DCD making me scratch my head

[Spixie33]

I have a daycare father who is sort of an interesting fellow. He seems pretty quiet and not very socialized for the most part but he is very nice.

When he first started he would sit in the hallway and prolong drop offs and pick ups which was strange but I figured he just didn't know how it all worked so I tried to give short answers and hint towards the door.

This parent lives only a few houses down and last week he drops off, takes off his shoes and says he will take his daughter to the potty one more time just to be sure she is ready for her day. Um....you just left your house a moment ago and couldn't have used the potty one more time at your own home? The girl didn't give any indication she has to go. I figured maybe he just wants to come into the powder room and see how clean it is because he has made comments about cleaning at home and how he went to some other person's immaculate house etc so I figure maybe he just likes to see how clean it is??

Then Monday I was closed for the day. His daughter was scheduled to attend Monday and Tuesday. He calls me at 7:30 on my day off (monday) and says that he knows that his daughter isn't attending daycare that day but he just wanted to let me know that he will drop her off after our school drop off. This would be good information to have if it wasn't the exact same thing he told me every week and always did. I already know that he plans to drop off after the school run so why call me on a day where I am closed just to tell me that? He could have at least called in the evening before - not a full 24 hours prior.:blink::blink:

This father will tell me at pickup about what drop off time he has for the following day and then still call me in the morning to relay the same info again.

I am not sure what to make of him. Is he that anxious to speak to me? lol My husband is kind of rolling his eyes and telling me to keep an eye on daddy. I am just starting to find it all kind of weird. He is married happily to the mother of their daughter so not sure why all this overzealous contact. He is lingering and contacting me more than any of my other daycare parents ever do.

Guess I am just musing out loud....but is this normal, am I the only one who seems to have an odd father in the bunch ??:p

[jazmic]

Weird! So did you allow him to drop her off on your closed day? I would definitely minimize contact with this one. He wants to take her potty? No, you can do that. He wants to call and tell you drop off times? Let the call go to the answering machine and e-mail dcm confirmation that you got their message. Just thinking about it creeps me out.

[Spixie33]

No he didn't drop her off on my day off but called to acknowledge that it was my day off and that I was closed...the left an awkward pause as though I should fill on what I was doing that day and then (when I didn't oblige because it is none of his beeswax what I was doing on Monday) proceeded to confirm what time he would drop off the following day (tuesday) even though I already knew the plan and he didn't tell me any new info. Calling me 24 hours in advance to confirm drop off for the next day.:huh:

[Momof4]

Hmmmm, weird. Time to make this guy know that your relationship is strictly business? Or have your husband present whenever possible. Sounds kinda scary to me.

[Spixie33]

The way their house is positioned vs ours would make it practical for them to enter our street from the north side and not have to drive by my house but on many occasions (on days where his daughter does not attend because she is a 3 day part timer) he comes the longer way from the south to drive by my house and wave or honk and I sometimes get the feeling he is doing it on purpose to see if I am out or what I am doing.

I can't even make this stuff up. lol I am just not sure what to make of this guy and his actions and he has been in the daycare over a year now and instead of getting more comfortable - things seem more peculiar with time.

Maybe he is trying to catch me doing something wrong or wants to be friendly or else he is just having the wrong idea. Something just doesn't sit right with me every time we interact and I am so relieved on the days where it is the mother doing drop offs and pick ups. We go long stretches of it being only mom and then their schedules change and BAM! There is the dad for a few weeks. Ahhhhh :)

Well...glad to hear I am not totally crazy to think something seems fishy

[jazmic]

He totally likes you! :laugh: Oh my gosh! I seriously think he has a crush on you. His poor wife.

[Bookworm]

Maybe he is just very socially awkward (as you said) and doesn't get that what he is doing is weird??? Could you make a joke about it to the mom about his calling to confirm stuff that is already confirmed? Maybe she could enlighten you?
Whatever the reason, it is weird.

[daycarewhisperer]

First, you should always trust your gut instinct. Your alarm bells are going off for a reason.

I have had this situation before but with my dc dads and my staff assistants. This is from one of my blogs "The Daycare Home Staff Assistant Part 4Home » The Daycare Home Staff Assistant Part 4



In my eighteen years of doing home care with helpers I have had an instances where one of my day care parents became infatuated with my employee and one where my employee became infatuated with one of my clients. Both situations ended with me loosing the children of these clients.

When an attraction is happening it can be very insidious and difficult to quell. By the time it gets to the point where either the parent or staff make a move to begin a relationship the damage is done and it’s often not reparable. This can happen with both married and unmarried staff and parents. In my situations both the day care parents and both the staff assistants were married. The sum total for me was just loosing daycare kids because of something that had nothing to do with my business."

I have also had a situation where my neighbor who has a driveway a few feet away from my driveway became infatuated with one of my dc Moms. He started by bringing her up in coversations and eventually he figured out her schedule and started magically appearing at the passenger side of his truck when she was loading the baby in her car on the drivers side of her car. He would engage her in coversations where she couldn't politely get away. She was a sweetie so she was really nice to him. That made it worse. I finally had to confront him and we had a war for a couple of weeks. Eventually it all settled down but I knew he wouldn't stop until I put a stop to it.

What this dude is doing is "doing" you. He's got you on his mind and he is working within what IS publicly acceptable and getting his you on within those times. He lives near you so he CAN drive by even though he doesn't need to. You work with his kid so he CAN hang out when he wants. He pays you money so he CAN go thru what you have in common and bring it up to HAVE something to do you with.

Here's the deal... eventually he WILL cross the line. He'll cross the line during something that is just below the line and then take it just above the line. He's doing tester deals now trying to see where your line is.

If you draw the line and decrease his availability to DO you you will most likely loose the kid. Once he knows you are on to him and say no to it he will pull the kid and move his fixation elsewhere.

I can say that every time this attraction thing has happened in my business with the exception of my neighbor who died a few months later... I have lost the kid who we have in common. When my staff assistant became infatuated with a parent I lost the kid and her. When a parent became infatuated with my staff assistant I lost the kid. So be prepared to loose the kid.

You will decide how far you will let him go. One of the biggest advices I can give is don't do joking no's to him. If you start joking around with him about it he will like it. Don't say stuff like "wow if you weren't married and I weren't married I would think you had a crush on me" (not that you would say exactly that but any joking at all about the situation will ENCOURAGE it not discourage it.)

He's playing on your weakness now because he's got you got. He knows you want the money and he wants to "do" you. By saying "do" I don't mean the act... I mean the fixation of you. It's a long game of cat and mouse to do what he's doing over time... The thrill is in the chase... not the apprehension. Once he KNOWS you know his gig and say no to it he will move on with his kid.

[mimi]

Remember in high school if you liked a boy you would find ways to be around him so he would notice you? This is the same thing, except he is a grown married man and it is not as innocent as that. The call on your day off was a major red flag that he wants something from you and he is just waiting for your go ahead signal. This could be a harmless attraction but be on your guard. He comes into your home. :no:

[Mamma_Mia]

I think he is just like you said....scocially ackward

[Spixie33]

He is socially awkward so I am on the fence whether this is just him trying to be friendly in his awkward way or something more. Either way it is uncomfortable. My husband has been telling me for months already that he seems a little weird and to be wary of him.

Calling me on a day when he knew I was closed was also a big red flag to me. How did he know I wasn't sleeping in and really I don't mind dealing with daycare matters in the evening or via email but getting a call like that on a closed day was just very strange.

All the little things on their own amount to nothing but when I add them all up it is just odd. The calls, the drive-bys which make no sense and then how he talks to me so much when it is him and I but he goes mute when his wife is there too.....all of it is just weird.

Even a few times he picks up and I have other children around so he has a seat in the hallway and I try to get his daughter to the door and ready. Then the father is like "Oh let her play for another minute - there is no rush" and I am like "WTH? Get out of the house - I have work to do with the other kids and this is not a playdate" but I just stand there twiddling my thumbs until dad decides enough is enough.

Even last week his daughter was a little sick and I was asking about her and he goes into a 5 minute convo about his own health and how he had to go to the doctor for treatment because his cold was much worse than the daughter's. Um....I was asking about the girl..... It is not my job or concern how his health is. He is a grown up who can look after himself. It was as though he was looking for sympathy.

:blink:

I was thinking whether to say something to the wife about how very conscientious dad is about confirming drops off and make a light joke about how he is very thorough on planning but I don't want to cause any issues or awkwardness with mom or expand on it so I think I am just going to stay quiet and sit back and watch what is up with this situation

[daycarewhisperer]

He is socially awkward so I am on the fence whether this is just him trying to be friendly in his awkward way or something more. Either way it is uncomfortable. My husband has been telling me for months already that he seems a little weird and to be wary of him.

Calling me on a day when he knew I was closed was also a big red flag to me. How did he know I wasn't sleeping in and really I don't mind dealing with daycare matters in the evening or via email but getting a call like that on a closed day was just very strange.

All the little things on their own amount to nothing but when I add them all up it is just odd. The calls, the drive-bys which make no sense and then how he talks to me so much when it is him and I but he goes mute when his wife is there too.....all of it is just weird.

Even a few times he picks up and I have other children around so he has a seat in the hallway and I try to get his daughter to the door and ready. Then the father is like "Oh let her play for another minute - there is no rush" and I am like "WTH? Get out of the house - I have work to do with the other kids and this is not a playdate" but I just stand there twiddling my thumbs until dad decides enough is enough.

Even last week his daughter was a little sick and I was asking about her and he goes into a 5 minute convo about his own health and how he had to go to the doctor for treatment because his cold was much worse than the daughter's. Um....I was asking about the girl..... It is not my job or concern how his health is. He is a grown up who can look after himself. It was as though he was looking for sympathy.

:blink:

I was thinking whether to say something to the wife about how very conscientious dad is about confirming drops off and make a light joke about how he is very thorough on planning but I don't want to cause any issues or awkwardness with mom or expand on it so I think I am just going to stay quiet and sit back and watch what is up with this situation

If it were social awkwardness he wouldn't have a behavioral change with his wife there.

It's actually VERY aggressive not awkward. He's got you and he knows it. He's done some tester behaviors to see what you will put up with and so far he's inch by inch gotten exactly what he wants. He's got you backed into the corner to accept his behavior cuz he knows you are just waiting for the one moment when he does something so blatant it can't be denied or hedge. He's just cruising the waters to find out exactly what that is.

He's not going to stop. Keep your doors LOCKED and do NOT allow him to hang out after pick up. When he says it's no rush he's FORCING you to DO him... He's using the money relationship you have to make you do time with him you don't want to do. He's a full grown adult and he should SEE your awkwardness and hesitation. He sees it and says no to it.

I've counselled providers who have had DCD's acting this way and found themselves alone in the house with the Dad when he came in thru an unlocked door. The providers didn't realize the dad was there and didn't know how long the dad had been standing there. In all situations the dads LOVED the surprise uncomfortable reaction.

I've also heard of Dad's walking around the property looking for a provider... going into garages... showing up at the park... etc. You and your husband both know this dude is being weird. Don't allow the money you have between you let this go any further.

Be FIRM and do NOT joke with either mom or dad with this. The Mom most likely has been thru his fixations before many times on many levels so her reaction to this will most likely not be what you will think it will be. Very often these types of DCD's have the Moms by the balls too because of money.

Start openly shunning his behavior. If he asks to stay say NO... I can't do play dates after child care. If he's cruising the neighborhood to see you tell him you saw him. If he texts you or forces you to repeatedly talk about what he actually CAN talk to you about point out to him that you have already discussed it and you don't have to again. Start calling him on this stuff... firmly and with NO joke.

[Serendipity]

Before I read the entire thread I was already thinking EXACTLY what daycarewhisperer posted.

I see tons of red flags with this DCD and I personally would put a stop to behavior that is out of the ordinary. I would set some really firm boundaries and still be a bit leary about this guy.

Something just feels "off" about him.

[mimi]

Remember Ted Bundy? Seriously, even Ann Rule the true crime writer who worked beside him didn't have a clue he was a serial killer. She said everybody loved the guy. This is an exaggeration for your situation, but I would be on my extreme guard with him. I asked my husband to read your post and he said he definitely wants something from her and it's not a cup of sugar. :unsure:

[JennJubie]

I also asked my husband to read your post, and he said that something was definitely wrong there. My husband is NOT easily shaken, and what you described creeped him out.