Pretty sure i am having a miscarriage :-(

[gravy_train]

I am so sorry for the depressing post but this forum has come to be a vital support network for me and your words and advice are so valuable. I am having a super rough day (couple of weeks really).
i found out that I was pregnant a few weeks ago - we were trying and were so excited and happy! This is my third pregnancy. I started having some spotting which has increased in amount and has turned to bright and dark red blood. I went to the ER on the 27, had some tests done and had to go back on the 29 to repeat the tests. The results were not encouraging, but not definitive that the pregnancy is over. Basically my hcg levels are not rising as they should and it was too early in the pregnancy to confirm anything via ultrasound. I was given instructions to follow up with my dr who cannot see me until next week. My daycare was closed last week so I was able to really relax and try to rest. I felt optimistic for a few days and then started bleeding again yesterday and it continues today.
I am going to go back to the hospital after my kids get picked up today because I can't go on like this - I am not sleeping, I am extremely worried about what will happen if I miscarry while I am working, and I feel in limbo.
I really miss having paid sick days in times like this. I can't tell any of my families what is going on because they will definitely start looking for other care options for their kids if they know i am trying to have another baby (I know I would), and I need the money.
To top it off, one of my kids who is apparently potty trained - we discussed on Monday that the child would wear underwear at daycare now, arrived here this morning an exhausted mess, wearing a freaking diaper! I changed him into underwear and he pooped and peed all over the place within 15 minutes of me changing him. He has been crying and tantruming all morning (probably because he is exhausted) and I am just about ready to give up, curl into a ball and have a good, long cry. I know that if I told my families what's going on with me physically they would make other childcare arrangements for a few days until I am feeling better (all but one family is off work this week anyway) but they will also start looking for another long term provider. I feel really lonely, trapped and kind of depressed :(.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I am so sorry you are going through this gravy train.:( I have not been in your shoes but I would suggest talking to a doctor ASAP.

Do you have any friends or family that could come over and help you throughout the day or at least just to keep you company and be an ear to listen? Do you pay into EI, is taking a bit of time off work an option?

[gravy_train]

Thanks, 5 Little Monkeys. I am going to the hospital after work provided that I can get someone to watch my own children.
I pay into EI but can't access it until June because I just registered last June and you have to be registered for 12 months before you can access it. I'm just really tired and super resentful of having to work through this (doesn't help knowing that all of my clients except one are on holidays but their kid is here).
I really need to find out what is going on so I can deal with whatever it is and get on with my life.

[apples and bananas]

So sorry, what's an awful feeling. I hope all works out for the best.

[gravy_train]

Thanks, apples. Hopefully I will get some answers tonight :-).

[busydaycarelady]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. I would definetely get in to the doctor, ER, Urgent Care, anyplace that you can who has a doctor that can help you get there ASAP. Your health, both physically and mentally is far more important than parents having to take some time off so you can get the help you need. Can a relative, friend or your husband watch any of the dayhome kids or your own for you? You do what you need to do for yourself to be healthy. That's important. Sending healing, peaceful thoughts your way.

[cfred]

I'm sorry this is happening to you :( Very stressful for you indeed. I can understand your concern about miscarrying during working hours. I miscarried many years ago. I'm not sure if all early pregnancy miscarriages are similar, but yours sounds very similar to mine. I didn't know that I was pregnant until the doctor called during my miscarriage, then figured it out....but, originally thought it was my period due to cramping, etc. I would say that, once you feel some cramping, it might be a good idea to book the next day off as a sick day. What felt like menstrual cramps intensified dramatically and kept me awake and in pain all night. Again, I don't know if they all occur in similar fashion, but I would suspect, as your uterus tries to expel it's contents, it might be tough to carry on with business as usual. You'll need the day to feel sorry for yourself, let your husband adore you and take lots of long, hot, soothing baths.

I hope it's not a miscarriage, but if it is, take your time to mourn then look to the future. A client of mine had a miscarriage earlier in 2013. She was devastated. She notified me a few months ago that she's pregnant again....with twins!!! Everything always lands where it should...things work out. It sucks now, but will get better :)

[Lou]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I went through this, and it is singlehandedly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The baby was our third as well, and started with spotting, which got heavier, followed by the tests and the awful waiting. I actually had an appointment with the Early Pregnancy Assessment appointment on the Monday following my spotting and tests, but Sunday I had the miscarriage. I was broken emotionally. I was only 6 weeks, but that baby's future was so real in my mind and so many plans for her were made in those short few weeks. Because I didn't know what to expect, and because I was so heart broken, I ended up taking the week off. None of my families batted an eye, and all were so supportive and caring. Hopefully, your little one is holding on strong, but if it is indeed growing his or her wings early I DO know exactly how you are feeling and I am here for you to cry/talk/vent/ask questions. Feel free to PM me. The only light in our lives was that we conceived my now 11 month old, two weeks after saying goodbye to the one that didn't make it. I'm here if you need me.

[Spixie33]

Oh my gosh - how awful for you. You must be counting down the hours. I can only imagine how heavy the weight is on your mind right now. It is hard to be positive and patient with little ones when we are troubled or sick :( ((Hugs))

I was so stressed because my husband's car broke down this morning and he called me and I had no way of leaving the dcks and going to get him. I felt awful because he was apparently counting on me as the first person to call.

I felt trapped by the kids and I can only imagine how magnified that feeling must be for you right now.

I hope you can get to the hospital tonight and find some answers and help. Your post certainly puts things into perspective.

Wishing you calming and healthy vibes

[gravy_train]

Thank you so much for the support. 2.5 hours left and then I will hopefully get some answers. If I am miscarrying I am going to request a D&C given the nature if my work. I will be okay if do (or already have) lost this baby but I just need to know either way. It has been a few weeks of pure preoccupation and stress.

[gravy_train]

Lou, did you tell the parents why you closed for a week?

[mickyc]

Oh gravy train I am so sorry for you. I know how difficult it can be to where you are right now. I have had 3 miscarriages in the past. I luckily was not doing daycare at the time (although one was on my birthday and another was on valentine's day). I was devastated. All I can say is if you need the time off just phone your families and tell them you have the flu. End of story, they don't need to know anything else. Take as much time off as you need.

[daycaremom9]

I've never had a miscarriage but can feel your pain through your post. When I was going through testing for a serious disease, I was under considerable stress and ended up getting sick because I was so stressed out. I had to call parents and they were very understanding, even a parent that desperately needs daycare. Our clients have to realize that we're only human and we have to occasionally take time for ourselves. Just remember that if you don't take care of yourself, there will be no dch.

[Lou]

Gravy, yes. I felt they deserved an explanation as to why I was closing so short notice for a whole week. They were so understanding and of course I didn't lose a client through that or when I became pregnant again, or after my baby was born.

[mimi]

Gravy train I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I had a miscarriage myself years ago and it was sudden onset and fast evacuation. I understand your devastation and worry. Please know all of us are thinking of you and hoping for a positive outcome. Hugs to you sweetie.

[kidzandme]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you a big hug. You are a very strong person to still be working. Take care.

[mamaof4]

I am so sorry

[gravy_train]

Thank you again for the words of support and encouragement. I was at the ER until midnight and they confirmed what I already knew - my hcg levels have decreased and the pregnancy is terminating. The dr told me to expect cramping and pain akin to a very heavy period. Because my pregnancy was so new there is not much for my body to expel, just the lining of the uterus - same as with a period. I decided to stay open today and made plans to spend some quality time doing special (low-key) activities with my kids this weekend. I swear my own children are instinctively in tune with me - last night I got home after midnight and my oldest son was awake and waiting for me (he is usually asleep by 8). He said he couldn't sleep because he was worried about me. He thought I was meeting a friend for dinner and had no cause for concern as we decided to wait and tell out kids about the new baby after we passed the 12 week mark.
I feel okay emotionally - better now that I know 100% what is going on. It's like someone on here said though, my husband and I already saw the future with our new baby and were so excited to welcome him or her into our family and that loss is going to take a little while to process. In the meantime I am going to hold my children a little tighter for a little but longer and try to appreciate the wonder of humankind. I will never forget what it felt like to toast my husband at midnight on New Year's Eve - pregnant, happy and so full of hope and love.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I am so sorry for your loss gravytrain!! It sounds like you are in a better place now that you know what is going on though. I hope you have a relaxing weekend and enjoy time with your family! :)

[gravy_train]

Thanks, 5 Little Monkeys.

[mimi]

The last line of your post brought tears to my eyes gravy train:crying: Thanks for letting us know.

[Lou]

(((hugs)))

[martymonty]

I am so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself, get some much needed rest and spend the time with your family who I am sure care a tremendous amount about you. Your son just proved it last night. Feel better soon!

[mickyc]

I am so sorry for your loss as well. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you had your whole future mapped out already. I had very little family support when I had my miscarriages (they were all early on in the pregnancy). Unless it happens to you it is so hard to understand the emotional side of it. My heart goes out to you and your angel baby!

Here is a poem I want to share with you (it helped me through my miscarriages and still makes me cry):

What makes a mother:
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

[steellotus]

I'm so sorry for your loss, GravyTrain. Though I am by no means a regular on these forums, I thought I might be able to offer a little bit of support.

My husband and I struggled with infertility, After trying for 2 years to conceive we were able to get some medical help- I have PCOS and the doctors discovered I don't ovulate even though I have regular periods. I was given clomid to ovulate and within 3 months got pregnant with my son, born in feb 2012.

over the summer my husband and I decided to start trying again and were referred back to the same fertility clinic. They gave me clomid since it worked last time, and I concieved in the first month! we were so thrilled, but the pregnancy wasn't viable. I was so devastated. I'd been given multiple ultrasounds and we knew it was coming (saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks, then no heartbeat and no growth the following week) and the dr said we just had to wait and see. I miscarried at about 8 weeks, and the pain was intense but thankfully short lived. Within an hour it passed and it was over.

This was in september. I bled for a few days but nothing worse then a normal period for me. I had another period the beginning of november (my cycles are usually 6 weeks apart, I'm assuming due to the annovulation)

In december I started feeling weird. Not myself. It wasn't until the 23rd of dec that I looked at my calendar and realized how long it had been since I had a period. I took a test that day as I had a bunch left over from TTC in the summer.

Big fat positive.

Both my husband and I were in shock, as I didn't feel emotionally 'ready' for another, and the fact that we needed medication the previous pregnancies. We weren't even trying.

In short- it sucks. It really fucking sucks, it breaks your heart. A friend of mine said to me "You'll still get to meet that little peanut. Soul's just waiting for a better suit. (Some of 'em are picky like that.). Betcha it's a girl. Mine turned out to be Becca. And she's STILL like that."

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sending love, and hugs your way. Stay strong momma.

[playfelt]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Praying that the support of your family gives you the strength to get through this time.

[mamaof4]

Losing a baby is losing a baby- no matter how old. I am so sorry for your loss.

[AnthonyMorgan]

I'm sorry for you. I'm literally crying. I had frozen pregnancies twice and my doctor advised me to use the services of surrogacy in Ukraine (https://worldcenterofbaby.co m/). I didn't have a chance to carry a healthy baby. It's horrible. But I am glad that nowadays it is possible to become really happy for money, despite my health problems.