Tattling/telling on each other

[MonkeyPrincess]

My 5 year old son and 4 year old DCB are always telling on each other and i am so sick of it. I have tried telling them to stop, telling them i don't want to hear it, telling them to work it out themselves and trying to turn the tables on the tattler and asking how they would like it if the other ratted them out (but they don't care because they tell on each other LOL). I would like to know what you have successfully done with your tattling DCK's. My son has never been this way with any other DCK, just this one.

[playfelt]

If the tattling is just for the sake of tattling and not related to any safety or health issues - I like it when my big kits rat on the toddlers for climbing on things they aren't supposed to, etc. But if it is something that you don't plan to deal with anyways then I have heard of people putting up a mirror and pasting a picture on it and telling the child to go tell Big Bird. The noveltly wears off as does the not getting a reaction can sometimes curb the urge or turn it into a game for the two kids but at least you no longer have to deal with it. Let them know the only kind of issues you will deal with such as safety and the rest they have to work out between themselves and big bird.

[daycarewhisperer]

I have the tattler tell the youngest walker in my group. That child is the complaint department. The little one LOVES the attention and the tattler gets to vent away.

I've heard of other providers putting up a picture of Obama and saying "go tell the president". I like that one too.

[Momof4]

Oooh daycarewhisperer, that doesn't sound like a good idea to me, sorry, you're not addressing the problem at all.

Lilywildcat, I agree with playfelt that it's good if the tattlers point out something that should be taken care of right away with the smaller children. We're very busy and can't see everything all the time. However, I had the worst tattletale girl in care and went through this problem for over 3 years and I swear, I almost lost my mind. I know how you feel right now.

I was constantly doing what you are doing and asking her to talk to her friend about whatever upset her and not to tell me. Unfortunately, I had to listen to the nonstop tattling all day all the time to assess whether it was something important or nothing to do with me.

Then I worked hard with this little girl telling her I was helping her solve her problems and be a good friend. That's what we are trying to do with the children, helping them brainstorm to solve problems for themselves. It's a tool they need all their lives.

We have to remember to breathe and control our frustration and keep working at it over and over for the sake of the children. They are learning a valuable life lesson and good habits and manners and problem solving all rolled into one. Be consistent and pat yourself on the back at the end of the day for not losing your mind!!! Trust me, I've had that child here!

So it sounds like you're already doing the right thing you just need reinforcement and support to keep going and that's what we're here for. Vent away!

[apples and bananas]

I will often bring them together and ask them to explain both sides of the argument. Then I ask them how they should solve their problem. I always offer suggestions at first. But eventually they start to just give me all the right answers. I will say "what did you do to solve the probloem" "did you let jimmy know you didn't like what he did" "did you let johnny know it was not safe" Often they just run to tell and don't use their words first.

This has 2 effects on the problem. 1. they learn how to solve their own problems and 2. they get really tired of me going on and on about it when they really just want the other one to get in trou ble.

[sunnydays]

I like Apples and Bananas approach. I do think if we just ignore or basically tell them we don't care, it is sending the wrong message. While who took what toy from whom, may not seem important to us and it is annoying to hear, it IS important to a 3 or 4 year old and they are telling us because they don't know what to do about it. We have to teach them how to solve these problems on their own...not teach them that nobody cares and how they feel doesn't matter. I will also ask a child to go and tell the other child what they don't like and why and ask the child for what they need (for example, "I was playing with that toy and you took it. That makes me sad. Please give it back.)...depends on the age how elebarate, but they need to learn how to talk to each other first before immediately running to tattle.

[playfelt]

I think we also have to identify what we mean by tattling too. If the child is coming to tell something that actually happened and is an issue that needs solving that is one thing and yes it is a time to educate both children on how to handle these situations and coming to you as a last resort not a first resort.

The problem tattling is when it is just for the sake of either getting the other child in trouble, finding a way to engage the adult - as in when the adult is busy with another child. I understand that it is a child's way of putting everything into perspective but ignoring them sometimes when it is not critical is also a way of helping them to sort out what is an emergency/problem and what is not.

Tattlers lack the ability to handle life in general and so complaints of he hit me or she touched me - even if they just brushed by too closely are all things that the child needs to deal with, not the adult. We can't make things like that better. By ignoring those kinds of complaints we do tell the child that they are not important issues and that is the goal of the ignoring. The child learns that they can't complain about every little thing that pops into their head and learns to control their negataive reactions to everything.

It is very important to read the Little Boy that Cried Wolf story with tattlers and talk to them about the lessons of the story. When do they need to handle the issue and when do they need to come for help and what criteria do they need to use to judge the difference.

[daycarewhisperer]

Oooh daycarewhisperer, that doesn't sound like a good idea to me, sorry, you're not addressing the problem at all.

Lilywildcat, I agree with playfelt that it's good if the tattlers point out something that should be taken care of right away with the smaller children. We're very busy and can't see everything all the time. However, I had the worst tattletale girl in care and went through this problem for over 3 years and I swear, I almost lost my mind. I know how you feel right now.

When they are tattling there IS no problem. I don't address non problems.

My method insures that I never have to endure a child who tattles for THREE years. Mine figure out within a few days that it doesn't pay to tattle.

If they rat out their friend for an offense we thank them. When they tattle we turf them over to the youngest walker in the room who DIGS being talked to by the biggins. It only takes a few times for them to figure out what they get the thanks for and what gets turfed over to the thirteen month old.

We sort tattles that way so they SEE what we value and don't value. Simlple.... easy.... no talk necessary..... just a thanks or a "go tell Johnny". Takes seconds and we are movin on to something else. Way quicker than three years.

[Momof4]

Well, I take my job very seriously as a teacher and caregiver and I want the children to learn life lessons from me, so I don't just tell them to go away from me without helping them, so I still disagree. It's very important to me to start these children on a good road in life with proper habits and empathy for others and manners so I work WITH the children and don't just tell them to leave me alone. I still don't see how it helps a child with your method. So once again we should agree to disagree I suppose. There's a lot of that happening on this forum this week!

[daycarewhisperer]

Well, I take my job very seriously as a teacher and caregiver and I want the children to learn life lessons from me, so I don't just tell them to go away from me without helping them, so I still disagree. It's very important to me to start these children on a good road in life with proper habits and empathy for others and manners so I work WITH the children and don't just tell them to leave me alone. I still don't see how it helps a child with your method. So once again we should agree to disagree I suppose. There's a lot of that happening on this forum this week!

I think it comes to that we have different jobs. I'm a babysitter. I'm not a teacher. I'm not in the business of addressing every possible life lesson with the kids. I don't want to help them with tattling etiquitte. (sp?).

I also have a full time staff assistant and a ratio of one adult to four kids. There isn't much that goes on that goes on beyond a few feet from an adult when the kids are up and playing. The chances of them seeing something that we didn't see is low... not impossible... but low. When you are doing the level of supervision we do here they don't have much opportunity to act out with each other without the pre-behaviors getting nipped before the big behaviors happen. We do close/proximal direct visual supervision at ALL times when the kids are free playing.

This kind of supervision quashes most behaviors that would be tattle worthy. So a kid in my home would just be enlisting an adult for one to one attention with a constant barrage or narative of what the other kids were doing. We don't have to spend much time vetting something out because whatever happens happens within our line of supervision.

When the little injustices occur they are quickly seen and corrected. I don't allow a child to monopolize an adult by insisting that the adult interact with them. We give equal attention to everyone and the kids must accept their portion. Tattling (engaging an adult) eventually draws from the attention pool for the other kids. I am not in the business of petting an unstable mind. I have confidence that how I'm supervising and correcting is fair and complete.

I like things to be lighthearted and easy going. If a kid tattles and it's really of no consequence I want to move on quickly and get the kid back to "go play toys". I don't want their time and energy going to engaging an adult when they could be building a castle, doing a puzzle, or rolling a car. Playing WITH toys and each other is the number one activity here. Tattling is an activity that is very very low on my scope so it gets a very very low amount of adult in response.

[Momof4]

Ok, well there's the difference. I'm NOT a babysitter. I'm a Home Daycare Provider and a Teacher and I take my job seriously and it's me and 5 children at a time and they are getting quality, amazing care from me and I'm extremely proud of it and so are the parents in my care.

You're running a large scale operation and you're in it for the money and that's great for you. I'm in it for a living and also to start children off on the right path in life.

[daycarewhisperer]

Ok, well there's the difference. I'm NOT a babysitter. I'm a Home Daycare Provider and a Teacher and I take my job seriously and it's me and 5 children at a time and they are getting quality, amazing care from me and I'm extremely proud of it and so are the parents in my care.

You're running a large scale operation and you're in it for the money and that's great for you. I'm in it for a living and also to start children off on the right path in life.

I'm a babysitter and have eight children with a full time staff assistant. I don't have a large scale operation but I definitely am in it for the money. I got to feed the blue eyed son and support myself.

I'm NOT a teacher but I do give high quality and amazing care. My kids do extremely well in school and I have long term clients. I'm in my twentieth year of doing home child. That's a LONG time of being successful doing the wrong thing. :)

I do not believe it is my place to teach children about tattling. I'll leave that to their parents. Here, I want children to enjoy each other and play toys. I don't want them to spend any of their time here learning about when to tattle and how they feel about tattling. They have their entire school life to sort that out. From birth to five they can just follow my lead and focus on entertaining themself and playing with the other kids. When they get off to school their licensed educated teacher can take that on. She/he will be educated to steer them in the right direction. I don't have an education or interest in this part of their early childhood "education". I'll leave that to the professionals like you.

[Serendipity]

I agree with daycarewhisperer. I think way too much focus and attention is placed on things our parents never even gave a second thought to. I think that if we give this much attention and time to tattling, we are setting the kids up to think tattling IS a big deal when really it is nothing more than a bid for attention and not a cue for a need. Children who are tattling, are seeking out atttention for something they think is wrong or amiss. I will allow a child to tell me when someone else is hurt or in danger but if they tell me so and so took their toy or said something they didn't like, I too will just say "Thanks for letting me know, now go play." 99.9% of the time kids who tattle are simply looking for validation and not necessarily any action on my part. I thank them and let them figure it out.

I too have a very closely supervised group so most the time I KNOW no one is coming to tell me someone hit someone or hurt another child as I would see that immediately and don't need a 3 yr old to come tell me that. If all they are looking for is validation, I give them that. The skills to figure it out amongst themselves is something I cannot facilitate. That is something they HAVE to learn to figure out on their own just like everyone else did during childhood. If I walk them through the entire process every time, they never learn to do it themselves and then we end up with a bunch of kids who can't take the initive and figure out how to manage things on their own.
I give kids massive amounts of attention for doing positive things and tattling is not one of those things I ever want them to believe is a positive social behavior because it simply isn't.

I like the idea of having the tattler go tell a younger kid. Many many early childhood centers in my community use a talking turtle or a giant paper ear on the wall and encourage kids to tattle to the turtle or the ear. I would think it has the same learning concept as telling the youngest kid.

[daycarewhisperer]

One thing too. As serendipity and myself have staff assistants... the truth is that having a child who does what previous poster described ... three years of dealing with it and driving the adult crazy... would be very expensive to administer and would cause the helper to leave.

I couldn't afford to do that kind of education for a three year old. It would cost me too much in staff time and it would most likely cause my assistant to move on. I have to vet out stuff like this that is a huge draw to the adult time because I'm actually paying someone for it. When my worker is here I don't want to devote our cash resources to something we can manage for free by having the child go tell the youngest walker. The youngest walker doesn't receive salary.

I think we just make way too much of our role with kids and how important every little aspect of childhood is. We don't have to serve EVERYTHING about the child. We are not charged to teach them EVERYTHING. The beauty of self employment is that we get to pick and choose where we divest our time and resources. If we don't want to take on THIS aspect of childhood or "education" we can say no to it.

[Skysue]

Not to be rude but give me a break ladies we are all in it for the money! This is our profession, it's how we make a living. If we weren't on this forum then it would mean we only care about the money.

Tattling drives me crazy and mostly because my tattler is my own daughter. LOL She really does have to learn to use her words and try and deal with the situation on her own. Too many people bubble rap kids these days and don't let them problem solve on there own plus why do we need to engage everything they do?

I tell my daughter that tattling is not nice and she needs to use her words and address the situation on her own. Then I drop the situation, and yes if she is coming to me to tell me that little Johnny is on the coffee table again you can bet I'm saying thank you.

They need to know that coming to us to talk about things is important but they also need to know what's important vs what's not really a big deal.

Being a great teacher cannot be taught or learned it is core values and character.

I don't have a piece of paper that says I'm a teacher but I am and I'm proud to say I'm really good at what I do. All of us are and don't ever let anyone say different because they have a piece of paper. PLUS we are all daycare providers, period.