Attachment to Objects

[Bookworm]

Hey Ladies, this doesn't pertain to daycare necessarily, but want to get your input on this.

My daughter is 3.5, will be 4 in May. She, for some reason, gets overly attached to items, whether it be clothes, toys, etc. If my husband and I mention getting rid of something (whether donating, giving it to someone, or throwing it out) she gets very upset, starts crying and tells us not to get rid of it because she "loves it".
We've tried talking to her about how by donating our stuff we are helping other boys and girls etc., but she still gets upset. If I sell something on kijiji and she sees it going she cries etc. It has gotten to the point where if we are getting rid of something we do it when she is not around because she gets that upset. :no:
We are buying a new car this weekend and when we mentioned getting a new car, she got upset because she loves our current one.
I can't really remember exactly when this all started, but I really don't know how to ease her concerns etc. I mean she got upset because she dropped her napkin on the floor at a restaurant and we gave her a new one. She didn't want the new one because she "loved" her one that dropped on the floor.
Anyone gone through this with their little ones? I'm hoping it's just her age and a stage, but I still find it a little funny that she gets this attached to items.

[daycarewhisperer]

You are confusing attachment with control. She's a little child. She just needs to know that it's not up to her. She doesn't get to decide.

If a napkin goes on the floor the ADULT knows that it's not sanitary to keep it. The ADULT decides that. She doesn't get an opinion. She's a very young child who couldn't possibly know what is best for her. Allow her the time in life where she doesn't have to know. Release her from her position.

You are adultizing her emotions. She's slick enough to use the highest form of adult words to get you to allow her a position. Saying "love" is the best way to get the adult to allow an opinion and position. If she said "I want to decide" would you be enamored by it? If she says "I love it" then your mommy adult heart believes she loves something as you know "love". She doesn't understand "love" she understands that she can engage and influence with THAT word and THAT behavior.

Give her back her rightful position as a child who doesn't have a "care" about stuff she's too young to understand and has no claim to. If she engages you on something that has no connection to a child's decision then just tell her to "leave it". If she persists tell her "you don't get to decide. I'm the adult and I decide".

Now if you want to have her input then grant her the powers to decide adult things. She will eventually take over things you don't want to grant Ilike the purchase of an expensive item like a car) so it's a slippery slope.

[mimi]

She associates the things with happy memories and they are a part of her household. To lose the item may make her feel vulnerable and she genuinely does care about the item. I remember watching my mother cry watching the new owner of the car they sold drive down the street. I couldn't understand at the time, but we had alot of good times in that vehicle and that was what she was mourning.
Perhaps you could see if she out grows this phase and not mention donating items for awhile. She is just a sensitive girl who feels her emotions deeply. I would rather have that than indifference. :)

[Bookworm]

Daycare whisperer, I understand what you are saying, but we do not let her decide what stays and goes. Not once in my post did I say her reaction to us giving away things etc.. influenced our decision. I was merely stating that my daughter has attachment issues with objects that she shouldn't have attachments to. I would never let my daughter decide whether or not we got a new car. We are getting one, she will have to deal with the loss of our old car. That is the purpose of my OP... how to help her deal with her emotions.
I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they did to ease her concerns about "losing" (in her eyes) something we/she once had.
We do tell her that we, as the parents, decide what stays and goes, but that doesn't mean she has to like our decision.
Mimi... You are right. She is a very emotional little girl.
I have started hiding the fact that we get rid of stuff...however, since some of the stuff is her clothes that no longer fit, or some toys they no longer play with.... she does notice, and then I have to deal with her being upset about it. She doesn't have to see me give it away, she just has to notice its gone. :laugh: I half joke with my husband that we have a hoarder in the making. My husband and I don't attach a lot of importance to "items" and we try to model to her that we are happy to give stuff away to help other people. Hopefully, she will outgrow it.

[kidlove]

although i do feel for her emotions and its sweet that she gets upset over the loss of things she has come to feel "fond" of,, I do agree with whisper and say you need to give her 'no choice" in the area of things you know better about. New car?....she will get to "love" the new one as much as she thinks she "loves" the old. And whether or not she does have the attachment to things or it is a control over what "she wants" yet....she will learn she has control with these excuses and use it later, if not already. Not to mention, even if this is the begining of something bigger, like hording or what not, IF you give in to her cries for keeping things and "loving" things, you will only feed into the developement of some siller disorder later in life. I say go with whisper, and give her no choice, she is not the adult you are. you dont need to be harsh about it, just matter of factly inform her, the toy is old and not played with and it IS going to the goodwill, or the car is getting older and Daddy and I have decided to get a new one. PERIOD! no further conversation, she needs to know she does not make the choices and it's ok for things to come and go in life!!! :) good luck. Sounds cute now, but if not handled proper..could become an issue later in life.

[kidlove]

in terms of helping her get used to the loss of the old and the gain of the new, you could do things like: take her with you to pick up the new car and let her strap her seat into in or put special books and toys in compartments to her her feel it is hers too. :)

[mimi]

I understand her wanting to keep certain toys and clothes as I mentioned why previously. For other items perhaps pick two things and ask her to help pick one to donate. I am not going to pin a hoarder lable on her at all, however this is the treatment they do with some who do hoard.

[Calgarymom]

I purchased some toddler toys from kijiji over the weekend from a few different houses. At each the child came to see what was happening and then burst into tears when then realised that the toys were going - by the end of the day I felt horrible making all these children cry!!!! Not really got an answer just wanted you to know you are not alone!!!

[kidlove]

This is an oppertunity for your daughter to learn some very important life lessons, don't miss out on it. :) Just like with calgarymom's comment, it was a good time for that Mother to explain to the crying child.."how neat it is, that her toy (she didn't even play with any more) was going to go to a house filled with little kids that would love it and enjoy it! How nice to be able to share our things with others. I would also tell my child I was so proud of them for being willing to let those toys go to all those other kids, they say "thank you". and give her a big hug, for being so nice to others. :) lesson learned. ;)

[daycarewhisperer]

Daycare whisperer, I understand what you are saying, but we do not let her decide what stays and goes. Not once in my post did I say her reaction to us giving away things etc.. influenced our decision. I was merely stating that my daughter has attachment issues with objects that she shouldn't have attachments to. I would never let my daughter decide whether or not we got a new car. We are getting one, she will have to deal with the loss of our old car. That is the purpose of my OP... how to help her deal with her emotions.
I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they did to ease her concerns about "losing" (in her eyes) something we/she once had.
We do tell her that we, as the parents, decide what stays and goes, but that doesn't mean she has to like our decision.
Mimi... You are right. She is a very emotional little girl.
I have started hiding the fact that we get rid of stuff...however, since some of the stuff is her clothes that no longer fit, or some toys they no longer play with.... she does notice, and then I have to deal with her being upset about it. She doesn't have to see me give it away, she just has to notice its gone. :laugh: I half joke with my husband that we have a hoarder in the making. My husband and I don't attach a lot of importance to "items" and we try to model to her that we are happy to give stuff away to help other people. Hopefully, she will outgrow it.

She is a part of the decision. She may not be able to keep everything but she gets you to "do" her about stuff after you let go of it. She's still in the game. You are hiding things from her so you don't upset her. If she truly doesn't get a say then toss or give away right in front of her and when she interjects herself tell her NO. Your wavering on this is what is causing her escalation. She's feeling you are weak and she's seizing the situation and interjecting herself.

She's a kid. Let her just be a kid. When she gets in adult business tell her to butt out. Don't hide it... don't reword it... do it right in front of her and tell her to "leave it". She doesn't get to decide, she doesn't get an attachment.

You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it.

[playfelt]

To the OP I can see that you are concerned about your child's issues and they may very well be cause for concern. Fear of change is a real phenomenon. When a child or an adult for that matter measures their existence in terms of what stuff is around them then it is time to involve professionals to get to the real reason. It is partly a form of severe separation anxiety, partly a self-esteem issues ( I am the sum of my possesions), as well as under certain syndromes that involve mental health issues there are true instances where the child/adult can not handle change of any kind. They may actually need professional counselling to learn to let go and not be so rigid. If it was just her toys yes I understand that kids get possessive. But to fret over a napken - that she has only had for less than an hour at a restaurant or the family car indicates that it is time to speak to your doctor and express your concerns and ask for someone to advise you.

I get that you have to carry through and do things like trade the car and she will just have to get over it. But realize that her anxiety is real not pretend and needs to be considered and she needs to be given coping skills to handle it.

[giraffe]

You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it.

At 3 years old her mind is still ruled by her emotions. It is developmentally NORMAL for the child to feel extreme emotions over things that seem insignificant to us.

[Fun&care]

Just wanted to say that my son went through this stage at that exact age. I think it's pretty normal. It didn't last too long and he outgrew it, but I remember kinda scratching my head at the time...you just need to repeat why you are getting rid of something ( it's broken, it doesn't work anymore etc) , and focus on all the things that ARE still good and that she CAN keep. I don't think it's a control thing at all. I think they are just learning that all things come to an end. Now my son has no problem going through his closet and getting rid of things.

[Bookworm]

Thank you ladies for your input. I will continue to work on her with this, and hopefully it will pass soon.

[daycarewhisperer]

At 3 years old her mind is still ruled by her emotions. It is developmentally NORMAL for the child to feel extreme emotions over things that seem insignificant to us. I don't really see the age of three being more or less emotional than any other age group.

It's our JOB to show them what is and isn't significant.

When things like this come up, I reccomend just trying the simplest solution first. Tell her "no" and then tell her what you want to do. "No little Missy... you can't have the napkin that fell on the floor. Take this new napkin". Then be done and move on.

"No little Missy... Mommy and Daddy decide what car we will have."

It doesn't have to be harsh... or in a strict tone. Just tell her what you will and won't accept and to leave it at that. We have managed to complicate parenting so much in the last decade. It really makes me shake my head. We need to stop putting adult emotions onto kids and start telling them what we want and what we will accept. It's okay to stop this in its tracks now at the young age of three without having much fuss or muss.

[ladyjbug]

I was like this as a toddler/younger kid. I particularly remember how heartbroken I was when my family sold our van that I grew up in, but toys/clothes/books bothered me too. One thing my parents did that helped me was to take a picture of everything that they sold/gave away and put it in an dollar store album for me. If it was clothes, there was a picture of me when I fit the clothes. That way, I could "visit" with the memories of that item at any time, but they could still give it away. I kept it in my clothes drawer. Over time I put less and less of the pictures in there, but it helped me that I could look at it whenever I wanted. I ended up marrying someone who purges the house pretty regularly of junk, so I did eventually get over it! :)

[ladyjbug]

Oh, and I didn't "love" my napkins, so I am no use there. Don't take a picture of every napkin she drops, lol! :)

[Momof4]

Bookworm, don't let anybody lecture you or tell you how to react or that your concerns aren't valid. Of course they are! I'm sure your daughter is a very sweet, normal little girl who is going through a phase. Is this something new? Or has it been going on for a long time? Did anything change to start the behaviour, like a loved one or friend leaving? Maybe you had a big change in your family or in your daycare that affected her and now she's afraid of people or things leaving.

We have to remember that we don't think with the same mind as a 3 year old. I always try to get people to try to get to the root of problem from the perspective of the child because they can't rationalize problems the way an adult is able to do.

Can you donate her toys without her knowing about it? I'm sure you aren't going to donate her favourites. Can you get the new car with lots of excitement and not mention what's happeneing to the old car? Just a few ideas. It's perfectly normal for a child to have favourite blankets, toys, etc. Nothing strange at all about any of this.

[kidlove]

ladyjbug: i think what your parents did was a cute idea, I can just picture a little girl sitting on her bed and looking at all her favorite little outfits and toys of the past.
DeeDee: I think she really hit the nail on the head with the comment of "I got over it!" No matter how you choose to approach the situation, as long as you don't make TOO MUCH of her attachment, yet acknowledge her feelings, she will more than likely grow out of it just as the other ladies said. I don't think we should as parents walk around telling our kids "because I said so" and not giving them any room for input, but we should also not allow our kids to make decisions based on what they want or how they feel. (which I know you r not doing D) but a happy meet in the middle to let our kids be heard and also let them know we are incharge (because we know whats best for them) is a healthy approach. Nothing wrong with her getting upset over the car going or toys leaving the house, sit with her and talk to her (don't dwell) and then ...move on. you will find she is stronger than you may think, and will be on to something else the very next day. All people are different and we all cope in different ways, give her her room to deal. But for goodness sake...don't let her have the napkin off the dirty floor. JK ;)

[mumstheword]

To the OP I can see that you are concerned about your child's issues and they may very well be cause for concern. Fear of change is a real phenomenon. When a child or an adult for that matter measures their existence in terms of what stuff is around them then it is time to involve professionals to get to the real reason. It is partly a form of severe separation anxiety, partly a self-esteem issues ( I am the sum of my possesions), as well as under certain syndromes that involve mental health issues there are true instances where the child/adult can not handle change of any kind. They may actually need professional counselling to learn to let go and not be so rigid. If it was just her toys yes I understand that kids get possessive. But to fret over a napken - that she has only had for less than an hour at a restaurant or the family car indicates that it is time to speak to your doctor and express your concerns and ask for someone to advise you.

I get that you have to carry through and do things like trade the car and she will just have to get over it. But realize that her anxiety is real not pretend and needs to be considered and she needs to be given coping skills to handle it.

YES, playfelt has the right idea.

Daycarewhisper- What you suggest could be very damaging to a child that is suffering from Anxiety and or OCD. They are both very real and can occur in children very young. Although attachments to objects can be very normal, they can also be of concern. If the child is suffering from anxiety or OCD, then TELLING them how to feel or think is only going to make the anxiety worse.
You said "You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it." Taking OVER for someone does not "release" them from anxiety. It can actually cause more anxiety.

OP, It is impossible to tell through a post whether your daughter has anxiety or OCD but I would talk to your Dr. and perhaps have a referral to a Child Phyc. before deciding how to "handle" her attachments.

[daycarewhisperer]

YES, playfelt has the right idea.

Daycarewhisper- What you suggest could be very damaging to a child that is suffering from Anxiety and or OCD. They are both very real and can occur in children very young. Although attachments to objects can be very normal, they can also be of concern. If the child is suffering from anxiety or OCD, then TELLING them how to feel or think is only going to make the anxiety worse.
You said "You are petting an unstable mindset and she is getting worse. Take it over NOW and release her from this anxiety. She's begging you to do that but you don't see it." Taking OVER for someone does not "release" them from anxiety. It can actually cause more anxiety.

OP, It is impossible to tell through a post whether your daughter has anxiety or OCD but I would talk to your Dr. and perhaps have a referral to a Child Phyc. before deciding how to "handle" her attachments. I dont agree. I woudn't assume the child has such a profound mental illness before trying the obvious corrections first. Whether she has a profound psychological disorder like ocd or not she shouldn't be invoved in decision-making like when something should ne purchased or sold. The parents should ne able to execute these things with zero input or involvement of a toddler. Mental illness or not, she is living in the real world and she is a very very young human who needs to be redirected immediately away from interjecting her self into adult matters.

try the obvious common sense solution for a significant amount of time and be prepared for a significant backlash as she is releasing her previous position and getting used to her rightful position as a toddler - preschooler who cant and SHOULDN'T be bothered by adult decisions and matters.

[JennJubie]

I was like this as a toddler/younger kid. I particularly remember how heartbroken I was when my family sold our van that I grew up in, but toys/clothes/books bothered me too. One thing my parents did that helped me was to take a picture of everything that they sold/gave away and put it in an dollar store album for me. If it was clothes, there was a picture of me when I fit the clothes. That way, I could "visit" with the memories of that item at any time, but they could still give it away. I kept it in my clothes drawer. Over time I put less and less of the pictures in there, but it helped me that I could look at it whenever I wanted. I ended up marrying someone who purges the house pretty regularly of junk, so I did eventually get over it! :)

What a lovely idea!

[Momof4]

Daycarewhisperer, I can't keep this to myself because I really don't think it's very nice of you to tell our forum members that their children have mental illnesses. I highly doubt that is true.

Anyway, Ladyjbug, I agree that a photo album is a fantatic idea.

[daycarewhisperer]

Daycarewhisperer, I can't keep this to myself because I really don't think it's very nice of you to tell our forum members that their children have mental illnesses. I highly doubt that is true.

I didn't and I don't. Another poster brought up the possibility of anxiety disorder and OCD. Those are very serious mental disorders especially if diagnosed in such a very young toddler preschooler.

My point Is that I wouldn't deal with this behaviour under the assumption or fear that the baby is mentally ill. I would first go to the obvious simple response that the child needs to stop involving herself in adult decisions, the adults get to make decisions about what is kept and not kept, the things that are given away or sold need to be done right up front without considering how she will react, and telling her "no" and to "stop it" when she is interjecting herself into situations that are beyond her scope or overreacting when she doesn't get to have or keep stuff.

We don't have to walk around on eggshells with our babies. We are the adults and we decide. It's okay to go forward with parenting and be the leader and the one who decides. We don't have to make decisions on the very very low probability that a child/toddler/baby/preschooler is mentally ill. We can assume that they are behaving badly and say no to it.

[giraffe]

This post was never EVER about the OP letting the child decide on what object could, or could not be kept... it was about how to help the child learn to deal with her feelings about an object being thrown away or being re-homed.

[daycarewhisperer]

This post was never EVER about the OP letting the child decide on what object could, or could not be kept... it was about how to help the child learn to deal with her feelings about an object being thrown away or being re-homed.

My response was that the solution to it needed to be to let the child know that she ISN'T the one to decide what is to be kept or not kept. That's my reccomendation FIRST to help her learn to deal with her feelings.

First be clear that she doesn't have a dog in the fight. The decision isn't hers. She doesn't get input. She doesn't need to be involved. The adults decide.

Then when she interjects with her fussing then tell her "NO". Leave it and move on.

I realize the OP didn't say the child gets to decide but she did say they weren't being uprfont with the child and showing her they were going to get rid of stuff.

If the child is spiraling out of control with emotions over things then release her from it by making it clear that she doesn't get to decide and the behavior won't be tolerated. Try "no" first. Clear.... exact.. without hesitation....... without equivocation NO and butt out lil missy... we got this. :yes:

[SLD]

Bookworm, acknowledge her feelings. She's not interjecting herself into adult matters. She's expressing herself which in this day and age is acceptable. What isn't acceptable is going overboard. Tears aren't needed over a napkin, or a car, etc. I do agree with the overall idea of carrying on with what you need to do without much acknowledgement of her behavior. Deal with the behavior separately.

I'm curious, do tears etc. get her any sort of results any other time?

IF she is dealing with anxiety then ignoring it won't help. You can't "release her" from it. If that is what's going on, you will need to learn how to help her with it. I have a child with an anxiety disorder, ignoring his needs would be the absolute worst thing we could do. We did need to teach him that going to extremes wouldn't net results. We also needed to teach him that we were there to help him.. ignoring him/telling him we were the adults and would decide would have shown him the exact opposite. This came from a child psychologist, and I can tell you as his mom that simply telling him the grown ups would handle it only increased his anxiety. In his mind, he didn't believe we could handle it. It took years to get him through it, and honestly he still has issues.

Reassure her that it's okay to give away/sell the things you don't need anymore, then remind her that you would never get rid of something your family needs.

Good luck with it.