What is it about men when they turn 40?

[Skysue]

Please tell me there will be light at the end if the tunnel.

My DH is grumpy all the time, only cares about sex. I know a 20 year old man is the same but they work for your affection but now he does nothing to make me feel special. He expects me to look my best at all times, give him my undivided attention to him at all time but he ignores me and has no cares about my feelings?

Has anyone been though this or going through this or am I alone?

Feeling very sad and frustrated!

[mimi]

So sorry to hear you are going through this Skysue. My first husband was always about himself. I was too young to really realize I deserved better and had old fashioned ideas about having to sacrifice myself so that my husband would be happy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Has your hubby always been this way or is this new behaviour for him. The wanting sex all the time could be from his feeling insecure about his age and his body image. Or his is just selfish.

The fact that he does nothing for you and cares little for your feelings is a huge red flag that something is up. I wouldn't speculate to what as you know him and your marriage best except to say it sounds like resentment to me.

Is there someone you can talk to about this? Is your husband approachable about discussing how you feel? Can you have someone take the kids so you can have a uninterrupted talk? This must be so disheartening for you. Please do not blame yourself or get down on yourself. Let us know how you are doing and if you like you can PM me for a more private chat. Take care hon

[Momof4]

Hugs from me Skysue. It sounds like he's reached his mid life crisis if this is new behaviour. I swear men have worse PMS and menopause than we do except for the obvious thing that doesn't happen to them monthly, but the hormones are definitely there.

[playfelt]

Yup and some of them take a long time to get out of it. For some it lasts forever it seems. They forget that we still have things we need to do around the house that takes all our time, attention, energy. They become harder to care for than our kids. But if you can hang in there it does go away for the most part although yes it is like they have a monthly cycle of laziness/depression/anger/not sure what mood to label it and then life gets good again - till next time.

Glad to say I am at the other end of the tunnel now but it sure was a dark rough ride through it.

[Skysue]

Thanks for your kind words mini, he has always been sort of about himself as he is an only child. With that said though he used to do his share of things and he looked forward to be doing nice things for me.

It seems he has been on this road for a little over 3 years, he left a job in IT to pursue a career as a Police Officer but he isn't getting hired. :( its a very competitive field. I used to be his biggest cheerleader and gave up my dream job as a Flight Attendant so I could stay home with our DD.

I decided to do daycare one day and opened my doors in a matter of 3 weeks and filled my spots in less than 2 months. I think he resents me due to being able to achieve my goals with ease. I have been successful in all my jobs and always achieved promotions and pay raises.

His lack of motivation has gone down hill by 90%, his mom passed away in December and he seemed unaffected, it scares me a bit as I'm waiting for it to hit him? I am now doing almost everything on my own as he sleeps when he gets home from work and wakes to demand his dinner! I'm burning out as I just can't do it all anymore. I want to leave him for a short while to shake him back to reality but can't as I have a business to run and need to pay bills.

I have sat him down and told him if his career goals aren't working out he will need to find a new job that pays better, he is currently at a factory making not so great money but is there due to the short comute and great hours, 6-2:30pm. This way he has more time to focus on volunteering etc... But the thing is he isn't volunteering etc... I don't want to turn into a nag but I'm at a loss of how to positively motivate him.

Playfelt how long have you been going through this? I feel so alone as none if our well off friends have an ounce of what I'm going through and I can't bring myself to even talk to them. It suck to be struggling in so many ways when everyone around you goes on 2-3 trips a year, drive nice cars, buy designer clothes etc... I just want to scream but can't!

[mommylove]

WELL My hubby and me have been together for 16 years he is 31 years old so his mid life crisis is early, lied to me for weeks and started talking to another girl and then cheated on me......that being said some guy all the sudden become self and never get out of it and thats the case with me so sad we had a great life together and 2 beautiful kids and now its falling apart

[playfelt]

Well hate to say this but you are right about the 40's thing and hubby turned 55 this year. There are actual physical changes the man's body goes through that makes him extra tired etc. Didn't believe it myself but did a google search - kind of a male menopause thing but forget what terms I used.

It does sound like there may be some underlying depression from pent up sadness at play here too. Nutrition awareness and exercise - he needed supervised fitness to maintain the physical standards he needs in the military so that helped a lot as the more he exercised the better he felt.

[Sandbox Sally]

Well, if I were you, I'd terminate immediately. LOL making light, joking. ;)

So sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. I am, too, and mine's only 35. I really think men need to hear it all laid out sometimes. Tell him how done you are with this attitude, and what you need to have happen. I did that with mine, and he's been a lot better.

[torontokids]

My husband I went through something similar (he's 34). I think men sometimes are just so selfish and don't realize we have needs as well. I layed it out for him as Sally said and we actually had a really good chat about things.

One of the things we have started doing is having a chat every Friday night about anything that is bugging us etc because I tend not to bring things up as it becomes a bigger deal then I want and he doesn't bring things up because he just let's it slide but then it comes out in other ways. This has been helping us and if something happens that doesn't need to be discussed immediately then I get over it faster as I know we can chat about it on Friday. Sometimes I don't even bring it up on the Friday as it isn't a big deal to me anymore.

One of our biggest issues is my feeling that the kids are "my responsibility" and he helps out whenever. He has started doing things with the girls by himself and 1:1 which has made a big difference with our relationship and his with the girls.

[2cuteboys]

Can't offer any advice but I feel for you.

It sucks when you aren't appreciated for the hard work you do, and its hurtful when its the one who is supposed to love and support you.

[Skysue]

WELL My hubby and me have been together for 16 years he is 31 years old so his mid life crisis is early, lied to me for weeks and started talking to another girl and then cheated on me......that being said some guy all the sudden become self and never get out of it and thats the case with me so sad we had a great life together and 2 beautiful kids and now its falling apart

Sorry that you are having to go through this :( Hugsto you!

[Skysue]

Thanks everyone it just feels so good to be able to get it off my chest, I know we will come through this. Baby steps..

[Secondtimearound]

Sorry saw this and felt for you !!! I hope things have gotten better for you and dh has landed the job he wanted !!! Men feel defined in life in what they have or their jobs , maybe he was feeling not manly due to not getting the police career going ! I opened my dayhome quickly and filled it too and my dh was happy but he kept telling people about my 'little job' I think sometimes they are self centered and do not see what their words or actions can do to us . I have been married now for almost 26 years and definitely had my ups and downs . Life perfect forever and ever is movie talk lol it is hard work !!! And on a lighter note about the libido , my husband went through the same thing and we ended up with a 20 th anniversary baby !!! Lol ahh life is funny !!! Dd keeps him in check now !! Hard to be going through a mod life crisis with a toddler hanging off you !!! Bye bye sports car !!
Anyway I just wanted to let you know I was hoping all is well for you !!!