Toy stealing

[sunnydays]

What do you ladies do when a child is constantly grabbing toys from his/her friends? I have a dcb who is almost 2.5 and in teh past 5 months since he started with me, I have made very little progress in curbing his habit of grabbing toys. He does it all day long...anytime he sees anyone with pretty much anything, he suddenly wants it for himself and runs over and grabs it. If it's a child his age or older, a fight ensues and a tugging match and that is when he ends up hitting, pushing or biting the other child. I think if I could get him to stop grabbing things, a huge portion of my issues with him would be solved. The most I have been able to acheive is that he now will give it back as soon as I tell him to...but, it means I am telling him 100 times a day! I am tired and his friends are tired and I am hoping you wise women have a good way to teach a child not to toy snatch. Please?

[torontokids]

This is coming from personal/work experience as my daycare is yet to open.

I really believe in restorative justice practices. So basically helping the children express how it makes them feel when dcb takes their toy and coming up with a plan with them as to what will happen when it happens again.

Dcb participates in this process to help generate ideas with your assistance. For example:"dcb, johnny just told you it makes him sad/mad when you take a toy he is playing with, did you know that it makes him feel this way?" "Do you have any ideas as to how we can stop the toy grabbing?" "What if sunnydays gives you high fives and reminders (praise) when you are playing nicely with others do you think will help?" "Dcg, do you have any ideas how we can stop the toy grabbing? Dcb2 what do you think you can do instead of hitting DCB when he takes your toy?"

Because of their ages in the beginning you will find you are doing most of the talking and problem solving but with time it can be pretty remarkable when you start to see them independently label feelings and problem solve. Obviously for nonverbal children you would talk for them e.g. "It looks like Johnny doesn't like when you take the toy he's playing with. I know when someone takes something I have it makes me feel sad." Helps children develop empathy as well.

[sunnydays]

Sometimes it is difficult as he is not at the age of problem-solving yet (I do this with my 4 year old and it works well, but at 2, all I get is blank stares). I guess I wonder what is driving this 2 year old to have the constant impulse of wanting whatever anyone else has (I know it is normal...but all day long?). I do like the idea of creating empathy...I will try to do something along the lines of what you have suggested and see how it goes.

[torontokids]

Yeah, I get that. That's why I was saying you will probably do most of the talking! Heh heh, you're just setting the groundwork for future problem solving.

For the here and now I would only suggest loosing the toy when he does this (for a time period) and really praise him when he is playing nicely. I really like to praise other kids when they are doing what you want him to do and you sometimes see them start to "smarten up" to get that praise too.

[torontokids]

I wonder if this boy has siblings that take his toys a lot? Basic bully mentality to take from someone weaker now that he is not the small one?

[kidlove]

a lot of times I notice children that have this habit are only children, or a little spoiled...in the sense that they get what they want pretty much when ever they want...therefor the idea of having to wait for the use of a toy when someone else has it, doesn't make any sense to them, they think they have a right to take it any time they want. I have watched a lot of children that behave this way with the other children also portray the same behavior with Mom or Dad at pickup...thinking they can have what ever they want any time they want, and Mom or Dad will give them what they demand. or they are an only child, therefor the concept of having to share with others is foreign to them. Even at the age of 2, I always attempt to redirect the behavior. If they walk up to a child and take a toy from that child I will turn them around and have them hand the toy back while speaking for them..."Sorry, I took the toy, I will wait and we can share", this way not only does the taker learn through redirection that he can not take toys away from others, but by me, speaking for the taker, I also let the child the toy was taken from feel validation and understand they too are responsible to share when they are done. Redirection seems to almost always work. and modeling behavior, show the taker how to share, give a toy to another child, have the child thank you for the toy and praise them for practicing good manners. Asking the parents to work on these things at home always helps.
In regards to children learning to wait for things, and learning not to expect to "have" every time they want...I also do such things as...make them wait a minute or two for wanted things such as snack, and a glass of water....showing them they don't always get what they want when they want and ultimately instilling patience. wait for things you want, don't expect them when you command. ;)

[sunnydays]

Kidlove, I think you have hit the nail on the head. He is an only child and his behaviour with his mom is 100 times worse than it is for me. He does have a hard time waiting for anything and I do make him wait as I never let whining or crying get me to snap to. His mom really does try...but she is tired as she is about to have baby #2 and her husband is not home much (works a lot). She appreciates my efforts and communication and she backs me up...which is why I continue the struggle. I will suggest to her that she work on making him wait for things as well at home. I think it is basically that he cannot control his impulses. He feels he wants something and he goes ahead and takes it. Once I tell him to give it back, he does and he understands that he shouldn't have taken it. I have pretty much been doing what Kidlove suggested...making him give it back and direct him to somethign else until the other child has finished with it. It's just that after 5 months I would think it would have improved! I am determined and will keep trying as I don't want to give up on him. He is not a mean child and I see that when he pushes or hurts others, it is not because he wants to hurt them or make them cry...it's just because he gets frustrated and works on impulse. My daughter is a couple of months older and I have never had this problem (she can throw some good tantrums, but she is never aggressive to others...nor were either of her brothers). I guess it is because I am working with him for 9 hours per day and all the other time...who knows what is happening!

[kidlove]

Along with the other info, only child, and getting what he wants, you may want to consider to Mom to just say "no" sometimes as well. It seems kids with this behavior often get everything they ask for, therefor have the mentality that everything is theirs. Ask her if she is willing to tell him "no" even when she can give him what he asks for, he needs to learn he doesn't always get what he wants. For example...if they are in the grocery store and he asks for a box of fruit snacks, (I am willing to bet, she usually doesn't see the harm in giving in and letting him have them) ask her to say, "no, not today", he needs to learn to deal with not getting....

[kidlove]

if dad's not home a lot and she is expecting baby #2, she is tired and gives in as not to put up a fight, lots of parents do this, and lots of parents give everything their child asks for as a form of "love", they honestly don't understand they are doing more harm than good! ;)

[Momof4]

I have actually asked parents to practice sharing with their child at home. We have all had THIS child! Sometimes this child gets the toy and sometimes they have to give it up to the other child. If the parents teach that at home too it helps, sometimes Mom gets the toy and sometimes the child gets the toy.

I agree with torontokids about teaching empathy. I do that too, talking simply and repeating myself to the smallest child but letting them know whether it is their turn or the other child's turn. I think the trick is to get on it immediately and consistently and not let the behaviour escalate or get out of control.

[playfelt]

Can you teach the other children to stand up better or at least sooner as in rather than waiting for the child to take the item work on the personal space concept. When the child comes within a couple feet of them they are allowed to scream (well yell loudly/firmly) xxxx name of child STOP. If the child is stopped in his tracks before he commits the offense then chances are it won't happen. He is impulsive and has obviously never learned any measure of self-control. Getting others to "help" him with gaining control would make everyone feel empowered and take some of the pressure off you too. Besides it is most effective coming from peers.

Yes there is always the chance the other children will abuse the privilege and yes there is the chance it will be used to isolate the child and not let him play but until he learns to play nicely no one is happy anyways. But until the child learns to "stop, wait, and listen before taking his turn" no one is going to play with him anyways.

[sunnydays]

Thanks playfelt...I will think about this as well. It is true, none of the kids want to play with him...they cringe when he comes near. He is not a bad kid...not mean, just impulsive and very annoying to the other kids. Actually, thinking about it, he mainly does the toy snatching with the other boys. Dcg stays well away from him and doesn't even want to sit beside him, but he never steals from her...she is very quiet and polite, but she must be standing her ground in some way. My daughter too is hardly ever the victim in these exchanges. Maybe the girls are better at seeing it coming and avoiding...not sure.