A daycare family BBQ??? What to do?

[torontokids]

So my one daycare family was super eager to host a BBQ for all the daycare families to get to know them etc, super sweet right? Well I am invited as well. I want to decline, from a business perspective it doesn't make sense to attend a social gathering of this nature. I am a bit torn though because I know the family would like me to attend and may be hurt if I decline. Also, the reality is when you are running a daycare and have your own young children, these kids are my kids friends. They are my kids only friends really as none of my friends/husbands friends have kids yet. So on one hand it would be nice to attend as I know my kids would have fun etc but I know it doesn't make sense from a business sense.

How do I get out of this?? They are holding it just before daycare closing hours on a Friday and live around the corner from me.

[Judy Trickett]

Oh, that would really bother me - NOT that I got invited (although I would also decline. I don't attend social gatherings with clients) but that a dcparent went and screwed around in my BUSINESS. It is really not the place of a dcparent to invite all the other dcparents. How did they get their info, anyway?

I would be LIVID if a dcparent did something like this. I make it a point to NOT have social ties amongst dcparents. Daycare is such a fluid business with kids coming and going all the time that I don't want parents hanging out together. It makes them think (wrongly) that they have a united front and a collective "vote" as to what goes on in my business. This sort of thing can only breed trouble.

[JennJubie]

I was thinking the same thing, Judy. This would really bother me as well... and I also would not like to be in attendance.

[Dreamalittledream]

I really don't see how you could do anything but graciously accept in this case? I would put some cool fruit kabobs together, perhaps a little gift (sidewalk chalk/bubbles?) for each child and put your best smile on for an hour or so. If these children are your children's only friends (as is the case with my own 3 year old son) do you plan to include them in your child's birthday parties? So tough to cross the line, huh?

[Artsand crafts]

I feel for you. I would not like to be in your shoes. I would find any excuse for not attending. When I send emails to my parents I make sure their email addresses are hidden so they cannot contact each other. Maybe a couple of parents will bump into each other during pick up time. Saying hi to each other is the most interaction they have sometimes.

[torontokids]

I agreed to send the email (I always blind cc) as I thought it was a nice gesture. I had thought about hosting one myself actually as I thought it would be fun. I thought better of it when I realized the conflict of interest.

Just to add some additional info

1) The parent asked me first about the BBQ. All my parents are wonderful, respect me, my family, my policies/contract and I know appreciate me. Plus I actually am lucky enough to "like" all my families as well. I have set my dc up as a business first and foremost and all parents understand this.

2) I think the family's intentions are pure and they are just looking to make connections in a city where this is hard to do so.

3) I am not sure about the birthday party question. That is a good question! I think though we will just have family parties until they are at least 5 anyways so this will be avoided on my own. If my kids are invited, they will probably go. I wouldn't go and hang out though, just drop my kids and go.

[torontokids]

Would other parents with young kids like to weigh in? WWYD?

[SongSparrow]

I would go! But I have a different approach than most daycare providers in that I am okay with creating personal ties through my daycare. We live in a rural area and I have always had my own kids in the daycare so we have been to lots of DC kids birthdays and playdates too. I guess from the sound of it that I have been lucky to like and respect all the parents I work with (even if I do question their parenting at times!)
If I didn't have my own kids in my daycare then I probably wouldn't go. Or be invited either I guess :)

[Sandbox Sally]

I have recently crossed business with pleasure and have been bitten in the butt. I began receiving texts and invitations from the parents as if we were friends, and I am totally uncomfortable with this (I also started getting flirty texts from the husband, and it almost turned into a huge deal). The parents have also been sending dcb over on the weekends and it now feels like I am working seven days a week. :unsure:

I strongly discourage giving daycare parents any kind of idea that you're friends. So much can go wrong.

[crafty]

Well ... it is a tough one. I have young kids as well and the daycare friends are also their only friends. Now I have done outings with parents as part of the daycare activities. (Only twice). It worked out well. My families are also very respectful and I like them all a lot. I could see myself keeping them as friends. However while I have business with them I like to keep our relationship as such as much as possible. I have never invited the DCK to my own kids birthday parties but if I were invited ... HUMM ... I think I would still go. I would keep the visit short and keep my distance a bit. You know ... Not get too chatty or friendly and keep it about the kids.

Although I see others point of view if your parents are like my parents I would not see it as a scheme or anything other than what it was meant to be. It does put me in a bad spot but I do not think the parents would have realised it. I run my business with a lot of professionalism but I also put my heart in too it because that's how I chose to do it. So I would be also happy to have been invited and if this outing brought any bad situations then I would also be ready and prepared to deal with the consequences and do what needs to be done.

So my advice is do what YOU feel is BEST and whatever decision you make, prepare yourself to deal with the consequences.

[DaycareLady]

I would go! I think that is such a wonderful idea, and a night where I don't have to cook?! Bonus!! I think I would feel left out if I didn't get an invite! However, I live in a very small town and all my "clients" are friends so far. They respect my contract and my rules but I have a personal relationship with each. My two small children are also in my care and all the daycare kids are their friends. My son is turning 3 next month and he wants all his daycare friends to come to his party, so they are all getting an invite. The kids at daycare form nice relationships together too, and are often each others only friends, I think it is nice if you could foster those relationships outside of care.

[treeholm]

I think I would have a previous commitment that night. I like my dcc just fine, and their families too, but when it's home time, I can't wait to get my quiet house back. I have no desire to socialize with them. They are clients, not friends. I do have two who work together and have become friends, with playdates on the weekend with each other, and I think that's lovely. But I don't really want to encourage them all to become a "group." I can see trouble there.

[mimi]

The first thought that comes to mind is the chats and comparing of daycare notes that will occur especially if you are not there. While I would not like to mix business with my personal time, you may want to look at this as a business event and approach your interaction and demenour that way.
This could be a way of promoting continued good will as a decline of the invitation to a group daycare event - even though you are not the one hosting - might be seen as a snub no matter what your excuse would be for not going.
You can go, you don't have to stay long and have a chat with everyone. This way if a snub feeling did occur with your absence, and lets face it, in a group, someone is going to feel that way and express it at least by showing up for awhile you can nip that in the bud.

[playfelt]

I don't see anything wrong with this because it is a daycare event in the sense that it isn't a family inviting you to attend a function with their family and friends it is just for the daycare families. I blur the lines on confidentiality in home care too in the sense that my families do know a lot about each other as it effects their child in the sense of knowing when the baby is teething and therefore circletime may be a bust or families let me know when I can share info such as they are having a new baby.

Also the family asked permission and that was the time to say thank you for the kind gesture but I make it a policy to not mix business and pleasure and to have nipped it in the bud then. Since you agreed to it happening then you sort of should go or at least put in an appearance even if you don't stay very long.

As someone else mentioned the daycare kids are our young kids friends and as such cultivating the friendships can actually make daycare go better as the group feels more like a family and the adults come to realize that what they do or don't do effects the whole group.

[Robyn]

I would go. The only reason these people know each other is because of you!
Enjoy it!

[AmandaKDT]

I agree with Playfelt, what she wrote makes sense. Approach it as a daycare function, go and mingle but keep it professional. I think it is similar to a teacher going to school functions, all the parents are getting together with the teachers and students in order to form a sense of community.

And unless you have something to hide, I wouldn't be worried about parents comparing notes. You have a safe home, take care of the daycare kids and have a parent policy handbook that everyone follows, correct?

Maybe next time you can be prepared with the 'I don't mix business with pleasure' explanation.

[torontokids]

Thank you all with your responses. I appreciate all your opinions and it is nice to see so much diversity in your answers. I am still undecided if I will go. Playfelt is right in that I should have opted out when it was first mentioned to me but it actually sounded like a great idea until I had a chance to reflect.

If I am to go it will be treated as if a business event e.g. make an appearance and keep it professional. I have nothing to hide if my parents all start chatting as the rules are the same for everyone. Plus I am sure all my families are quite happy with me and tell me as much.

[sunnydays]

I actually had this exact same thing happen a couple of years ago and I went with my family. It was actually quite nice and I know that all the families enjoyed getting to know each other a bit. In fact, they liked it so much that the same family hosted again last summer and I attended again. It actually did not affect my business relationship with any of my families. It did not become any more than a get-together and I was glad I had attended. I don't normally mix business and friendship, but I saw this as something akin to an office party...you go, you don't say anything you will regret later and everyone is happy you came ;) I will not invite dck's to my kids' parties unless they are no longer in my care...I have never been invited to one of their parties so I'll cross that bridge if and when it happens.

[cfred]

It's not the most popular answer, but I love having my daycare parents involved with each other. I've always hosted family events at my home for clients and have never had a problem with them comparing notes in any way that isn't completely positive. I also host 'Mother's Dinners' with the specific purpose of clients getting to know each other and keeping lines of communication open among all of us. My clients are all extremely comfortable with me and know me quite well. When they invite me to do things with them or their families, I happily accept. I recently got a ride to the airport with one family as we were traveling on the same day. They had even invited me to their wedding in Cuba, but my ticket to PR was already booked, otherwise I would have gone. Their son held my hand all the way to the airport, smiling the whole way (not bad for 3am!). Hell, I've even traveled overseas and gone on camping trips with some clients. I love it and would never, ever trade those experiences for professionalism. And you can be sure that while sitting on a patio in Honduras drinking wine, it got a little less than professional. But it was awesome!!! Everyone runs their businesses differently. Do whatever works best for you. BUT, I will say this - letting clients into your personal life can lend itself well to the business as it offers complete transparency to you, your personality and to theirs as well. I consider my clients to be friends.....so far, it's done well by me.

[Skysue]

I had a parent ask me last year if I was going to have BBQ, I danced around that question as I don't mix personal with business. With that said how can you not go? My fear would be what are they saying if I'm not there that just gives them way more freedom to talk about me and compare notes. LOL call me paranoid!

[Momof4]

You know, I think it's kind of weird that all the daycare children are so close and spend years together but their parents never become friends or keep in touch. Sometimes a popular child leaves and the others miss them so much for months but sometimes a child leaves and the others never mention them again. All personalities are different in children and adults. You obviously have very social people at your daycare.

The first thing that crossed my mind was that I hope you have enforced all your rules consistently and haven't let anybody have a special favour. If these parents are all talking amongst themselves about your daycare maybe it would be best for you to be there so they don't start comparing notes!

[Big Hearts]

I would not go. I like to keep my distance with this kind of thing. I don't need them to think we were friends, and I don't like them getting close either. I know from experience that even though you really like all the dc families now six months from now something happened and you kick them out now they can go and bad mouth you to the hole dc. If your in a small town or community that means word will spread fast and now your having a hard time finding kids. As for the birthday thing I have a small party at dc so kids can have friends to celebrate with but no parents. If the kids birthday is on the weekend the have the dc party on the Friday before.