Little hoarder

[madmom]

I am having issues with my oldest dcb (3+years old) he has started hoarding toys, for instance at the park he will take 2 buckets and as many shovels as he can carry, at home he will fill a play purse with all the cars, super heroes, doll furniture and whatever else he can stuff in then proceed to hog the trucks to "drive" his toys all over. He is an only child who never has to share any of his belongings and is quite frankly driving me a little nuts! God forbid anyone else touch what he is "playing with" which is impossible cause no one can play with that many toys at once. We discuss sharing at length but he so isn't getting it. Any advice? I'm seriously going crazy listening to him yelling at the other kids when they try to play along side him. Do I separate him? If I give him toys to play with alone am I feeding the fire? HELP

[bright sparks]

I have a little girl who is 3 1/2 and for the last 6 months she has collected all of the counting cookies, so 10, and puts them in a purse and carries them around. She will not share so she loses them all together if she won't. What I started doing is sharing them out. I get her to distribute them between all of the group, even if they don't want to play with them and then what's left is for her to do with as she pleases. She gets two and after repeatedly telling her every day when we go through this routine, she is not allowed to touch any other cookie for the duration of the day, only her own, then she eventually got used to it. The result if she does try to get the others is that she is not allowed any play cookies for the rest of the day. She soon learnt. This age is about control, establishing independence,and doing what they want, when they want and making their own choices. I think IME it is a very normal thing to do if for any reason they feel threatened. The collecting or hoarding of items is just a display of control. I have another 3 year old who carries books around specifically so the others can't have them, so he is instructed every time to put them back, choose one and sit down and read it. If he doesn't read it, he doesn't get to hold it and at that age, he is old enough to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable and why. It drives me crazy when this kid is trying to carry around 20 books at the same time as playing grocery store for example...seriously! !! lol

I have also stopped telling them to share, because when they want something the other person has and they wont give it to them they always start whining" They're not sharing". Here is the thing, if they have only just started playing with it they don't need to share it. They actually need to just take it in turns. The 3 year olds were told for so long over and over to share when they were younger, that now they use the sharing as a demand for a toy which just goes to show that they do not understand the concept and true meaning of sharing, hence why I now tell them its kind to take it in turns and I guesstimate a 5 minute time period before someone has to hand it over and play with something else. Sometimes I just get them to swap toys too. They of course sulk at first and even now knowing the rules, these particular two occasionally still go off in a mood, but I find the key to reducing the frequency of this is consistency and also ignoring their response. I don't even redirect them when they are upset, because it is important for them to learn that to feel that way is okay and to understand that the other child is not doing anything wrong if they are playing with an item and don't have to always immediately hand it over just because the other demands that they share.

I don't think you should separate the child. Its discipline for his behaviour but isn't teaching him to deal with this kind of situation and ultimately get over it.

Hope some of my experience proves helpful in dealing with this.

[apples and bananas]

I have had several do this. It always seems to be around the 2.5 years old age.

I make sure everyone knows that the toys are MY toys and I'm happy to share them with them. If kids fight over a toy in my house then the toy gets put away and no one plays with it. If someone is hoarding toys and they refuse to share then the toy is taken away.

They learn really quick that if they're not willing to give up the toy they're trying to hoard, no one gets to play.

[playfelt]

By setting the toys up in centres of related items it stops one aspect of the hoarding in that if you want to play with the purse then you must stay in the doll area - stuff whatever food, dishes, doll clothes you want in the purse but that is all that is available for stuffing. If you want to play with cars and blocks then you stay in that area to do it.

I started that rule for a similar reason in that I had kids being bullies by taking a toy they knew another child liked to play with and then using it - while imaginatively like the blocks or cars were veggies in soup - but it wasn't about making soup and more about hogging the blocks and cars so others couldn't use them. I also hated the clean up because never made it back to where it belonged and the playroom was just a mish mash of bins stuffed with whatever was closest when I said clean up time. Limiting the mobility of different kinds of toys helped a lot.

Along with the sharing issue is also the issue of hovering. You may not stand there in the space of the child with a toy waiting for them to take their hand off it. Only after the child has left the toy in it's place and walked off can you move in and have a turn. Yes you may ask if you can join the child in play but if the child says no then you have to move on to something else and leave them to play. Again though it is ok to limit the number and breadth of toy any one child can hoard for solitary play.

When I have had a group of all older kids that were into sharing issues we used to play, then clean up and have a group activity then play, clean, group, etc. making 3 rotations per morning. When group was over I would draw names - in theory although I was really drawing the order I wanted so everyone got a fair chance to be first. When your name was picked you got up and moved to where you wanted to play. It allowed each child a fair chance to choose the favourite toy and also taught the others to deal with disappointment - cleaning up before though is key because it has to be put away rather than allowing another child to just take over someone else's construction or set up.

[Momof4]

Almost every child we have in care is an only child, so I don't accept that as an excuse. All children have to learn sharing and taking turns. Different consequences work for different children but the key is consistent consequences - every time without fail until they learn that their behaviour is unacceptable at daycare and will not be tolerated. Then your life will be a lot simpler, when that day arrives that the child realizes they might as well stop fighting you because you're never going to cave in.

I've had to talk to parents before about this problem and ask them to help the child learn to share at home too with their parents. Usually the parents are very helpful and realize how important it is that their child be able to socialize with other children. Daycare is just the beginning of their lives and we want to start them out on the right foot in life.

[betsy]

I have a little girl who is 3 1/2 and for the last 6 months she has collected all of the counting cookies, so 10, and puts them in a purse and carries them around. She will not share so she loses them all together if she won't. What I started doing is sharing them out. I get her to distribute them between all of the group, even if they don't want to play with them and then what's left is for her to do with as she pleases. She gets two and after repeatedly telling her every day when we go through this routine, she is not allowed to touch any other cookie for the duration of the day, only her own, then she eventually got used to it. The result if she does try to get the others is that she is not allowed any play cookies for the rest of the day. She soon learnt. This age is about control, establishing independence,and doing what they want, when they want and making their own choices. I think IME it is a very normal thing to do if for any reason they feel threatened. The collecting or hoarding of items is just a display of control. I have another 3 year old who carries books around specifically so the others can't have them, so he is instructed every time to put them back, choose one and sit down and read it. If he doesn't read it, he doesn't get to hold it and at that age, he is old enough to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable and why. It drives me crazy when this kid is trying to carry around 20 books at the same time as playing grocery store for example...seriously! !! lol

I have also stopped telling them to share, because when they want something the other person has and they wont give it to them they always start whining" They're not sharing". Here is the thing, if they have only just started playing with it they don't need to share it. They actually need to just take it in turns. The 3 year olds were told for so long over and over to share when they were younger, that now they use the sharing as a demand for a toy which just goes to show that they do not understand the concept and true meaning of sharing, hence why I now tell them its kind to take it in turns and I guesstimate a 5 minute time period before someone has to hand it over and play with something else. Sometimes I just get them to swap toys too. They of course sulk at first and even now knowing the rules, these particular two occasionally still go off in a mood, but I find the key to reducing the frequency of this is consistency and also ignoring their response. I don't even redirect them when they are upset, because it is important for them to learn that to feel that way is okay and to understand that the other child is not doing anything wrong if they are playing with an item and don't have to always immediately hand it over just because the other demands that they share.

I don't think you should separate the child. Its discipline for his behaviour but isn't teaching him to deal with this kind of situation and ultimately get over it.

Hope some of my experience proves helpful in dealing with this.

Yes, I notice that too in playgroups or at the park, a lot of kids think of "sharing" as an entitlement. They'll say, "you have to share" - which really translates to, "give that to me, now."
Some moms unwittingly tell their kids to "share" (give in) when another kid demands for the toy.

I want to emphasize learning to have patience, and to wait for one's turn as much as the real spirit of sharing.