Screaming/crying infant- How to make parents realise the problem is serious?

[teddybeartots]

I have just started my in home daycare. It has been 2 weeks of full time care for a 1 yr old. The dck has transitioned for a few months, with play dates etc. I have an 18 mos old myself who is very outgoing and loves to play with others (my second child). This dck is soooo sensitive (an only child) that cries so much, her face goes purple and she is losing her breath.....Something as small as my son passing by can send her into hysteria. I brought out bubbles today, she FREAKED. I talked to her mom about holding her constantly and encouraging the little one to be more mobile (shes crawling) and having opportunity to independently play. I am realistic about transitioning and by no means am I going to throw in the towel yet, But! I will have 2 more children in my care starting next month and fear that this child I have now, will require even more reassurance. It has interfered with our activities because she requires soo much assurance and cuddling, that my son is feeling the brunt. I dont know what else I should do, and I refuse to hold her all the time. Bring it up to the parents in a more serious way? Im not confident they really understand how her behaviour effects our day. I have suggested tips/advice, but its been a week and no change. I dont feel like she is still transitioning, I feel like her cries are more like screaming because shes frustrated (while holding her arms out) because I am not holding her.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I have been there so I feel for you! I would suggest lots of playing on the floor with her and your son and you beside them. In time she will become comfortable in your home and over the next week or two you can increase your space between you and her and work up to you leaving the room and hopefully she doesn't scream!!

[teddybeartots]

Attachment parenting is soooo hard on babies and caregivers. The poor kid doesnt understand why Im not picking her up.

She has made great strides since she has been in our home. Like she doesnt cry when mom drops her off, shes learning to sleep longer in her crib, and shes gaining her assertiveness with my invasive little guy lol

So, there is hope. I guess I just want to know if there is anything the parents could be doing as well? I suggested widening the gap between parent and child; encouraging her to crawl if she wants to be where parent is (obviously within reasonable distance). Less baby on hip action + reassuring her without picking her up. Any other suggestions on what I could say?

[Daycare123]

I feel like parents don't understand how hard it is on the provider and other children when a child cries all day. I had to terminate a care contract last month because after about 6 weeks the little girl I was transitioning was still crying all day. I hope things start to improve for you!

[5 Little Monkeys]

Attachment parenting is soooo hard on babies and caregivers. The poor kid doesnt understand why Im not picking her up.

She has made great strides since she has been in our home. Like she doesnt cry when mom drops her off, shes learning to sleep longer in her crib, and shes gaining her assertiveness with my invasive little guy lol

So, there is hope. I guess I just want to know if there is anything the parents could be doing as well? I suggested widening the gap between parent and child; encouraging her to crawl if she wants to be where parent is (obviously within reasonable distance). Less baby on hip action + reassuring her without picking her up. Any other suggestions on what I could say?

I would stress to the parents how important it is for them to do what you have suggested or it will just make it that much harder when the 2 new ones start. Let them know that these suggestions will greatly benefit her when she is in dc. I would also mention that if she doesn't adjust to dc within a reasonable amount of time, they will have to find a dc that is a better fit for her.

[teddybeartots]

Thank you everyone! I spoke with my agency and I have decided I am going to give this till the end of the month. But honestly, I feel like I have done all I can and this will only be more heartbreaking for the child as more kids arrive. But! I am dedicated to the end of the month. we will see! This child has also had months of transitioning between my home and theirs so it is not a transition problem; its a self soothing one. I have spoken with the parents already and I sense that their attachment parenting might be a tough egg to crack. stay tuned! lol

[gravy_train]

Good for you, teddybeartots! I had a dck who took about 6 months to transition and she never really got over the crying. She ended up leaving my care for a centre when she was almost 2. She was my first dck so I didn't really have a point of reference but looking back I probably would have terminated care within a few months. There were days when I was literally shaking at the end because of her high pitched screaming and crying.
Good luck and keep us posted!

[Lee-Bee]

[QUOTE=teddybeartots; 63452]Attachment parenting is soooo hard on babies and caregivers. The poor kid doesnt understand why Im not picking her up.


I believe that it is more than just AP though...I think certain personalities mixed with AP can make it really hard for some kids to transition. I have 2 AP children here from pretty hard core AP homes and while both are crappy sleepers they are amazing kids. One took some time to settle but was never extreme. The other arrived and from day one and barely let out a whimper. This child had never been left anywhere with anyone but mom. This child couldn't even stand with help at 12months because the child was held so much. Within weeks the child was pulling up everywhere and finger walking. I do notice AP families suck for naps :-) But I can deal with that. I do find that my AP kids are very confident, happy well adjusted kids here in care...now when parents arrive things certainly change :-)

I am pretty sure it is largely due to personality. Hopefully your little one does adjust and becomes a laid back easy going child. There is always the chance that when the others start this child will have more distractions and will keep busy easier? It can be hard to picture now...but hopefully!

[Artsand crafts]

I follow some of AP philosophy, but I prefer to take on families that do not do AP. IMO, real AP can only be followed by stay at home moms or families that hire nannies willing to follow this approach. How hard it should be for a child going from be worn most of the day by parents, falling sleep with parents every time, and not let them cio at all to group care where they have to be able to stay on their own, self soothe when going to sleep, and be able to wait until the provider is available and not run to the child after every whim.

Even I stay at home, I could only partially follow AP since I had to prepare my son to share mom time with others. I wore him even during daycare hours sometimes until about 1yo, but I prepared him to self soothe to sleep and play by-himself too before I re-opened. I also let him cio sometimes and taught him to wait.

On the other hand, it sometimes has to do with the child's personality. In June I took on a girl that was strongly AP (I don't follow AP with dck, only with my own, but l am closer to all of them when they start since I empathize with them on how scared they must be the first days). Well this girl adapted very well very fast. Even for nap time she got it in about a week.

[teddybeartots]

Im so torn. While she has only been here for 2 weeks, she has made big strides (sleeping in the crib for longer, getting used to other children around)...but her constant need for reassurance really worries me when Im going to have 5 kids in my care. Should I wait until the other kids come and see how she does? I was going to give the parents another 3 weeks (for a total of 5 weeks of their child in my care) to see if things could turn around. Does this seem fair? Or should I wait? Gah, this is stressful.

[mickyc]

If you see improvement then I would keep going (if you can stand it lol). It is all what you are comfortable with. My new boy that started in February cried a lot. He had spent a month completely with his mom and no one else when they moved here. It was a tough transition in my care. I do not hold children for long periods of time and they need to be able to occupy themselves as well. It was a lot of screaming but I worked through it and he is so much better. Although he was sick and home for a whole week and was back today and although he isn't crying all day anymore he has been crying off and on today. Just need to get back on our routine.

[martymonty]

I am dealing with a similar situation right now, the dcb has been here for two weeks and cries all the time unless I am bolding him. He barley naps, maybe 20-40 minutes all day ( he just turned one) and he MUST sleep in a for again. His mom said he has never been out down to nap or sleep on his own, but has always been rocked to sleep, so now he is fighting me every step of the way. I do not know if I want to continue this scenario every day, I now have other dcp asking me how long I am going to put up with this, and I don't want to lose them. I've get a good bunch of kids here, but this little one has thrown a curve ball into our days for sure. What is a "reasonable" amount of time to give a new dck...I have never had one do this for this long in my 28 years of providing daycare. I am exhausted and the other kids do not like it either :(

[Momof4]

Teddybeartots, I have an attachment parenting family in care. It took way over a year for this child to stop screaming daily because he's an expert at manipulating his Mom. The only reason they are still here is that the Dad agrees with me and he has reinforced my gentle nudges to the Mom to help her son become a better adjusted child.

He cannot manipulate me, must follow the rules and if he wants to scream then I remove him to another room. The other children are playing and having fun and they don't deserve to be subjected to his nonsense. Mind you, he never needs a tissue or produces any tears, it's all acting! I'll never go through this again, no way! I feel for you and hope that my little story helps you make your decision.

[Secondtimearound]

I didn't last long with my 11 month old dcb . He would cry until he hyperventilated ! Or threw up ! I tried but anything would turn the crying on !! I started by putting him in a playpen near where we were so we were not overwhelming him . A toy , an outside siren he would start to shake . He required me , to stand and rub his back ( which I do not practise ) and feed him his bottle . It was a nightmare ! I was cleaning throw up all the time . He would start to eat and then choke because he would start to bawl ! My nerves couldn't handle it , the only time he didn't cry was when I held him .
If I went to lay him down for diaper change , he would act very shaky and scream blue murder . I let parents know exactly how are day was and exactly what my concerns were , and after a month I was done !!
Good luck !!!

[Daycare123]

I am dealing with a similar situation right now, the dcb has been here for two weeks and cries all the time unless I am bolding him. He barley naps, maybe 20-40 minutes all day ( he just turned one) and he MUST sleep in a for again. His mom said he has never been out down to nap or sleep on his own, but has always been rocked to sleep, so now he is fighting me every step of the way. I do not know if I want to continue this scenario every day, I now have other dcp asking me how long I am going to put up with this, and I don't want to lose them. I've get a good bunch of kids here, but this little one has thrown a curve ball into our days for sure. What is a "reasonable" amount of time to give a new dck...I have never had one do this for this long in my 28 years of providing daycare. I am exhausted and the other kids do not like it either :(

I just went through this! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this :(

Has this dcb had time socializing with other children? Maybe request that his parents refrain from rocking him to sleep? How is he with the other children? Do his parents let him cry it out?
It sounds very similar to the contract I had to terminate :( I don't think a child should be crying all day long after 2 weeks. Has there been any improvements at all?

[martymonty]

Unfortunately the little guy has been off sick since Friday, he had a really bad reaction to his MMR needle, 104 fever, tremors, etc. Then he got hit by a bad cold, poor thing. His mom has been home with him since then and he is not back until Thursday for only one day. She told me they are no longer rocking him to sleep, they are just putting him in his crib inside his grobag (which I hope he can give up soon) and he's off to sleep so we'll see how that goes. He did not cry as much the last time he was here unless I went out of his sight, then he cried so hard I thought he was going to throw up. He definitely has anxiety issues if I am not around so will have to work on that. Haven't had this situation in forever, you forget how exhausting it can be :(

[bright sparks]

Here's the thing, if these parents are not willing to modify the way they do things at home then I can't see this just miraculously improving within a few weeks, no matter what you do. I have an AP child and after two weeks of screaming, not a tear in sight, I gave the parents a 2 week probationary notice. If I didn't see any improvement then our contract would end on such a date. I didn't just give this to the parents though I had an extensive and in depth conversation after hours and without the child present. It really needed to be a two way conversation not just me telling them what they should and shouldn't do. Mum said she would let him cry it out, and she stopped co sleeping and within a 3 day weekend at home with mum and dad and these changes in place it made a big difference. I've had this guy for nearly 3 months and he is generally terrific. It's very obvious when the parents have been lax towards things and I have to remind them after a bad day and they ALWAYS apologize and admit they had a rough weekend.

If they aren't going to reinforce what you are trying to teach the child, then the chances of success are slim. I know some providers say the child learns the two different sets of rules and adapt, but AP children are generally the exception. My little AP child is only upset when he goes for a nap, lasts 5mins max normally except Mondays can be closer to 30, when he is dropped off he is clingy and screams and the rest of the time he is an absolute joy. Prior to speaking to his parents though he was constantly screaming, even if I picked him up or gave him my full attention, he simply wanted his mother.

[bright sparks]

Unfortunately the little guy has been off sick since Friday, he had a really bad reaction to his MMR needle, 104 fever, tremors, etc. Then he got hit by a bad cold, poor thing. His mom has been home with him since then and he is not back until Thursday for only one day. She told me they are no longer rocking him to sleep, they are just putting him in his crib inside his grobag (which I hope he can give up soon) and he's off to sleep so we'll see how that goes. He did not cry as much the last time he was here unless I went out of his sight, then he cried so hard I thought he was going to throw up. He definitely has anxiety issues if I am not around so will have to work on that. Haven't had this situation in forever, you forget how exhausting it can be :(

Hopefully she doesn't revert back to rocking because he is sick. Unfortunately I find that after an extended period away due to illness, the parents have wrapped them up in cotton wool again. I am very tactile and give all of my guys lots of kisses and cuddles especially when they aren't feeling great but a lot of mothers go over the top when their child is ill to make THEMSELVES feel better and then there is a lot of hardwork for us when it comes to getting the little one back to normal.

[Polkaroo]

My newest dcb screams all day and her parents don't AP. She is not held all the time at home, sleeps perfectly on her own and I've visited her many times before care started and she wasn’t like this.

But now that's she's here with other kids, she cries for everything just like you describe in your post. Even if another dck walks by her. It's actually a problem for me now. It's starting to affect all the kids and I can't do all the fun stuff we did before. I'm full now and can't be attending to her very minute. She's only happy when she's in her playpen but I can't keep her there all day! I tried everything and nothing worked. She just doesn't like other kids. She's fine if it's just she and I but that's impossible and unfortunately my patience is running thin. She's the first one here in the morning and one of the lasts to leave. I'm on week 3 and not sure what to do/try anymore. So I feel you teddybeartots! I hope for you the crying stops before the others start because it's not easy.

I even tried all her 'favorites', song, animal, book, food, NOTHING worked. Like you mention, I had a talk with the parents and was very clear on how it's affecting everyone. Ok...Vent over! Lol any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated because I tried everything that was listed in this post (except for termination).They are amazing and I LOVE this family, i hope it doesn't come down to that. Hopefully I can find a way to settle her in.