Dealing with temper tantrums

[godsgirl]

Hey Ladies! (this may be a long one)
Just wondering if any of you have had to deal with my 4 yr old dcb. He has the worst temper tantrums!! And they are over the stupidest things!! He loses it if I make him share a toy, put him in time out, if someone is in 'his seat', if I make him walk beside me because he's doddling too much, etc. It's really hit or miss though. Where one day he is pouty about something and the next he goes ballistic. He has never hurt himself or anybody but he basically just throws himself and screams/cries/whales at the top of his lungs. What I have normally done is set him off by himself (if he's not on timeout) and then tell him when he's done having his moment then he can come play with the rest of us. If he's on timeout I simply remind him that his time doesn't start until he's finished his outburst and quite often I'll ask him something on the lines of 'do you think that this behavior is going to get you what you want?' where through his fit he'll say 'no'. If we are on public he'll walk behind me wailing and the group just keeps walking ignoring it or if we are at a park or something everyone just carries on while he has his moment (I just smile at everyone who is walking by because it really doesn't bother me that much). I have talked to his mom about it and most of the time IMO it seems like it's a joke but from what I understand this is an everyday occurrence at home and most times she just sends him to his room where he puts his head at the bottom of the door and screams through the crack :ohmy:.

Today was the last straw though when I had a dad picking up his daughter and after me asking the 4 yr old to stop rough housing with his brother a couple times and finally me catching the 4yr old flying at his brother I asked him to sit in timeout until I was finished and he bloody lost it!! The dad's face winced at how loud and out of control he got. We both tried to make a joke out of it but seriously that was embarrassing!. I spoke with the mom today and told her that I had a very serious talk with him about his unacceptable behavior and that he will be apologizing to the dad tomorrow at pick up. She didn't seem too concerned as usual and actually told me that she gives me full permission to toss some water in his face to snap him out of it because sometimes that's the only thing that seems to work with him :blink: I was like ummmm.....i can't do that..... (ps. just in case any of you are thinking abuse I have absolutely no concern about his safety in that area I just think she really is at her whits end it with his outbursts as well)

Anyways, do you guys have any other suggestions as I would really like to help this boy/family out with his emotions. I honestly think this boy has ADHD (not only because of his tantrums but other things as well) but I don't think it's my place to say anything. What to do!?

[Inspired by Reggio]

Wow ~ ya that behavior would not fly here :( I would be having a meeting with the clients and giving a 'time line' to get that child the anger management and impulse control skills needed to manage and be resilient in the program because if he does not master soon it will just 'escalate' and eventually someone will get hurt!

If mom is feeling at her whits end as well ~ I would looking to see what 'outside resources' are available in your community to point her towards for him ... are you in Ontario?

If so you could call your local Ontario Early Years Centre and see what workshops and parent resources they have for dealing with 'spirited children' and so forth and perhaps suggest that you and mom attend together so you are both getting the 'same' information, resources and ideas to create a shared plan to help this little dude learn to manage his anger/emotions in a more social acceptable behaviour.

Our Early Years centre have an awesome resource called 'Second Step' you can learn more about it here ...
http://www.promoteprevent.o rg/publications/ebi-factsheets/second-step-violence-prevention-curriculum

The preschool kit is awesome at helping open discussions and dialogue with children around mastering empathy, impulse control and anger management ~ I use this program and variations of it my program and I rarely have 'behaviour' with my group ... they are kind, gentle and supportive to each other and often able to resolve their conflict on their own with little aid from me.

Also highly recommend this book and the accompanying 'workbook' for any parent with a child who at 4 is still behaving like you are describing ~ Raising your Spirited Child' here is her website which also has some info on other books that she's had ~ the Power Struggles is also a very helpful one.
http://www.parentchildhelp. com/

Hope you can find some strategies to help him out soon ~ no one wants to work with a kid who has everyone eggshells that he will 'blow' at any minute ... and the fact that they have to throw water in his face at home to get him to stop leads me to believe that in some extent his 'behaviour' is working at home to get him what he wants otherwise he would not behave like that ... so if it is 'attention seeking' behaviour at home they need to stop giving him attention for behaving like that ~ aka everyone just 'walks away' and does not speak or talk to him or toss water at him until he has 'resumed control' on his own!

[playfelt]

His age also is important to consider as this kind of behaviour needs to be dealt with before starting school and obviously that will be coming up quickly. That should be enough to get the parents to at least speak to their doctor about the issues and ask for some kind of assessment since it can take months to get an appointment. If child is going to be a behaviour issue at school then he may need to have an aid available should he need to be removed from the classroom and again that has to be set in place early. You could use school registration as your rationale for getting some definitive answers and assistance in dealing with the child. It should at least be a wake up call to the parents that while you have all tolerated this for 4 years there is going to come a time soon when others won't be so willing.

[gcj]

Sounds to me like you're dealing with it beautifully, but none-the-less it obviously has to improve. How long has he been in your care? I would have a meeting with the parents and if there isn't some improvement within a reasonable amount of time, I'd be saying buh-bye! It's not fair for the other kids either. And despite how well you're handling it, it CAN'T be easy. You guys don't need that!

[godsgirl]

Thanks Reggio for all the info I'll definitely be looking into those.

He was been with me since July and is already enrolled in PT Kindergarten. I asked him yesterday if he behaves like this at school and he said no. So I asked him why he felt it was ok to act like that in my home and he didn't know.

As weird as it is the kids really don't care when he explodes so we have just been dealing with it the same way I mentioned above since day one. I don't know...just seems like we've hit a wall with the mom because we both do the same thing (as far as I know) and it pretty much has just stayed the same. However, I might add that when his 10yr old brother is around he is a completely different kid (has no control) and then most of the time when he's not around he's a complete sweet heart. I dunno...

I think they are leaving when schools is over but regardless something has got to be done until then.

[playfelt]

See if you can get some more answers out of him about what happens at school if he is feeling angry. What at school makes him feel angry, what at daycare makes him feel angry, what at home makes him feel angry - try to get him to say things in his own words. He may be able to set his own consequences the more he talks.

[kidlove]

One of the most important things to remember with a child with ADHD or a hyperactive disorder is: they legitimately feel frustrated, angry, excited, explosive etc. IF he is ADHD and not just a plain and simple "brat". :) The biggest thing to remember is to acknowledge his feelings, it's hard to do...especially if they are not your child or they are throwing such a tantrum that your every instinct is a quick yell, or spank on the butt. (if they are yours :))
ADHD is tough for an adult to deal with in a child, but even tougher for the child to deal with...a lot of times if the child speaks openly they will tell you they hate them self because of the way they act and feel, their self esteem is low, and they are extremely quick to anger or change from happy to depressed. With out catering to their fits or allowing them to happen, it is a very fine line to handle appropriately but you do need to acknowledge the frustration allow them to feel the way they do, talk it out, and explain better options. Getting in trouble, timeouts, yelling at them, spanking and scolding usually makes a child of such nature worse. The average behaved child will generally come out of a 'scolding" with a sense of remorse and sorrow, trying to do better next time....a child with ADHD tends to beat them self up, the more they get scolded, the more they will act out, thinking "it's hopeless, why behave!" When he throws the fits you could pull him aside and say something like: "I understand you are upset over having to share the toy but here at my house we share with others, that's the nice thing to do, instead of throwing it on the floor and crying could you please go pick it up and bring it to _____." after they calm down ask them to follow through with what you asked, and give lots of praise when he does so. ADHD also need a ton of praise for what they "can do" or do right. It feeds their unexplainable low self esteem and ultimately will help strengthen them to be able to handle the lack of control they struggle with. Good Luck! It is very stressing to deal with a child with ADHD, although in my experience there are many UPS to it as well. They usually tend to be a little 'different' fly to their own tune, or walk an unbeaten path....born leaders....eistein, thomas jefferson amoung many other brilliant and famous inventors and leaders were deemed as ADHD type cases, uncontroled by adults and teachers and flew by their own tune, and look at what they accomplished. He really could be an amazing kid under all that wild and explosive behavior, he just needs to find a healthier outlet.

[kidlove]

a few books to suggest for the parents to read....or you, if you want to dig farther:
Living with the Active Alert Child By:Linda s Budd (this one helped me a ton)
The explosive Child by: Ross w. Greene
You Can't Make Me (but i can be persuaded) by: Cynthia ulrich Tobias

[Mamma_Mia]

At 4yrs old this is just NOT allowed!!

The ladies made great points above....from a baby (under 3yrs) I'd be a bit more understanding but at his age....no way mister.

[godsgirl]

Thanks so much kidlove!! Great explanation to put things in perspective of a child with ADHD. Thank you!!!

[kidlove]

Your welcome Godsgirl. This is a area of sensitivity for me....I had a nephew who struggled for years with ADHD and I always had the view point that so many have regarding the lack of parenting or the fact that this child just needed more discipline or boundaries, UNTIL...God gave me a son of my own with ADHD tendancies. WOW! opened my eyes completely to the reality that ADHD is a struggle and even the best parents (not that I am :)) with the best intentions have to deal with. It really is a diference of a genetic makeup in a child, nothing you can do to avoid ADHD you just have to learn to live with it...in accepting the ADHD you have to learn to accept the child in a diferent way you accept other children. You really have to retrain your commonsense way of thinking and it takes a TON of patience and forethought. Not easy and it seems for me every day can present another challenge. I wouldn't change my son for the world he is an amazing charactor, so bright and inventive, understands more and thinks deeper than the average child, but on the flip side...he has a hard time paying attention to things that don't strike his curiouslity and always desires to go against the grain.... :( easily angered and frustrated, and seems he is always down on himself. I count to 10 a lot and step out of the room when needed, or ask him to please step out for a while....definately a challenge for sure, but so worth it....I wonder what he will grow up to be every day. Seems with ADHD if they are lead properly and built up in life, by peers, teachers and all adults they can thrive beyond the normal childs abilities but, and a big "but" if they are wore down by punishment, negitive response and the all too popular "sterio typing" of troubled....they will end up far below their abilities. Selfesteem in ADHD is a make or break on what they can accomplish in life, it's up to us to help them understand their weeknesses can be overcome and their strengths are amazing! good luck with this little one, you really can be a first "important" in his life, don't give up too easy. it can be hard to deal!