth ... and now you are dealing with them choosing to believe the kids word over yours 'after the fact' and the LIE of OMISSION is standing between you bending any trust they had toward believing their own kid :(

Or even if you put the clean ones back on thinking no harm no foul they will never know ~ what if the kid decides to say something about you having to wash the underwear afterall and put them back on so mommy and daddy would not find out .... what if the way he explains it does not SOUND good/right to the parent and they get a horrible gut feeling of why or wrong assumption about why that escalates into trouble for you with them accusing you of something ~ which this day in age sadly is quiet common for false accusations to be made on people :(

I just always prefer to be upfront and get ahead of the 8 ball with anything that might get 'twisted' as to what really happened .... so accidents in bathroom or bumps bruises and anything discipline related gets documented and shared with the parents to cover my ass!

[Momof4]

I would have put his underwear into a bag and handed them to the parent and explained that there was a little bit of a messy situation today. I would have explained to the little boy that his Mom wouldn't be mad at him, it was an accident and calmed him down. But I would NOT have washed the underwear or played his little game.

Your contract is with the parents and you care for the little child. Your contract is not with the child and we don't like it when parents don't 'parent' their own child, so don't let yourself fall into any of those games as the HDCP. This is just a little example but you might run into bigger things so it's just a lesson to learn.

[playfelt]

I agree that the parents should be told but it also sounds like the child is afraid of repercussions at home. I probably would have questioned him a little bit about why he thought he needed to hide the fact from his parents - maybe the punishment for an "accident" would be severe. At the same time that probably means he has developed a pattern of laziness at home that is now transferring to daycare too. Hard to know what is going on for both sides but he does need to tell the parent.

[BrightEyes]

I agree with all of the above posts but my first thought was what playfelt said. I would have questioned him a bit....it makes me think maybe he is afraid of a severe punishment.

[Mamma_Mia]

I agree with all of the above posts but my first thought was what playfelt said. I would have questioned him a bit....it makes me think maybe he is afraid of a severe punishment.

I agree. If he doesn't get positive talks about potty training....and always yelled at for having an accident this could be his fear. To get into trouble. I'd be concerned.

Honestly this ONE time I wouldn't tell the parents jsut becuse I want this child to TRUST me and be able to come to me honestly with any issues. If I tell his parents after I already "helped" hide the mess I fell like I'd break his trust. *IF* it happened again then I would consider telling the parents....but it's just a one-off then no I wouldn't.

You've already helped him cover up since you washed his undies.

[apples and bananas]

I would tell the parents, but I would be more likely to send an email as to not bring it up in front of the child. My child is almost 6 and he'll have the odd "didn't make it to the bathroom" moment. He cleans himself up and brings the damaged clothes to the laundry room and tells me.

I would let the parents know that he was concerned about bringing the dirty ones home so you washed them for them. You don't want to mention it in front of him as it seemed like a really sensitive subject to him and no need to upset him further. It was just that... an accident.

At the end of the day, we are not the parents, we are the caregivers. A 4 year old doesn't have rights to privacy. You're commitment is to the parents and it's your responsibility to let them know.

Can you imagion if you didn't tell the parents and the little boy let it slip? They it looks like you're keeping secrets! That's not good.

[monkeymama]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions! What I did end up doing was calling mom that evening and let her know that he had a small accident and was a little nervous about telling them...dcd does most of the pick ups and I didnt feel it was fair to dcb to tell while he was standing there after he asked me not to. yes, i do have a contract with the parents to look after their son. however, this is not a 1yo baby. this is an almost 4.5yo very intelligent little boy. as far as im concerned, having his trust and respect is very important in my job.

[Sandbox Sally]

I haven't read the replies, but in this case, I would not tell the parents. I'd clean his undies and put them back on him. It sounds as if he's scared to let his parents know (I can speculate as to the reason, but I won't). I would make this a trust bond moment for you and this little guy.

If he'd reacted differently, like maybe if he was super embarrassed in front of you, I might mention it to the parents, just because he was upset, but since he seems to find it important that parents don't know, I'd give it a pass. :)

[daycaremum]

You are looking after this 4 year old boy under the payment of his parents. I'm all for telling the parents privately as to not embarrass him, but the parents have a right to know if he has an accident in his pants so they can parent him the way they see fit whether we like their way or not. We do not know what goes on at home, it may be a sign that he has a stomach bug of some sort, but the parents should certainly know, no question about it. They don't need to know about every time out or correction they receive throughout the day, but a potty trained older child having a bm accident is necessary information in my opinion. I'd be ticked if you didn't tell me because my child asked you not to. As a daycare provider I would have done what you did and discretely told the parents and told them he was nervous about telling them. It would not have even been a question in my mind about WHETHER I should tell them.

[Momof4]

I agree with your statement daycaremum that it would not have even been a question for me about telling the parents too, but I definitely wouldn't have done it in a way to embarrass the child. It sounds to me that the child really wants to please his parents but had a little accident, no big deal. If he gets a punishment at home for his accidents maybe that's the parents way of trying to help him train, I don't know. Only the OP and the parents can discuss this together.