Do you find your 'house rules' differ greatly from your day home families?

[DayHomeMama]

I'm wondering if I'm the only one having behavioural/disciplinary issues/conflicts with their dhf? I'm getting very frustrated by the behaviours of a few of my dhc, two in particular are very defiant, talk back, eye roll, generally disrespectful, imo. I've seen first hand that these dhc's parents (two seperarate families) let this behaviour slide.
One dhp talks a good game, but generally has empty threats, so when this dhc is in my care we conflict almost daily as I do not tolerate disrespectfulness.
The other dhp has an excuse for any issues I bring up "dhc is tired" or "we just ignore it so the dhc doesn't get attention for it" I've seen on more than one occasion that this dhp allows dhc to talk, imo, extremely disrespectfully to them, and then caters to what they are demanding/having a tantrum about.

How do you find working with your parents towards a common understanding of behavioural expectations in place in your dh? I feel I make it very clear the expectations that I have, but that they're not being taken seriously, or respected. HELP! I don't want to just term the families.

[playfelt]

I think our rules will always be different because we are dealing with a crowd not just a single child. Having said that there are what we consider basic rules that should apply everywhere for everyone and they don't seem to - the basics that result in showing respect for people and things, etc. I just use my stern or angry voice depending on situation and age of child and remind them that I don't care what the rules are at your house when you are at my house you will obey my rules and that means you will ..... whatever I expect them to do or not do. Kids can learn to have two rules and will have that when they go to school. Monday will be a reminder day and they get a second warning but the rest of the week they need to remember.

[gravy_train]

I present it to the parents as a potential safety issue and/or explain that the rules in daycare are a bit different from home because I am looking after a group. the safety issue comes into play when we are outside for example, if I call a child to come in, etc. and he/she doesn't listen and runs the other way it is a safety issue. I also have basic rules about manners and saying please and thank you that I enforce depending on the age of the child. I think that you are doing the right thing in being firm with the kids and consistently enforcing the rules, but you will not be able to change the way the parents deal with their kids.. and maybe that's one of the best lessons that daycare teaches kids - there are certain rules to follow depending on the environment?

[mickyc]

I agree! There won't ever be anyone who will do everything exactly the same as you. I am more strict than my daycare parents. I see how the kids become defiant and mouthy to their parents. They know they are never allowed to speak to me that way. I don't allow tantrums, bad behaviour, talking back etc. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen but they know that they will have consequences to their actions.

I quit worrying about telling the parents about these type of things. Obviously the parents let their child away with it at home and that is why they do it. I also am tired of excuses for the behaviour. I will only tell a parent if the behaviour has been bad enough to get a timeout.

[playfelt]

I don't bother telling the parent unless I actually expect them to do something about it. Otherwise I handle the situation at daycare in my own way and the children and I deal with each other. What parents do on their watch is their business.

[CrazyEight]

Oh man, the difference in discipline and expectations is driving me crazy right now! I have 2 sets of siblings, boys ages 5 & 1 and girls ages 3 & 1. It's easy to see that the boys are taught manners and respect at home; the 5-year-old might be a bit of a goody-goody, but he always says please and thank you, he listens, he gets his shoes and coat on when told to, etc. His little brogher is adorable and will share when asked at 17 months, likes to cuddle, responds to the word "no" etc. They're generally pretty good kids.

The girls, on the other hand, are giving me a ton of grief at the moment. The 3-year-old talks back whenever I ask her to do ANYthing, has an excuse for everything, and needs constant reminders to do anything. I asked her to clean up the basket of toys she was playing with in the kitchen this morning and she responded with "I don't think so." She's also extremely rough with the babies ( I also have a one-year-old, so she's here all day with 3 little ones). She shoves her sister constantly, yells "no" and rips toys out of the babies' hands, refuses to share, and it's definately rubbing off on her sister. She's 16 months old and already screams and pushes other kids whenever they come near what she's playing with, has temper tantrums when I put her in a highchair or stroller. From the outside, it's so easy to see the behaviour being learned from her older sister.

I find Mondays are always the hardest. They'v spent the weekend walking all over mom and dad (who have both admitted the 3-year-old runs the house) and then it's a bit of a shock to their system when they come back here and get put in time-out for pushing and shoving, or made to clean up before they're allowed to move on to another activity. By mid-week they've calmed down a bit and remembered at least some of the expectations, but there's only so much we can do when they go home and all the structure and discipline and manners evaporate and are not expected anymore.

I can't suggest much more than talking to the parents, but in my case, this doesn't do much, as they laugh it off and say things like "she's a wild one!" or "she's a spirited child!" It's incredibly frustrating...hopefu lly your dcparents are more receptive! Good luck!

[5 Little Monkeys]

I don't tell them of every issue I have here but I do tell them if they get a time out or if the behaviour is happening constantly. I don't think it's right too not tell the parents and have the parents think that their little janey/jonny is an angel because the dcp never has an issue with them.

The last group of parents I had was very on board with how I did things and would often ask what I did here as a consequence because they would do that at home too to keep things consistent with their child. They realized that their child spent more awake hours with me than them and were respectful of that. They were all older moms though and I think that may have been the difference. This new group is all young moms except for one and they do not discipline at all IMO from what I can tell. There are a couple dads that try but I don't think they get very far.

I also am more strict than most of the parents but we have to be when we have a small group to look after. I don't want the bad behaviour to spread!

[torontokids]

This is the case here as well. I am very strict and I have had one set of parents say that I am a lot stricter then they are. Their kid has tried certain things with me but gets corrected right away. With his parents he won't wear a jacket, doesn't nap, go to bed, eat etc etc...I have some issues with him but for the most part he knows my rules and follows them. It can be hard though having a child with little expectations at home and seeing that spill into daycare.

[DayHomeMama]

Mickyc, what is your progression of consequences? I usually remind/ask/direct once and then if they do not listen they receive a time out. I've had dhp complain that their child gets too many time outs, but this child is disrespectful, rude, physical with other children sometimes. I don't just give time outs for fun, but me reminding more than once is counterproductive I feel.


I agree! There won't ever be anyone who will do everything exactly the same as you. I am more strict than my daycare parents. I see how the kids become defiant and mouthy to their parents. They know they are never allowed to speak to me that way. I don't allow tantrums, bad behaviour, talking back etc. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen but they know that they will have consequences to their actions.

I quit worrying about telling the parents about these type of things. Obviously the parents let their child away with it at home and that is why they do it. I also am tired of excuses for the behaviour. I will only tell a parent if the behaviour has been bad enough to get a timeout.

[DayHomeMama]

Oh my goodness CrazyEight! That sounds exactly like my siblings, boys ages 4 and 2. The dhm's reaction especially. After letting dhm know that the younger one was hitting and screaming at the other kids she replied with "He's really coming into his own personality isn't he?" Um, WTF? lol


Oh man, the difference in discipline and expectations is driving me crazy right now! I have 2 sets of siblings, boys ages 5 & 1 and girls ages 3 & 1. It's easy to see that the boys are taught manners and respect at home; the 5-year-old might be a bit of a goody-goody, but he always says please and thank you, he listens, he gets his shoes and coat on when told to, etc. His little brogher is adorable and will share when asked at 17 months, likes to cuddle, responds to the word "no" etc. They're generally pretty good kids.

The girls, on the other hand, are giving me a ton of grief at the moment. The 3-year-old talks back whenever I ask her to do ANYthing, has an excuse for everything, and needs constant reminders to do anything. I asked her to clean up the basket of toys she was playing with in the kitchen this morning and she responded with "I don't think so." She's also extremely rough with the babies ( I also have a one-year-old, so she's here all day with 3 little ones). She shoves her sister constantly, yells "no" and rips toys out of the babies' hands, refuses to share, and it's definately rubbing off on her sister. She's 16 months old and already screams and pushes other kids whenever they come near what she's playing with, has temper tantrums when I put her in a highchair or stroller. From the outside, it's so easy to see the behaviour being learned from her older sister.

I find Mondays are always the hardest. They'v spent the weekend walking all over mom and dad (who have both admitted the 3-year-old runs the house) and then it's a bit of a shock to their system when they come back here and get put in time-out for pushing and shoving, or made to clean up before they're allowed to move on to another activity. By mid-week they've calmed down a bit and remembered at least some of the expectations, but there's only so much we can do when they go home and all the structure and discipline and manners evaporate and are not expected anymore.

I can't suggest much more than talking to the parents, but in my case, this doesn't do much, as they laugh it off and say things like "she's a wild one!" or "she's a spirited child!" It's incredibly frustrating...hopefu lly your dcparents are more receptive! Good luck!

[DayHomeMama]

Oh thank goodness for you ladies!! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only 'strict' one! *phew* I was starting to second guess myself, it's just been bad the last couple of months with one dhp telling me that their child doesn't enjoy coming here as much any more, sometimes to the point of being upset. :( But dhm is willing to work with me on reminding dhc that there are different rules at day home than at home and dhc needs to be respectful and do as asked and expected. Funnily enough, this dhc is the one I have had in my care the longest, you think they'd be used to my expectations and routine by now. But dhd has started working out of town on an on/off schedule, so I think that may be part of it.

[mickyc]

Mickyc, what is your progression of consequences? I usually remind/ask/direct once and then if they do not listen they receive a time out. I've had dhp complain that their child gets too many time outs, but this child is disrespectful, rude, physical with other children sometimes. I don't just give time outs for fun, but me reminding more than once is counterproductive I feel.

It depends what it is. I have the timeout chair as well as the couch. Timeout is for really bad behaviour, like hitting, throwing toys or having to be told multiple times about certain behavior.

If a child is being mouthy I usually give them a chance to rethink their behaviour and ask them to try again. If I get the same response or a similar one then they are to go to the couch and told they are not allowed to speak to me that way. If it continues then they get timeouts. It all depends on the tone and their behaviour at the time as well. Any child throwing a tantrum which involved screaming or kicking is immediately put in timeout. If they continue to behave that way on the time out chair the chair is moved into the nap room and they sit in there. It never gets to that point.

For the most part my group of kids right now is excellent. I don't have too many issues.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Oh thank goodness for you ladies!! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only 'strict' one! *phew* I was starting to second guess myself, it's just been bad the last couple of months with one dhp telling me that their child doesn't enjoy coming here as much any more, sometimes to the point of being upset. :( But dhm is willing to work with me on reminding dhc that there are different rules at day home than at home and dhc needs to be respectful and do as asked and expected. Funnily enough, this dhc is the one I have had in my care the longest, you think they'd be used to my expectations and routine by now. But dhd has started working out of town on an on/off schedule, so I think that may be part of it.

My almost 4 year old goes to preschool 2x a week in the afternoons and for awhile was telling mom that she didn't want to come here, she only wanted ps. I know that she has fun here but she does get time outs and I am stern with her. Her parents are not at all, she runs their household so much it's sad to watch. I knew that she was only saying that because ps was new but it did make me feel bad. However, she is now saying that she wants to come here all the time and wants to spend the night. I'm guessing the ps teacher probably got firm with her too recently LOL. Her mom has said that I am more strict than her and I have explained why. Dad told mom that he thinks she is spoiled but mom said they are her children and she will spoil them if she wants too. They are likely not going to change so all I can do is be consistent with her here. It must be tough for her though because she has different rules at home, at dc and at ps.