Frustrated with dcm and looking for advice...

[zoomama]

i have had a dcm causing me stress lately and trying to put her two cents worth in while i write up a policy handbook. she doesn't seem to understand that this is my business and that she can simply review my policies and agree or NOT agree to them. it seems so simple to me, but she seems to feel that these business decisions are things we should discuss since her daughter has been with me for 3 years.

honestly, i am so tired of being questioned and pushed that i am ready to tell her it is time for her to find a different caregiver for her child. i love the child, but dealing with the mom just feels too hard.

when is input from a parent too much? how much input, if any, should one allow the parents when setting policies?

[Wonderwiper]

I'm not really sure why you would discuss it with her at all?????

I think most daycare providers show parents the handbook/contract and say here are my rules....take it or leave it.

[treeholm]

I wouldn't tell parents that I'm working on a policy manual until it is finished and I give it to them. If you have had her child for 3 years, you have enough experience in this business to be writing your policy manual without their input.

[giraffe]

Honestly... She is welcome to disagree with your policies. But you will no longer provide care for her child.

Stand your ground, enforce your policies! It is really hard but very worth it in the end

[Crayola kiddies]

I had a parent that tried to change my policy book .... He sent me a big letter saying " for the illness section I would like it to say this" ...... And .... " while I agree you deserve three weeks holidays I don't feel we should have to pay for it so I would like that section changed to read this ..." ... Bye bye !!!

[apples and bananas]

Is this the first sign of concern you've had with this mom? Usually after a client has been with you for a long period of time there's very little cause for concern.

Are there policies that she's breaking?

How does she even know you're writing one up? Or changing current if that's the case?

Re think how you've addressed this with the client and question if you've given them the impression that they should have a say in it.

To answer your question... the client has no say. It's my policy book for a reason and a client either follows it or finds another care giver. I hand it to them and let them know... these are the policies in my daycare. It's not up for negotiation.

[playfelt]

If up to now you have not had a policy book then I can see where the mom is coming from in the sense that she is scared. She wants things to remain as they are now and is afraid of what you might "change" on her. Her reason for interfering is to make sure that you aren't putting anything in there that she can't abide by. I'm sure she is very stressed out right now not knowing if she will still have care when you are done with your policy book or if she will be let go because you changed something and now she can't abide by it.

Maybe start by thinking of the things you want to put in your handbook that might effect this family and then maybe even discuss them with her. Often when we make changes we grandfather in old families such as new rates apply only to new families starting or closing hours for new clients are earlier but you still stay open for that one old family knowing they will be gone in less than a year.

There is nothing the parent can do in terms of telling you what to put in your book but the fact you are writing the book has her nervous and wanting info as soon as possible.

[Momof4]

I'm confused too. Is this the first time you are going to have written policies? I wouldn't let any parent be involved in creating my policies, they are things I learn about as I go through the years and they are all there for a reason. If a family does not like my policies then obviously they won't sign on at my daycare but they are non-negotiable and fair to all.

[zoomama]

playfelt, thank you!!! you hit the nail on the head and cleared up exactly WHY i am having issues with this mom. i honestly wasn't able to see it so clearly. i have not had written policies until now. i know that sounds crazy, but when i opened my dayhome, i was very green. i just "started" and things took off. i have had ongoing issues with this mom in general, always asking for favours here and there and not wanting to pay for them...texting me at 9:45pm telling me that her daughter won't go to bed because of her nap that day, and that she CAN'T NAP, can i keep the daughter an hour late until dcd gets off work.

the reason she knows i am writing a policy book is because up until now i have always asked for monthly payment at the END of the month. i have never taken sick days or personal days with pay. when i joined this forum, i realized how blessed i have been to never get shafted with payment and to have generally amazing parents as clients. i also realized how important it is to have a policy book in place, both for my sake and for the parents sake. it clears up so many of the little issues that otherwise cause constant frustration and irritation for both parties.

so in order to give parents (mostly teachers) notice that i will be asking for payment at the 1st of each month next year so they can budget for that during summer, i sent out an email stating this would be my new method. i received a reply from the mom concerned about reimbursement for days i might be sick if payment has already been given. it was clear she did not want to pay for any sick days and was covering her bases. i then said i am in the process of writing a policy book and that all of that will be addressed in it.

playfelt hit it when she said this mom is scared and wanting to make sure i will not put things in the policy that she is not happy with. she has offered to give me other handbooks to "help" me, and also sent me the alberta dayhome guidelines (for accredited dayhomes while i am a private dayhome). after doing this awhile, it is pretty easy to know the things needed in a policy book. i feel frustrated with the situation, but i know what i need to do is just to disengage in all dialogue on this matter, write my handbook, let her review it and stand by my decisions.

thank you all so much for your input. i feel like i'm finally getting control over my life with putting this in place. what might seem so obvious to others has taken me time to sort out. thankfully, i have had mostly wonderful families and great kids to handle this learning curve with me. :)

anyway, sorry for the long post. just wanted to clarify. i am so thankful for this forum. it gives me the confidence to know the general standards, to know my expectations are realistic, and to feel i am not alone with these types of issues! i appreciate you all!

[apples and bananas]

I think it's great that you are finally taking control. I opened with out policies as well. Now.. I have them. But I never implemented them with existing families... I just moved forward with new ones and eventually all the origionals turned over.

Whatever you do... stick to your guns! Give lots of notice and expect that someone may leave because of it.

[Artsand crafts]

When I started I just had a contract for parents with the basics. A few months ago that I joined this forum and thanks to the wise ladies' advice here I got to work on my policies. I never mentioned parents about the policies until they were finished. I just posted them in my web page and asked parents to read from them from there.

[zoomama]

thank you for that input, a&b. i was feeling a bit silly for not having this in place when i started. i totally respect your decision not to implement new policies with existing families, but i think i will just to keep all things equal. plus, the dcm mentioned above is much of the reason for finally taking the step of creating policies. ;)
all in all, i feel totally good about my decision and momentarily got caught up in her drama. deep breath has been taken and i will simply move forward with fairness and inner peace and let the chips fall where they will. i'm fortunate to be in a good position as far as being able to be somewhat choosy with the families i take on. :)

[zoomama]

Just in case anyone is interested in how this ended...policy book was handed to parents on friday. Frustrating dcm texted me SUNDAY MORNING AND SUNDAY NIGHT (both times while I was in bed) (this was addressed in the policy book!!) and they will be pulling dcg as of end of june. I can honestly say i'm. ..relieved!!! :)

[playfelt]

And exactly where does this parent thing she is going to find care and not have to abide by policies. Again she will abuse a caregiver and they will say enough and make a rule to cover that. For most of us we all started with a basic policy and then added and adapted as we felt we were taken advantage of. That is how policies develop.

[Momof4]

Zoomama, feel very proud of yourself and don't worry about it. Not all families are happy with the policies we implement at our daycares. That's why they have to interview several of us and choose the ones who match their plans and expectations.

I started out without a contract too but by the end of my first year I knew it was really important to have all the policies in place and to stop letting controlling people walk all over me. That sounds like your client and I'm glad you aren't going to be sad to see them go. Great job!

[daycaremum]

Good riddance. You know how you want to run things and if she can't agree with what you have asked it is good she is going elsewhere. I have had parents sign on in the past agreeing to everything until a late fee applied to them, at which point they are upset and left. Better you know right away they aren't willing to follow your rules instead of them signing and causing issues later.

[zoomama]

Update...dcm texted me yesterday morning giving me 3 days notice that dcg would be gone BEGINNING of june!! Major confirmation that it's high time I have policies/deposits/contacts in place!!!

[heartsinit]

I am right there with you. I see why some people might ask, "why would you discuss it at all", but it sounds like you are an open minded person who values others opinions. In doing so you are able to make good decisions with all the info. The parent is lucky to work with someone who is conscious of the 'parents side' of the equation. Unfortunately too many people take this as a sign of weakness and begin to steam roll you with their ideas. They loose respect for you along the way, and BANG! Your resentment begins to build. Terrible combination for anyone in childcare. I have developed 2 techniques to battle this dilemma.
1. I have learned to take my interviews very seriously and tried to start listening to my gut when I start to get the feeling that I am dealing with an "Alpha Mom". It is hard to do. The thrill of filling a position is always so enjoyable, and of course everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning, BUT you have to remember, that 'Alpha Moms" rarely respect anyone other than themselves and only 'pat those on the head' that simply agree with them constantly. In the past I have tried to 'work' with them and in doing so began running my business and conducting myself in a way that didn't work for me and felt incredibly awkward. Shutting down my typically 'open' nature and having to steal myself against their constant attempts to control me was incredibly stressful. MUCH worse than anything the kids could throw at me.
2. I look for parental input by examining the conversations they have with me. I don't directly ask anything related to the business. (ex: I need to know if my hours are sufficient so I will ask, "how are you finding your commute home from work?" Make up a reason you want to know. Your heart is in the right place, unfortunately you cannot expose it : (

Good luck.

Have I mentioned how refreshing it is to find a forum where people can talk openly about the stresses of this job without fearing gossip! LOVE IT!