Over reacting?

[latte30]

Good Monday morning everyone!

So... I just stumbled upon something, and am curios how you all would deal/feel regarding a certain situation. I have a dcm who has been with me for the past six months. She is the only mother who brings her child to daycare unbathed and in semi-dirty clothes constantly, is always forgetting to bring wipes and diapers, and has JUST started paying on time. Anyways, that's all besides the point. I just read this morning on a common "mommy forum" that she is in search of used toys because she is planning to run her own daycare at the end of the month. She hasn't mentioned anything to me as of yet. However, she has been asking a lot of question lately relating to my daycare business. I'm kind of annoyed...actually really annoyed that she hasn't been forward with me. I've always been one to help, and have given her many of mine and my 3 year old daughters clothes, toys, etc.. to keep (which all have been in nearly perfect condition) to help her out a bit, and she clearly knows this about me...but I feel that her questions and her actions in general are a bit sneaky. Am I just over reacting? Not sure how to feel, or whether or not I should mention anything to her. Thoughts?...

[apples and bananas]

I would feel the same way. We spend a lot of time, money and energy on other peoples children, it would be nice if we were treated with respect.

She may be concerned that you will stop giving her information or stop caring for her child the same way if she does tell you. What people don't realize about providers is that we, generally, are happy to share ideas and support each other.

If I were you I would maybe ask her. Next time she asks about the daycare maybe I'd say "I love that you're so interested in your childs care, you sould like me when I was getting ready to open my daycare" And see if she gives it up.

[DisneyPrincess]

I have a lot of trouble dealing with sneaky parents myself, I keep the anger inside and it ruins my own health and it ruins how I deal with the children when I feel like they treat me just like a ''thing'' instead of a person. When I try to speak the truth because they are not respecting me or my daycare, I'm afraid to make them mad... One of the most important thing for me is to be paid on time (I have been very firm on that factor though) and if I had a parent that wasn't paying me on time... if it would of been me, that parent would of been out way before six months pass. I just had a parent tell me this morning that they are taking their daughter out of the daycare at the end of january but I think she wasn't suppose to say anything yet... she sort of spilled the bean I guess and she felt uncomfortable. I think parents are afraid that we will replace the children right away and we'll kick them out and they'll be stuck. I think that mother you have is doing the same to you... being sneaky for her own benefit and when she is ready, she'll say ba-bye. Its too bad that she cant communicate the truth to you has it is so much better instead of feeling like we are being stab in the back... don't you think ?! Did she tell you she was taking her child out of daycare at the end of the month ? I would probably ask questions ''around'' the subject and in the end she might just tell you the truth. If it bothers you to the point of not sleeping well at night, then just ask her straight forward (but nicely of course). You need to know if you have to replace the space ?!?!

[kidlove]

I would definately feel a little left out or uninformed, and I would be very bothered by it. I am a very honest person and any people I deal with in life because I am open and honest with them I do appreciate open and honesty in return, however our world does not work that way! i think I would start advertising for sure. and would definately drop a comment regarding her starting up a daycare, I would also however treat the situation with as much kindness as possible and not make too big a deal out of it.."take the high road" it always pays off. But for sake of possible regrets later, I would choose to be very "open" with her regarding the fact that you are fully aware of what she plans, maybe even drop a comment regarding the simple fact that sh e really could have been more open with you, it would have been the right thing to do! She really could have let you know a little sooner so you would have time to fill her childs spot. :(...take it all in stride and wish her luck!

[country girl]

I don't think you need to dance around the subject - just ask her straight out. She posted it on a public forum than you have every right to straight up say "so your opening up a daycare??"
You need to look out for your needs too and it's obvious you are going to have to fill a spot. My guess is when/if she actually opens her daycare, she will have no problems pulling her kid without a second thought to how it effects you and your daycare.

[playfelt]

She may have been planning this even before she actually started her child into care or pretty soon after got the idea. It could also be something more recent and especially if she had any concerns about her current job in terms of it's longevity or conflicts with co-workers.

If you know each other on the mommy forum as in she knows your screen name and vice versa then she is in effect telling you in a passive way. I might be inclined especially if I doesn't know me on the forum to respond to her announcement and ask her some general questions like oh that is interesting what made you decide to do that, how did you go about getting ready, do you have any clients yet etc.

It may be that she has been advertising and now has a client ready to start the end of the month.

For sure I would stop giving any more information or supplies to her till I was able to confront her. The next time she asks about an aspect of the daycare right out ask why do you need to know that. Are you planning to open your own daycare? It is harder for a person to outright lie to a direct question then it is to just avoid telling the truth.

If she does admit remind her what your termination policy is and why it is in place and this would be a good time to show her that the daycare side of things is not all positives and one of the biggest things is that you can't count on a paycheck like she can at her job.

[kidlove]

Good point playfelt, Latte, maybe this would be an interesting point to make to this Mother, ..what she is choosing to do to you right now, is what is bound to happen to her at one point or many in this line of work. I would def say something about her starting the daycare (keep it friendly:)) but also ask her, to please turn the tables and ask her opinion of how she WILL FEEL when a parent decides to do the very same thing her her, that she is choosing to do to you! I am very interested to know how she would respond to that? HMM! ;)

[dodge__driver11]

I had the same thing happen to me with a mom when I first opened..... Madning..... but if I were you if you can I would ask her straight up what he plans are.

[latte30]

Thanks for your input everyone!!:) Playfelt, dcm just joined the forum yesterday. I saw her post on my newsfeed, as existing members are notified of new members/posts, upon logging in to the site. I've decided to ask her tonight when/if she is planning to take her daughter out of daycare. If she asks me why, I'll let her know I saw her post. Of course i will be cordial, and really I have nothing against her starting her own daycare. I just feel that I should have been given a heads up, since i'm almost certain that she has been taking a TON of notes from me and my business for the past six months her daughter has been in my care. And not to mention the fact that I have been so willing to help her anyway I could. Of course this will have no impact on how well I take care of her daughter...I'm just a bit turned off by her actions, and won't be as open with her as I used to be. Luckily I have a family on a wait list....as soon as I get a response from her tonight as to when/if she's leaving, I will contact the other family. Hopefully they are still interested, and I can fill the spot asap. I'll keep you posted.

[bright sparks]

I don't think you need to dance around the subject - just ask her straight out. She posted it on a public forum than you have every right to straight up say "so your opening up a daycare??"
You need to look out for your needs too and it's obvious you are going to have to fill a spot. My guess is when/if she actually opens her daycare, she will have no problems pulling her kid without a second thought to how it effects you and your daycare.

I second that country girl. Oh my goodness far to many people are passive. To call her out and ask her straight wouldn't be rude as long as you use a nice tone and don't be aggressive and confrontational, which I'm sure you wouldn't intentionally be but our body language can be a little off when we feel betrayed or annoyed with someone. Don't go around the houses. How much quicker will you settle your mind if you just ask her outright rather than as country girl said, "dance around it" I wouldn't even wait for her to bring it up. Ask her next time you see her and if she denies it, call her out by say, "Well thats funny because I read your post on a forum saying you were opening a daycare and you have also been asking me a lot of questions recently" I would have a friendly chat with her and dig for information like she has been doing with you and she will most likely cave and tell you and then you can have a proper honest conversation about it.

Good Luck!

[Inspired by Reggio]

If you 110% sure it is HER on the forum cause she used her own name or some other identifying feature like her kids picture than I would definitely approach this directly head on verses being passive.

Something like 'not sure if you are aware but I am also on X forum and so imagine my surprise when I noticed your screen name with little Sally's photo as your avatar. I just wanted to say 'congratulations' as I had no idea you were planning on opening up your own program at the end of the month ~ that is going to be an awesome opportunity for Sally to be home with you.

So in the interest of being 'open' I will let you know I am putting up my own ads to fill her space since I am assuming the long term goal will be to have her with you and so I just wanted to confirm will X date be your last date as you indicated on the forum you are planning on opening for X date or were you hoping to leave Sally in my program a little longer until you got yourself up and running?'

If there is any doubt it is her than I would approach it passively from the 'hey you do not happen to be a member of the X forum do you?' and wait to see if there is a some horror in her eyes that she as been found out and give her that chance to do the RIGHT thing now that she has been caught?

I agree that honesty is always the best policy ... I have no issue helping out and supporting newbies to the industry and have resouces and links and so forth on my website for those considering it ~ there is a shortage of quality childcare in almost every region across Canada so why not support more people to consider this industry with eyes WIDE OPEN by providing information on what to consider before entering it ... I have even opened my program and allowed someone considering home childcare to spend a few days with me in the program to see the good the bad and the ugly of it to determine if it was something they truly could do ... so there would be no 'need' for anyone to not be open with me because I am very open about support myself .... however even with all the openness I have still had people who contacted me 'faking' being a potential client to try to get information from me and I agree it is in poor taste and when they are a provider themselves and have their HOPES RAISED by someone who is pretending to be a client maybe then they will understand that karma is repaying them for having done the same thing to others!

Treat people better than you want to be treated yourself and imagine the world we would create!

[kidlove]

Thats awsome that you have another family waiting, hopefully you can fill the spot with them and no worries as far as income. I just wish more people would concider putting the shoe on the other foot in our world, you know? things would work out so much better, I would feel the same way you do...nothing against the fact that she wants to stay home with her child and start the daycare or work from home in any capacity to be a better Mom. It's nice to see Mom's try that, however, the part that would upset me is just as you have said, the dishonesty, or lack of communication....jus t would be nice to get a heads up when your income will take a direct hit due to others actions, why can't more people understand that and have more care for others? I would be interested to see how she may respond if you point out what she would do or how she would feel if one of her daycare clients did the same to her? call the new family asap and get something lines up, hope all goes well for you! :)

[Serendipity]

I would probably respond to her ad. I would tell her you have some toys and things that you are looking to get rid of and then give her your name and address so she can come pick them up.

Wonder if she would show up?

[Inspired by Reggio]

...Wonder if she would show up?

LOL ... another way to let her get scared enough to do the right thing and fess up!

[Momof4]

I am one who always speaks up and asks questions and don't like wondering and worrying and waiting. I have to get it OUT on the table. If this happened to me my ads would be posted today and I would start interviewing and replace them.

But from your desciption of the poor little dirty child, (how horrible) can you picture the dcMom's house? Eeeeew! Do you really think she's responsible enough to care for other people's children if she can't care for her own child? She won't succeed. That's just the plain truth. However, the sad part is that there are people who WILL leave their children with her.

[latte30]

LOL to Serendipity! :laugh: And Momof4, that was my thought EXACTLY!! Ok...as dcm was putting on her daughters shoes upon pick up tonight, I asked her whether she is planning to take dcg out of daycare. She just looked at me and said yes, she's leaving by the end of the month to stay home and take care of her daughter, and that they have purchased a home and the closing is at the end of this month. I just congratulated her and asked her to have a written notice of leave for me. then She then quickly gathered her things and said thank you, see you tomorrow. :rolleyes: Awkward. :glare:

[BrightEyes]

LOL That's funny that she seemed so "surprised" hehehe

[Inspired by Reggio]

Well glad it is out in the open ~ just such a shame that she did not feel she could be open about it ... buying a new home and starting a business is such an exciting thing cannot imagine not wanting to share that with others and now the whole tone of the end of your relationship is going to be tainted by that dishonesty when you could have been a mentor and resource for her had she just been open and honest from the start :(

[kidlove]

So glad you asked her outright, too bad she couldn't have told you outright from the beginning. At least it's out now, and good for you for taking the high road, always a better choice. :) Now have you called the other family yet?

[latte30]

So true Reggio. I wouldn't have had an issue with giving her further advice/helping hand... although at this point, i'm pretty sure she's gotten more than enough ideas already.
Thanks kidlove! Yes, I sent out an email last night to the other family, and they are coming by tonight with their deposit. :thumbsup: All is well again...for now, lol.

[angelina]

it would be nice to honestly ask her " so, you will open a daycare soon?"

i might not be able to ask it right away, but like you - i would feel hurt.

[daycarewhisperer]

The thing you have to keep in mind is that we have entered a proffession where it takes us and others precious little time and resources to start up. You can ask for advice for free from current providers and have toys and equipment given to you for free.

In my state you can open shop with next to nothing. The minimum standards are minimum. You don't have to even have first aid and cpr until you have three months under your belt. You don't even have to prove that until the second year. You don't have to have a high school diploma or any training whatsoever. You don't have to undergo an inspection. You can be unregistered and not even have a criminal check or child abuse check. It's perfectly legal to open up with nothing more than a parent who will take you up on it.

I choose to operate a business where my competitors needed nothing to get started. When the cost of start up is next to zero and the business plan is just words from one person to another... you are going to have competition come knocking at your door and you are going to run into clients who get the idea that it's for them. Whatever they pay you or the state pays you for them... they multiply it by the number of kids you have and think: "I can make 150 a week times 6 kids". That's all it takes to convince some newbie providers to open shop.

I would just congratualate her for her new business venture and tell her it is the worlds greatest job and it's SUPER easy. Tell her she's going to make a killing and she will do great. Just let you know what day is her kids last day and wish her well. Do NOT offer to be her mentor. She knows now she can get a ton of free.... you don't want to be expected to give her free once the reality of this comes strolling thru her door.

Nothing you say or do will convince her to do or not do this so just stay out of it.... give her your blessing and once the kid leaves stay OUT of it.