Keeping your cool

[godsgirl]

Hey Ladies!
So this may be quite a touchy subject but I have a question on how you ladies keep your cool throughout the day.

I can't be the only dayhome provider who cares for certain children who seem to push your buttons ALL DAY LONG and no amount of timeouts, talking to, loss of privileges, rewards seem to work. With this specific boy somedays I have had to literally put him in timeout and just walk away because he makes my blood boil some days. The worst part is that he honestly isn't that bad. But he goes through these spurts that last a month or two where I am tempted to terminate him and then he goes back to being 'normal'.

I've had days where I feel my insides boiling because all the children seem to all at once misbehave or are crying or screaming, etc and I just say 'ENOUGH!! Everyone in your highchairs!!' and I buckle everyone in their seats so they can't touch each other, jump off furniture, fight, scream, etc. This way we all take a breather and just stop whatever it is that we are doing and reset.

I plan my day with snacks, crafts, sensory stuff, lots of outdoor time, and it just seems that it keeps them for a handful of minutes and then they take off again. My witching hour seems to be at 11ish when I am trying to get lunch on their plates (it's always pretty much prepared because it's normally leftovers so I can't prep anymore than I already am). I've tried giving them stuff to do while they wait and they aren't interested. The junky thing that seems to work this summer is putting the tv on for the 15 minutes to keep them stationary while I get their plates together. I hate it! But it buys me a couple minutes :( and then they start all over again and we are driving each other crazy again. I serve lunch and go into the bathroom to take a couple deep breaths.

Some days I ask myself if I am the only one who's home feels like a gong show when the dayhome opens for the day. I know that I am going through a slump right now (like any job. I've been open for over a year and all my kidlets have been with me since the beginning) but these past couple months I am using all my strength to keep my cool.

The worst part is that by the end of the day when the kids leave I'm completely spent and all my 'irritableness' gets dumped on my own family. I've heard that most day home providers quit within the first year and those who stick it out get better with handling all the stress with time. After almost a year and a half, I'm starting to feel the opposite but I refuse to give up because I know that I can do this and this is what I want to do.


Anybody go through the same thing? Do you have any tips on keeping your cool when there is so much demand throughout the day?
Thanks in advance

[Other Mummy]

Sounds like you are going thru a burnout/slump. I went thru this last year. You know what helped? I termed my nuisance child that grated on my nerves and was constantly pushing buttons and trying to get a raise out of the other kidlets. Perhaps you need to restructure your daycare? Term and replace a particular child that is not working out?

We all know this, but forget often. Make time for yourself. When the kids are napping, take some time for yourself. Do you nails, watch some TV, rest with your feet up with a good trashy novel or magazine.

This business is very difficult some days(weeks). Don't feel badly about turning on the TV whilst prepping lunch. I do this every lunch time. We watch a Disney movie for 20 min. while I prepare lunch, get the table set, etc. IF this is your sanity saver..while feel bad? Sounds like you run a very structured, organized and fun filled daycare. I promise if you turn on the TV for a few minutes while prepping snack or lunch, your daycare kids won't turn into TV zombies. Sometimes they need that down time as well. If it makes for a more relaxed and sane/happy provider than why not?

I can completely relate to the irritability at the end of the day. Again, perhaps a 30 min break between daycare closing and starting on your "family" work duties. The first year is the hardest. But it's not written in stone. It can be 12, 18 or even 24 months, but it gets easier as time goes on.

As far as keeping my cool throughout the day?? Chocolate and coffee keep me going LOL!

[KellyP]

I learned a long time ago that one bad apple definitely does ruin the whole bunch. When I find that one kid is the root of everything that drives me batty, it's either time to have a serious chat with the parents or it's time to term.

No way would I allow one child to affect the whole group like that. Bottom line is some kids are just not a good fit for your program. NOTHING wrong with that. It is what it is, but I certainly wouldn't allow one child's bad behavior to make my job something I dread doing every day.

Remove the issue and you'll find your happy place again.

[Kimangeline]

I agree with the above responses...I've been doing this for 14years and I still have those days! One child DOES absolutely change/affect the dynamic of the group. The thing about this job is also that it can be very isolating. Are there playgroups near you that you can go to? It's always nice to connect live and in person with other parents/providers. Don't beat yourself up for 15 minutes of tv so you can prep lunch. It's minutes, not hours...you're doing ok!!When I started doing daycare, my husband at the time would take over with our kids while I went for a walk or had a shower as soon as the daycare kids left. It gave me the 20 minutes alone I needed to regroup and be there for my own kids. You are absolutely not alone in this one!! take care of YOU.

[godsgirl]

Thanks guys!
Honestly, I can't tell if it's just this boy or if I'm burning out. Truth is, I had 2 boys for a year that were sooooo bad but as most of us do we think we can 'help' or wait it out. I ended up waiting it out with these 2 boys because I knew they would be leaving at the end of the school year and was hoping that I could be a positive influence in their life. I thought everything was going to be so much better once they had left. I purposely didn't take any more children for the summer because I wanted us all to have that break. Honestly, it was, for the first month and a half of the summer and now it seems that this particular boy and his sister (who is only before and after school) have upped it a notch and have seemed to take the place of the 2 boys I had just finished with. The last couple weeks I have been dumbfounded and left asking myself what in the world has happened to them (mostly this boy), myself, and even my son (he's starting to misbehave). I was hoping that it was just the end of summer jitters getting out of their system (all of us just getting sick of being with each other everyday for almost 10hrs and just wanted scheduled life and routine to get back on track) but seriously! School has been back in motion for over 2 weeks and things just seem to be getting worse and I just keep getting more and more on edge.

I will definitely be working on all of your suggestions in hopes that this slump works it way out. However, I do feel that if it keeps getting worse that I will have to terminate :(
I'm back at the 'well they are only going to be with me until the end of the school year' thinking but I don't think I can wait it out again like I did with the previous family. 12 months is too long to feel like this.

I'm hoping and praying that this is just a slump and that I am just being too sensitive because I'm burnt out.

Thanks Ladies for being on this forum and for being such a support :)

[Momof4]

I don't have any children over the age of 4, no school agers at all, so I think that's what saves me. Do you find the older children are the ones making you feel stressed? I've had the little tattletale, the one who narrated the entire day, the ones who are picky eaters, the ones who don't socialize, and so on and so on. All children are different.

But from day one at my daycare, even if a child is only 10 months old they are going to learn my rules, expectations and I'm consistent with absolutely everything so that they learn. I get exhausted and burned out sometimes too, definitely. When I have the kind of child you described I have to remind myself to treat them equally when it comes to kind words and hugs when I can hardly stand to have them around. Patience, perseverance, rules, routines, wow, it's really hard some days, I know.

To answer your question in a more definitive way, yes, when things have gone out of control I've cancelled plans and turned on the tv for the children, told them to play with the toys and have decided to give myself a break that day so that I don't break. Sometimes we have to take a step back and write off the day. Who says we have to be perfect? We're human too. When the inmates are taking over the asylum we have to let go of the trip to the park or the craft for the day or whatever we had planned. Maybe that's exactly what the children need, you know? Maybe they need an easy day too.

[Sassygirl]

I absolutely agree with all of the other posters.
First, get rid of your stressor! Its amazing what a difference it can make. I found that my stressor was the school age child(dren) I had when I first opened. Soon as I got rid of them and focused my daycare on babies it made a world of difference. Guaranteed 2+ hours break every afternoon to do whatever you want! I usually spend an hour cleaning up, doing paperwork etc, then the next hour I watch trashy tv that I PVR, read, or even have a little "rest" on the couch. Its very important that we take that time for ourselves every day! After business hours try and do something as well for yourself.
I initially was SO anti tv... However when you are trying to get something done like lunch, or heck if you are having a BAD day why not turn on the tv to give yourself a break. I am sure parents would rather you put the tv then snap on their child if you got to your breaking point.
Hugs!!! We have all been there!

[FSD]

Question for all of you...what if the "stressor" is your own 3 year old??!! :ohmy: I am counting the days until she's off to JK next September!!!

[Kimangeline]

hhahaha FSD...well that's a little harder isn't it?? can't terminate that one! I always found MY kids were the ones that gave me the hardest time...they know what buttons to push on mommy. Now that they're older, its' fine.

[Crayola kiddies]

Question for all of you...what if the "stressor" is your own 3 year old??!! :ohmy: I am counting the days until she's off to JK next September!!!

mine was ......I put him in preschool one morning a week which was a small break and he just started full day jk this year and I feel like I have been released from the looney bin ; )

[2cuteboys]

As far as keeping my cool throughout the day?? Chocolate and coffee keep me going LOL!

Amen :D!!!

I've had a rough couple of weeks too, a really frustrating end to last week. I've come to the conclusion that its centred around one little boy as well. I'm torn but I think eventually its going to come to terming.

I know that a lot of my stress comes from my own need to have things and activities organized and perfect, I need to just go with the flow and be more loosy goosy. I feel like I have a standard to live up to with the kids parents so I put added pressure on because of that. I'm sure they're just happy that their kids are safe and happy, but I tend to forget it sometimes.

[Momof4]

When I have a day that turns into chaos and everything is set aside for a play day only I tell the parents at the end of the day that we had a change of plans. I've never had a parent have any problem with that. My clients always respect my decisions and trust me to do what's best. They are all the kind of clients who can't imagine how I do this job with 5 children every day and they know that I'm giving their children the best of care and deserve a down day sometimes.

I admit to chocolate and ice cream as my naptime comfort foods some days too!

[DayHomeMama]

This is the exact issue I have been having in my day home! It seems like since my youngest dhk has turned 2 they have turned into a little monster. He riles up the other's under 3 and they go on a behaving badly spree of throwing toys at each other, climbing on things in the playroom and shoving each other off, etc. Time outs don't seem to work most days.

One of the older children constantly back talks and questions everything I ask, for example I'll say "okay guys, it's time to clean up the playroom so we can be ready for snack" and this child will whine (they whine everything almost) WHY???? So I ask if they heard what I said, "no". I'm getting very frustrated with most of the kids in my care, and I'm thinking it's just because of these two children, who shockingly are siblings.

Some days I wonder if I'm way too strict, but a. I don't believe children should be catered to and need to learn structure and how to do things themselves and b. I'm pretty sure there's not a lot of rules or discipline (ie. consequences for actions) at home.

Any tips?? Thanks!

[playfelt]

On the "why" this is typical behaviour for three year olds - they used to call it the whine and cry year in old baby books. Be careful that you only respond to necessary comments and ignore the other ones or you will get yourself into a power struggle you won't win and that is sort of what it sounds like might be happening. Yes child heard you. Make your statement and then leave it at that. One reminder specifically to a child if they appear to not understand what you said/meant after giving them a few minutes to respond is ok but don't harp on them. However logical consequences follow. You don't get to do the next activity till you have done the stuff around you etc. In the above scenario they may miss out on snack and that is ok since you made it available and you set the criteria for getting it and child chose not to make himself available for snack so not your problem. Not the way to deal with lunch but ok to skip snack. (for lunchtime give them a task ahead to get ready and then limit their access to only toys that can be put away easily - ie not lots of parts so it happens).

[2cuteboys]

I have a why kid too... If what I've said warrants a "why" question, I will answer 1, clearly and honestly ("we need to clean up because we're going to have snack next"). If they continue task why I will say "I've already explained why, please don't ask me again" once, and beyond that I will ignore. Again with the logical consequences like playfelt said.

I think it's ok for kids to ask information seeking questions, so I will answer the first "why?" But if they continue to ask after you give an explanatory response, it's either a power struggle or attention seeking, or just trying to avoid something they don't want to do, and none of those come without consequences.

[Daisy123]

Ah yes... I call this the "why merry-go-round"... it can be never ending! I also have a why kid. I'll answer the first couple if it's a real question but pretty soon the conversation goes in circles. I usually stop him pretty fast though when I turn around and ask HIM to tell ME why! And yes, he usually can tell me exactly why!

[DayHomeMama]

Thanks ladies, I will have to remember to not constantly answer dhb when he asks repeatedly. I do already use the consequence of no snack (or craft, or whatever activity) if they choose not to clean up. I make this very clear when I need to remind them of what task we are doing, cleaning. I say "You have to make your own choices, so you can choose to help clean up and then you'll be choosing to have snack OR you can choose to not clean and then you'll be choosing to not have snack" That works sometimes, other times he just looks at me and says "I don't want snack" and will walk himself over to the timeout spot and just sit until we're done.
Drives me batty, but I guess he's controlling what he feels he can.

[Momof4]

DayHomeMama, I stop a whining child from doing that immediately or sooner! I actually tell them not to use that voice, but to talk with a nice voice. I also talk to the parents about it. Do parents really want their child to grow up with the bad habit of whining? Don't they want it to stop as badly as we do?

We sing a cleanup song, would that work for you? Your why child wouldn't be able to talk if you are all singing. Maybe you could come up with a song for all the times when he drives you the craziest?

[Dreamalittledream]

mine was ......I put him in preschool one morning a week which was a small break and he just started full day jk this year and I feel like I have been released from the looney bin ; )
Me too!!! I can so relate to your 'looney bin' comment:)

[DayHomeMama]

Today again he said he didn't want to clean up, so I explained his choices and then proceeded to direct the clean up effort with a puppet. Well the kids thought that was SO hilarious and all pitched in no problem! Puppet for clean up time is now a must! :D I used Winnie the Pooh, as that's what I had, but I'm going to see if I can find one that's like a person and he or she can be 'Clean-Up Charlie'

[Momof4]

Great idea DayHomeMama, my dckids love finger puppets and puppets of all sizes. Mostly, I think they just like it when I act like a nut.

[godsgirl]

I know that a lot of my stress comes from my own need to have things and activities organized and perfect, I need to just go with the flow and be more loosy goosy. I feel like I have a standard to live up to with the kids parents so I put added pressure on because of that. I'm sure they're just happy that their kids are safe and happy, but I tend to forget it sometimes.

This is EXACTLY what I have realized this week!!!
I need to just live in the moment more and relax. I think I have been putting so much pressure on myself and think I just need to breath and realize that as long as these children are safe, fed, clean, and rested that really is all that matters. For instance this one boy that I have been having problems with refuses to put his own shoes on (he's 3.5). He is so used to his family doing everything for him that he just doesn't try. I used to fight with him every time we would go outside to make an attempt at putting his own shoes on and it always ended in me being frustrated and doing it anyways because we were sick of waiting for him. This week I've decided that I can't be the only one trying to teach this boy how to take care of himself it's really up to his parents. If he doesn't know basic skills when he goes to school next year it's not my problem so why am I stressing out about silly stuff like that. This week I have just been putting his shoes on with the rest of the kids and going outside is so much less stressful. Yay!

My husband has said that this week my whole demeanour has changed and I seem less wound up. Truthfully, I feel it too. I know it's gonna take some time to 'unwind' and not be so worn out but I definitely feel I'm well on my way. I've even placed written reminders around the stressful areas of my house (mainly in the kitchen for those stressful lunch times) to remind myself to chill when I feel the children pushing away at my buttons.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Thank you ladies!!

[godsgirl]

DayHomeMama, I feel the exact same way! I am going through the same thing so I don't have much advice but thank you for sharing. As I'd love to hear others advice as well.