Just dont know what to do

[monkeymama]

I have a 3 yo dcg who has been with me 6 months now. every single morning after drop off, for about 1-2 hours she sits and crys for her parents. the constant tears are really starting to get to me. I am thinking about terming. however, this is really the only problem. she eats great, naps great, is a good listener/helper just cries alot. Her parents follow my rules and pay on time. She will only be here until sept when she starts school. according to her parents, this is an improvement. i am daycare #4 and all the others previous she cried all day/every day.

I am just torn. i feel bad for terming just because of the crying but it can be very frustrating sometimes.

[Sandbox Sally]

Can you try to keep her busy busy busy for the first hour after she gets there? Maybe start her on a craft or something? She's old enough at 3 that she can do a craft on her own for a while...or sensory bins? Or? Something like that?

It might make a difference if she's immediately stimulated with a fave activity once she walks in.

[monkeymama]

Alphagetti, thanks for the suggestions. I have tried all of those and all they do is increase the crying and tantrum. I have never had a child this old have such difficulty with drop off.

[Sandbox Sally]

Bye! LOL I couldn't take that for another eight months, personally. It's not like she hasn't had time to adjust.

[Skysue]

How about telling her straight out that she is a big girl and crying at your house is not allowed. Maybe let her pick a DVD to watch for 20 minutes right after drop off, tell her if she doesn't cry and is a big girl you will let her chose something.

I had a similar situation and my little dcg loved Dora so I let her watch it. I'm not sure of your morning routine but for me it's treehouse for the 1st 1/2 to 40 minutes until everyone is dropped off.

[playfelt]

May be time to go the other way and treat the crying as unacceptable behaviour and send her timeout or whatever you do in your home. Call her on it telling her it is ok to miss your parents but they are not here to see how angry (don't say upset) you are so save the tears for at home. Let her know it is unacceptable behaviour and she has the choice to stop or take it to bed or whatever you do.

She is old enough to know that every action has a consequence be it pleasant or otherwise. Make sure the parents are being very quick and matter of fact and no oh you poor dear type behaviour at drop off or pick up that could be feeding into the behaviour. Also remind them about trying to make it up to her with undivided attention in the evening - again will be contributing to it continuing.

[Crayola kiddies]

Have you tried telling her that the behaviour is unacceptable and that she is upsetting the other children and that she will have to spend time in the time out chair if she continues or have you tried telling her if she comes in the next day with out crying she can have a sticker .... She is old enough to understand inappropriate behaviour .... And also able to follow the routine ...play ....snack... Outside time.... Lunch.... Story.... Nap.... Snack.... Home .... Or maybe if she doesn't cry she can help with snack .... You know the child .... Does she respond better to rewards or deterrents ?

[Crayola kiddies]

Haha play felt we were typing at the same time .... And we said pretty much the same thing!

[Dreamalittledream]

I wish I had advice for you...sounds like you've tried everything. There was a little guy in my oldest son's kindergarten that I volunteered with who literally screamed and cried (vice grip cling to his mother) every single time she dropped him off for 2 years! Funny thing...when Dad was the drop off person, it was a quick wave by son and off he went to play.

[monkeymama]

thanks everyone for the suggestions. i have had numerous talks with dcp and we just dont seem to be getting anywhere. i have tried talking to her, time outs, "big girl" behavior getting her to help me with something, a quiet activity without the other kids, nothing seems to be working. all my other kids (ranging from 12 months- 4 years) come in with a smile and hug for me except her. all i get is tears lol. its just so difficult because i know if i term it will be the same somewhere else for her. i just worry that it is affecting the other kids which i do not like.

[playfelt]

Make sure you aren't spending too much time trying to get her to stop because that just feeds into the tears. Once mom is gone if child starts just point to the designated spot and say "stop or go". Then walk away. If she stops fine just go on about the day. If she doesn't stop then physically take her to the spot and say "stop or stay. When you are done come and play with us." and then walk away.

This is beyond a traumatized forlorn child that needs to be comforted and in the realm of tantrum.

[Inspired by Reggio]

I would not 'punish' the crying however I would ensure it gets NO attention from anyone at all ... at that age if a child is needing to have a good cry for whatever reason they are taught to go have some 'alone time' on their cot and as soon as they are ready they are more than welcome to return to the group at their own initiative ... so it is not a time out in the traditional sense that I am determining how long they are sitting there it is more teaching them 'self regulation' with the message is it is ok to be SAD that mom and dad are gone however being here is not a choice and it is not ok to ruin everyone elses enjoyment of the program just cause you are feeling sad ~ so here is a place where you can experience your emotions and reflect on your choice is to either be sad here in your alone space or make the best of that fact you are here like it or not and come join your friends for some fun.

I find when they are not getting any 'control' over their behavior getting looks from peers or peers complaining it is too loud and well getting no 'attention' for the crying and so forth that they are much quicker to choose to come to the group and make the most of it where they will get attention and interaction from others.

[daycarewhisperer]

I would have her go straight to bed when she gets there. Not as a punishment but as something else to do. She needs a good one hour nap when she arrives. I would bet she is up late every night and up during the night.

She might as well cry in bed then cry around you and the other kids. This will allow her to have some privacy in her grief and separation. :blink:

[gcj]

yeah, I was thinking similar as daycarewhisperer. Especially if beds are in a different area. She won't be as bothersome and maybe it'll be boring enough for her to snap out of it. I'd try tough love.

[Momof4]

Monkeymama, I think I love you! Seriously, I have a little girl who just turned 2 and she's been with me for a year and has been happy and sweet and has wonderful parents. For the past month or so she's been crying for the first hour of every day for her Mommy & Daddy and that's never happened before. It's making me NUTS!

Her parents are great and we've had lots of talks and they can't figure out what's wrong. Everything is the same at home and she's fine at home. She's sleeping the same. The only thing I can think is that my little girl is a creature of routine and her old routine was to come in and set up a tea party for the dolls, then all of a sudden she started the crying routine instead.

I've tried hugging her for the entire hour, being tough and just telling her to stop it for the hour, redirecting and distracting her, it's crazy. Sound familiar? If you find the answer please share and I'll certainly share with you if I can figure out a solution!

[bright sparks]

I would have her go straight to bed when she gets there. Not as a punishment but as something else to do. She needs a good one hour nap when she arrives. I would bet she is up late every night and up during the night.

She might as well cry in bed then cry around you and the other kids. This will allow her to have some privacy in her grief and separation. :blink:

I think I'd be inclined to do this. Its tough because you've tried everything else by the sounds of things and she probably knows you are at your wits end. Try the bed thing, but I wouldn't expect it to change over night. Just try to be consistant and hopefully you will hear a decline in the duration of the crying and fingers crossed it will eventually stop with a possibility of transitioning her to a quiet spot in your daycare room with comfy pillows and a favourite book first thing in the morning if the crying stops. GOod Luck

[monkeymama]

after thinking about everyones suggestions last night, i realized i have been feeding into the crying by trying to get her to stop. so as soon as she started, i sent her to her mat and told her when she was ready to be big and come back she could. took about 45 mins and then she came and played. im going to try and be consistent and hope this works. im just at a loss and am just trying to prevent her tears from affecting the others

[playfelt]

That is great news. IF you got her to stop in less than an hour the first day you tried it then there is great hope. Expect the next two days to be louder and more attempt to get your to "hear" her but if you all stay strong she will give in. In a sense it is the same as a leaving a child to CIO at naptime in the sense of you are on your own and responsible for your own happiness and some things are just not optional - in this case stop or rest - if she comes to the playroom and starts again send her back to try again and well as I said day one looks really positive to me. Good for you.

[Other Mummy]

That's encouraging news! :thumbsup:

You have to keep us posted on the progress.

[Momof4]

That's fantastic news Monkeymama, keep up the great work!

[Skysue]

after thinking about everyones suggestions last night, i realized i have been feeding into the crying by trying to get her to stop. so as soon as she started, i sent her to her mat and told her when she was ready to be big and come back she could. took about 45 mins and then she came and played. im going to try and be consistent and hope this works. im just at a loss and am just trying to prevent her tears from affecting the others

I do this with my daycare kids when they are having a meltdown. I tell them to go sit on the bottom stair and when they have stopped crying and are calm they can re-join the group. It gives them a sense of control when they are in an out of control state. It works like a charm.

[monkeymama]

I feel like Im at my breaking point with this girl now. I never know what kind of day we are going to have with her. She cried all morning today, refused to participate in any activities and is so attached to her blanket it is ridiculous. I feel bad terming when she will be starting school in September but not sure how much more I can take....how should I explain all this to her parents? Ive been having lots of talks with them about her behaviour but I dont think they realize how upsetting it is to me and the other kids all day long...how draining it is....Ive just never seen a child this age behave like this and just dont know what to do anymore....

[gravy_train]

Monkeymamma, I think you just need to be honest with the parents at this point. Explain how her crying is affecting the other children in your program and that as a provider you need to make sure that everyone in your care is in a safe and happy environment. Explain everything you've done so far to remedy the situation... maybe ask for their input and put a timeline on it... for example, say that you'll try for another 2 weeks but you are really at your wit's end.
you could ask the parent's to maybe put a picture of you up on their fridge at home and ask them to talk to her about you and about her friends at daycare when she's home?

[Inspired by Reggio]

I have never had to terminate since moving from centre to homecare but one of the things we use to do in centre care when staff were feeling they were at their 'end of the rope' with supporting a child and not getting enough help from HOME was to draw up a 'behaviour management contract' basically your child is being put on 'probation' and if the following behaviours are not remedied by X date we are going to have to terminate service. We would give action plan for what we were doing in PROGRAM and what we needed for HOME in hopes to get the issue resolved ... this way it was not a 'shock' when a client finally got a 'sorry but effective X date we will no longer be able to provide care' and honestly in my 17 years of centre care we only had to actually terminated TWO children because the minute the parents realized the behavior was going to affect THEM in having no childcare they got on board at home with instilling the 'skills' the child needed to thrive in the group setting!

A child heading to school in 7 months should have way more resiliency and conflict resolution skills than to be melting down daily ~ something is not right either in her sleep routines and she is overtired OR she has been allowed to use manipulative crying to get special treatment and has figured it works so keeps doing it ... either way it needs addressing with better management of her emotions and to self soothe before school otherwise she is going to have a tough time in a classroom of 25 children!

[apples and bananas]

I probably wouldn't terminate her. If she feels like crying at the door... by all means.. there is the door. Let me know when you're ready to join the fun.

it's a great life lesson to learn to buck up and have fun rather then dwell in the sadness. I would give her no attention accept to tell her that she's a big girl and if she insists on crying here is where you sit. Let me know when you're ready to have fun with us.

If it's just until Sept and she's napping and eating great I'd put up with it. In the summer you may be able to just start your day outside. That way she'll either settle down and play or you'll get complaints from the neighbours. LOL

[monkeymama]

Well after a very difficult day yesterday, I tried again to talk to dcm. Her responses were not what I was looking for and Ive decided to term. Im really torn about this decision but am hoping Im making the right one. Planning to give them ample notice to sort things out. Really hope I can fill her space tho as she is FT. Thanks everyone for the suggestions, really appreicate them.

[Momof4]

Have you talked to the parents about how much the little girl sleeps at night? You probably don't remember but a few pages back I mentioned I was going through a spell with a little girl having crying spells and it turned out she was having a spell of bad sleep at night. The parents have her all straightened out for sleeping at night again and she has stopped crying in the morning. Sometimes the answer is simple.

[monkeymama]

Momof4- thanks this is actually one of the issues. parents allow her to stay up very late and then she is exhausted all day. ive had countless talks with them about it and nothing has changed. i have no idea what they are going to do when she starts school full time in september. she sleeps 3 hours here everyday!

[Momof4]

If the parents won't fix things at their end, you know what to do. Sorry.