How to handle the fall out of terming a child

[Other Mummy]

Ugh. So I'm seriously contemplating terminating a family who has been with me for over 14 months. The dcb is having many issues with I have worked with this family for many, many months. Long story short, I'm pretty sure I'm going to term as soon as I find a replacement. Could be as little as 3 weeks.

However, what do you tell the other dck's when they ask about their little playmate. All my dck's including my own 2 girls will be asking "where is dcb?" being a tight knit group. Geeze...they still ask about a little dcg that left to start JK in Sept. And they SILL ask about her. But at least I can say "Oh little Suzy is bigger now and she has started school. She is no longer in daycare and next year you will be in school as well...blah, blah" But what do you say to the kiddies when they ask about a termed child??

DCP's have told DCB that if his behaviour does not improve, he will not be going to "Mrs. Other Mummy's house". So when I term and he has 2 weeks left, it will be so uncomfortable. What do I tell dcb if he brings it up during those 2 weeks and in front of the other dck's and my kids. Do I say "guess you are going somewhere new to make new friends?" ugh. Don't want him to feel unwanted and rejected. As much as he's a thorn in my side and not a good fit to my group, I don't want him to be scarred and hurt. How do you all handle this??

Also do you ever have that awkwardness when running into a termed family? This family lives in my neighbourhood and we will run into them from time to time.:huh:

[sunnydays]

I have only termed one family, but it was an immediate termination, so I didn't have to explain anything to the child. It was hard because the kids asked about dcg for a long long time...even occassionally now they will ask and it was over a year ago! I just tell them that she's going to a different daycare and if they ask why, I just say that her parents decided on it. I certainly wouldn't want the other kids thinking that if they do something wrong, they will be kicked out....because then they wouldn't feel secure and would probably end up acting out even more. I think less is more. If the dcb asks you, maybe you could tell him to ask his parents? Although parents seem like they won't be that helpful to the situation if they have already threatened him with not coming to your house. Good luck! Just keep explanations to a minimum!

[cfred]

I've never had to term either. However, I did have a family pull their kids out before I moved. The 4 yr girl had a tough time with it. She'd walk up to me on an almost daily basis for the final month, little chin quivering, teary eyed saying that she was going to a new daycare. I said 'Yes, you are! What an exciting time! You get to make lots of new friends like you did here and I know your new teacher is excited to have you." Her response - "But I won't get to see you any more". It broke my heart into a million pieces. All I could do was to assure her that I loved her very much and would think about her all the time. If she thought about me too, we could be together that way. It seemed to make her feel better and we enjoyed our last month together. On her last day, I put her favourite stuffed toy from daycare in her backpack, hidden in her other things, with a little note saying that if she was missing me, she could hug her kitty tight. Apparently she had an iron grip on that thing for a few days, then she got over it. I felt that it went well, all things considered. It's so hard to guard their wellbeing - kids have such big feelings for little people and anything you can do to make them feel loved is well worth the effort.

[Momof4]

I had to terminate a family last week and at breakfast the first day he was gone I talked to my little ones to tell them that their old friend won't be coming back and he's gone to a new daycare. I have a very young group, ages 1 & 2 so it wasn't a problem. They never asked about him at all this week. But one of the reasons I terminated was because he wasn't a big part of the group and my concerns for his lack of socializaton skills. In our case we had a very happy first week without the frustrating behaviour that we have endured for a year and a half.

If you have to terminate a child who is a part of the group and plays well with the others and they like the child a lot then a longer conversation would be necessary and probably a week or two of letting them adjust to the change. It's a lot like having a new child join the daycare, it's just an adjustment period for all.

I have had children go off to JK who were a big part of the group and the children asked about them for months but thankfully they all come back to visit so I can always tell the children that we will see their old friend again soon.

Good luck with your situation OtherMummy.

[Judy Trickett]

Usually when you terminate a child and give two week's notice the child never returns. Most parents do not want their child in the care of someone who doesn't really want them there. I have never terminated with notice and actually had a kid return to care. So, honestly, I wouldn't worry from that standpoint.

Kids are resilient. They'll get through it.

[kidlove]

I have terminated a few and had others leave due to age or other circumstances and in every situation of course, some will ask where the child is? or when the child will come again, but just like anything else, over time they will think less about that child and ask less of where they are. no big deal as far as losing a playmate, the sooner kids experience natural situations such as having good friends leave, the sooner they can cope with the way the world works. It a part of life, having friends come and go! they get over it! :)

[monkeymama]

I recently termed a 4 yo dcg who had alot of socialization problems....when the kids ask about her i just remind them how often she cried and was upset here and monkeymama and dcg mom decided she would go to another daycare where she could be happier. my dck accepted this.

[Momof4]

Judy is right. The family I terminated and offered the 2 week notice as per my contract emailed me on the weekend to say they would not return at all. I can't imagine how awkward and sad it would be if they did come for the final two weeks but I'm sure sometimes it happens because they need time to find another daycare.