PDA

View Full Version : Reality Check!



bright sparks
01-08-2014, 01:17 PM
This has been a constant in my mind for a long time and since Torontokids post about finding your passion this all came flowing out. I can not deny the truth anymore as things have to change. My physical and mental wellbeing is slowly but surely declining so it is a time for change. So just an offload really ladies, taking a moment to let down my façade and take a human minute.

I had plans to go and do my degree next year but I decided over the last month or so that I would put it off until my youngest (currently grade 6) has finished school as I have doubts of being able to cope with the workload and stress of doing a Psych degree while meeting the needs of my 2e son. His needs are growing as he gets older so I just don't think it would be the best for either of us if I took that on until his graduation. That being said, I cannot keep doing this job.

I love the children and get great satisfaction in aiding their early year’s upbringing and development, but the isolation is positively killing me mentally. I suffer with PTSD and one of the biggest symptoms for me is Chronic Fatigue so I very much need to interact with others outside the home to aid in my recovery. I want to work with at risk youth in the future in the LGBT community but without the education I am unable to right now and even volunteer work at my age in that field is tough to get. I was thinking of training to be a medical secretary or similar where I am busy and interact with others but only work typical office hours, and also do some volunteer work with youth where possible. I really want to be home in the evenings and on weekends with my children. They are fortunately old enough and independent enough to get themselves off to school and get in and organized afterward also. I need to focus on being happy as otherwise the benefits of being home and working are diminished by my unhappiness which does not benefit my family and right now it is a daily battle which just isn’t something I can keep investing in so things have to change. I have one life to live, that's it just one chance. There is that which I have no control over, but that which I do have a hand in controlling, I owe to myself to act towards changing.

One of my big issues lies with money. My husband has an incredible job which is fortunate but we have very much fallen into nasty habits with my money and have become accustomed to the extra cash flow. A major lifestyle and attitude change needs to be made on my part where having this warped sense of income level and qualification level is what justifies a person’s worth. It was drummed into my head from such a young age that I should get a degree. When I was 7 my dad would tell friends that I would end up at Oxford or Cambridge University. I am very intelligent but way to set me up with an incredibly high goal Dad…for the longest time I have battled with this ridiculous notion that without achieving this I am not worthy or adequate. It is a work in progress as I understand this is stupid but it’s hard to change a habit of a lifetime. I cannot walk away from this work until changes have been made and I feel that small steps will likely be more productive rather than trying to do everything at once.

My daycare day right now is very mundane which I don’t think helps at all. I am currently transitioning kids back in after the break 2 x 11mth olds, a 16mth old and a 2 ½ yr old so it’s just a succession of diapers, naps, milk and not much in the way of playing. The younger three are all seriously mollycoddled by their mothers which really is problematic for having them cry for physical contact all to often and while I am trying hard to stick with not buying into it and getting them out of it, the Xmas break threw a wrench in the works. Freakin’ parents don’t seem to give any thought to how their actions affect their children’s social development.

torontokids
01-08-2014, 01:43 PM
That's so interesting Bright Sparks that you want to get into psyc, only because I have often found your posts to myself and other members both supportive, insightful and nonjudgmental. I am curious what it is you want to do after your psyc degree because working within the LGBTQ community does not require that (depending on your capacity). The other thing to think about (as someone who works/worked in the field) is that a lot of people get their psyc degree with the plan to become a therapist. The reality is that most psyc positions are research based (entry level) and a lot of psyc do very little counselling but more client monitoring/check in re: clients meds or psyc testing depending on expertise. Just something to think about. I am a social worker and spend more face time with clients then the psychiatrists do.

Fun&care
01-08-2014, 02:10 PM
Wow I am so glad everyone is posting about this today! Glad because I am struggling with similar feelings. ( check my post in Torontokids thread). I too have to be careful with my mental health. I have never been diagnosed but know that I can slip into a depression where all I want to do is stay in bed all day for no apparent reason...and I am starting to feel very much that way lately. I am torn between going back to work and losing my independence or staying and being bored and bummed out. I feel that with daycare I WANT to do more but don't always have the energy/ creativity to come up with new things to do and even then, my group is so young it's not always worth it or difficult to come up with something age appropriate so the days become long especially lately with the cold....

But I do want to say thank you ladies for simply posting your own thoughts as it helps others out there like me suffering too!

dodge__driver11
01-08-2014, 02:33 PM
Since I have come back from Christmas break, I have been pondering what my plan of action should be. I have been mulling over doing home based preschool; but my home is listed right now and if the area I move to has more of a demand for all day daycare I am shooting myself in the foot.

I have some health concerns that make it very hard to work a conventional job...In the sense of if I am having a bad day we can have a movie and coloring day, and just go from there.

Despite my best planning and not wavering on policy, as well as being fair, I always seem to get one parent that says "no" and is extremely disrespectful. I just don't know if I have the stamina to deal with people who are so openly hostile. (See my last post) As always I do my best to screen, but someone seems to sneak by.

Any feedback on this would be ever so helpful... Oh and my problem is too, we do need to be a two income family

Daisy123
01-08-2014, 03:39 PM
I think that one of the best therapies is knowing that there are others who know and understand what we go through/think about. bright sparks I really do hear you're frustrations and you seem to have a real war going on. I have a degree and 2 diplomas and yet here I am. Expectations anybody? :rolleyes: Sometimes it's a battle in that I feel like I should be doing more but then I remind myself that even though I get called a "babysitter" I AM more. I also hear you about the isolation. Personally I think that that is the hardest part. I'm trying to start a provider "support group" in my area to meet every week or two to share ideas and/or frustrations". (Anyone around Bowmanville Ont?) dodge I do a preschool program with my daycare and that's what saves me. I find that working with the older kids is less mundane. I get to be "teacher". When I feel lazy (often) I check out Pintrest or a Facebook page I like called Teach Preschool for new ideas.

Fun&care
01-08-2014, 03:57 PM
For all of you thinking of moving on, do you have any young kids of your own you would have to put into daycare? This is something I am struggling with since mine is 3 this feb but isn't going to school until sept 2015 so still a while to go. However I often feel like daycare/ preschool would be really good for her, to give her a chance to get out of the house and also to be with more kids her age since as it stands she is the oldest but I think she could use some older kids to play with.

Bright sparks I think that so many times we KNOW what we want but FEAR gets in the way. Imagine what you would do if you took away the fear, what FEELS right?

5 Little Monkeys
01-08-2014, 05:23 PM
I am very fortunate to have known early on in my adult years that I wanted a hdc. I did centres for a bit but made no money so went to healthcare. I made more money but wasn't happy and certainly didn't enjoy the work. I went back to childcare for a bit and then opened my hdc. I would love to do this until I retire and I look at this as my career and I take it very seriously. I have no children of my own yet but when/if we do, it will be great as we have dc already :) It is probably a bit easier for me right now because I get to go downstairs, play and have fun all day, and then come upstairs and I don't see a child or a toy until the next morning. I'm hoping when/if I become a mom, I will still enjoy doing hdc as much as I do now. I have found this site to be really helpful and I'm glad that this is a friendly site where dcp's can come and express feelings like some of you are having!! It is good to talk about them!!

Bright Sparks...I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now! I know what it is like to wake up every morning and dread going to work and feeling like what you are doing is not good enough. I'm not sure about where you live but I know that in MB, office type jobs are hard to come by because so many ppl want them. Do you need a well paying job or is mon-fri days more important? Have you considered working in a daycare centre until your children are done school and then you can start your degree? Or what about being an EA with a school division?

Fun&Care....I also have issues with depression. It comes and goes and I can usually tell when it's happening. Actually my fiance usually picks up on it before I do! I used to feel that way more often before I had my hdc. I needed to make changes in my life and opening a hdc was one of them. It has been a lot better since but there are still times that all I want to do is waste my weekend in bed feeling sorry for myself and cry (even though logically I know I have nothing to whine about). I was on anti depressants when I was 18ish and they did help a bit. Have you spoke to a doctor about your depression? It's a good sign that you want to do more with your dc :) I feel the same as you...I go through periods where I am super dc woman and we have lots of activities planned, lots of art, lots of great circle time. lots of baking and homemade meals from scatch etc etc and then I get lazy and don't do as much. I have to find that happy medium still lol. I use pinterest a lot to get new ideas and I have actually found since reading this site that I want to be better and get lots of great ideas and advice! My group now is at good ages (almost 2yrs to almost 4) but I started with a very young group (8 months, 10 months, 2-just 2 year olds) and I actually think I did more with them than I do now somedays lol. There are lots of activities to do with any age group but sometimes we need outside help (like pinterest) and to think outside of the box. I always tell myself "I am a dcp NOT a babysitter" and that usually makes me less lazy and I get off my butt and do something haha. I worked in the baby room at the last centre I worked at (3 months to 2 years) so I know what it's like to have to plan things for that age group.

Dodgedriver...I had a great set of first parents and I got soooo spoiled. This new group is okay but man oh man!! LOL One parent drives me crazy almost daily with their lack of parenting and denial. They think they are parenting well but it's so obvious they aren't lol. (IMO of course, I do realize all parents parent differently) A few others are just extremely young (20 year olds with 2 year olds) and are new to this! It's been a learning process I tell ya! I wish ya luck! I guess the only thing to do is term if ya can afford it until you can fill the space!

Daisy123..."and yet here I am"......STOP thinking that way!!! lol :) You are a dcp who is enriching these children's lives and making a lasting impact on them! What we do with them now in their early years is setting them up for the rest of their life!! I take that seriously and strive to be a good dcp...sure I have my bad days but don't we all? I'm like you....I hate being called a babysitter lol. The support group sounds like a great idea! Definitely not having coworkers can be an issue and it does get lonely sometimes.

Fun&Care...I have a friend who used to do daycare and so did one of her friends. What they did was a couple days a week they exchanged their own child. So their child got to get out of the house, away from mom and made new friends at a different dc. It worked for them because no money was made or lost by doing this. Is that an option for you?

mimi
01-08-2014, 05:56 PM
5 little monkeys......I have to say wow, you are such an amazing asset to this forum!

I love my job, but have been there and done that in respects to wondering why I continued working at a job I didn't like and having to due to finances. Life is short and we should try and work at what we are passionate about. I tell my daughter to save her money so that if she ever finds herself in the same work predicament I did, she could afford to leave and educate herself or find another job she would like. Working at a job you don't like will eventually show up in symptoms of poor health (stress)
Anyway, this is also a really lousy time of year. We are stuck inside, it is freezing outside, it is dark early, we are less social so maybe if anyone is having thoughts of change to give it sometime before they do so and think it through.

My insight from the cheap seats :)

5 Little Monkeys
01-08-2014, 07:09 PM
Mimi, thank you for those kind words!

I have to say that you (and everyone on this site!) is an asset!! Discussing all the different ways we do daycare is great and I thoroughly enjoy this site because of all of you! It is so nice to come here and vent, ask for advice/suggestions and just discuss dc life in general :) I'm so glad Mickyc found this site and suggested it to me lol (we are from the same city!)

Something I read the other day on fb....."I don't have to agree with you to like you or respect you"...........I may not agree with everything that is said on this site but I do respect all of you for doing what you do and for being who you are!!

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 08:31 AM
That's so interesting Bright Sparks that you want to get into psyc, only because I have often found your posts to myself and other members both supportive, insightful and nonjudgmental. I am curious what it is you want to do after your psyc degree because working within the LGBTQ community does not require that (depending on your capacity). The other thing to think about (as someone who works/worked in the field) is that a lot of people get their psyc degree with the plan to become a therapist. The reality is that most psyc positions are research based (entry level) and a lot of psyc do very little counselling but more client monitoring/check in re: clients meds or psyc testing depending on expertise. Just something to think about. I am a social worker and spend more face time with clients then the psychiatrists do.

I planned to double major in psych and sexuality and then do a masters in social work. I love psych more than I can begin to explain. I love getting down to the nitty gritty of human behaviour and what causes us to be a certain way. I particularly find psychosocial development to be most intriguing as through my painful past some of these theories make great sense to me and are something I would like to work inline with when it comes to caring for children and adolescents. I think psych and sexuality will complement each other wonderfully and while I don't need the sexuality component to work within my area of interest I just genuinely find the whole subject fascinating.

I would like to offer counsel and advocacy for LGBT youth and young adults ideally but maybe also specialize in private therapy with a special interest in diverse family set ups. I had been advised a couple of years ago that the masters in sw would be much better for where I want to go in terms of career as the masters in psych is heavily research based....which by the way I also love. I am very analytical and just love to read between the lines but ultimately I want hands on, so to speak, working environment where I hope I can really make a difference.

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 08:47 AM
Wow I am so glad everyone is posting about this today! Glad because I am struggling with similar feelings. ( check my post in Torontokids thread). I too have to be careful with my mental health. I have never been diagnosed but know that I can slip into a depression where all I want to do is stay in bed all day for no apparent reason...and I am starting to feel very much that way lately. I am torn between going back to work and losing my independence or staying and being bored and bummed out. I feel that with daycare I WANT to do more but don't always have the energy/ creativity to come up with new things to do and even then, my group is so young it's not always worth it or difficult to come up with something age appropriate so the days become long especially lately with the cold....

But I do want to say thank you ladies for simply posting your own thoughts as it helps others out there like me suffering too!

With my PTSD chronic fatigue is my biggest roadblocks which sounds to me what you are describing. It is debilitating and is like a mental barrier to being able to function, sometimes even basic personal care and household chores can be the hardest task of the day. I am coming up to my 4th year anniversary of being in therapy. It's a taboo subject still I know, not like saying you went to the dentist or chiropractor. I chose to go to therapy as I got to the point where I couldn't move and over my dead body were my kids going to grow up with the memory of seeing mum have a nervous breakdown. It has helped tremendously but needless to say after a life of neglect and abuse it is not a quick process but I now manage my depression much better and have a greater handle on my PTSD and am working steadily, mostly, through it. When I get a wave of depression or go through a period of CF it is triggered by one of two things.PMS which is strongly linked with trauma and also the fact that I have endo so have a major hormone imbalance, or the job. I feel at this point my work is inhibiting my recovery. Intermittently I have to stop trauma therapy and work on day to day coping because my job has me trapped in a box. I use all my mental strength to lock all this baggage down so I can give my best to the daycare kids, which I honestly do a great job at, but it doesn't take a genius to guess what happens whenever I am off the clock?? I crash and burn, and as time goes on it happens more and more often and the harder I fall. Since September I dropped to M-Th and that has helped so much. I also take about 4-5 weeks a year vacation plus every Thursday before a long weekend for that 5 day break. It is an absolute must that I do this.

I no longer put pressure on myself for programming. I do much better with a schedule and good planning so that's exactly what I do to save myself from boredom. This year I am now trying to put myself first before the kids. I have my policies and parents in check. But I do more for the kids than for myself and look where it has gotten me. For example, I always prided myself on providing organic non processed meals. Now I no longer buy organic although we still don't have processed foods or refined carbs, and I put less effort into their meals. They are still healthy but I am all about the freezer meals. Anything that frees up time and energy to make that healthy wholesome meal for ME!

I am human, not superwoman.

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 08:49 AM
I think that one of the best therapies is knowing that there are others who know and understand what we go through/think about. bright sparks I really do hear you're frustrations and you seem to have a real war going on. I have a degree and 2 diplomas and yet here I am. Expectations anybody? :rolleyes: Sometimes it's a battle in that I feel like I should be doing more but then I remind myself that even though I get called a "babysitter" I AM more. I also hear you about the isolation. Personally I think that that is the hardest part. I'm trying to start a provider "support group" in my area to meet every week or two to share ideas and/or frustrations". (Anyone around Bowmanville Ont?) dodge I do a preschool program with my daycare and that's what saves me. I find that working with the older kids is less mundane. I get to be "teacher". When I feel lazy (often) I check out Pintrest or a Facebook page I like called Teach Preschool for new ideas.

War for sure. I always describe it as an internal battle.

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 08:56 AM
Bright sparks I think that so many times we KNOW what we want but FEAR gets in the way. Imagine what you would do if you took away the fear, what FEELS right?

You hit the nail on the head!!!

Take the fear away, I'd give notice today to everyone! There is no doubt in my mind. I have to get debt paid down and finances in order and that's exactly what I will be doing. I talked to my hubby last night and he said nothing would make him happier than if I quit my job. He just wants me to be happy and I think sometimes I am so consumed with my goings on that I forget that he has to see my decline and share his life with someone so unhappy. That's awful for him and even my kids will process what they see and hear into what essentially will be their belief systems as they reach adulthood. I'm trying to be a happier person not give myself more reasons to be unhappy.

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 09:07 AM
I am very fortunate to have known early on in my adult years that I wanted a hdc. I did centres for a bit but made no money so went to healthcare. I made more money but wasn't happy and certainly didn't enjoy the work. I went back to childcare for a bit and then opened my hdc. I would love to do this until I retire and I look at this as my career and I take it very seriously. I have no children of my own yet but when/if we do, it will be great as we have dc already :) It is probably a bit easier for me right now because I get to go downstairs, play and have fun all day, and then come upstairs and I don't see a child or a toy until the next morning. I'm hoping when/if I become a mom, I will still enjoy doing hdc as much as I do now. I have found this site to be really helpful and I'm glad that this is a friendly site where dcp's can come and express feelings like some of you are having!! It is good to talk about them!!

Bright Sparks...I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now! I know what it is like to wake up every morning and dread going to work and feeling like what you are doing is not good enough. I'm not sure about where you live but I know that in MB, office type jobs are hard to come by because so many ppl want them. Do you need a well paying job or is mon-fri days more important? Have you considered working in a daycare centre until your children are done school and then you can start your degree? Or what about being an EA with a school division ?

My background is in healthcare having worked in acute care and maternity in hospitals in the uk and then working for social services in community care with the elderly and special needs children.

I do not get up dreading my workday. The job is not a bad job so please don't misunderstand my distress. I am disengaged and consumed by cf and depression and the isolation and the fact that I am not mentally challenged by the job whatsoever makes me not enjoy my job but I never wake thinking here we go again.

It is my understanding that medical secretary jobs are available as being in southern Ontario there are so many new developments, a steady flow of immigrants and an ever growing demand for healthcare of all types that there is always a need for medical administration staff. My biggest stipulation is M-F and a 9-5 kind of day or even 7-3,8-4. I am postponing my venture into university to be there more for my kids so I can not jeopardize that. I do not have the qualification to work in a centre or school. Coming from the uk where you graduate with grade 11 I have already had to attend night school over and over to get my high school diploma but beyond that any training I have on the uk does not provide me with an equivalency here. The medical administration course is something I can do in less than a year at night school.

Fun&care
01-09-2014, 09:08 AM
5 little monkeys I have a close friend going through a depression right now and she is my support system and we help each other. I've seeked medical care before (sort of) but it didn't help and I don't feel like I'm at the point that I need to be medicated. I think that there are many reasons for feeling down right now, as many have mentioned the weather certainly isn't helping, and also I have a little one here since September who is still very whiny and clingy and I think it has worn me out more than I thought. Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

Fun&care
01-09-2014, 10:09 AM
I have gone through chronic fatigue as part of depression and yes it is absolutely debilitating. Very very difficult to function when you feel that way. I had a glimpse of it the other day where after dinner I just crashed in bed and could not get up...I am trying really hard though not to go back there as I have gone through phases where it lasted 6-9 months. Although now that I have kids I don't think I could allow myself to do that and I have to work at it daily to make sure I keep my chin up.

Have you ever thought of getting a reading with a psychic/ clairvoyant? I find them invaluable and I have a reading every few months when I am starting to feel out of balance and it's my saving grace. It's my form of therapy. Look up Charlotte Szivak. She's great and always super positive. She does phone readings. I know it's not for everyone but I am a big believer.

5 Little Monkeys
01-09-2014, 12:35 PM
I stopped taking anti-depressants because I was almost more depressed knowing that I had to take a "happy pill" to be happy. I know that for me what works best is making changes in my life. Things like cutting out negative people, dropping friends who drained me, changing jobs, making changes to be happier! Being happy just doesn't happen, sometimes we have work to be that way! lol

(however, for some meds work and that is great too!!)

playfelt
01-09-2014, 12:59 PM
.... Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

I think you have totally pegged what is eating at a lot of us. In one fell swoop with Bill 143 our whole world is potentially being taken out from under us and all the planning/training we did to get to where we are and all the plans we had for our future are in jeopardy.

I can look at this from a very different place than most of you because I already have 28 years invested in home daycare, my own kids are grown, hubby retires from the military in March 2015 at age 60 and thus I am in the daycare could end tomorrow and life would be ok stage - I'll still want something to do but it wouldn't have near the urgency it would have had 25 years ago when my daycare was part of the family income plan.

It is as if we knew we were at the lowest end of the childcare system, very undervalued, and now basically unconsulted, but it has taken Bill 143 to bring it to the forefront for a lot of us. We are questioning in my case why did I do it, was it worth it really - and yes I think it was but going forward I realize so many of you are being put into a very negative place by all that is happening now. Even for those that don't live in Ontario and won't be directly effected by this bill it still makes you stop and think just where do I belong in the scheme of life.

Taking courses is a great way to get some adult interaction and realize we do still have a mind that can comprehend something more than the answer to what sound do cows make and how many pompoms can fill a yogurt container. I used to take one course a session from the local municipal activities book that fulfilled an interest and that was great too be it a craft course, cooking class, home décor whatever. Then the kids got older and busy with their own activities and we ran out of nights - I keep telling myself that is what retiring for is for right. I know it costs per course but even just taking several intro to .... type courses might help you find the one you really like. It just feels like someone suddenly put pressure on us all to state what we plan to do with the rest of our lives without giving us time to think about an answer. It is a scary topic anyways cause really no one wants to think about the unknown future. I so appreciate this forum where we can sound out our ideas and get help to see what direction we can go.

bright sparks
01-09-2014, 01:22 PM
I don't take meds and never will. I think that meds work for some in a temporary state of depression, which I suppose some would consider as always although I have probably been in a depressed state to some degree for nearly all my life. An example is grief. My mother took anti depressants after her mother died and she had a nervous breakdown. They helped her get through a period of grief that only time would help her to come to terms with and learn to deal with. The meds helped her through this difficult time and after a couple of years as she grieved she came off them with no problems. I however know the cause of my ptsd and depression and truly believe that to be able to fully address them I can not be medicated. Obviously the results of this can sometimes be worrisome and problematic and there have been times when I have been close to getting them but I know that they wont help in the long run. I have to deal with my past to be able to move on. I wish I could take meds for chronic fatigue because I know that would help me on a day to day basis, but I am fully aware that those meds are anti-depressants. Its a life style change I need to make, so baby steps. One thing at a time, starting small and going from there.

I function well under high stress, believe it or not lol What I mean is, if I am busy busy busy, go go go, with complexity and non stop to do lists, I thrive. Its when I have those periods when I can stop and think, or stop moving that the "shit hits the fan". So over the last year I have been working on reducing the amount I do. I could totally fill my time with night courses, weekend special interest classes, and a multitude of other hobbies but it would not help, infact it would make things worse. I think it is essential to have an outlet outside the home when you do this job, but I need to find one that does not ask anything of me. So even if it's just taking a book to the coffee shop once a week, or joining a friend for a glass of wine on the weekend, that is more what I need to do. If I am busying myself, I am masking. I have to learn to lighten my load, empty my calendar and lessen my commitment list. I know when I am in a happy place because I will just be able to be, and right now that is impossible. If I sit and empty my head, or try at least, I either get CF, depressed, or anxiety attacks WTF right?!? Thats why it needs to be a gradual thing, and it has been. I restrain myself from spending countless hours at night during my insomnia, or worry, researching, and I have vowed only to take 1 night course per year and try things like reading again, which was once my vice, and get on the treadmill for 20 minutes a day. I am also learning to say NO.

5 Little Monkeys
01-09-2014, 01:43 PM
That all sounds like great ideas bright sparks!! Good luck with it all!! :) You can do it!!