Suggestions on how to deal with 3.5yo dcg!

[monkeymama]

I could really use some help on dealing with my 3.5 yo dck. she started with me in august....every single drop off results in tears, and a tantrum...she still carries around a blanket and every time i try to put it away that results in another tantrum...she is very smart little girl, extremely articulate but is clearly spoiled by her parents...im frankly getting frustrated with this behavior...i have 18mo and 2yo dck who dont act like this....her tantrums make getting through activities difficult and it is starting to affect the other children....this week i started considering terming as it doesnt seem to be getting any better....ive never had a child like this before

[Wonderwiper]

Have you had a proper talk with her and her parents about acceptable behavior? If her parents let her act like this at home, she is old enough to know to do this to get what she wants. Maybe it's taking her a long time to realize you will not give in to her!

[sunnydays]

For drop-off time, try having a favourite activity out to distract her. I have two kids, 2 and 3 who recently started with me and were crying etc at drop-off and now every morning I have an acitivity out for the kids at the table...soemtimes playdough, sometimes lacing buttons, sometimes puzzles or pom poms for sorting, etc. Neither of them cries at all anymoer at drop off because they can't wait to get to the table activity ;) As for the other stuff, I am not sure...it may be hard at that age to change behaviour and will definitely take a lot of hard work on your part. Positive reinforcement works best usually...really praise when you see her doing something right...even if it is small "Wow! Great job sharing that book with your friend!" etc. You could also try to make her your helper with the little ones and give her specific jobs to do and then give her tons of positive feedback when she does it. I know my 4 year old thrives on that :)

[Momof4]

I agree that you must talk to the parents and that rules have to be the same at home and daycare or it will NOT work. I tell parents all the time that their children are really clever and know exactly how to get their way from about the age of 9 months. Parents need to learn how to take charge and take their lives and their homes back! So many of them are suffering and saying 'I don't know what to do?' Well, here's the answer: Just take charge.

[monkeymama]

I had a more indepth talk with dcm today....it went ok :S She was very understanding of my point of view and even went as far as to agree with me then did a complete turn around and said shes not good at standing her ground with dcg! ugh....

[Momof4]

That's fantastic, good for you!

[monkeymama]

thanks Momof4! I finally hit my limit this week with her. I decided its not fair to term without atleast trying to make it work...heres hoping....

[Serendipity]

Although the daycare parent admitted that she isn't good at standing her gorund with her child, I would insist that she makes an effort to change things and if she doesn't I would term. I do not tolerate a child's bad behavior when it is a direct result of the parent.

If the child was having trouble due ot her own insecurities and such, I would gladly work with her to feel better about mom leaving and being at child care each day but if the behavior is because mom let's the child have her way and feel she is in charge then mom needs to fix it.

I would set a deadline for improvement and if I saw that nothing changed within that time line, I would term.

[Momof4]

Some children really need the guidance from a person who isn't their parent and will respond better to them. That's been my experience.

Some parents really appreciate the support and guidance to be tougher and stronger with their children and the mantra I learned - Just take charge of your life and your house - that I learned from a good friend who has been a childcare provider for many years is so true. It's really sad when a toddler rules the home instead of the parents. WRONG!!!

Yes, I feel really bad for children who miss their parents and I redirect them to realize how many toys are around them and how they can play with their friends and how we are going out to play or for a walk or to a park and that I have really good hugs too and lots of good food and lots of fun at daycare.

Redirection, keeping busy, a promise of what we are going to do next, asking them to be patient while I cook or clean up with the promise of songs or stories, etc. coming up next works well.

[Dreamalittledream]

For drop-off time, try having a favourite activity out to distract her. I have two kids, 2 and 3 who recently started with me and were crying etc at drop-off and now every morning I have an acitivity out for the kids at the table...soemtimes playdough, sometimes lacing buttons, sometimes puzzles or pom poms for sorting, etc. Neither of them cries at all anymoer at drop off because they can't wait to get to the table activity . Yes! This exact thing worked wonders for my crier (that and persuading Mom to make a quick escape). As for the carrying around the blanket thing...something that worked for me is to start with small increments of time that she will tolerate putting her blanket in it's own special place. Set a timer so she knows as soon as that timer goes off she gets to go and get it. Then increase the times. A lot of work, I know...but it works. Another option is to have it be a battle with parents and not allow blanket in daycare at all.

[Dreamalittledream]

Oh and. As for tantrums...depends on the child. With one I used immediate time-out and that seemed to intensify the tantrums...so I tried completely ignoring her (and giving lots of praise to the rest)....to my surprise the tantrums were gone in about a week. I haven't seen one in months.

[monkeymama]

thanks everyone for the suggestions! i slowly started to wean the blanket today....the morning was horrendous and by afternoon she had calmed down a little...this gives me hope we are on the right path! i do admit i am a little biased on this childs behavior...my daughter is only a few months older and i cant imagine her behaving this immaturely.in my mind, this is behavior associated with toddlers not a girl who will be 4 in a few weeks and starting jk in september. i admit this has clouded my judgement and i am working on it. again i appreciate the suggestions and will be pulling out some activities for her in the morning!

[Monday 2 Friday Mama]

I had a dcg who was just terrible when it came to crying and making a huge scene at drop off, and she would fret all morning. No amount of cuddles/distraction/favourite activities worked. What finally worked for me were two things: 1) The Mom had to get really firm with her daughter about the behaviour being unacceptable ("You don't cry at Miss Laura's " "We don't cry at daycare - that's not fair to the other kids, it makes the babies sad")2) I told this child that if she needed to cry she had to go to her bed and lie down. She could cry there if she needed to, but she was NOT going to cry out in the playroom. It took about two weeks of this "hardcore" approach but the child now gives Mum big hugs and kisses goodbye, and she is a model daycare baby.

[loulou]

I could have written your OP. I had the same issues, tantrum at drop-off, tantrums while out on walks, not-listening to me, spitting pinching and biting me, tantrums at any meal, zero efforts made by parents to potty train, and the blanket. I had numerous chats with the parents and always leave a note in her journal.
I told her parents to stop bringing the blanket which was rough for 2 days but then was completely fine. I told her parents if the spitting, biting, and pinching started they would be called to pick her up and she only had 2 warning before termination. The child never did those things again.
The tantrums never stopped. Which was really getting in the way of our outings. I spoke to the parents numerous times before finally deciding to terminate. Sometimes it is just not a good fit and if the parents aren't willing to make some adjustments at home to help their child settle it's not a good fit.
Do you really think the child is thriving and happy in your daycare environment?

[monkeymama]

loulou, she has good and bad days. today has been a somewhat good day. she is a very bright little girl. i had a conversation with her about choosing to have a good/bad day. this blanket thing just gets to me though. ive never seen a child of this age so co-dependent to it and the parents see it but i dont know....september is fast approaching and i fear how this girl will do in kindergarten, all day every day!

[playfelt]

I have a three year old (just turned in Nov) and she still napped with soother and a blanket from home she brings each day. Back in October when it was chilly as in we didnt' have the heat on yet I told her that it was getting too small to keep her warm enough and she needed to use the same fleece blanket as the other girl. She didn't like it but she lived with it. Then after her birthday since we had been doing the when you turn 3 you will be getting ready to go to school in Sept so she gets that part. I just stopped giving her her soother. She just laid there stunned looking at me. No real tears but took her ages to fall asleep and pretty sure she sucked on the sheet for awhile. But I have just stopped giving it and she now doesn't expect it - been three weeks. They still send it from home and she admits to still having it at home but I explained that nap is a short sleep and she doesn't need it and at home for a long sleep well that is different. Have not said anything to the parents about what I did. This is the same child I moved from a playpen due to length and over 30 pounds when she was 2 1/2 and the dad asked me to put her back because he didnt' think she was sleeping soundly enough being with the others. So did for another month then needed the playpen for a summer fill in baby so just took her out and again never said anything. She got a big girl bed for her third birthday so is learning to sleep in a bed now. The other child I have in care has been on a mat since 18 months and in a bed at home since a couple months after that.