Premature attachments and boundaries

[torontokids]

My new dcg I find has very inappropriate boundaries as she said she "loved" me within 15 mins of meeting me. I redirect her and say "no, you love your mommy and daddy." But she keeps saying it! She has had a very adult centric life so far and it is clear as she struggles with independent and peer play. She won't do something simple like colour by herself but will colour if I sit with her. I just keep redirecting her to play with her friends.

[sunnydays]

For young kids, "love" can mean so many things and in this case probably means "I like you". I wouldn't be concerned about it personally and would be happy that she likes you...it could be a lot worse..she could be saying "I hate you" ;) I have had daycare kids say they love me before and I don't correct it...who am I to tell them who they love or don't love...plus I know kids don't attach so many connotations and baggage to the word.
As for the playing, she will get it with time once she finds her place in the group and gets used to playing independently. It takes time if they haven't been in daycare before.

[monkeymama]

she might just be looking for your approval, or for you to say you "love her too." Ive had kids say it too, I don't make it a big deal. At this age, it is words associated with someone fun, who they care for, who they spend time with. That all encompasses a daycare provider.

[torontokids]

I agree and I disagree. She is telling me she likes me which is fine. What is concerning to me is she is also seeking my approval and I think it is just sad that this is how she has learned to do it. I don't care what anyone says on here, it is not appropriate for a child to want to kiss and say they love someone they just met. Modelling for your child to be loving and caring is great but there are also safety and boundary concerns here as well.

[torontokids]

Just to give you some background i worked with abused children for years and I am not saying this child is abused but I am concerned she is at risk for being abused when she seeks approval from adults so readily and feverishly and does not have any boundaries.

[Skysue]

I agree torontokids but at the same time please realise that she is just a child, when she says she loves you say oh nice "what do you love about me?" It could be something as simple as what she is allowed to do in your home that she's not allowed to do at home!

[2cuteboys]

I probably wouldn't correct her, but say things like "that's a nice thing to say! It makes me happy when you come here to play too!"

I'd also try to praise her for appropriate behavior, like "I'm do proud of you for playing so nicely with your friends" "you're doing a great job coloring." It should reinforce the behaviours you want, while showing her that she doesn't have to seek out approval.

It might just be that she gets only "you're so great, I love you" rather than actual authentic praise, so that's what she's after.

[playfelt]

I think the key here is not to dwell on the word love and never to use it back to the child. I wouldn't even say I like you but instead something like I think you are special too or something similar - sort of noncommittal while still being nice.

Please I wish people would post the age of the child they are enquiring about because this situation would be tackled very differently for a 2 year old as it would a 5 year old.

If you are really concerned then you should speak to the parents, mention the incident and how it made you feel a little uncomfortable because you have always trained your own children to reserve the word love for just family. That you are flattered that she is happy in your home and thinks of you as special in her life but that you think now that the child is venturing out of the home environment and will be around other adults that it would be a good idea to start teaching her when it is ok to say I love you and when she should say something else like I think you are nice.

[torontokids]

Sorry, 3 yrs old

[Skysue]

I have a question? Is it wrong to say " I love you " to a daycare child?

[sunnydays]

I don't think it's wrong...but I never say it. I guess I am more concerned with what parents will think. For some parents it would be no big deal at all if they are prone to saying it a lot to people. For others it might be strange if they don't say it a lot themselves. For the child though, I don't see any harm in it personally.



I have a question? Is it wrong to say " I love you " to a daycare child?

[playfelt]

Even if a child comes up and hugs me and says I love you I always respond I like you too - never saying the word love. At the same time I just accept whatever they say to me. By the time a child is old enough to know how to use a hug and say love they have been with me long enough we do have that kind of bond.

[sunnydays]

I do exactly what Playfelt described. I have no problem with them saying it to me, but don't feel comfortable saying "love" back because of the parent factor and any possible misinterpretation... so I use "like" or something like "Aww....you are so sweet" ;)

[apples and bananas]

I do not have the experience with abused children like you do. So I can't comment on that.

However, I think you have to consider that although she's only known you for a short time, she's probably been hearing about you since the day her parents introduced the thought of going to you for daycare.

Kids repeat. Maybe she's in a home that's very loving. I know a child who used to say goodbye to everyone she met with "bye bye, love you" Because that is the phrase they used at home.

I might not repeat it back to her, but I might say "I have lots of fun with you too" I don't think I would be telling her that she doesn't love me.

I have learned quickly in this business that kids say stuff. And if you point it out, it get's worse and continues. I have one right now that says "holy moly!" at the end of every sentence. I'm hoping if I ignore it, it will stop soon. LOL

[Momof4]

Maybe it's as innocent as this - the little girl heard her parents say "We LOVE torontokids, we're so lucky we found her!" Don't worry too much at this point and I agree that as a Mom/Grandma I wouldn't want my own children/grandchildren to love somebody else as much as they love me, that just hurts. But you do want to bond with the daycare children andmake sure they know that you care about them a lot. So I tend to say, I like you, you're my good friends to the children and other such things so they know I care about them.

[2cuteboys]

I don't think it's wrong to tell a dck you love them, but it is my personal preference not to.

I'm not too forth giving with the word in general though. It's reserved for my kids, husband and family, I'll rarely dole it out to people outside of that. I think you can still show people (and dcks) you care about them through your actions and using different language.

Again, just my preference.

[torontokids]

My kids hear it about 30 times a day so it is important to me. Maybe that is also why I take it as a big deal when a kid says it. I also reserve it for family and do not say it to dcks