BIting

[Trace of Angels]

Hi Everyone,
I am very new to Daycare bear but am in desperate need of some guidance. I have been doing home care for just over a year. I have had one little girl in my care that has been more than a handful. About 8 months ago she started biting. She has bitten everyone in my care (several times) and I see that the parents of the little ones getting bit are getting quite upset. I do my best to be there and stop the biting before it starts. I have deflected about 98% of the attempts but there are a few that have squeaked through. I am only human. I just wondered what does everyone else do with biters? I have been consistent in the obvious methods of redirecting the frustration. Giving consistent time outs. Separating her from the other children when she is having a frustrated morning. But my other parents are getting upset. Who would blame them? I have four other children in my care and they are just amazing children. They have never shown any aggression to this child. She bites only out of frustration. When she wants something and can't have it at the moment she wants it. Her language is behind and I know this has a lot to do with it as she is learning two languages simultaneously. But what would and have you done when you have had a biter. I feel so bad for my other children that are getting hurt and feel that I am not doing a good enough job at protecting them.........I need some honest advice PLEASE??????

[sunnydays]

Does this girl use a soother at all? Someone told me to try (when I had a biter in care) attaching a teething ring to their shirt and directing them to bite that when furstrated, but it didn't work for me. My biter used a sooter at naptime, so out of desparation, we tried clipping it to his shirt and letting him have it all the time. It worked! He had the soother for about 2-3 weeks and stopped biting adn then we were able to ween him from the soother and he did not start biting again. I had warned his parents that I may have to terminate as I couldn't keep sending other kids home with bite marks. If all else fails, you may have to terminate.

[sierra]

Have you talked to her parents? I would give a due date for the behavior to improve or cancel your contract. Its not fair to the other children

[Trace of Angels]

I have talked to her parents. She bites at home worse than with us at daycare. They are at a loss and feeling pretty frustrated :-( I feel bad for them as I can't imagine what I would do if it was my child. I thought about the soother thing but mom asked me not to give it to her as they fear it will further her already delayed speech which is probably adding to the frustration.
How long would you give to improve sierra?

[Skysue]

You don't say how old the child is? What time outs are you giving for biting? Are the parents following through with the same format of discipline?

In my experience if a child is not emotional during a time out they are not getting the message. For my bitter I found putting her in her bed worked. She hated being put in her playpen + she hated being away from her friends. She stopped biting in less than a week.

[Trace of Angels]

She is 22 months. And she doesn't seem to mind being put into a time out :-( which is in a playpen away from everyone else. Where else do you think I can try Skysue? Her parents say they do the same at home but that it's not working :-(

[Momof4]

Do you use a stern voice when you tell her to stop? Do the parents? That's always my first advice to the parents. If you use the same voice all the time children don't get the message when they are doing something unacceptable. I agree that it's important that you use the same punishment and words at home and at daycare so she gets a consistent message. 22 months is old enough for a child to behave properly.

Do you have a chair in the corner of the room or some other place you can change the timeout so she's closer to the children and sees that she's missing out on the playing? Do you talk to her about what she's done? If anything goes wrong here the sequence of events is to hug and apologize then go in the timeout chair while we have a little talk about what happened. I'm talking about 30 seconds or so. But I use my stern voice the entire time so the child knows I'm unhappy about what happened and they can't do it again.

[Mommy]

I just had this a month ago. It's frustrating my dck was also 22 months old. He use to chew on spoons the baby plastic ones then his parents told me not to allow him to have any cause he puts them in his ear. As soon as I took them away he started bitting the kids. The parents were in shock and didn't understand why all of a sudden he started bitting. I mentioned taking away his spoons maybe ?? Lol anyways they were told to give him straws from their therapist. I secretly have him the spoons watched to make sure he didn't put it in his ear. So he always had a spoon, straw or something he liked chewing on at all times. If I missed a bite he went into his high chair for a time out. It took a couple weeks but he stopped. Some parents are so irritating. He dug the straws in his ear more then the spoons. Anyways, goodluck.

[Skysue]

What about using a corner for them to stand in?. At my house we used to use a chair but they could always see the other kids and none of the kids ever took there time outs seriously. They would even play on the chair, so I took it away and stand them in the corner.

They hate it because they can't see anyone. For time outs at my house no one comes off until they are quiet. I don't believe in the minute per age rule it has never been effective. Then again it depends on the child.

My bitter did time outs in the corner but they never phased her that is why I chose her playpen.

I hope this helps!

[Inspired by Reggio]

I personally would not do time outs at that age ... from what you have shared it sounds like IMO she is biting because she lacks the language and skills to manage her frustration .... so how does 'punishing' her with a time out help to teach her either of those things and it does not keep the others 'safe' because they are already been bitten?

When a child is learning to walk and they fall over and knock down another child in the process we do not 'punish' the child who is learning to walk ~ we accept that it was a honest error, the injury to the other child was not 'intentional' and we comfort everyone and point the budding walking in the other direction with the 'be careful watch for your friends' reminder ... we do not pick them up and put them in a confined space because they might 'knock over another child' in their effort to learn?

Dealing with biting in a toddler is no different IMO ... the child is still wee and as a result in a state of 'fight or flight' response in that moment of feeling frustrated and frightened about whatever is occurring ... and because they are still learning to communicate, to express themselves in socially acceptable manners and so forth they do not INTEND to hurt another person they are applying a 'basic need' strategy imbedded in our brains that works ... when in that state of 'fight or flight' due to an emotional trigger biting someone protects themselves or their perceived belonging or space and causes the other person to move out of their space and so forth ... there is nothing MORE to it than that ... it is not malicious or thought out to purposefully 'hurt' someone else with planned intent it is an impulse they are fighting in a split second decision of how to I make myself feel 'safe' again!

IMO we need to teach them better strategies to control their impulses and engage the 'flight or fight' aspect of the brain with more socially acceptable options in our now 'evolved' state of being ... punishing them for acting on a basic need to protect themselves is just going to leave them feeling confused and their self esteem bruised because try as they might the next time they are going to repeat the behavior until they have a 'better option' they are going to revert to that basic need brain wiring :(

Attach something to their clothing to 'bite' instead .... a soother, a teething ring, a cloth or whatever works for them as a 'surrogate' ~ when they DO attempt to bite redirect them 'when your frustrated bite this ~ we do not bite people' verses telling them 'We do not bite' because the reality is in that little fight or flight moment they are having they NEED to bit something to relieve their state of frustration ... it is like telling them 'do not breath' and expecting them to comply ~ when the next moment arises when they 'need to bite' they will remember 'bit this' and train the brain to do that instead!

Reduce the opportunity for 'frustration' to arise by reviewing the program and minimizing transitions, waiting times, getting additions of popular toys items that are a communal source of frustration in the group and so forth. When know you are going to be 'busy' and not able to be there to support a biter in the group than BEFORE they make a mistake and bite someone as a result set them up in a safe place to prevent the biting in the first place ... so not a 'time out' after the fact as punishment but having them be your 'helper' and holding the diaper or wipes while you change a diaper, setting them up with coloring or something in the kitchen while you prep meals, putting a special invitation in the pack n play and giving them a 'turn' while you go to the bathroom and so forth ... so the child is being set up to 'succeed' in not biting during those times while the other children are being 'protected' from being bitten.

Than at other times of the day you can focus on increasing the 'supported' practice of sharing and taking turns by providing invitations in the program that encourage these skills to emerge at times of the days when you can 'be there' to support proper language and social skills for handling any frustrations that may arise before it gets to a biting stage ... so for example set up a play doh invitation where only TWO children can play so the others have to learn to 'wait' their turn and than AT the play doh invitation set out only one rolling pin and so forth to encourage 'turn taking' with it ... stay close by and see how they manage and if a frustration struggle ensues you step in before it escalates and role model how to resolve it with words and language.

These are strategies I use to prevent 'biting' in my program from even starting in the first place ... 6 years with no biting incidents!

[sunnydays]

Thanks Reggio. I really like your approach. I have had a couple of biters with whom I have struggled in the past and I found time-outs to be completely ineffective. Next time biting arises in my daycare again I am going to try to approach things more in the way you have described. I think when something is not working, we have to look for new, better ways of doing things. I have only been doing daycare 2 years, so I am still learning (there is so much to learn!) and I really appreciate having this type of guidance. The discipline workshops I have been taking have helped tremendously as well and the facilitator of those would also not recommend time-outs as they are not a logical consequence and have no relation to the action the child did. I was using time-outs a lot and not finding them to work at all. I have moved to using more prevention, more positive reinforcement and being more creative in my discipline methods and things have really improved. It is an evolving process and I am actually going to cut and paste your advice into a word document for future reference as I find I need to remind myself in order to not revert to my old, ineffective ways ;) Thanks!

[Skysue]

I am going to have to disagree with Reggio on this one to a point.

I most definitely feel a 22 month out is old enough to understand right from wrong and old enough to understand that they are inflicting pain on there friends.

We need to explain it to a child in a way that they understand and let them know the consequences. If they do it again it's time out.

A much younger child would need to be redirected and or given a tool to bite.

[Skysue]

Something else that none of us have mentioned is working with the others kids on how to react when a fight may occur etc.. We must teach them to say loudly "no biting" and if a toy has been taken then to come to us. I know they need to work out conflict resolution on there own but if biting is occurring then they must involve an adult.

[Inspired by Reggio]

Skyuse ... certainly entitled to your opinion based on your experience with children and what works in your group ... it just sounded like time out was not working for the OP's biter which is why I weighed in and offered her a different way to look at the problem that might get her a more positive solution and reduce her stress ;)

Most of my career I have had to work in settings where time out or any form of 'punishment' was forbidden by staff .... which has required/allowed me to hone other ways to manage and correct behavior in children by coming at it from the positive position of them learning and supporting the child through logical consequences to make better choices verses punishing them when they do not .... the fact is that while we might all share the same goal for children's behavior there are 100's of ways to achieve it ... there is no one right one size fits all way and often in our programs we need to have a a good 1/2 dozen behavior and guidance approaches depending on the personality and temperament of the children in our care ;)

I also agree that there needs to be lots of discussion on biting or aggression in general being wrong and why and what to do about it with the entire group when or if it rears it head with them ... both the biter and the victims ... we totally needed to help the biter learn better choices in that heat of the moment above 'no biting' because that is not enough they need to know WHAT TO DO and we need to help the victims learn how to better resolve conflict and engage in play so that 'frustration' does not arise in the first place .... this is what the 'play invitations' I mentioned are intended to do ...they promote those social skills to be developed via chances to practice in a supported environment when I am there to observe and step in if needed before aggression occurs in the first place ~ giving them the words/gestures and so forth to resolve conflict acceptably.

Other venues for this are at small group / circle time .... using puppets to role model 'conflict arising' and having the children help to resolve it with the puppets through role play ... by practicing 'biting/hitting/etc' at times of the day when no one has actually been hurt and there are no emotions involved of actually having had your own toy or what not taken allows children to actually 'absorb' the information for future times and grasp the messages you are intending to pass along to help them truly grasp concepts of 'right and wrong' enough to over power that impulse of the moment to 'protect' oneself through a fight instinct!

[Skysue]

Reggio: It must have made for some extremely long days working in daycare centers that choose re direction only? Let's be serious some children need time outs.

Every child is different and finding out what works for them is the challenge, I hope from all the advice given the original poster can come to a solution soon. It is equally frustrating for the parents of the victims as it is for the parents of the bitter.

Good luck and keep us posted.

P.S Please be 150% on board with the parents and make sure they are following through with whatever method you choose together.

[mom-in-alberta]

I think there are a lot of good suggestions, here for the OP. Hopefully you can see some improvement right away. The thing I am questioning is, are mom and dad on board, FOR SURE? If this has been going on for months or whatever, and mom and dad are doing the same things as provider, I am thinking it should be at least getting better?
Maybe I have become too cynical, and I don't believe that parents are actually trying, unless I see it with my own eyes.

And I will say, not attempting to stir the pot, that I am not sure that you can compare a little person learning to walk and knocking buddy over, with a little person who is angry/frustrated and bites. The first is accidental, and the second is intentional. Perhaps not intending to hurt, (although sometimes it is) but a deliberate act nonetheless. And in my program, the only thing that receives an immediate time out is aggresive or hurtful behaviour.

I agree with not OVERusing time outs, absolutely. As with anything, they lose their meaning. And because each child is a different person, we need to think creatively sometimes and determine a consequence that will actually matter to a child, and that sends a clear message "THIS behaviour is NOT okay".

[sunnydays]

While I get what you are saying about not accepting aggressive behaviour ( I don't accept it either), I do not actually see the biting as "intentional". To be "intentional", a person has to think about it and then say to themselves "I am going to bite Johnny because I don't like what he's doing...that will teach him"...or something along those lines. I think in a 22 month old, it is more like an urge or impulse that takes over in the heat of a moment of frustration and they act before thinking. I think it would be very difficult for this child to stop himself and say "hmmm, if I bite, I might get a time-out, so I won't". That is why time-outs never worked for either of the biters I used to have in care. I found giving the child a soother worked...maybe giving them something else to bite when frustrated would work as well. And avoiding the frustration is key. Intervening before the bite happens is key. But, we all do what works for us.



I think there are a lot of good suggestions, here for the OP. Hopefully you can see some improvement right away. The thing I am questioning is, are mom and dad on board, FOR SURE? If this has been going on for months or whatever, and mom and dad are doing the same things as provider, I am thinking it should be at least getting better?
Maybe I have become too cynical, and I don't believe that parents are actually trying, unless I see it with my own eyes.

And I will say, not attempting to stir the pot, that I am not sure that you can compare a little person learning to walk and knocking buddy over, with a little person who is angry/frustrated and bites. The first is accidental, and the second is intentional. Perhaps not intending to hurt, (although sometimes it is) but a deliberate act nonetheless. And in my program, the only thing that receives an immediate time out is aggresive or hurtful behaviour.

I agree with not OVERusing time outs, absolutely. As with anything, they lose their meaning. And because each child is a different person, we need to think creatively sometimes and determine a consequence that will actually matter to a child, and that sends a clear message "THIS behaviour is NOT okay".

[playfelt]

For children that are extemely oral there are chewies designed to be pinned to the child and in varying sizes and thicknesses right up to teen use - available through special needs supply catalogues. This kind of "toy" gives the child who has outgrown a soother the opportunity to do what they feel the need to do but in a safe way. Just the same as we would tell a child that wants to hit to go hit a pillow or a punching bag or some other safe thing to hit to get it out of their system. As Sunnydays said the urge is overwhelming and something the child can not control in the heat of the moment. Logical thinking does not enter into this type of child's thinking at all.