Big rant!

[gravy_train]

Sorry for the negativity but I need to vent and need some support! Here we go:
Issue 1: I am 11.5 weeks pregnant (woohoo!), have had brutal mornign sickness that lasts all day and into the night. I started taking diclectin about 4 weeks ago and it helps tremendously but a side effect is drowsiness so I am exhausted all.the.time.

Issue 2: My partner leaves for work at 7am and doesn't get home until 6 to 6:30pm. This means that all of the household tasks like cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. falls mostly on me. I am exhausted and most days the only second i get to do something for myself is at the end of the day. when i finally stretch out in bed with a book i read one or two sentences and fall asleep.

Issue 3: My 2 year old son is not enjoying daycare life. He is hitting the other kids constantly and when I try to redirect his behaviour he laughs. I am a total loss about how to handle this. It wasn't an issue to this extent with my oldest son and I feel so incompetent.

Issue 4: My 3 year old DCK is recently potty trained. Has been pooping in underwear daily for the past 2 weeks. Sometimes it stays contained, sometimes not. Today there were 2 accidents before 10am - one poop and one pee. Had to mop and disinfect the floor. This kid does not stop talking all day long and is the most high energy child I have ever met. Runs instead of walks, is always humming, making sounds, singing, even during quiet time. He gets in my son's space constantly and my son inevitably responds by hitting him or pushing him away. He does not know how to pick a toy that he wants to play with and instead will follow others around and play off of them. This kid zaps my energy and I am very resentful right now. I know that it isn't the child's fault and is completely me but I can't take much more.

Issue 4: My 22 month old DCK is having BIG emotions. If I ask the child to get ready for a diaper change she starts crying, if I ask her to stop doing something she cries, if I tell her it's snack time, she cries, etc. I can't take it. Parent have told me they are considering trying to toilet train her mid-April. I don't know if I can deal with the extra stress.

Issue 5: I just did my taxes and I owe a lot more than I expected so I might have to work longer than I want.

Issue 6: We decided to make-over our kitchen in December. We are doing most of the work ourselves to save money. It has been three months and I have boxes of tools laying everywhere, no cupboards in my kitchen so my son is constantly grabbing food, dishes, etc. I am exhausted and being newly pregnant can't do as much of the work as I expected. My partner is doing his best but... I have been alone with the kids on the weekends for much of the past 6 weekends so that he ca work on the kitchen, which he doesn for a few hours (there's only so much he can do before having to wait for the next step), and then he gets to spend the time hanging out with his freinds, etc. When I have a project or something that I have to do I have to figure out how to do it with at least one child dividing my attention. I'm bitter.

Issue 7: I feel like I have no support and that if I do complain it will be met with a huge argument because he is trying. But it is so different for him - he gets ready for work, leaves for the day, comes home to dinner made, laundry washed and folded, makes himself a drink and sits down to enjoy the family - where is my time??

Issue 8: This bloody winter.

ANy words of support would be so much appreciated.
Thank you!

[Sassygirl]

Wow!
All I can say is that I am sending you BIG HUGS!!! I totally feel your pain I really do. I am due tomorrow with baby #5 myself and have 4 full timers aged 18-26 months PLUS my own son who is 23 months. I have encountered almost all your issues (except the renos) this pregnancy and it is HARD!
My suggestion? Do what you can do. Honestly its okay! I don't think that I have relied on takeout food or easily prepped food as much as I have this pregnancy. I don't feel bad either.
It does put the added pressure on when finances are tight too and I am very sorry to hear about your taxes.
It will all pass soon the first trimester can be very bad with the all day sickness. Try and nap at naptime. I do now. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
I also completely agree about the weather... Sigh... Its -12 here again... Really???

[cfred]

Ugh...I feel for you! I had terrible morning sickness like that as well...fortunately, no daycare at the time. Sorry you're having such a rough go of things. Regarding issue #4 - of course I haven't seen this child in action, but he sounds very much like my son in his younger days. My son's ADHD. Yup....if he's conscious, he's talking and moving....always! They have ZERO concept of personal space or comfortable silence. Potty training took bloody forever and he didn't fully train till 4 yrs. Look for the darting eyes when you talk to him....they'll be all over the room, but not on. But then there'll be 'hyper-focus' on specific things they like. For my son, it was the computer which I was happy to oblige to get some peace. Good luck! Put a diaper on the kid and take that silliness right off your plate.

I'm not sure how to handle everything else. My own kids were really young when I started out, but it always seemed to work out with them. They liked the kids and the kids liked them.

For support....take time for yourself, if you can, every week. Whether coffee with a girlfriend, walking with a neighbour...whatever ....demand that time to yourself and make it happen, even if hubby balks....and get the heck out of the house! He'll get over it. I've found, over the years, that if you don't TAKE your time back, no-one's going to offer it up. Be a bitch about it if need be and have it set in stone every week. We all need space and time to be who we are instead of wife, mother and provider.

[Wonderwiper]

Ugh...I feel for you!

1. All I can offer is to sit on your arse as much as possible, ha ha!! Seriously, free play all day is fine. No harm done. You can guide kids to different things if they get bored or roughly plan things but take it super easy!

2. I hear ya! My husband works ridiculous hours. Monday to Friday I am a single parent. We have a rule that weekends I do nothing!!

3. He is jealous. They are clever little buggers so he probably senses other changes are coming too! He doesn't know what or why, but he sure doesn't like it! Only advice I have is as much special time just the 2 of you that you can manage.

4. Go to Walmart tonight and grab yourself a couple plastic covers. Parent doesn't need to know and kid will wear regular undies underneath. Poop will be contained.

5. I've got nothing but hugs....taxes stink!

6. We renovated entire main floor and 3 washrooms while I was pregnant with my second. We were preparing to sell. I did daycare out of my daughters bedroom for 3 months. Good times. My daycare kids learned to loves sandwiches because it was spring and we ate outside a lot ha ha!

You just keep on stumbling along. It's what we do! Rest as much as you can and do the least amount of work possible. It's not the end of the world if laundry is not folded!

[Wonderwiper]

Oh....keep on venting here, you need it ha ha!!!

[Cadillac]

omg I'm 12 week and I hear you.

Hun, I hired a cleaner three days a week. She comes for two hours mon wednesday and friday. Honestly we shouldnt afford it as we re saving for a house, but its it takes an extra month than my sanity is worth it. I pay her 11 /hour. so 66 a week and thats helped me tremendously.

I crash when the kids do so I can make it through the afternoon. Sometimes it work, sometimes it doesn't

I have one of 'those' kids too. . . . a non-stopper impulsive and always into trouble. I have seriously contemplated terming her for sanity sake. i cant imagine going through the rest of my pregnancy with her driving me insane. I dunno what to do there. I feel terrible, but shes been a bit of a problem for about a year now and ive tried everything. the other day i found out she named her baby doll after me . . . the guilt . . . ooooooooooooooooh the guilt

Your son: might have to be hard on him for a bit until he tows the line.

I just . . . . feel you . . . and feel for you . . . .

[momof2_boys]

I feel for you! My husband can work long hours too. And being with my two boys and my niece all day (she's here for 11 hrs) feels like I never have time for myself. My youngest doesn't fall asleep most nights until around 10 if I'm lucky. Maybe try talking to your husband to have a "sleep-in" morning one day on the weekends. That way you feel like you get your own time to yourself and get some well-deserved rest. Not every weekend, but once in a while.

I also feel your pain with your renovation. Ours is at least in the basement (so mostly out of the way) but it has been ongoing for about 2 1/2 yrs. from one bad contractor to another to us trying it on our own. My husband tries to do a little on his own but he's busy with work and does what he can when he can (sometimes I feel like it's not enough, but like you, realize that he does what he can) It's gotten to the point where I hate looking down there and only go down to do laundry. Just keep in mind that eventually it will be over. Someday.

For the crying little girl, my niece was the exact same thing when she first started. She still does once in a while. But for the most part it has stopped. What I did was when I knew she was really just crying to cry and wasn't hungry, thirsty, etc. just bent down to her level an just basically told her to stop. "No crying for no reason, that doesn't work with me." And the. Walk away to finish what I was doing or whatever. Eventually she stopped. But it is so frustrating. She can reach a pitch nobody's ears on this world should have to endure.

My 3 yr old is also at a stage where if you try to discipline him he laughs sometimes. It's crazy frustrating and I ran out of ideas if how to deal with it. As a last resort I have started just taking away his things when he isn't listening. I let him know he's grounded until he starts behaving better and making better choices. He has no TV, no games on mom and dad's phones or his mobigo, etc. no songs before bed (that's a big one for him), no helping me bake stuff in the kitchen, etc. good luck and stay strong. In the past I sat him down and true just speaking to him about his behaviour, why it's not nice to laugh, why he should be listening, why it's important to make good choices on how he behaves, etc. it works for a bit (like 5 mins) but he's still young so. In one ear, out the other. I have found in the last few days throwing away his chocolates to be affective.

And if you feel bitter about the fact that you have to do your projects, etc with kids around and work around them, talk to your husband about it. That's not a good thing to let fester. The next time you need to finish something and your husband is going to go out with friends or sit down to watch tv, etc let him know you need his help to watch the kids while you get it done. He probably has no idea you feel that way, men and women think differently and I think it's hard for us to realize that they really just don't know what's going on.

I hope you start feeling better about everything soon!

[torontokids]

I totally get the husband thing. I used to always be with my girls to the point where my eldest didn't even like my husband (sounds harsh but she's a smart cookie and saw it). I signed my eldest up for basket ball and went the first week and then the second week I just told my husband to have fun and I was going to stay home to clean. He freaked out (I think he was just really scared and didn't know if he could handle both girls at once, especially in public). To his credit he went and things went well and when he came home I showed him how happy it made me (if you know what I mean) and we talked about him doing it every Sat morning. It worked and he went every week. It wasn't a big surprise to him that once basketball was done she was signed up for soccer heh heh! Their relationship is awesome now and that makes me the happiest. He never understood why their relationship was strained and had said "because he never spent time with her without me." Now he see's this was the case.

I have always had a hard time doing things unless it was stuff I had to do (get groceries) but I am working on this. He would always say for me to go and do things but it was always clear to me that he didn't mean this. He really just wanted me to go during nap time or after they went to bed. Now I tell him, "see ya" and go.

[bright sparks]

No need to apologize here, sometimes life just sucks! It can feel like everything happens at once, and quite often it bloody well does so leave the dishes, take a deep breath or several and come up with a plan.

I will give you my perspective on Issues 2, 7 & 8 at the end.

Issue 1. 1st trimester sucks for most women. Do whatever you have to to survive without putting any pressure on yourself to be perfect. Simplify your daycare program to more self directed free play and pick up the pace when you are physically and mentally more energized. another 6-8 weeks and I bet you will feel much different. How about making some freezer meals to reduce your workload during and after daycare hours for mealtime?? It will be a busy few days while you put them together but then it will make day to day life that little bit easier. There are so many websites out there with tons of ideas I don't even need to link to them. Checkout pinterest too.

Issue 3. Your last statement was that you feel so incompetent. Your son may very well sense this feeling of self doubt and negativity and be feeding off it. Try to keep your chin up and have a strong and confident way about yourself even though that may be difficult with everything going on right now. Your 2 year old I bet is a lovely fella normally, but he is two and most likely is manipulating you and knows how to press your buttons if he is laughing at you. Treat him like any other child at daycare and separate him. If he can't behave himself and doesn't respond to time outs then highchair his little butt and tell him that he is not allowed to play with the other children if he continues to hit them. He wont like watching the rest of the group having fun from the highchair so hopefully this will be more successful in time. I would also regularly throughout playtime remind him to keep his hands off the other children, read some books which address this issue, and talk to him about more appropriate ways to deal with children who are bugging him. Rather than dealing with the aftermath, try and teach him some tools for alternative ways of dealing with situations by repeating things to him regularly throughout the day even if there are no issues. That's how it will stick.

Issue 4. You say recently potty trained...prior to this period of daily accidents how long were they potty trained successfully? I wonder if something has gone on at home to have this occur. Usually a period of regression can be explained when a change or disruption occurs. Speak to parents about this and see if it happens at home. I can't imagine plastic pants being that easy to do clean up either but if that helps then go for it. If its just a matter of this child only being trained for a few weeks then it may help. That being said, number 1 this is a boy so notoriously lazy, and number 2 if he is special needs then this will be a tough fight in which case he likely needs to be in pull ups, which goes against what I typically do, but this wouldn't be a typical case of toilet training. Try a reward scheme that may help coax him to the toilet more. I wouldn't be so quick to label this child with any specific special need. In my experience children can share many traits but clustered differently, can mean completely different things. I know it means more work for you, but it is important that you document your observations for this child. At 3 years old it will be much easier to identify any issues versus a 2 year old. Could be any number of things which we are not qualified to comment on to a parent but if things continue to get worse with toilet training and behaviour, then it will be essential to have this info documented to pass to the parents if you have to request a doctors visit.

Issue 5. DCK with emotional issues....Is this a recent thing? How long has it been going on for? How long have you cared for her? Again home life may be behind this so chat with the parents about how she acts at home and how she goes about completing different tasks and following direction INDEPENDENTLY, or if they tend to aid and help her carry things out. I have a little boy who sometimes drives me nuts, crying if I ask him to come here, or sit at the table or even ask him what he is doing etc. When his mum is here he is a little rascal and she responds to everything with laughter or aren't you a cutie. She totally babys him and they play 1 on 1 with him at home far to much I think, playing with him rather than teaching him to play. She has told me as much, and has slipped up by denying it at other times. They wouldn't sleep train him because it was so difficult for them so after weeks of listening to them complain I just told them outright that I had given them numerous strategies, but that this wasn't going to improve without some work on their part and that they needed to give him the opportunity to self sooth and gain a strong sense of independence. He has improved a lot here, but I have to ignore him a lot. Not because I don't care, but he had to learn that holding out for me to help him wasn't going to work. He needed to be forced to fend for himself so if he comes into the room in the morning and sits there crying, I just ask him to be quiet and stop crying and occasionally shush him. He now cries rarely although its still a major effort to get him to do anything independently as mum and dad are still so controlling. They send me videos all the time and its so evident. Maybe your situation is similar, or maybe it isn't :/

Issue 6 TAXES...damn you CRA...don't stress, there is no point and it isn't necessary. You can't change your bill by fretting and you have enough on your plate already. Call and make a payment arrangement, they are great to work with as long as you communicate properly with them.

Issue 9...Winter...:( It is nearly done, what else can I say. I hear ya.

And for the rest involving hubby....My husband works 60-70 a week Monday to Friday so I understand what its like being a single parent. We are also living in renovations. I have had bathroom stuff on my landing since October. Vanities, countertops, boxes and boxes of tiles, paint, light fittings, faucets, tool boxes, you name it and I literally want to punch my husband in the face some days for not getting it done. I have had to take a different approach in the last month or two as I can not resent or be bitter at my husband. He really does work his ass off for the family and I love him to death for it. I have to live with him, and spend the rest of my life with him so I need to not get immersed in that kind of thinking.

What you are both doing now is not working and rather than get upset with him and annoyed at each other with confrontations and arguments, you literally have to just say that to him. "We need to sit down and figure something else out because what we are doing right now just isn't working". I couldn't give a rats ass how many hours a week these husbands work at their jobs. I am extremely grateful that they work hard and provide for their families but I'm not going to make excuses for your absence in your role as a father and a husband. Work with what you've got. You need down time just like he does so figure something out so you get to look after yourself without children tagging along, and have him be a single parent for a portion of the weekend so you can focus on the importance of self care. I always reinforce to my kids how hard dad works and that we miss him because he is away a lot but that he does it for us. However he still makes dinner twice a week, cleans the kitchen for me on days that it isn't tidy when he arrives home, and runs errands when I ask. He is tired from long hours, but just because I'm not on the clock getting paid doesn't mean I'm not working equally as hard as a working single parent. You both need to get on the same page and find some middle ground which works for both of you. I understand the renovations being a stop and start mission but if he has time to socialize with friends then he needs to prioritize his family as number 1, at least more so while you are pregnant. Its not about cutting "ME" time out completely for him, but cutting back so you can start having some time for you outside of being everybody's caregiver. If you were suddenly put on bedrest or out of commission what the hell would happen? He would have to pick up your role aswell so he should be doing more to prevent this from happening. Much easier said than done for sure, but not impossible. Takes good communication, lots of effort and good planning.

[gravy_train]

You have no idea what the impact of your words is - thank you for taking the time to offer me some support!
I booked a massage for myself for Saturday for starters... I also wrote out a countdown calendar for myself with my anticipated closing date highlighted :-). Then I made myself a new current and projected budget to insure that I can still stop working when I want - I think it will be okay.
I have my first midwife appointment today and my partner is coming with me so I'm going to bring up how tired I am, out house is a mess, I feel overwhelmed, etc. might help him see it as not just me complaining.

[Artsand crafts]

omg! it seems you have a lot in your plate right now! Pregnant with lots in your shoulder and on top of that kitchen renovation. We had a total kitchen renovation several years ago and was very stressful. I cannot imagine how that would be combined with being pregnant and the tiredness and sleepiness that sometimes come with it. I am pregnant, too (4.5 mos). This is what I would do or have done:

For #1 & 2: With my first pregnancy I was super sleepy. So I napped during kids nap time and then right after they left. With this pregnancy, I am not that tired during the day, but some times in the afternoon I feel like I need to sleep. As soon as my hubby arrives he takes care of my son while I take a nap. Also, during the weekend he always let me over-sleep in the morning while he takes care of my son again. I also have a daycare helper who helps with cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, etc and days feel so much lighter. I would say if you could get help a couple of hours at least during the busiest times of the day it would feel like lighter load.

# 3: My 2.5 yo son is not part of the daycare. His behavior improved so much when he started to be allowed to be around the house (with toys in different spaces of the house). I do not treat him like a dck, he is special, still I am very firm and consistent with him when he misbehaves. He knows I mean business.

#4: I would ask the parents to bring diapers or pull ups or I would take the underwear off and put my own diapers as soon as the child is inside. No way I am cleaning waste from the floor. Do you have a potty training policy. In here, there must be accident free for 3 weeks before they can use underwear only. If they have an accident after potty trained, they need to use pull ups for another 3 weeks until dry.

#5: If someone if whining or crying for no reason (they are feed, cleaned, etc), they are taken to their cot to lay down until they calm down, as many times as necessary until the behavior is over. I currently have a happy little boy, who used to whine and cry for no reason (not a newbie) and after being consistent, the behavior stopped. He is now happy, participate very well in our activities and I also receive hugs from him from time to time.

#6: Our kitchen reno was a nightmare. I will not bore you with details. I know is a very hard thing to bear when things are not going as planned in there. So stressful and emotional. No advice here. Just to tell you that I totally understand how you feel about this.

#5: It sucks when you own more than you expected. If you have a helper for a couple of hours, even if you have to work longer than what you planned, it may not be that hard.

#7: I do not ask for permission to rest when I feel super tired and that I need to sleep in the afternoon. I just tell my hubby that I really need to go to sleep and that dinner is in the fridge. So, I said "see you in a couple of ours and take care of our son" and crash. No arguments there.

#8: Have you looked at the forecast? It's suppose to be much better week.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Sending ya a big virtual hug!! Sounds like a lot is on your plate right now so do what you need to survive! If that means take out, paper plates, loads of free play, just doing the basic cleaning than so be it! This is just a temporary moment in your whole life but your whole life won't crumble if you slack for a few months. Don't feel guilty about it either...your making a baby so what better excuse is that! ;) Tell your husband your feelings and ask if he can miss a few "man dates" and help out at the house and give you some time to yourself. Maybe switch every other weekend so you both get a break?

The other ladies have given great advice! Good luck and remember, this will pass and you will look back at it and know that you made it!

[superfun]

Someone may have mentioned this already, and I could have missed it. If your son is having a really hard time with daycare life, and your other kids didn't have such a hard time, maybe he just doesn't like that one boy that is always in his face? I know money was one of the things frustrating you, but maybe if you got rid of one child earlier than your anticipated closing day, it would be easier to handle everything else until baby comes?

[Kellybelly83]

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies yet- but I wanted to give some advice with the diclectin. I used it when I was pregnant with my first and it literally knocked me out within 45 minutes!! If i took it before bed, it helped with the nausea but had way less of a drowsy effect on me. I hope that helps!!

[Secondtimearound]

It seems a lot because it is !!!! Lol just reading your words made me wish I could help in some way!! I have been married 26 years lol so I start there !! Men ... Hmmm they do not multi task like us . If he's doing the kitchen , that's all he will be doing !! I don't remember when he works on it but if it's a Saturday then order a pizza and put a favourite video on ! Sit and relax ! That way you get a rest ! And the kids enjoy some down time ! Let things go abit !
Men have down time because they take it !! Use family to get away for a bit ! Even an hour !!
The taxes are what they are ! Don't let them get to you , send in a cheque they send you a statement , just repeat monthly !
The dayhome problems and your son , you got those !! Your just tired ! It will pass !! That I know lol try being 39 yrs old , pregnant , 4 teenagers and a freaked out husband lol !!!
Getting rest and taking care if yourself is the key !!
My dd who is 5 regularly 'quits' dayhome !!!
It happens !! Vent to us !! Because it helps !! We women and moms get it !!! Life gets tough !!! This will not last ! Your sickness will go , you will get that energy back !!!
Wishing you all the best !!!!

[cfred]

For years, I walked with a girlfriend who lived across the street. Every night. Not only was it great exercise, but it was the time where 'anything goes' and the air would be blue around us as we swore like truckers and vented all the frustrations of our lives. It was the best therapy and support EVER!!! Sometimes it took a lot of effort to drag my sorry, tired ass off the couch in the evening, but we always went and felt better for it afterward. In the end, we became the closest of friends (like family, really) and we both had the emotional release we needed.

[gravy_train]

Thanks so much everyone! I met my midwife for the first time yesterday and she is so contagiously positive and awesome that I feel a million times better just talking to her. She assured me that when the time is right for me she will write me a letter recommending that I take leave from my job (so that I can get sick leave from EI before my maternity leave). So, in a financial sense that takes a lot of pressure off.
I've also decided to join my hubby on a business trip in three weeks (free hotel with swimming pool for the kids and I while he is in meetings) . I will still be with the kids but will have the luxury of hotel living (no cooking) with the fun of a swimming pool!! I am only giving my clients a few weeks notice but I'm not going to feel guilty about it at all!
I have my countdown calendar in an easily accessible spot and started my day by looking at it and crossing off yesterday :-).
Things are looking up!

[bright sparks]

Sounds like you are much more positive today. I'm glad to hear you have what sounds like an incredible midwife and your trip ahead will no doubt be fantastic and well needed no just for you but as a family too :)