How to terminate my neighbour's child?

[CrazyEight]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and new to home daycare. I have 3 kids of my own (5,4, and 1) and I've had a home daycare since the beginning of July. I have been watching my neighbour's 4.5 year old son since the middle of August and he's turned my life and daycare into, well, hell. Please tell me if I'm overreacting or if I should terminate, and how to best go about doing that.

A bit of explanation:
This boy, call him Sam, is in JK this year. He's an only child, and is incredibly destructive. From what I hear from the parents, school is not going well AT ALL. He hurts other children, refuses to listen, talks back, throws sand/rocks/etc at teachers and students, and spends alot of time in time-out. At my house it is even worse. I have my own 1-year-old and 2 other babies under 2, and I'm now worried for their safety. This morning, I had 2 of the 3 babies into my big bike-trailer-type stroller, turned around to get the third, and he pulled the handlebars down to the ground, flipping the babies almost completely upside-down. If they hadn't been buckled in they would have fallen out completely. The problem is his attitude towards things like this. He either doesn't care at all, or thinks it's hilarious. He has ZERO regard for the possibility of hurting other children.

He punches my older kids in the face with no provocation, throws toys at all the kids constantly, hits me, has huge tantrums when he is put in timeout, yells "no" when I tell him he's going to time-out, rips pages out of the kids books in my playroom, piles all the toys into the middle of the floor and jumps on them, has no idea how to clean up at ALL, trips children on purpose, the list goes on and on.

The parents are so blind it's incredibly frustrating. They claim "he's tired" and the teacher has "written him off" and "expects too much." Essentially everything is the teacher's fault, and their solutions involve bashing her behind her back and saying they should make the school switch him to another class. Every time he does something violent, like punching or kicking my kids or other daycare kids, and I explain to the parents what happened, they get this puzzled look on their face like, "oh, he did that? He's never done that before" kind of attitude. They have yet to apologize at all for their son's behaviour. I honestly think they don't know what to do either, so they have just adopted an attitude of "when we're not taking care of him, it's not our problem." He hit me yesterday when I put him in timeout for pushing the babies' highchairs over WHILE THE BABIES WERE IN THEM. (I just managed to catch one baby, I have her in a booster strapped to a chair, and she was about to hit the floor). This morning the mom actually made him apologize for hitting me, the first apology I've ever gotten.

She then asked about Friday morning, where he tripped a little girl in the schoolyard on purpose, and then acted astonished that he would do that. Within 2 minutes of her leaving, he was kicking my daughter at the table while she tried to eat her breakfast, throwing toys, and refusing to listen at all. His "apology" made zero difference in his behaviour.

In my opinion, the parents do not enforce consistent discipline, which is a huge part of the problem. If he won't get his shoes on when he gets picked up, mom puts him in timeout. He stands up and laughes at her. She immediately abandons time-out and tries to bribe him with going out for dinner. He laughs and ignores her, or screams "no" and tries to hit her, she she abandons that and moves on to coddling him and trying to do it for him. Then in the same breath says that his dad is "too hard on him" and the teacher is "too strict with him" and that's why he's acting out. It's ridiculous.

I've tried, for over 2 months, but any discipline that the teacher and I enforce is getting abandoned at home, where he is getting coddled and allowed to run the house, from what it seems to me. I was considering issuing a warning, essentially putting him on probation, but this is happening at school too, constantly, and I know nothing is going to change.

Sorry this is super long, but the parents are in such denial, how do I go about terminating this kid without having it blow up in my face? It doesn't help that we're neighbours, not super close, but our kids play outside together almost daily, and I have a feeling that mom in particular is NOT going to be pleased. They also have no idea that it's coming, but I can't do this anymore. I dread having him show up at my door, and it's hell until the bell rings and he becomes the teacher's problem. Then I pick them all up and it's miserable until he leaves. This is not what I want my daycare to be, and not what I'm comfortable providing the other daycare kids with. Help!

[apples and bananas]

I'll tell you how to terminate.

"dear parents, due to your sons aggressive behaviour and for the safety and security of all children enrolled in my daycare I am no longer able to care for him"

the end.

He would have been gone long ago from my home if I had a child like this.

I've only been hit by one child. It was his first day and it was very out of character. I almost didn't let him come back for day 2. And I let the parents know, if the behaviour continues not only will he be immediately terminated, you will come get him immediately.

You have a responsibility to all children, and to be quite blunt.... you are being irresponsible by allowing a child showing that much aggression towards the other kids to stay.

The minute he flipped that buggy mom would have been called. The minute he aggressively pushed that chair, mom would have been called.

Think of the discussion that you will be having with the parent of that baby when you explain to her that a child who has been aggressive multiple times really hurt their baby.

You have to put the safety of all children above your feelings about your neighbour and say good bye! Before someone really does get hurt.

[playfelt]

I would first start by bluntly telling the parent that everything the teacher is reporting at school is also happening at daycare but that it is worse at daycare because many of the children are too young to defend themselves and there is a great potential for injury. Because of that you are putting the child on probation for two weeks and if there is no improvement in behaviour you will need to terminate because safety comes before anything.

Then follow through.

[cfred]

Yep, I have to agree here. He's a threat to everyone's safety and a massive liability risk....not to mention the damage to your reputation should anything terrible occur. I'm excessively tolerant and put up with far more than many would....but this would be too much, even for me.

He should not be allowed back in your daycare at all, effective immediately. If one of those babies gets very badly injured, YOU are the one dealing with the lawsuit, not his parents....and your business is pretty much finished.

Upon reading my posts, I guess I didn't really answer your question, but maybe just reaffirmed what you already said....he has to go :) I think what A&B said was good. Don't worry if she's upset. You can't control that. Just be calm, collected and succinct. It might be a good wake up call for her. And how lovely will it be to not dread your job every day? Good luck and let us know how it turns out :)

[2cuteboys]

I agree, terminate immediately. The parents have had plenty of opportunities to work with you on it, and have chosen to remain blind this behaviour instead.

It probably would have been a good idea to discuss with parents when it first started (at the beginning of care, from the sounds of it) that his behaviour needs to change within a 2-3 weeks or he'd be terminated. From the sounds of it the parents need to get it through their heads that his behaviour is SERIOUS, something they've been unable to do thus far.

I feel like you could say "this is a final warning, the next violent outburst will result in the child being terminated immediately, and parents will be called for pick up," but honestly, what if the next violent outburst breaks a babies arm? It's much safer to just let him go immediately.

[Crayola kiddies]

Uuummmmm ...... NEXT...... That child needs to be gone from your day care TODAY.... You are risking your children, the other children in your care , yourself and your business. Terminate today !!!! Have a letter ready at pickup saying what apples said or similar .... Such as
Dear parents
I regret to inform you that due to xxxx aggressive and often violent behaviour towards the other daycare children and myself that I will no longer be providing care effective immediately.
Regards crazy eight

You can add if you will be refunding any monies depending on what's in your contract with regards to immediate terminations. Speak directly to mom or dad or who ever picks up and tell them to their face and then say I have put it in writing for you for your records. Have all of his belongings at the door and say good bye

[Mommy]

I had a similar situation with neighbors across the street. In complete denial. Every dongle day I would give the list and they would act in shock and say he's never like this at home. Um.... I live across the street and I see the way he treats you and his brother. Wake up. I have them their termination letter saying I've worked with you for said time and his behavior towards me and the other children is getting worse. He is not a good fit for this daycare. We haven't spoken since haha. Thank goodness. I didn't want our children playing together with an in disciplined bad egg. Your children's safety is more important then a ruined relationship with your neighbor. Do not keep this child another day. Luckily this boy was not hurting the other children like your dcb is. But he was on his way, so i terminated before it got there. When the parents aren't on board with discipline the child will only get worse. If I were you I'd terminate today. If he's there call them to come get him and say he's not welcome back. I wouldn't allow your children to play with him after this unless his behavior is dealt with. Bad behavior is contagious. Let us know what happens.

[Mommy]

Single day not dongle haha

[apples and bananas]

I appreciate the suggestion of some people to give notice... final notice... etc. However, when you are dealing with the safety of the children, babies in your care you must act on it immediately.

If a child pushed over a high chair (which isn't that easy to do, they're designed to not fall over easily) in my home they would be called for pick up and gone. I can not be everywhere and have eyes on all kids at all times. It's impossible. I may have the child back for a second chance, depending on the child, relationship with the family, but that's it.

[CrazyEight]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I knew the answer already, but sometimes it is hard to not talk yourself out of it without someone telling you you're in the right, you know?

I've drafted a letter...what do you think?

Dear XX & XX,
Over the past two months of having "Sam" in my care, I have run into numerous behaviour issues with him. As you know, he is very destructive in my home and aggressive towards other children. I know that he is having a hard time getting used to the routines and expectations at school, so I have tried to wait out this behaviour, enforce consistent discipline, and hope that things calm down and improve.

Unfortunately, this has not happened. His behaviour is now putting the safety of the other children in my care at risk and it is not something that can continue. I feel that "Sam" needs a daycare environment with less children and fewer distractions, and more one-on-one time than I can provide. Therefore, please consider this my two weeks’ notice to terminate care. I will be happy to continue having him for the next two weeks to allow you time to make alternate arrangements, making his last possible day Tuesday, November 5th.

Please let me know by this Friday (October 25th) if he will be coming next week or not, and if so, I would appreciate payment for that week in advance. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and please understand that this is not a decision I have come to lightly.

Sincerely,
crazyeight

[5 Little Monkeys]

IMO, it sounds like this child would benefit more from a centre. They have more staff which means more eyes and they can better supervise him. I understand your thinking in a smaller daycare but hdc's only have 1 adult and this child sounds like too much for 1 adult to watch and make sure that the other children are getting quality care plus safety.

Good Luck!!

[Crayola kiddies]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I knew the answer already, but sometimes it is hard to not talk yourself out of it without someone telling you you're in the right, you know?

I've drafted a letter...what do you think?



Dear XX & XX,
Over the past two months of having "Sam" in my care, I have run into numerous behaviour issues with him. As you know, he is very destructive in my home and aggressive towards other children. I know that he is having a hard time getting used to the routines and expectations at school, so I have tried to wait out this behaviour, enforce consistent discipline, and hope that things calm down and improve.

Unfortunately, this has not happened. His behaviour is now putting the safety of the other children in my care at risk and it is not something that can continue. I feel that "Sam" needs a daycare environment with less children and fewer distractions, and more one-on-one time than I can provide. Therefore, please consider this my two weeks’ notice to terminate care. I will be happy to continue having him for the next two weeks to allow you time to make alternate arrangements, making his last possible day Tuesday, November 5th.

Please let me know by this Friday (October 25th) if he will be coming next week or not, and if so, I would appreciate payment for that week in advance. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and please understand that this is not a decision I have come to lightly.

Sincerely,
crazyeight

IMO. It is too wordy ... Less is more. Also if i was the parent of this child and you were telling me that he is "destructive and aggressive" and " his behaviour is putting the other childrens aafety at risk" i would be wondering why you woukd offer to have him back? In my mind I would be saying it can't be that bad if she is willing to look after him for two more weeks.
If he is tipping kids over in strollers and high chairs you would be foolish and negligent to have him back after today. If I was a parent of another child in your care and I found out this was happening I'd pull my kid.

[torontokids]

I agree with the other ladies. I would have today be his last day. I understand you want to give him the 2 wks because this has been going on for a while and you haven't done anything as of yet. You are putting you, your dc kids and your children at risk.

If they "talk trash" about your daycare as a result, it sounds like anyone that knows this child will just smile and nod because they will know that he is the issue.

[torontokids]

You also need to grow some larger balls. "I would appreciate payment in advance" = pushover. If he is to come back (which I strongly don't agree with) then payment will be due in advance and you need to add a piece that if there are any instances during his last 2 weeks that care will be terminated immediately and their child will need to be picked up.

[apples and bananas]

Yes... too wordy.

2nd draft.

It is not your responsibility to tell the client what type of daycare the child will benefit from. Never admit that you can't handle the child " more one on one time then I can provide "

You have done nothing wrong.

Basic and simple... If you want to elaborate in person then that's great. But the letter should say just basically...

Due to Sam's aggressive behaviours, I will no longer be able to offer care for him. His last day of care will be November 5th 2013.

I am happy to offer you 2 weeks of care in order for you to find alternate arrangements, however, payment for the 2 weeks will need to be made in advance.

I wish you all the best in finding the right fit for you and your family.

Sincerely....


When you hand the parent the letter let them know, unfortunately you won't be able to care for him anymore. You are not able to watch him every second and he has shown behaviours that worry you when it comes to the other kids.

Don't mention school or what you think would help him. It's just factual. " This is why I can't, I wish you the best of luck finding someone who can."

Parents can get very defensive and you don't want the parent to be defensive when reading the letter. "well, she has no right to tell me what my child needs.... She doesn't know what goes on at my childs school" The parent will miss the point. The point is, the child is no longer welcome in your home.

Yes, we all needs to grow a set of balls on days like this. It absolutely sucks! But being taken advantage of, having another child injured in your care, getting stiffed for 2 weeks of pay... these are all things that suck more.

Good luck. It will all be over soon.

[smileyface]

I really don't think this child should be allowed back at daycare at all. He is dangerous and safety comes first. I have a clause in my contract that states if a child is presenting a danger towards myself or the others that they will be terminated immediately. What if this child seriously injures another daycare child? Those parents will be after you! They may even withdraw their child. I can promise you these parents will not be pleased with and will probably be rude to you, as they seem to be in total denial. Parents who blame their child's behaviour on everyone else drive me crazy! It really is best for all of you to just end it now. Honestly, once you give notice, chances are they wont bring him back at all. They will probably be all offended and angry that someone doesn't want their child. I have had to deal with a couple of unpleasant terminations recently, but my house is much more peaceful now that those families are out. I would just end this immediately. I feel for you! Terminations are an unpleasant part of this job!

[mimi]

I fully agree with the other ladies opinions. Safety first. Offering to continue care for another 2 weeks undermines the seriousness of the situation. Time for the parents to be parents and deal with their child. It is not up to you to worry about them finding alternate care. The parents have done nothing about the behaviour and when you ignore something this serious, it will eventually blow up in their face. Good Luck

[mickyc]

I agree with the other ladies. Terminate immediately! This should have been done 1.5 months ago.

I have a 2 week trial period at the beginning and if he had these behaviours from the start he would have been gone. This child is out of control and the parent's need to know that it and take it seriously. What he is doing could seriously injure someone and he needs to go today!

[Lou]

I am wordy too. I think your wording is just fine...is friendly, but professional and gives no "If's". I know you probably feel guilt over immediate termination, but I would issue it as well. Today should be the child's last day and certainly no longer than the end of the week. You owe it to yourself and the safety of the children in your care. What a little %#!@.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I would keep the letter short and to the point. If you want to discuss more in person that is fine. I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that you can not handle this child. We are not perfect nor should we pretend to be. I am here to provide care for the children but I am also here to help the parents raise their child and I would have no problem telling them that IMO a centre would be best and I would explain why I feel this way. We are with these children for the majority of their day and I feel it is my responsibility to the parents to let them know how their child behaves while in my care. I prefer to work with my parents to help get to a solution we are both comfortable with.

If you feel that you can safely allow a week or two of care so that this family can find alternate care than I would offer that. If you think that care needs to be stopped immediately than do that and change your policy to reflect this issue. You know the child better than we do so make the call that you feel is best :)

[AmandaKDT]

I have a behaviour management policy as part of my contract. It is given to the parents and posted at my daycare entrance. I don't know if you have this kind of policy with your parents, but it would be a good idea to start using it. Then there should be no surprises or guessing what to do as it has been already agreed upon.

Part of my policy states:

If the action/behaviour continues even though the child care provider has tried the previously stated methods of discipline (I lay out for the parents what I do - redirection, time-outs, etc), the child care provider will discuss the issue with the parent/guardian to seek their support.

If the action/behaviour persists the parent/guardian may be asked to withdraw the child from the child care home.

Any abusive, violent or aggressive behaviour that endangers the child, other children, the child care provider, equipment or building will not be tolerated. After the first offense, the family will be notified immediately. In extreme cases (physical violence and/or hitting) OR after the 2nd offense, the child will be suspended for 3 days. In the event of the 3rd occurance, the child will be suspended permanently without prior warning being given.

[gravy_train]

Ugh - sounds like a really awful situation.
I think your letter sounds really nice, but because the clients are your neighbours I think I would be more inclined to phrase it a little differently. As soon as the parents read that their son has behavioural issues they are going to get defensive and, based on what you wrote, they will blame you. Personally, I would bow out of the situation with as little drama as possible. If I was in your position I think I would talk to them about it tonight and say something like, "you know, I really like having you as clients and I think Sam is a great kid but it is not working out. He isn't getting along well with the other children in the group and as you know has hurt them. I am not able to give him the care that he needs while maintaining the safety of everyone in the group." And then I would write a short and concise letter outlining that as of XXX date you are no longer able to provide care for Sam.
Does your contract address termination? Do you have to give notice?

[Blackcat3168]

I agree that shorter is sweeter but I do wonder if OP is not trying to be a bit "gentler" than normal about this because the family are her neighbors....a bad term would make neighbor-relations a bit uncomfortable.

[busydaycarelady]

Oh my! I had a child EXACTLY like this, only she was almost 8. Parents were in complete denial. Their child's behavior was everyone's fault BUT the parents or child.

I agree with everyone else. Immediate termination. It's tough, but boy will your life improve. You've tried talking to the parents, who do nothing. Perhaps this will be the wake up call they need. I would go with a short letter. They know what their kid is doing wrong, you've already told them. Mine went something along these lines:

Due to xxxx's ongoing behavioral issues, I will no longer be able to provide care for xxxx effective immediately. I wish xxxx all the very best in the future. If you have any questions or concerns, please do no hesitate to contact me.

Be prepared for the parents to possibly be rude towards you because they're angry. You've done nothing wrong and have tried your best. The parents need to step up and parent because all the awesome guidance in the world from a daycare provider will Not make an ounce of difference unless mom and dad reinforce it at home. Be strong and best if luck to you! It's tough but the right choice. Keep us updated!

[CrazyEight]

Dad just came to pick him up and I recounted this morning's stroller incident, and said that unfortunately it's now become a safety issue. I said I would take him the rest of the week to give them a chance to find alternate care, but after that I'm done. He actually took it pretty well, said "ok" and that was that. I expect when mom gets home in an hour I'll get an earful, and she does morning dropoffs, so if they do bring him tomorrow, that should be interesting.

I have 2 other dcps (both have 2 kids in my care), one set of parents are friends with my neighbour, and seem to accept the parents' attitude, but the other set have a child in this boy's class at school, so they know everything that's going on here and at school. I told the mom when she got here that he'll be gone after this week, and I apologized for allowing him to stay this long. She was great about it, and I'm practically doing a jig :)

[gravy_train]

Good for you! Have a relaxing night :-)!

[playfelt]

Glad to hear at least the first part went well. Dad knows and is not getting through to the mom either. He might just be glad that this has happened as now he has proof of sorts that something needs to change. Good luck with mom and hope in a way she addresses it tonight and not wait till the morning and boy and others are around.

[CrazyEight]

Exactly. Of course, it helped that when Dad picked him up, he threw a tantrum, tried to squeeze the cheeks in of the 3-year-old I have, hit dad and refused to put his shoes on. Kind of reinforced the whole thing quite nicely.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Yayy, glad to hear this went well with dad. I agree with Playfelt, hopefully mom gives you a call tonight so that you do not need to discuss this in front of the child and the other children. Sometimes parents need a wake up call like this to realize that they need to change their parenting.

[mimi]

Crazy Eight, I had to chuckle when you said Dad didn't have a bad reaction. His child is having a trantrum, abusing another child and his father and is being unco-operative. LOL what was he going to do, say you were exaggerating?
Do a happy dance kiddo............Lor d knows you deserve it!!

[CrazyEight]

Dad just knocked on the door and said they won't be needing me this week now. My guess is they called the grandparents...but I'm free! Thanks everybody!

[Lou]

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice!!!! Did he seem friendly when he came knocking?

[CrazyEight]

He was ok. Obviously not happy, but I'll take what I can get. I'm actually looking forward to the other kids coming tomorrow! I think it will make a huge difference with the general attitude of my group.

[mickyc]

Hooray!! Have a great day tomorrow!

You will wonder how you ever managed to last that long now that he is gone. So glad things worked out for you.

[DayHomeMama]

I've had issues with aggression in my day home as well, not to this extent thank goodness! SO glad to hear you we're able to term dcb with minimal drama!! Hope everything is going smoothly now :)

[FunnyFarm]

Good for you CrazyEight! I have a 4 yr old hitter in my group right now and I am counting down the days till they are gone in December! I just don't feel right terminating their care so close to them being gone.... The family is high maintenance too. ugh.... Enjoy your new freedom!:D

[JennJubie]

Yay! Glad to hear you're going to get some peace!