Refuses to say sorry

[torontokids]

My almost 3 y o daughter refuses to say "sorry." She will push her sister, go on time out but won't apolagize. Even when she hurts someone by accident she won't apolagize. I will keep her from getting to do a desired activity until she says sorry but she is pretty stubborn. I also model for her e.g. "you really hurt suzy, how does it make you feel when someone hurts you?" I really praise other children when they say sorry.

Do you make kids say "sorry?" What else should I try?

[sierra]

Well what I do is keep the child on time out until they say sorry. Every 3 min I ask if they are ready to say sorry until it is finally done.

[BlueRose]

Well what I do is keep the child on time out until they say sorry. Every 3 min I ask if they are ready to say sorry until it is finally done.
I do the same. It once took the kid 3 hours before she said she was sorry and could rejoin the group.

[DisneyPrincess]

Yeah if she is 3, she should be able to say she's sorry, and I even ask them why are they in timeout. 2 y.o. I also ask that they say sorry to the other kid, although sometimes its a mumble, its a start. Timeout rules: 1 min per age and you stay until you say sorry.

[Crayola kiddies]

I don't make kids say sorry unless its an accident because it ends up being like a get out of jail card ....a child will push/ hit/throw toy at/ect another child and then he's says sorry so he thinks its ok. It's not ok .... You can't be mean to your friends and then say sorry and think its all better. To me it's like saying do what ever you like but as long as you say sorry it's all good. Most of these kids aren't sorry some don't even know what it means and its just a word that they have been programmed to say.

[momofnerds]

I don't make kids say sorry unless its an accident because it ends up being like a get out of jail card ....a child will push/ hit/throw toy at/ect another child and then he's says sorry so he thinks its ok. It's not ok .... You can't be mean to your friends and then say sorry and think its all better. To me it's like saying do what ever you like but as long as you say sorry it's all good. Most of these kids aren't sorry some don't even know what it means and its just a word that they have been programmed to say.

yes I have found this too.

[playfelt]

I don't force the I'm sorry either. I do not like it when kids just mimic platitudes like robots. The truth is they are not sorry. They meant to do it and that is that - why force them to lie. Getting them to admit that what they did was wrong, not a nice way to treat a friend etc. is ok. But the children need their space and forcing the one to get in the face of the other and rehash what went on before for only a split second is like goading the other one into remembering to retaliate and there it escalates. What is done is done.

I am the same with most of those things we take as manners. I use them but I don't expect the kids to use them till they comprehend what they mean. Most will pick them up and just do it but I don't stand there holding out on giving them something till they say please and thank you. Again it has to be a learned response to have some meaning. Until children are 7 they have not reached the age of reason where they can deal with these kinds of abstract concepts with meaning so until then it is just practiced ritual.

[torontokids]

I am actually more inclined to agree with playfelt. I have only been "making" my daughter say sorry to support my husband who feels pretty strongly about it. I see that it is clearly not effective and we chatted at length yesterday about it. I do feel there needs to be a consequence for her behaviour (pushing sister) but saying "sorry" is just her doing what we say and means nothing. I have been teaching her to ask for help instead of pushing as the trigger is usually little sister touching something/bugging her. I think our trying to make her has back fired as she won't say sorry for things she would have in the past e.g accidentley bumping someone. I do most of the child rearing and it's usually my way. I think this worked out well as I gave my husband his way, it's not working so we get to do it my way afterall and he still feels valued

[momofnerds]

also making kids hug their friends don't work either. I've had littles hit their friends and then hug them when they start to cry. I try and respect the kids space, not every child likes to be hugged (my odd is like this) its just the way they are.

[smileyface]

My rules are 1 minute per year old in time out and they have to say sorry afterwards. The reason for saying sorry is that when you say sorry you are admitting that what you did was wrong and you are taking responsibility for that. Even if the child meant to hurt someone at the time, going back and saying sorry means the child is taking responsibility for his/her own actions and admitting they were in the wrong. Too many people nowadays don't bother to ever say their sorry even when they know what they did was wrong! I think it is important to go back and make amends with the people we have wronged, and that's why I enforce them to say sorry after their time out. Even if they shout out sorry before the time out, they still go in a time out (consequences for their actions).

[Skysue]

Sorry ladies I totally disagree, they will and should say sorry in my care. Kids know right from wrong at a very early age, my kids will sit when they deliberately hurt their friends on a time out. A minute per age doesn’t work either so I will gauge it depending on there age.

Taking privileges away I think is a more appropriate method. i.e. not allowing them to watch a quite time video or not allowing them to play with a specific toy…

We say sorry in my care and we hug, if it was an accident then I ask them to think about how they would feel if it happened to them and usually a big sorry will come next.

If they are on a time out for hurting deliberately you better believe they will be saying sorry.

[Skysue]

also making kids hug their friends don't work either. I've had littles hit their friends and then hug them when they start to cry. I try and respect the kids space, not every child likes to be hugged (my odd is like this) its just the way they are.

In this case then you respect there space but find a way to communicate that your sorry in a way that they can feel safe. A hand shake, high five etc...

[gcj]

I make the child do a time-out (if it was intentional, of course) and apologize. They will not leave timeout until we've discussed what was wrong AND the apology is made. It's just common courtesy and teaching good manners. I don't feel it's a "get out of jail free card" or and eraser of what they've done, because they are also doing the timeout. You can't go around bumping into people (even accidentally) and not saying a word.....it's rude and they're old enough to learn that.

[playfelt]

Kids refuse to say sorry because they can. It is like not going potty or to sleep or not eating. It is something they can control and they use it cause they know it makes the adult mad.

Making the child continuously say sorry doesn't address the issue. Why should she be sorry for protecting what is hers. It is up to you as the adult to keep the younger sibling out of her way either by sectioning off one of them or providing a higher surface for play or closer supervision or giving the older child an appropriate thing to do when her sister comes such as moving around to be between her sibling and the work she is doing so the sister can't touch it. We need to spend more time teaching coping skills and when we do the negative problems disappear because they have a method for handling them.

[Crayola kiddies]

Exactly this play felt ..... Don't say sorry because you shoved your friend .... Stop shoving your friend ..... I have a dck that constantly pushes and as soon as I look at him he says sooooorrryyyyy in the most sarcastic tone .... He doesn't mean it ... He's been programmed to say it .... It doesn't cut it in my day home .... You get the punishment ... What ever works for the particular child ... Time out, not playing with the toy for the rest if the day , not allowed to do craft .... You have to know that child's particular currency, and what's going to make a difference to them , for my own child all I have to say is " I'm very dissapointed in you" In my opinion sorry is reserved for accidents.

[mom-in-alberta]

I think that you can ask a child to say sorry, AFTER the consequences have been doled out.
So: Joey hits Johnny. Joey goes to time-out (or whatever) immediately, while I comfort Johnny. When time-out is up, Joey is reminded why he went to time-out, and what is expected from him. I would ask that he go and give Johnny a hug/pat on the back, etc and tell him that he is sorry for hitting him. But I am not going to force him, because then you get the "SorryIhityou" without any kind of meaning. It is a way of making amends with our buddies, not getting out of trouble.
I used to care for a little boy (5 y/o) who would hurt kids on purpose and say "SorrySorrySorrySorry Sorry". It meant nothing to him. And all it meant to me was that he had done it deliberately.

[torontokids]

The pushing when little sister touches her stuff was just an example, there are other times this occurs. I agree the environment needs to be such so the lo can't touch what they are doing and these measures are in place. It is unrealistic to keep the lo always from the bigger kids and I'm not interested either. I think they learn important life and social skills with these interactions.

[playfelt]

Then you need to step back and let them work out a suitable solution on their own. If the younger one gets pushed enough she will learn there is such as thing as personal space. In the meantime try to always be there to move the younger one back a few feet and say we look we don't touch sister's work. Then keep reinforcing that.