Advice(sorry so long)

[abster]

Have had 2 dcb siblings in my care since November one is almost 4 other is 14 months. Youngest cries a lot but has had a lot of improvement since starting. Oldest is a huge handful! Does not listen to me yells in my face when I ask him a question (like do you understand what I just asked you not to do he yells yes go away) I have tried time outs but most of the time he won't go (kicks and screams and I won't physically pick him up to bring him to it) I tell him my rules every day 3-4 times a day we go to my rules poster and read them over. He is in a centre 2 days a week. I have all 1 year holds except my son who is 3 but developementally behind (maybe at 20 month level) he has been very hands on but mostly with his own brother. I know he is capable of understanding right from wrong and I have talked to the parents about his disrespect for me and it seemed like they would be addressing it. Is there anything I can do to get this child to listen to me? Different discipline approach? I also do not let him out of my sight ever since any time I have he has destroyed something or hands on someone.

[mom-in-alberta]

Time to get the parents actively involved. It is not ok, and he is likely allowed to do this at home as well. If he is "well behaved" at home, it is still time to get them involved.
Detail the behaviour you are seeing, and what you need to see change/ what your expectations are. Give a timeline for improvement, and if you do not see any, then he is not a good fit for your dayhome. Why put yourself through this day in and day out?
What is his behaviour at the centre? If time outs are not working, the consequence needs to change. Perhaps a loss of privleges?
Bottom line, Mom and Dad need to be helping or this is going to continue.

[Momof4]

Exactly what mominalberta said. Parents must be working on the problems at home and you should use the same words and tone of voice and discipline and you all have to be consistent or those children don't learn that there isn't any other option for them. But if the parents are not on board, then terminate and move on or suffer as long as you have the child in care. Good luck.

[daycarewhisperer]

I would terminate that child 2 day. I do not tolerate any disrespect in my home. If the other day care children saw this child kicking at me and screaming at me they would be devastated. I have a no violence policy in my daycare. None. I would just be honest with the parents and tell them that in this house he is not allowed to be nasty to anyone.they need the life experience of having 1 day care provider after another terminate him so that their life is disrupted.the only way that they will address this with him is if they must.

[abster]

Thanks everyone. I spoke with parents and told the this attitude needs to change asap or I will have toterminate without notice. I have consistently told the dad of the day everyday he picks him up but was mom who picked him up yesterday (also seen the attitude with me) and had a good conversation. It seems she is on board with me so fingers crossed it works or my sanity comes first and he will be terminated. My problem is I feel like if I terminate that's a fail for me ....which I know isn't true just have never had someone else's child not listen to me before lol....

[abster]

Also this boy was in another home daycare before and mom said it closed but now I'm skeptical, do you ask for previous daycare info at interview?

[kidlove]

i would! If any child comes to me of an older age I always ask if they have been in previous care and why they left.....in small talk I will ask where they were going if they don't mind telling me. I have only checked up on a child once from previous care, but wish I had for many more, I don't think there is anything wrong with checking in on previous care, it may catch a problem before it exists. ;)

[daycarewhisperer]

My problem is I feel like if I terminate that's a fail for me ....which I know isn't true just have never had someone else's child not listen to me before lol.... I've heard providers say versions of that before but usually when the bottom bottom line comes... it is because they want the money.

If it is really about thinking you are failing you can release yourself of that quite easily. It's just words. You didn't take the kid on with the pre-knowledge that he was going to treat you with disrepsect and noncompliance. You aren't getting paid for that and it's not something you should have to tack onto his care for free. You can't fail at something you didn't set out to do from the go.

If it's the money then that's a different matter.

[abster]

I think from now on at interviews for older children I will ask about which daycare they were in. As for the money part I know I can replace him since I have people asking about spots regularly. I just worked very hard at getting his younger brother used to being away from mom and being happy with me, don't want to have all that effort wasted which I know can be a downfall when its siblings that come. I was just looking for different approaches for dealing with the older one. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully mom has talked some sence into him. I will take away priviliges and see if that works better with him.

[daycarewhisperer]

very often when you have an older child that has a behavioral issue the child care keep the older child because they want the money of the younger child. the parents figure out with very early on that the child that is older can misbehave because the provider wants to keep the younger child. when the provider is over the older child behavior and is willing to lose the money on the younger child the parents just switch daycares.there is a very good chance that there is a provider that kicked them out because it was so bad that it was worth it to lose the money on the younger child. the older child wouldn't have lasted 1 day with me.

[Skysue]

I have been in your shoes before and yes you feel depressed and like a failure as your not able to gain respect from this child. You are not a failure but you will be if you don't terminate. Trust me this child needs a different environment, he is not being challenged enough by the sound of it and it's not anything that you are doing wrong. It isn't fair to the rest of your group either as he hurts them when your not looking.

Trust me he needs a different environment just as much as you do.

I swear you will feel the weight of the world is off your shoulders once he's gone.

Good luck.

[Momof4]

Thanks everyone. I spoke with parents and told the this attitude needs to change asap or I will have toterminate without notice. I have consistently told the dad of the day everyday he picks him up but was mom who picked him up yesterday (also seen the attitude with me) and had a good conversation. It seems she is on board with me so fingers crossed it works or my sanity comes first and he will be terminated. My problem is I feel like if I terminate that's a fail for me ....which I know isn't true just have never had someone else's child not listen to me before lol....

You are definitely not a failure and I'm sure you have tried really hard to get everything to work out. Most of us do that, try really hard and hate to terminate, but sometimes it's really necessary for our sanity and happiness. I admit I'm in those shoes right now but nothing as bad as you are describing. You have good grounds for terminating if the parents don't start disciplining their child and giving you tips on how they are handling things at home so you can help them change their child's behaviour. Remember, we are supposed to be the secondary caregivers and the parents are supposed to be the ones doing the hard work, not the other way around. However, we spend an awful lot of hours with these children and we deserve to be happy in our businesses so we need co-operative children.

[abster]

Dcb that I'm having issues with has gotten so much better (still a handful but better) since I had a huge talk with mom and dad. I find if I'm extremely stern and have zero tolerance he is much better. The second I give a chance or just a warning it seems to make him push all day. Fingers crossed once we can get outside more things will improve so much more!!

[Crayola kiddies]

Glad to hear you are seeing progress