Termintation and letter

[MonkeyPrincess]

After a month of flip floping, i have decided i am terminating an almost 4 yr old dck. Aggressive behavior (biting especially), child's disobedience, 8 month long potty training struggles, parents inability to control the child at pick up, among other annoyances. i have spoken about this child/family before a few times. Last Friday, the dck bit my daughter on the arm, cut the skin and made a bruise that is still there today. Parents are always told if an incident arises at daycare, so there have been many discussions with the parents about this dck's behaviour. I told the parent that the dck's behaviour is not getting any better and is unacceptable and said if the bevahiour doesn't improve immediately, then they will have to seek other arrangements for her childcare. Well on Monday the dck was a little better behaved, but Tuesday was not so good. general misbehaving, not playing well with other and kicking my 3.5 daughter in the stomach. Mom was told again that any child harming another is unacceptable and she has another incident this week, then they will have to seek other daycare. Wednesday the dck's behaviour was a bit better but today has been horrible. Climbing on furniture, biting another dck this time and knocking the chair over while on time out was enough for me to throw in the towel.

now my question is this...do i give my notice or make termination effective immediately? I have a one week's notice clause, with the certain exceptions like non payment, disrespect, aggressive behaviour of the child, etc. A part of me sympathizes that it might be hard finding another dcp in such short notice. If i give then one week notice of termination, i am afraid that she will hurt another kid again, despite 2 verbal warnings about behaviour have been given in less than a week.

Also, how would you word the termination letter? Do i list all of the reasons or the most severe?

[5 Little Monkeys]

It sounds like you have had this child for at least 8 months, if not longer. If the violent behaviour is something that is old and hasn't improved over time, than I would say you need to exercise your right to terminate immediately. I would write up a letter saying " Due to xxx's ongoing violent behaviour towards other children in my care, I am terminating care as of xxx date. All monies paid are non-refundable." (unless you have something different in your contract) and then explain in person as well. The parents likely know this is coming from your earlier warning this week. I would imagine they have started to think about back up care....but really, it is their problem now. I imagine you have discussed things with them prior to this and if they haven't helped change his behaviour than there isn't much more you can do and you need to protect the other children in your care.

If this violent behaviour is new, than I have a different opinion on the situation. (just re-read and see you have been thinking of doing this for over a month so the behaviour likely isn't that new)

Good luck, keep strong and don't back down once you have made up your mind!

[Samantha33]

I had a child who would bite. I kept him for 7 months and tried to stop the biting. Then he bit another child and broke the skin. This is serious stuff when skin is broken. I termed that night. I too had given warnings about the biting. They said he never did it at home. No wonder he was an only child.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Well while playing outside, this afternoon, dcg pushed my daughter and she fell and scraped up her hands- poor kid cried. When mom came to pick up the child, i gave my notice. Mom became upset (cried a bit) but i explained that it was for the best interest of all children involved, including her own, but i can't have a child here that is repeatedly harming other kids. I tried my very best and it didn't work out. She was understanding and said they saw it coming. She understands because apparently they are dealing with her misbehaving at home too, she has told me this many times. I gave them their one week and notice as per my contract and she went home.

A few hours later, the dad texts me saying dcg is never coming back to my daycare and the dcmom will be by to pick up dcg's things. I called him to get explanation and he was livid. He said he didn't want to get into it and wanted to leave it as it was and that dcg is not coming back. I couldn't understand why he was so irrationally angry, it's not like i sprung this termination without warning!. He went on to say things like 'i dont want to say something i will regret, it's done' but wouldn't explain why he was so angry. When i would say something he would yell over me, not even giving me a chance to speak. Then he says 'what do you expect, you only gave us a week's notice. the child will be cared for my grandparents and she already has a new dcp that will start one week from monday.' (already??? a new DCP in 2 hours since the dcm left my house? this coming from parents who took like a week to make their decision to join my daycare?). Also, he doesn't want her to come back to my house so she can be treated differently from other kids and on a short leash and basically hounded for the next week. I said 'well according to the contract you signed, one week notice is my termination policy, and if you recall, harm to other children is grounds for immediate dismissal, i gave extra time to find a new dcp'. He went on to mention that my house is the only place dcg acts out like that, she doesn't misbehave at home or anywhere else. I replied that's not what his wife said, and my experience in babysitting, work in a daycare centre and in a high school say that children do act differently in different settings. You know his response? Maybe she (his daughter) acted like that because she was being influenced by my daughter. (:mad: ) I replied really, i doubt it because your child is harming all the other children too, which is why I have given verbal warnings, including one last week and one already this week. Deliberately hurting other children is not allowed, now i have to explain to the other parents that their kid was bit. He didn't care to hear it. He ended it saying that his wife will be by to pick up the kid's things.

See now i have a feeling that the mom didn't tell the dad all the details. I wonder if she left out a lot of the things that we had discussed over the past while, and some of the hitting/hurting incidents. That's the only reason to explain his irrational anger for me. Either that or mom could have spun the story differently, i don't know. These are just my thoughts.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Well while playing outside, this afternoon, dcg pushed my daughter and she fell and scraped up her hands- poor kid cried. When mom came to pick up the child, i gave my notice. Mom became upset (cried a bit) but i explained that it was for the best interest of all children involved, including her own, but i can't have a child here that is repeatedly harming other kids. I tried my very best and it didn't work out. She was understanding and said they saw it coming. She understands because apparently they are dealing with her misbehaving at home too, she has told me this many times. I gave them their one week and notice as per my contract and she went home.

A few hours later, the dad texts me saying dcg is never coming back to my daycare and the dcmom will be by to pick up dcg's things. I called him to get explanation and he was livid. He said he didn't want to get into it and wanted to leave it as it was and that dcg is not coming back. I couldn't understand why he was so irrationally angry, it's not like i sprung this termination without warning!. He went on to say things like 'i dont want to say something i will regret, it's done' but wouldn't explain why he was so angry. When i would say something he would yell over me, not even giving me a chance to speak. Then he says 'what do you expect, you only gave us a week's notice. the child will be cared for my grandparents and she already has a new dcp that will start one week from monday.' (already??? a new DCP in 2 hours since the dcm left my house? this coming from parents who took like a week to make their decision to join my daycare?). Also, he doesn't want her to come back to my house so she can be treated differently from other kids and on a short leash and basically hounded for the next week. ( Oh that's real fresh because I was talking to the dcmom at pick up, i was calling the dcg honey and giving her cheese and crackers, and to her older sister) and i wouldn't do that, as all children are treated equally here. ) I said 'well according to the contract you signed, one week notice is my termination policy, and if you recall, harm to other children is grounds for immediate dismissal, i gave extra time to find a new dcp'. He went on to mention that my house is the only place dcg acts out like that, she doesn't misbehave at home or anywhere else. I replied that's not what his wife said, and my experience in babysitting, work in a daycare centre and in a high school say that children do act differently in different settings. You know his response? Maybe she (his daughter) acted like that because she was being influenced by my daughter. (:mad: ) I replied really, i doubt it because your child is harming all the other children too, which is why I have given verbal warnings, including one last week and one already this week. Deliberately hurting other children is not allowed, now i have to explain to the other parents that their kid was bit. He didn't care to hear it. He ended it saying that his wife will be by to pick up the kid's things.

See now i have a feeling that the mom didn't tell the dad all the details. I wonder if she left out a lot of the things that we had discussed over the past while, and some of the hitting/hurting incidents. That's the only reason to explain his irrational anger for me. Either that or mom could have spun the story differently, i don't know. These are just my thoughts.

[MonkeyPrincess]

oops, sorry for the double post.

[daycaremom9]

I had a child who would bite. I kept him for 7 months and tried to stop the biting. Then he bit another child and broke the skin. This is serious stuff when skin is broken. I termed that night. I too had given warnings about the biting. They said he never did it at home. No wonder he was an only child.
I think that is an excuse that defensive parents tend to use. I have found that the behaviour that is shown at daycare isn't new.

[nschildcare]

I would not even respond to them anymore. Let them pick up their stuff and be gone. Terminated parents are going to be angry.

My response to the "she only acts out at your home"? Then it is clear to me that my daycare is not a good fit for her.

Immediate term in the future. There is nothing wrong with telling them you don't want her back in your care, and in a case of aggression, you don't want the liability that an extra week brings.

[MonkeyPrincess]

So dcmom picked up her kid's things this morning and picked up her term papers. She apologized for the way 'things went down' the night before, and became emotional. I politely told her that the way i was treated by her husband was unacceptable. I was just doing my job as a DCP caring for multiple children and if it were another child harming her kid, i would take the same action and terminate the other child. I treated their kid very well and considering everything i did, I deserve much better. She said she agreed but defended him saying he was reacting out of anger, and he tends to regret things after, and apologized again. I resented that the dcdad didn't want her to come back for the week after i gave notice because he said i would treat her differently and 'keep her on a tight leash' etc. She said he said the actual reason dcg won't come is because they want her to 'calm down' and have time by herself before she starts a new daycare. Very different from what the dad said.

Anyhow i told her i have nothing against her or the child, i love the child and sincerely wish her well in her new DC and in school in the fall. I wished them all well and it was done.

[martymonty]

I'm going through a very similar situation right now, I have tried for MONTHS to get the mom on board with me and she NEVER backs me up, she just stands there and stares at me when I tell her that her son hits, kicks, spits, etc. She has the same problems at home and blames it on his father (they are separated) well today I said that he could make an easter picture or read a story book and then do something else. Well he didn't like what the group was doing, so he punched at me and said stop it, I went over and very calmly explained that this is not proper behaviour from an almost 4 year and he proceeded to have a 25 minute screaming session where he punched the couch, tried pushing it across the room, spit, screamed, started following me around and kicking at my feet. I put him in the play yard and he kicked so hard I thought he was going to put his foot right through it. On top of this, he knows that he is not allowed to turn on the taps after using the bathroom, I always do it for them so they don't mistakenly turn on the hot water and what does he do after going to the bathroom today, turns on the hot water only and sticks his hand under it. Needless to say it hurt but I told him he knows he is not supposed to do this and he just does not listen. I am at my wits end and was trying very hard to get the mom through until he starts school in the Fall, but I just don't think I can do it. What would you girls do....been a VERY stressful day and not so nice for the other kids either :(

[daycaremom9]

I'm going through a very similar situation right now, I have tried for MONTHS to get the mom on board with me and she NEVER backs me up, she just stands there and stares at me when I tell her that her son hits, kicks, spits, etc. She has the same problems at home and blames it on his father (they are separated) well today I said that he could make an easter picture or read a story book and then do something else. Well he didn't like what the group was doing, so he punched at me and said stop it, I went over and very calmly explained that this is not proper behaviour from an almost 4 year and he proceeded to have a 25 minute screaming session where he punched the couch, tried pushing it across the room, spit, screamed, started following me around and kicking at my feet. I put him in the play yard and he kicked so hard I thought he was going to put his foot right through it. On top of this, he knows that he is not allowed to turn on the taps after using the bathroom, I always do it for them so they don't mistakenly turn on the hot water and what does he do after going to the bathroom today, turns on the hot water only and sticks his hand under it. Needless to say it hurt but I told him he knows he is not supposed to do this and he just does not listen. I am at my wits end and was trying very hard to get the mom through until he starts school in the Fall, but I just don't think I can do it. What would you girls do....been a VERY stressful day and not so nice for the other kids either :(
I am also going through a similar situation. I had to term a 2 1/2 year old boy who is being aggressive and has started kicking, hitting ,yelling not only at the other kids but me as well. I would say only you can decide for yourself how much you're willing to take but for me it's a question of whether he's going to injure the other kids.

[MonkeyPrincess]

See if it were me, I would term. I would have to, especially after what I just went thru. If it went on for months and you tried everything to correct the actions and nothing was working, and thru started would term. Especially if the parents weren't on board. The kids are old enough to know better. At age 4, or almost 4, kids should not be spitting, hitting, kicking, moving furniture, disrespecting their DCP or anything.

[martymonty]

Thanks for the replies, so for those dcp that terminated did you do it in writing or in person and did you tell them just how it is or what did you say to them. I've never had to terminate anyone in 28 years so just want to do it the easiest and the least confrontational as I can.

[nschildcare]

I wrote a letter stating the basics. Care is terminated and last day I am able to provide care is xxx. Leaves little room for negotiation and arguments. I included final receipts, all child's items and any monies owing to parent.

I then handed it to them verbally telling them that I was no longer able to care for their child AFTER their child was dressed and AFTER they were already heading out the door. Then closed the door, took a deep breath and smiled. Instantly the stress was gone. Practice saying what you want to say a hundred times if you need to (I am very non-confrontational and was so nervous about doing this). This helped me immensely.

You could address issues if you want. My parents knew what was going on so I didn't as I already had previously outlined issues in documentation form for them. I think if it is a 'surprise' for the parents, you may want to outline exactly what it is according to your contract. So in my contract, for instance, I have a possible termination for "aggressive behaviour that is not modified with either parental or provider intervention" (or something similar). So I would state that "terming due to XXXX policy" perhaps rather than a specific incident. Like "terming due to Bobby hitting Susie at the table". I think statements that refer to a certain incident leave room for argument and negotiation.

Good luck! You'll feel tons better when it's over!