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Busy ECE mommy
04-15-2014, 09:19 AM
I have 3 yr old daycare child that has begun fabricating scenarios regarding aggression from peers, being picked on, and things I have said/done during daycare. I am present in the space when the supposed incidents happen, and it is blatant lying and turns into a tantrum as the child melts down after supposidly being hurt by another child, even though the other kids that get blamed are most often nowhere near this child. I have called out this child on the behaviour and reiterated that lying is unacceptable, especially when intentionally blaming another child for something that didn't happen. When I spoke to the parent, the parent told me stories about what the child had been saying at home about things at daycare.
All of it was fabricated, but the parent was believing the child, and making assumptions about other children here, and how I handled things here. I set the parent straight and said this behaviour will not be tolerated. This is an intelligent and articulate child, so this child is manipulating for his/her benefit intentionally.
I have a gut feeling this could be a slippery slope, and this child is already very high maintenance for other developmental reasons. Do I trust my gut and cut this child loose if this continues? I just get a bad feeling, this could lead to false accusations in the future, especially when the parent takes the child's word over mine. Any thoughts or suggestions???

Secondtimearound
04-15-2014, 09:49 AM
I was just talking about this topic with a friend , who is a preschool teacher . I am having a similar issue with a very clever two year old . I share your concerns ! Especially as you say the parent is accepting the child's interpretation of each situation . The fact that the parent didn't come to you immediately with any concerns is so frustrating !!
This is what my friends advice to me was to casually mention the child's confrontations and to make sure the parent knows the true scenario , she said if the child is doing this at dayhome they are prob doing it at home too . This works for mine because dcg misunderstands the children's actions around her , such as a child building blocks with her is wrecking her blocks as example . I was worried because the dcg was climbing our inside slide and another two yr old girl joined her , the one grabbed onto the other and the one starts screaming ,"she tried to pull my pants down !!" ( while it was what she grabbed the intention was not there )
I am constantly reinforcing what the true motives were , and mentioning it at pick up , in my situation mom is pretty understanding and I feel like I have a handle on it !
I think you should trust your instincts .

bright sparks
04-15-2014, 10:42 AM
The fact that the parent believed their 3 year old AND didn't bring any issues up with you has alarm bells going off in my head. The parent should have at the very least mentioned to you that xxx came home last night and told me xyz happened, prompting a conversation between the two of you. To take a 3 year olds word as gospel is silly but the fact that she never brought it up with you would have me wary of this family too. I would raise this with the parents. How are you supposed to work together if the parent isn't approaching you with their concerns. Obviously anything the child says should be heard and responded too, whether it is because something actually happened or because they are compulsively lying. This needs to be nipped in the bud for the child's sake but it sounds to me like these are the types of parents who would just leave rather than deal with it.

giraffe
04-15-2014, 11:42 AM
I think that this child poses a risk to you, your family life and to your business. I would terminate.

Other Mummy
04-15-2014, 11:58 AM
I would terminate as well. What if this child accused you of abuse. Not worth it. Terminate ASAP and replace.

Daisy123
04-15-2014, 12:10 PM
Very much a slippery slope. If you decide to terminate make sure that you state VERY clearly in writing the cause of termination. Make duplicates. You don't want the parents coming back at you with the accusation that they're being asked to leave because you're covering anything or because they're right in their assumptions. I wonder if the parents are maybe asking leading questions of the child at home, looking for problems, and because the child is bright enough to realize that accusing others is getting them attention, they continue it themselves.

Busy ECE mommy
04-15-2014, 12:17 PM
It is apparently happening at home and outside of the home too, so it's not exclusively here. There is still a gut feeling that the parents don't believe my version of events 100%, you can kind of read it in the facial expression and tone of voice. This is an only child who rules the roost at home, and can do no wrong LOL.

jammiesandtea
04-15-2014, 12:28 PM
I agree with the others who said that this child and family is a HUGE risk and liability to you and to your business. This sort of lying and fantasizing is not harmless and it's not going to get better, only worse. The fact that dcmom believes her 3 year old without having even discussed it with you, is even more worrisome.

This family is not worth this amount of risk to you and it's her parents' responsibility to figure it out and fix the situation with this child, AFTER they have left your care. You need to protect yourself.

These stories almost always escalate and end with increasingly more damaging lies that can cost a provider her reputation, her business, her own children, or even her freedom. I would terminate immediately.

Lou
04-15-2014, 12:48 PM
I deal with a 3 1/2 yrs old that does this constantly. It grates my nerves to no end but thankfully his parents understand that he is making it up, they are on my side and are working on it at their end as well. Also, thankfully, I only have him for another 2 months...and he's part time.
This child is constantly CONSTANTLY blaming others (especially my son) for every little thing that may or may not have happened. I will be sitting right there and my son will walk by and he will cry out "LOU, ______ PUSHED ME!!" When he wasn't even close to him. Or, he will instigate some kind of drama then tattle on whatever kind of retaliation he gets in return. It's so frustrating and any kind of behaviour guidance or talk just gets blank stares in return.
This is the same child that I vented before that was telling his parents that he hates it at my house and that he sits in time outs all day and that I call him "bad". Not language that I use here at all, and also completely not true. He would have happy, wonderful fun days here. He's also the one that almost put my son in the hospital after a particularly aggressive incident. He has always been this wonderful happy little boy, but since his sister started last year it's just been a nightmare....countin g down the days...

5 Little Monkeys
04-15-2014, 02:38 PM
Because we work alone and often have no other adult around to vouch for us, false accusations can be extremely detrimental to our business. If this child is lying about things and the parents are believing the stories, I would discuss this immediately with the parents. I would let them know your concerns with this and have a plan in place to deal with this in the future. It would be exhausting to have to explain every made up story to the parents but I would ask them to please come to me with any story that seems "made up" so that we could discuss exactly what happened that day. I would also start a journal if you don't already have one. I would write down things that happened that day to help you remember...such as johnny hit jill with a block, susie told me johnny did this, jack hit his head on the table etc etc etc.

If this doesn't work and the child continues to make up stories, I would let the parents know ahead of time that termination may have to happen because you are not willing to risk your reputation and business over this. I would explain that perhaps a centre dc would be better because than at least the staff have each other to verify that these stories are false.

I have had one child who would go home and tell stories and even though the parents would sometimes mention these things to me and I always cleared them up, I always got the feeling that they didn't fully believe me over their 4 year old!! This child manipulated her parents so bad, it was very hard to watch!! I had a discussion with mom and mentioned that the lying was becoming a cause of concern to me. Mom was in denial over a lot of her daughter's behaviour but this was not one that I wanted to let go because it was now me that this behaviour was going to affect. Mom brushed off this concern of mine and said that maybe she misunderstood her daughter or didn't hear her correctly!! Ya right lol, she just didn't want to accept the fact that her daughter was lying...a lot! Shortly after they decided to put her in full time preschool and I think it was for the best!

kassiemom
04-21-2014, 11:30 AM
document everything. Keep a journal and when an incident happens write it down that way if something comes up in the future you have time, date and scenario all documented.

hannahjo
04-23-2014, 11:12 PM
I don't think terminating him would be a ethical way to handle this. Ask the parent to make the child understand that lying is a sin. If he still continue to do that, ask the parent to take him to a child psychologist. That should solve this problem. He is after all a child and it is not fair on your part to terminate him from your daycare where kids get their first grooming (http://weewatch.com/making-a-quality-child-care-choice/qualified-child-care-providers/). Make sure that the parent knows the scene. Have a word with her.

bright sparks
04-30-2014, 07:52 AM
I don't think terminating him would be a ethical way to handle this. Ask the parent to make the child understand that lying is a sin. If he still continue to do that, ask the parent to take him to a child psychologist. That should solve this problem. He is after all a child and it is not fair on your part to terminate him from your daycare where kids get their first grooming (http://weewatch.com/making-a-quality-child-care-choice/qualified-child-care-providers/). Make sure that the parent knows the scene. Have a word with her.

Seriously? As simple as that...ask the parents to MAKE the child understand that lying is a sin....oh and if the child continues to lie, take them to a psychologist!?!? I can't help but laugh at this ridiculous suggestion.

Artsand crafts
04-30-2014, 09:14 AM
Seriously? As simple as that...ask the parents to MAKE the child understand that lying is a sin....oh and if the child continues to lie, take them to a psychologist!?!? I can't help but laugh at this ridiculous suggestion.

I think this is not a serious poster. Looks like a teenager having fun around here. I don't think psychologists won't be able to keep up if all parents with this issue follow this advice. Telling a child lying is a sin??? What about parents that don't believe in God or choose not to be involve in any kind o religious teaching. I guess they go directly to the psychologist :laugh:

The links on this post take you to Wee Watch. I worked for Wee Watch, they weren't the best, but they didn't look that off back then.

Fun&care
04-30-2014, 09:42 AM
I don't think terminating him would be a ethical way to handle this. Ask the parent to make the child understand that lying is a sin. If he still continue to do that, ask the parent to take him to a child psychologist. That should solve this problem. He is after all a child and it is not fair on your part to terminate him from your daycare where kids get their first grooming (http://weewatch.com/making-a-quality-child-care-choice/qualified-child-care-providers/). Make sure that the parent knows the scene. Have a word with her.

Ethical? How is suggesting a caregiver put herself at risk then, ethical? A caregiver who no longer feels she can provide care for a child and wishes to terminate should be free to do so. Of course we all try our best but sometimes there are children/parents/situations that are not worth our time and energy to deal with and termination is the only way. At the end of the day we don't OWE anything except our best efforts to these families and when those fail or should I say when our best efforts get "used up" if that makes sense then it is time to move on. Not everything is FAIR in life!