PDA

View Full Version : Some parents who don't want to be around their kids



adaycarelady
04-21-2014, 05:21 PM
When I first started a daycare, I did not expect to see how many families would just leave their kids with me just because I was open and had an opportunity to go home without them there.

5 Little Monkeys
04-21-2014, 06:10 PM
I have from time to time had parents drop kids off while they took a sick day or holiday but I have to say, for the most part, my parents have always kept their child home with them when they could. I offer a discount ($10 less/day) if they let me know before payment is due if they are going to be doing this. I have found the times that they do send them is when they have already paid and an unexpected day off comes up. I understand, they are paying for the service, so it's up to them to decide how they want to deal with it. If a parent takes a day to themselves from time to time, I am okay with it. However, when a parent is home often and still sends their child, I feel sad for the child. But this is my job and they pay me to do it so what can you do? I try not to waste my time worrying about what others do anymore...makes life so much more enjoyable :)

I also state in my contract that parents should be picking their child up shortly after their shift has ended and not waiting until my closing time if they do not need too. For quite some time, I was done work an hour early because all parents followed this suggestion/rule. Today I have a new child and they need care right until the last minute so my early days are over but that is okay too. I knew my early days wouldn't last forever haha. I am a daycare provider, not a babysitter and my parents know they are paying for the service not the hours.

mattsmom
04-21-2014, 06:12 PM
You think that's bad?

I had a pair of daycare brothers who's parents took a week or so in the summer and the 2 weeks at Christmas, off work and sent them to me every single day...and wouldn't even pick up early!! Not to mention that to shut the kids up when they knew mom and dad weren't going to work and they wanted to stay home, dad would bribe them saying that when they got home from my house he would have a treat waiting for them! I would try to drop subtle suggestions, like "oh, they are the only ones here today(or this week), because the other parents took days off to do fun things with them", or "I remember when I got time off work before I did daycare and I cherished the extra time I got to spend with my kids". They totally didn't get it :no:

I've gotten parents like that all the time over the years. I still get miffed when a mom would drop her child off with mom still in her sweats and tell me that she has the day off but she just wanted to go home and back to bed. Hell, I would love to be able to do that too, but unfortunately I have parents that rely on me every day!!!

5 Little Monkeys
04-21-2014, 08:02 PM
I totally understand what you mean adaycarelady! Unfortunately, some parents view it as a day they are paying for and not the service. I make it very clear that I am not a babysitter and that this is daycare. I am not with an agency so I fortunately don't have to worry about parents complaining about me. If they don't like the way I run things they are free to leave though.

I wouldn't go as far to call it neglect....just a different parenting style. I've been in the daycare business for a long time and have seen many different types of parenting and sometimes there is real neglect and that is painful to see and when actions need to be taken. Leaving their child with their dcp that they are paying is not neglect IMO.

5 Little Monkeys
04-21-2014, 08:16 PM
It's sometimes frustrating to see parents do things so differently than we do or would do but we have to ask ourselves...are they neglecting/endangering their child or just doing things different than me? In the end, these are their children and there are probably a lot of things we do that parents don't like either but unless the child is being harmed, we sometimes just have to deal with it, both the parents and the providers.

I used to get upset/frustrated/annoyed with things (and trust me, I still do from time to time!!) but I have learned that there are some things I don't get to have a say in or control. As long as the child is happy, well cared for and loved that's all that matters! Fortunately for me, I have a great fiance and bff that allow me to vent about some of the crazy parenting styles I have seen! LOL

Momof4
04-21-2014, 08:34 PM
It is sad, very sad when parents are on vacation and bring their child to daycare every day. It breaks my heart! But I am here doing my job and the parents pay for their space and are entitled to use their days. There is no use getting upset, but give that child an extra hug! I can't imagine being that kind of parent but there are a lot of them out there I've discovered.

So now, I don't judge at all. If a parent needs a day to themself or to get a lot of work done around their home without their child, what difference does that make to me? Usually they will use a short day. But I had a parent on vacation last month who used their usual 9 hour days every day and I have a very different opinion of that parent now, I admit it.

mickyc
04-21-2014, 09:19 PM
Oh I totally agree!! I have a few just like that! I had one mom today with the day off who had a doctor appointment. I imagine her doctor appointment was only an hour or so not the 7 hours that I had the girl. The same mom took a week holiday in the fall and I also had her daughter 3 days out of the 5.

I have another mom who had today off. I asked her last week if I should expect her daughter today. She said she would let me know as she wasn't sure yet. She said she really would like a day to herself but was debating on whether she was going to feel like getting up and dressed to bring her daughter here today. She ended up not coming. I just shake my head though...sure it is nice to have a day to yourself but I have her daughter from 8-5 everyday then on weekends she pawns her daughter off on grandma a lot. Poor kid!!

One dad who picked up today picked up in his casual clothes and not his uniform. Not 100% sure but I assume that he was home from work today as well being Easter Monday.

I just don't understand it. I would like nothing more than to spend a day with my own child.

2cuteboys
04-21-2014, 10:46 PM
I had only one here today as well. I try not to be bothered by it, but the funny thing was that she was dropped off because dcm said she had to do yard work... Which is exactly what I had to do. And did do. With her kid and my two! (And don't worry, nothing dangerous!)

cfred
04-22-2014, 05:40 AM
Wow...it's a little harsh in here! No one actually knows, in all cases, what these parents are doing with their bit of free time while the kids are at daycare. We all know from our own busy lives that sometimes it's just easier to get things done without the little gaffers around. I'd probably be taking advantage of that time to do the bigger jobs I couldn't do with toddlers swinging from my apron strings....or...god forbid...take a day to myself. I've sent my own off to care (before my own daycare days) when I really didn't need it. I was a stay at home mother and my 2 went for the mornings at a local daycare centre. If I'd been able to afford it, they would have stayed for nap too! I don't think that makes me a bad or inattentive parent. It makes me someone with some free time to get stuff done without stopping every 2 seconds. Bless all of you who love juggling a pile of kids while doing your yard work, home renovations, house work, what have you. Not all of us love that and if there's a daycare space there, paid for and available, then why wouldn't a parent use it? I love my kids but have never had qualms about leaving them in care if I needed some time. And to this day, though I love my kids, I also have no qualms about leaving them behind and taking off for a vacation for a week by myself. I also love my sanity. I'd be so offended if I was a parent reading some of these comments in here.

Sassygirl
04-22-2014, 06:45 AM
I agree that alot of parents don't seem to want to be around their children during their time off.
I have parents who send their children on their days off, some the entire day, some pick up early. They send them for various reasons, appts, wanting to clean (I agree with the other poster completely about cleaning around your kiddos - I still manage to get my cleaning done while running a daycare, its called FREE PLAY LOL!) etc.
That said, I have just re opened after a 3 week maternity leave, and being home with my 2 year old and trying to keep him busy was trying to say the least and I completely understand now, and will no longer judge those moms who still send their kiddos while home on maternity leave.

Artsand crafts
04-22-2014, 06:46 AM
Wow...it's a little harsh in here! No one actually knows, in all cases, what these parents are doing with their bit of free time while the kids are at daycare. We all know from our own busy lives that sometimes it's just easier to get things done without the little gaffers around. I'd probably be taking advantage of that time to do the bigger jobs I couldn't do with toddlers swinging from my apron strings....or...god forbid...take a day to myself. I've sent my own off to care (before my own daycare days) when I really didn't need it. I was a stay at home mother and my 2 went for the mornings at a local daycare centre. If I'd been able to afford it, they would have stayed for nap too! I don't think that makes me a bad or inattentive parent. It makes me someone with some free time to get stuff done without stopping every 2 seconds. Bless all of you who love juggling a pile of kids while doing your yard work, home renovations, house work, what have you. Not all of us love that and if there's a daycare space there, paid for and available, then why wouldn't a parent use it? I love my kids but have never had qualms about leaving them in care if I needed some time. And to this day, though I love my kids, I also have no qualms about leaving them behind and taking off for a vacation for a week by myself. I also love my sanity. I'd be so offended if I was a parent reading some of these comments in here.

Why not get help for kids once in a while for a home renovation, or another project that could be even dangerous for the kids to be around, but every single vacation time and being the first one to be dropped off and last one to picked up ??? God forbid to spend a little extra time with their child! I just read in another forum about a family taking a week vacation overseas and leaving the older boy at daycare and with care of family of friends and family and taking the 10 mos baby with them. Dad is a pilot so budget does not look to be a problem there. What else can it be other than considering the older one a burden during their vacation time.

After experiencing with that kind of parents myself it does not get me as it used to be any more. I feel bad for the child, but there is nothing I can do about it.

nschildcare
04-22-2014, 07:03 AM
This gets my goat, too. I don't begrudge parents time to themselves but there is no way they need to leave a child, from open to close, every time they have a day off.

In my case, dcg2 is left here for almost 11 hours a day, whether mom and dad work or not. They never pick up early and I can count on one hand how many times they have kept her home willingly in the year and a half she has been coming.

This child is also pawned off on grandparents on weekends.

Guess who has the most behaviour issues?

I feel badly for the kids and for the parents. One day they will realize what they missed out on. Maybe.

cfred
04-22-2014, 08:03 AM
Yeah, I can see the point on the open to close thing. But other than that, I'd have no issue with it. I have a client who had wanted to keep their child home on their day off, but he pitched a fit as he wanted to come here. Personally, that gave me the warm fuzzies :) Of course, it HAS happened, on occasion, that everyone was home but one kid and that kind of bugs me....not for the child but for purely selfish reasons ;)

Wonderwiper
04-22-2014, 08:20 AM
I'm with cfred....I don't care and it's none of my business what parents are doing while their kids are with me! I have more than enough going on to get my knickers in a knot over this. If I am open, come on in! The more the merrier for me, I don't find it easier to have less kids...my group is easier when everyone is here!

mattsmom
04-22-2014, 08:21 AM
I had only one here today as well. I try not to be bothered by it, but the funny thing was that she was dropped off because dcm said she had to do yard work... Which is exactly what I had to do. And did do. With her kid and my two! (And don't worry, nothing dangerous!)

And that's the thing I find funny. I can get so much done with a gaggle of children with me including yard work, weeding the garden, doing laundry. Heck, on the Fridays, in the summer, when my family is getting ready to go camping, I can pack, get the trailer packed, make food while the little ones are napping and be ready as soon as the parents come. I also have taken daycare babies with me to numerous doctors appointments just so parents don't complain about having to take a morning off!

I too, don't understand how these parents can't seem to do menial tasks with one child that I can get done looking after 4 or 5. :rolleyes:

mickyc
04-22-2014, 09:57 AM
I have a problem with it for a few reasons. I rarely close, take max 10 days off here and there throughout the year all because I hate inconveniencing my families. I know this is my own doing and my fault but sometimes it would be nice to have a break from the kids too. I would love to actually be finished work early on occasion too. I don't have a problem if a parent has the day off and has an appointment, is painting their living room etc. but there is no need for them to be here the minute I open and the last to pick up minutes from when I close. It really makes me feel taken advantage of sometimes.

I have started offering a $5 discount to families who give me one month's notice of day's their child will be away. It is working for the most part! More parents are taking advantage of it and taking time away with their kids. It is nice for the other kids too when I only have 1 or 2 because we go on field trips that we wouldn't normally do as I can only fit 3 in my vehicle.

Pretty sad day when the child would prefer to spend the day at daycare instead of home with the parent. That should be the parent's first clue!

cfred
04-22-2014, 10:08 AM
Pretty sad day when the child would prefer to spend the day at daycare instead of home with the parent. That should be the parent's first clue!

Not sad at all! They're wonderful parents and very attentive. The kid just loves me, that's all. He also sees me outside daycare (as all the kids do on occasion). As I've said in the past, I'm close with many of my families and this is just an offshoot of it. I spent New Year's Eve at this particular boy's home and he came with his parents to visit me following my surgery. Even with my freaky scarred face, he still ran up to me. There is always (ALWAYS) a grand reception from him when he catches sight of me. It's flat out adorable! I think you've missed the mark there....sometimes they just really enjoy daycare and it's an extension of their family, which is a lovely thing to behold :)

mickyc
04-22-2014, 10:18 AM
I think it is so important for a child to spend time with their parent when they can especially if the parents are home. I think it is great the kids love you so much but they need that time with their parent first and foremost IMO. I have my daughter with me everyday with all the daycare kids and there is still nothing better than a day off together. It makes me sad that parents don't want to see more of their children.

I guess it just all stems from the fact that my husband is divorced and barely got to see his kids grow up. Now they are grown up and those years are lost.

Artsand crafts
04-22-2014, 11:05 AM
When parents care about their child's well-being, they will care enough to spend quality time with them. and QUANTITY time, too! I agree with your post.

5 Little Monkeys
04-22-2014, 11:50 AM
And that's the thing I find funny. I can get so much done with a gaggle of children with me including yard work, weeding the garden, doing laundry. Heck, on the Fridays, in the summer, when my family is getting ready to go camping, I can pack, get the trailer packed, make food while the little ones are napping and be ready as soon as the parents come. I also have taken daycare babies with me to numerous doctors appointments just so parents don't complain about having to take a morning off!

I too, don't understand how these parents can't seem to do menial tasks with one child that I can get done looking after 4 or 5. :rolleyes:


I understand what you mean. However, most of us choose this profession because we enjoy kids and are good at what we do and are capable of multi-tasking. There are a lot of jobs that my dc parents do that I know I couldn't. I have been told by many that what I do takes a special person but I think lots of jobs require special people and that's what makes different personalities so great :) I had one mom who told me that she is a better mom because of dcp's....she knew her son was in good hands during the day while she worked and than she was able to enjoy her children in the evenings and days off because she wasn't stressed. She knew that she couldn't be a sahm and I respected her for this. I know quite a few sahm's whose children would benefit so much more in dc. It might be harsh but for some families, it's reality IMO.

I also totally understand when kids want to come to dc rather than staying home. I don't think it's bad on the parents part....most (but not all!)kids would rather play with friends than stay home IME. I have a coupe kids who don't want to go home at the end of the day and I know it's not because home life is horrible, just that dc life is so fun!!

I have only had parents send them on the odd day off, I have never had parents on holidays and still send their child. The reduced fee probably helps this but I think for the most part, the parents truly do want to spend time with their kids. I totally agree with how some kids and parents just don't get along tho! Lol. I can see why they might want a few days to themselves!

bright sparks
04-22-2014, 01:13 PM
I think it's easy for everyone to judge the parents staying at home but none of us have all the facts necessary to make an accurate judgement on the where and why of things. How does anyone ACTUALLY know that the parent sat on her ass all day and ACTUALLY thought "thank god I have the day away from my child" ?? A lot of what has been said on here does imply that this is what is thought of those parents or could easily be interpreted as so, but the fact is none of us know. Perhaps yes the doctors appointment is only for an hour but maybe the parent can get a lot of other things done while they are out which would be slowed down if their child was in tow. What about those parents who struggle to keep themselves together and self-care needs to prioritized for their mental well being. This actually makes them better parents and is in the best interest of the child and the child is left with a daycare provider who has an educational program, is helping their child develop well and providing a safe environment for them while the parent does what they may have to do to keep themselves together, all be it that for some, this may simply be lying in bed all day.

I believe that it may be a shame for the child to be dropped off at opening time and picked up right at closing time, but how about instead of being passive and tip toeing around the situation, you state with confidence that you would like the parent to pick up and drop off at slightly different times to make the day shorter for them. It's your business and if you don't like the way a parent is acting then say something. If you don't feel you can, then IMO the chances are that it's because it oversteps the boundary of a daycare providers role and just highlights the fact that this is simply a difference in parenting styles.

People leaving one sibling with grandparents and not the other while they go away is something that I could never do and taking two weeks off and not spending any of those days with my child is again something I would never do, but this isn't about me and there is nothing I can do to change these people so it's wasted energy getting angry about someone else's actions that do not effect me. I also doubt it will scar the child for life enough for them to be an alcoholic....if you actually research causes for addictions this wouldn't necessarily stand out as a common cause? Also the child at this age would be happy as long as they are loved by someone, and children don't even form long term memories until approx 3yrs old so I don't think we need to over react about. How is it any different TO THE CHILD, if they don't see a parent all day because they are at home or if they are at work? The kid, at least for our general age group, are none the wiser and aren't any worse off as long as who they are with loves them and cares for them.

Lou
04-22-2014, 03:54 PM
Not all the time, and not from open to close, but if I had the opportunity to have a day to mself to rest and relax and do NOTHING your damn right I would take it! I'm not just a Mom, I'm not just a wife or a dcprovider...I'm ME and investing a little time in ME is healthy for everyone in my life, my children included.
Next weekend I'm going to NY for 3 days. Is it selfish and bad parenting of me to not bring my children along and that I found safe and enriching care for them for when I'm gone? Nope. I'm sorry for you if you think that.
It doesn't happen often, but when I parent drops off their child and says "I'm just out and about running errands so you can reach me on my cell or at home", I say "Sounds nice! Have a great day!".

kimg
04-22-2014, 06:26 PM
It doesn't really bother me. Would I like to have 1 less kid? Sure. But I've been a working mom, and I get it. I felt like I was constantly running. Dropping my kids off at daycare as soon as she opened and racing to work to get there on time, leaving at 5:00 on the nose every day to battle traffic and get there at 5:29 everyday, looking at the clock every minute worrying I was going to be late. Getting home at 6, and having to throw dinner on the table, hopefully give them a bath, and get them to bed by 7:30 so I could clean the kitchen, make lunches, throw a load of laundry in. I use to do my grocery shopping/errand running/ whatever, on my lunch break or after the kids were in bed. I had absolutely no me time, and I was miserable.

In the summers, we use to get every friday afternoon off because we took reduced lunch hours all throughout the year. I went home, grabbed lunch on the way, and sat on the couch for 4 hours catching up on my DVR shows. I picked up my kids about 1/2 hour early. I felt an incredible amount of guilt, but it made me a better mom. I looked forward to that time all week, and it kept me going.

Time with your kids is important, but it isn't always about quantity. Because I was able to recharge, my time with them was also quality time.

With the exception of 2 families (that I know of), all of my DCF have times when they are home but still send their kids to me. There was only one family that I was bothered by. Mom was early one time, and when she realized, she stopped at the local hardware store to wander around until pick up time. Dad from the same family was also laid off (construction job, it happened every year), and DCG was brought to me every day for almost a month. Open to close, save 15 minutes. Even on her birthday. That one got to me, but I think it was more because the kid was a nightmare and drove me to drink most nights. :)-

Lou
04-22-2014, 07:13 PM
When I was a child, my greatest memories were of those family members who where with me. How is a parent suppose to make positive childhood memories if they not around their child? Oh well, us daycare providers shouldn't even care since we are not paid to care about their futures. Back when I was growing up, I even had my grandparents spend time with me and these days a child is lucky if their dad sticks around. The type of parents who see their child as draining should find a 24 hour daycare and then they will never have to be around their kids! They can do all the 'recharging' they need to do and not have to be bothered! I guess quality time just isn't valued anymore these days, oh well, my kids are not deprived of quality time. I take them with me everywhere and we go on family trips. When I wake up in the morning, I don't dread them and get them ready to dump them off at daycare. I am thankful for them as there are some people who try and have kids, but can't. There are also people out there who have lost a child and would do anything for another moment with them.

I'm guessing this is directed at me since you randomly brought up "we go on family trips" after I just posted that I am going to NYC next week. Are you suggesting that I do not value quality time with my children because I dare go on a solo vacation with my cousins for the first time ever? And that I should feel guilty because I am not bringing them along? If so, that's laughable. My kids are my life, anyone who actually knows me knows that. And of course we go on family vacations, and spend quality time together. Parents CAN give their children a wonderful, fulfilling life AND take time for themselves you know.

mickyc
04-22-2014, 09:44 PM
I am also one who would never vacation on my own. My sister is always wanting to go on a trip to Vegas and I keep refusing. I would rather take my husband and my child and Yes I do find it hard to understand why she doesn't want to do the same.

I was one of those women who thought I would never have children and struggled many years before having my daughter. I think it gives me a different perspective on spending time with my daughter.

cfred
04-23-2014, 05:35 AM
I didn't struggle to get pregnant and I absolutely adore my 3 children, who I've raised alone for most of their lives. Everyone has their own struggles and muddle through because they value their children, but it doesn't mean they have to be glued to their sides indefinitely. I can tell you why someone like Lou or myself might want to travel without them once in a while......because it's bloody fantastic, that's why! I travel every year alone...and have done for years. I've also taken my children on family vacations. Traveling alone is a momentary opportunity to be just me...not mum, not provider...not anything to anyone but myself. And when I'm backpacking, EVEN BETTER!!! Kudos to anyone who wants to dedicate every single moment to their families. That's great! For me, I like to spend a little time on myself and it's not strange, or show that I don't love my children. I love to backpack, meet new people, see the world and enjoy some quiet moments. And, I have to say, the ability to spin in a circle, arms outstretched on a white sand beach without hitting any children is the bees knees :)

bright sparks
04-23-2014, 06:48 AM
This is not aimed at any specific individual, it is relative to everyone. Each to there own, but don't be so judgemental of those who do things differently than you.....it does not make a mother a better mother because she is with her child more than another person. Majority of people who don't eat together in the evenings don't have the luxury of choice most of the time. I am with my children more than anyone else and I adore them more than I could possibly put into words. They are my whole world and I always put them before myself. As a result of this I am on the brink of being a lesser mother than I could potentially be. Because I have cared for them at the expense of myself, I risk not being the mother they need, because I have been surrounded by people who have told me that it is WRONG to put myself first, to take care of me, to be an individual and that when I chose to be a mother that nothing else mattered. I wish I had been influenced by people who practiced a balanced lifestyle where taking care of myself was encouraged along with taking care of my family. I won't allow judgey judgey types with ABSOLUTLY NO CLUE of what it's like to be in my shoes act like because I do things alone and leave my children with others that I am somehow less of a parent. I am actually doing my children a service by giving them opportunities to interact with others and build independence without helicoptering around them. I always did everything with my children and essentially lived for my children. Focus your energy on your own families, not judging others when you know nothing about what their life looks like, only what you presume and judge from where you are stood.

Why be so concerned with a life that is no concern of yours. You may think because the parent has regular alone time that it is detrimental to the child, but is the child sad? Quality care and Quantative care are different things. You can't possibly know that the parents constantly disregard their child, neglect them or dislike them. Those are assumptions and not fair to make. Maybe spending less time with the child allows for valuable self care for the adult, and better quality time when it is family time. Less chance of being taken for granted too.....Why because another person takes alone time, maybe even regular consistent alone time without their child are they being labelled as less than adequate parents and not caring? Are they judging the parents who have their children glued to their hip and constantly decline invitations and opportunities to do things as an individual?? Let's be compassionate to people and spend less time coming to our own conclusions on what they are like when really we have NO CLUE!!

bright sparks
04-23-2014, 07:00 AM
I am also one who would never vacation on my own. My sister is always wanting to go on a trip to Vegas and I keep refusing. I would rather take my husband and my child and Yes I do find it hard to understand why she doesn't want to do the same.

I was one of those women who thought I would never have children and struggled many years before having my daughter. I think it gives me a different perspective on spending time with my daughter.

I agree it likely gives you a different perspective, but not a better one. My mother had 3 miscarriages and both my brother and I are adopted. Like many people, but definitely not all and likely not the majority, when trying for a child for many many years, sight can be lost of why a person wanted children in the first place. Struggling to conceive does not make a person more likely to treat their child any better than someone who conceived easily. I suffered severe neglect as a child and it was down to the individuals that were my parents, but not reflective by the fact that "initially" I was a more wanted child, apparently. I wanted my children as much as anyone who struggled to conceive, but that doesn't effect how I parent my child or how much time I choose to spend with them growing up.

I think a lot of the problem with feeling frustrated about not understanding another persons choices and actions is this prenotion that we need to understand. It's not our life, essentially none of our business, and we don't need to understand, just respect the wishes of others and try our best not to be so judgemental of those who choose to do things differently than us. Most of the time, we don't have all the information to make a proper call anyway, and without being in that persons shoes, or in their head space we don't see a situation for what it truly is. I shake my head at things others do, but If it doesn't effect me, or hurt anyone then I really would be doing myself a favour by getting over it.

mickyc
04-23-2014, 08:12 AM
I never said my way is right. I have many life experiences that have made me the way I am. I had a rough upbringing, witnessed my husband's struggle of missing out on his children's upbringing and struggled with infertility and miscarriages for years before our daughter came along. These are the reasons that I choose to play an important role in my daughter's life. I want her memories to be of fun things we did while she was growing up. I am as far from a helicopter parent as can be.

No I don't understand why a lot of parents don't want to spend more time with their children. I do find it sad for the kids who would have loved to have a day at home doing something special with mom/dad on their day off. All my daycare kids love coming to daycare but I feel it so important that in a world where parents work all day long, only get to see the kids a few hours in the evening and possibly on weekends (if they aren't pawned off on grandma!) that it is so much more important for a parent to MAKE the time to make special memories with the kids.

I have no issues with parents being busy doing something like appointments, home renos, cleaning house etc but there is no reason a child needs to be at daycare from the second I open to the second I close just because they are paying me. I totally agree that there needs to be a balance of time with your children and time without but they are small children! This is when they need their parents! When they are pre-teen and over then they can have more freedom.

Also we are all humans and we judge people everyday! That is what we do. This is a forum to express our feelings - I thought that is what it is for. I certainly don't tell my parents that I think they should spend more time with their child even though I do. We come on here to let our feelings out.

dodge__driver11
04-23-2014, 08:56 AM
At the risk of sounding like the odd man out here... I am going to venture out and say that I specifically schedule time without my child. Each Saturday he has playdates, Karate etc and Sunday he is at t ball, and swimming. (with his dad) I am with him as part of my daycare group Mon-Fri, as well his dad works 2 other jobs, so I really hardly get any time without him or children present.

I too struggled during my pregnancy, and he will be and is my only child.

I think this is rather apt.

http://www.umbrelr.com/young-mother-giving-kids-dont-blame-her/

And before you jump on me saying that is part of parenting I say, part of being a good parent is having my own identity separate from that of my marriage and my family. Does that make me selfish......? No. I don't think so. It makes me me.

Have a great day ya'll.

Lou
04-23-2014, 08:59 AM
Wow, I wonder if anyone else is feeling as mind boggled as me, lol.
This is the first trip that I am taking away from my kids, ever. 3 days. 3 freaking days. I'm excited about it, and believe I have the right to be! It feels absolutely crazy to me that others would be judging me as a parent for this. So, I'm curious about what people think the detrimental effects to my children are going to be? And in the grand scheme of their entire lives, how me getting out and having a little fun one weekend a decade deserves a head shake?

I agree with the annoyance that there are a certain type of parents who seem to dislike parenting. I'm assuming that this thread had those type originally in mind, but there are a lot of general statements going around that somehow fit in anyone who takes a little time for themselves as a negative thing. Saying things like "Why wouldn't you want to be with your kids?" is such a judgmental statement...it's saying that anyone who spends even an hour out getting a pedicure, is selfish.
Obviously, we all love our kids to the moon and back, heck most of us quit our jobs to change into this low paying, high stress, long hour job so that we could be there for our children more. And I'm going to boggle your minds even more......wait for it.........
..........
..........
.......... I send my 3 1/2 yrs old to preschool 2 days a week. *GASP* And guess what? It doesn't mean I love him any less than you (general you) love your children. And it doesn't mean that he thinks I don't want to spend time with him. Sad? Heck no! He gets to enjoy the company of his other friends in another cool environment, with other fun and loving adults. It doesn't mean jack about my parenting, nor will he look back on his childhood and ponder "my, how I wish I didn't go to that fun school 2 days a week when I was 3..." DIFFERENT experiences make up a child's memories, and they don't always have to be with you. And they will still be great, and loving, and warm memories. And when I'm gone for those measly 3 days, my kids will be here with their Dad and their Grandma is coming over to sleepover...so, if they remember cuddling with their Lola or playing hide and seek with their Dad over the last game of Wok and Roll they just played with me, then that's fine by me. As long as they were good memories :)

mattsmom
04-23-2014, 09:18 AM
I think what frustrates some of us is not the parents who occasionally take their day off to themselves, but the ones who constantly do it. Also, when it comes to say, Christmas holidays, when you have almost all your dc families taking days off and actually spending time with their kids versus the parents who will take the whole 2 weeks off and throw it in your face that they are off and don't even think of coming to pick up even a half hour earlier.

There is nothing wrong with taking the afternoon to do some shopping or get your nails done, if your paying for it. I have been a working mother as well, for years, when my kids were little....I totally get it. But I'll be damned if I spent every single one of my days off or holidays without spending some time with my children. Now that one of my boys is grown and moved out and the other is approaching his teens, I think back and realize how fast they grow up and how important it is to spend those younger years with them..

Fun&care
04-23-2014, 09:47 AM
Well I'm late to the party but I have to chime in here...it's funny how everyone sees things differently. When my dc parents have the day off I always say something along the lines of " good for you! Enjoy some time to yourself" just because I find them incredibly lucky for being able to take some time off without their child every so often. I don't have that luxury because we don't have family in town to babysit so we have to pay a teenager what seems like a small fortune every time we want to go out. If my kids were in daycare and I had the opportunity to drop them off for yes, the ENTIRE day while I do whatever I want, whether it be chores or errands or just having a movie marathon, damn straight I would do it! There is nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs time to recharge, and recharging is pretty much impossible with little ones around, at least for me. Yes of course there are "those" parents who drop their kid off even when they are on a 2 week vacation but honestly, how do we know that maybe things are not that great at home, maybe they have struggles with depression or any mental disorder. How do we know that maybe these parents desperately need the time off to work on their marital relationship? WE DONT KNOW. And part of me feels that those who hold grudges against parents for doing this are actually the ones who need a vacation the most and just don't take enough time to take care of themselves.

bright sparks
04-23-2014, 10:42 AM
Well I'm late to the party but I have to chime in here...it's funny how everyone sees things differently. When my dc parents have the day off I always say something along the lines of " good for you! Enjoy some time to yourself" just because I find them incredibly lucky for being able to take some time off without their child every so often. I don't have that luxury because we don't have family in town to babysit so we have to pay a teenager what seems like a small fortune every time we want to go out. If my kids were in daycare and I had the opportunity to drop them off for yes, the ENTIRE day while I do whatever I want, whether it be chores or errands or just having a movie marathon, damn straight I would do it! There is nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs time to recharge, and recharging is pretty much impossible with little ones around, at least for me. Yes of course there are "those" parents who drop their kid off even when they are on a 2 week vacation but honestly, how do we know that maybe things are not that great at home, maybe they have struggles with depression or any mental disorder. How do we know that maybe these parents desperately need the time off to work on their marital relationship? WE DONT KNOW. And part of me feels that those who hold grudges against parents for doing this are actually the ones who need a vacation the most and just don't take enough time to take care of themselves.

BRAVO...I agree completely and that's exactly what I was getting at too.

dodge__driver11
04-23-2014, 11:06 AM
It just boils down to whether or not a parent enjoys their child's company. Just like people, all kids have different personalities. And if a parent sees their kids company as a positive experience instead of a draining one, then they are more likely to spend time with them. What parent wants to be around someone who drains their happiness? Back in the olden days, parents didn't have daycares. But in todays world, it has become much easier for parents now that they have daycares to drop their kids off to when they don't feel like being around their child. Daycares benefit from this too since they are making money, so it is a win win for the parent and daycares. But not so much for the child when they become old enough to see that mommy and daddy are dropping them off and doing stuff without them. Maybe they will grow up and become an alcoholic to fill a void because their childhood memories are filled with being dumped off at daycare every day. Not saying daycare workers are not loving, but nothing can replace the bonding between a parent and child.

I beg to differ....

When my child was in lic. care, and the only child at home I sent him to play with others, and later when I first opened I sent him to preschool. Not because I was lazy or aloof, or disliked him...It was because i recognized his needs, and the fact that he needed to get used to other authority figures.....

Even now he is in daycamps this year because my oldest dck is 1.5 years younger than he.... He is at an age where he has his own friends and interests.

AmandaKDT
04-23-2014, 12:57 PM
Was I wrong to open my mouth...

My very good friend came for a visit with her two young kids this morning. We were talking about getting the girl friends together for a visit and she said she finds it hard when we try to plan kid-free get togethers because she only gets 2 days a week to spend with her husband and kids, and doesn't want to go do anything for even a few hours away from them when she is off work. She has said this before and I held my tongue, but today I couldn't help and I told her that her situation is no different than any of the rest of us that balance working full time and having a family. Anyone that is working full time only gets the weekend to really spend time with their family.

I didn't say this part to my friend: should that mean that you never do anything other than work and be a mom?

It just makes me feel like she thinks they're in some kind of special situation, where in reality every single one of us has a couple kids and a husband too. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with my friends that doesn't involve having to constantly be interrupted by requests for food and to resolve an argument about a toy - or to do something that isn't oriented towards the kids. I think it is a recharge to get to just be my own person for awhile, even if it is just an hour here and there. I know my own situation is different since I am doing home daycare, but my sister and my other friends all have kids and work and are happy to get together without the kids once and awhile.

cfred
04-23-2014, 01:20 PM
Just leave her out of it then Amanda. It's her choice whether or not she can part from her family for a couple of hours. I don't get it, personally, because, since my divorce 14 yrs ago especially, I've been aggressively honing my selfishness. I felt so guilty for years about doing anything for myself that didn't include my children. Yep, those days are long gone now! In fact, I'm researching flights now for my next trip...woo hoo!!!! Then there'll be one with my boys after that (2 weeks camping in Puerto Rico)...they've already been to Turks and Caicos, Florida, England, Wales and Spain. I do include them from time to time :)

I don't think it's strange for you or any parent to find time to do things just as adults. When I booked our last Mothers' Dinner (night out with my clients) at a new gastro pub in town, those women couldn't get there fast enough! They were absolutely thrilled to have a night out with just us ladies....no men, no kids. It was lovely :)

5 Little Monkeys
04-23-2014, 01:37 PM
I mentioned this in a PM between another member and myself but wanted to comment here...

Isn't it funny how the dad's seem to have no problem having "alone time" yet the mother's are always the one who feel guilty or are made to feel guilty when they want some alone time?

How many dad's run to the hardware story by them self, go for a round of golf, have a few drinks after work, spend hours in their man cave/garage "fixing" things, etc etc etc. Definitely a double standard! lol

It seems that society feels that once a woman becomes a mother, she is no longer nothing but that and a wife. So many women forget who they were and become so lost in their children's lives that they don't take time out for themselves! It's sad :(

I think finding the balance between work, parenting and being a PERSON can be difficult but it is something that is needed to be done so that a person doesn't burn out.....or find themselves not knowing who they are once their children move out and move on with their own life!

bright sparks
04-23-2014, 02:12 PM
It seems that society feels that once a woman becomes a mother, she is no longer nothing but that and a wife. So many women forget who they were and become so lost in their children's lives that they don't take time out for themselves! It's sad :(

I think finding the balance between work, parenting and being a PERSON can be difficult but it is something that is needed to be done so that a person doesn't burn out.....or find themselves not knowing who they are once their children move out and move on with their own life!

This is exactly what I am faced with right now. I was a mother at 18, married at 19 and had both my kids by 20. I am turning 32 in June and amongst my cargo ship of baggage lol, it is quite possible that because my entire adult life so far has been as caregiver to others, that I am unable to cut loose my baggage and have a life outside of the role of caregiver. It is all I know and a huge part of it is because society plays such a big role in telling us what we should do and criticizing us when we don't do things the stereotypical way. As women the stereotypes placed on us are bad enough but as caregivers even more so. I now strive to make time for me, and it is difficult as habits are hard to change after leaving myself out of the equation for so long. Every new venture I take, or try to take are tainted with self doubt due to neglecting my fundamental needs throughout life because I only focussed on being a caregiver, and now I am paying the price. Being a mother, a wife and a caregiver should not be the only things that define who I am, but right now they are. For those without my sense of identity crisis, it is still easy to get lost in the day to day and then before you know it there is just you. I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad for looking after myself, at least I am not criticizing those who are, which makes me a better person straight away. It is one thing to judge others which is absolutely human, but it's quite another to make strong judgemental statements at large about people we do not know in the slightest, about the choices they make as parents.

5 Little Monkeys
04-23-2014, 02:24 PM
BS, my mother was similar to you. She was married at 17 in Oct, turned 18 in Dec, had myself in Feb and than my sister the following Jan when she was just 19. I also have a brother who is 8 years younger than me after she had a few miscarriages in between my sister and him. She was such a young mom and a had a lot of pressure on her. She ended up having a midlife crisis when I was 18 and divorced my dad the summer I graduated. She felt like she never had a life because she went from being a teenager to a mother of 2 and than eventually 3. Unfortunately though, the person my mom is today is someone who I don't even know or care to know. I often wonder if things would have been different had she been older before having kids or at least taken time out during our childhood to remember who she was, not just a mother to us.

I wish you all the best in your new chapter and hope that it is everything you want it to be!! I think it is absolutely fantastic that you looking out for yourself and realizing that there is more to you than just being a wife and mother!

cfred
04-23-2014, 02:31 PM
Are you still married Bright Sparks, or on your own now? For me, a really defining moment was when I strapped on a backpack and took off on trip, alone, that terrified me. While I was supposed to go with a boyfriend, we broke up 6 weeks prior, so I said 'Sod it....I'm going anyway!' Incredible experience and massive growth experience. My best advice to you if you're feeling an identity crisis coming on, grab your pack, book a ticket and go somewhere that pushes your boundaries. That'll show you who you are pretty quickly :)

AmandaKDT
04-23-2014, 02:32 PM
Just leave her out of it then Amanda. It's her choice whether or not she can part from her family for a couple of hours. I don't get it, personally, because, since my divorce 14 yrs ago especially, I've been aggressively honing my selfishness. I felt so guilty for years about doing anything for myself that didn't include my children. Yep, those days are long gone now! In fact, I'm researching flights now for my next trip...woo hoo!!!! Then there'll be one with my boys after that (2 weeks camping in Puerto Rico)...they've already been to Turks and Caicos, Florida, England, Wales and Spain. I do include them from time to time :)

I don't think it's strange for you or any parent to find time to do things just as adults. When I booked our last Mothers' Dinner (night out with my clients) at a new gastro pub in town, those women couldn't get there fast enough! They were absolutely thrilled to have a night out with just us ladies....no men, no kids. It was lovely :)

All those trips sound fun! I am hoping to get to do some travelling with and without my girls in the next few years. My husband and I were supposed to go to Cuba last November to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary but had to cancel because my younger daughter was in hospital (swallowed a piece from a board game and it got lodged in her throat - most awful experience ever!!!), but we are hoping to get to go some time in the near future.

cfred
04-23-2014, 02:34 PM
Coincidentally, I had my kids young too...not as young as you two, but my 20s were a haze of childbirth, babies, then divorce. I'm doing the 20s now, but with the wisdom of a 45 year old ;) It is IMPERATIVE to rediscover yourself. I can't even begin to tell you the levels of happy you'll hit.

cfred
04-23-2014, 02:35 PM
Amanda, if you're looking for places to go in the future, don't hesitate to ask. I've traveled quite a bit to the Caribbean and a bit to Central America and my boyfriend grew up on St. Maarten, Aruba and Curacao. We've got little islands dialed for ya :)

mickyc
04-23-2014, 02:46 PM
Now don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with some time away from the kids, that is not what I am saying. Maybe I have just had a bad group of parents but I really truly believe that some of my daycare kids (not all) could benefit greatly from some time with their parents on a day off. Over the years I have had some interesting families. There is nothing I hate more than the "I am paying you so I will send my child no matter what" attitude. I have had my share of these parents. I have had a child whose older sibling could go to grandma's for a day but he couldn't because he has to come to my house (because they were paying for the spot ya know!). It is these kinds of parents that drive me crazy. I had a family who constantly worked, worked from home, worked weekends, both had very busy careers and their lack of time with their child showed a great deal in his constant seeking for attention no matter if it is good or bad.

I also send my daughter to pre-school - yes she needs time away from me as well. My husband takes her to dance class so that I can do housework. We take full advantage of evenings she is at grandma's house to have a date night or go to a movie rated higher than a G! The reason I don't take holidays away from my family is because well we don't take holidays. That is not a luxury for us for financial reasons so in the event I ever could afford to go on one you bet my family would be part of it.

I have no problem with parents taking some "me" time and sending their child to daycare but come on....some need to put their kids a little higher on the quality time scale IMO. They don't need to be here from the second I open to the second I close if mom is at home (and I am not talking about the ones that do this on occasion, I mean the ones that do it often). I had one family who never ever (and I mean never ever!!) took a day off unless I took one. When she ended up going on mat leave she had over a month and a half of holiday time to use up.

For myself I love the break when a child gets to stay home with a parent, those are the days we get to do extra activities and go on an outing. It happens so rarely and the whole group loves it so much.

bright sparks
04-23-2014, 03:09 PM
Are you still married Bright Sparks, or on your own now? For me, a really defining moment was when I strapped on a backpack and took off on trip, alone, that terrified me. While I was supposed to go with a boyfriend, we broke up 6 weeks prior, so I said 'Sod it....I'm going anyway!' Incredible experience and massive growth experience. My best advice to you if you're feeling an identity crisis coming on, grab your pack, book a ticket and go somewhere that pushes your boundaries. That'll show you who you are pretty quickly :)

I am still married yes. 12 years this June. My husband is 10 years older and fortunately very patient and supportive. I am currently suffering from PTSD and have developed a phobia surrounding the safety of my kids which is likely a product of my closeness to them and developing a subconscious dependency on them due to the neglect I experienced as a child. Kind of ironic that I should be caring for other children with no issues at all but my own children I literally have a "worse case scenario" playing on loop if they aren't at least in my vicinity. I desperately need to do what you said. I am just full of fear. I really want to go to the women's retreat, alone, on pelee island this summer. Fingers crossed I can find the courage.

Identity crisis is putting things lightly. I am enrolling in Uni for September 2015 taking Psychology and Sexuality and I swear to god I will be putting that before everything else. My kids will be 14 and 13 then and I think it will do them a lot of good to not have me around half as much. It will be best for my whole family before everything with me hits the fan. It takes so much mental energy to keep myself together for work, which I believe I do a terrific job of doing, but it comes at a heavy price. Thanks for your kind words ladies :flower:

Lou
04-23-2014, 07:56 PM
adaycarelady- PLEASE enlighten me as to how I am having such a difficult time with motherhood. I am very interested in your wisdom. I am dead serious that I would like to hear what makes you a better mother than me.

dodge__driver11
04-23-2014, 08:15 PM
I'm sorry to hear so many of you are having a hard time with motherhood :(

Oh please don't tell me you just went there. I feel like that black lady bobbing my head on the Maury show, saying "oh no she ditn't!!" LOL

I am fine with my motherhood, and love my son more than words can say......

I am also fine with having my own identity, and being my own person, and there is nothing wrong with that....

Lou
04-23-2014, 08:16 PM
I know it wasn't directed at only me, but your blanket statements are targeted at everyone who doesn't parent exactly like you. I wish you could take a step back and hear how judgmental you are coming off.
And this:
"When I see people talking about how nice it is to be away from their kids and travel without their kids, I'm thinking that maybe they are having a hard time with motherhood" What the hell?? lol. So, yes this is in my direction since I discussed my excitement over a weekend trip to NY. So, how, in your opinion, does me being excited to spend a weekend with my cousins...my first weekend away in 9 yrs mind you...make you think that I'm in any way having a hard time with motherhood, or that I wish I was a part time mother?

Lou
04-23-2014, 08:18 PM
And even if I took a solo vacation every year, which I don't...how does THAT imply that I must be overwhelmed and wish I was a part time parent??

cfred
04-23-2014, 09:50 PM
LOL!!! Seriously??? I travel every year....by myself. I'm a dedicated mother who loves her children very much. Going away for 2 or 3 weeks per year max does not, in any way make me a part time parent or mean that I'm having a hard time mothering. Quite the opposite actually. I think I've got a few things sorted out that you may not have yet. I'm a very happy, independent woman who has sorted out her life, raised her children (who are in fact well adjusted and happy) and has come to the valuable realization that my identity is not entirely wrapped up in my children. Because someday those kids are going to move on. It's a good idea to have a good grasp on who you are aside from Mummy before that happens...and be damned sure you like it, or the empty nest is going to hit hard!

Jesus....that was quite a statement. Wow....don't fall off that high horse and get a concussion!

Wonderwiper
04-24-2014, 06:31 AM
As a mother....I am teaching my children that they can be anything they want!! They don't have to be pigeon holed into one thing. I am teaching them that everyone does things differently and that it's ok. Different isn't better or worse.

People who are confident in their own choices and decisions don't need to put others down for theirs.

mickyc
04-24-2014, 08:00 AM
wow did this discussion ever get side tracked!! LOL

cfred
04-24-2014, 08:18 AM
LOL....I was thinking the same thing. OR, we could say it evolved :) Yeah, that sounds better.

AmandaKDT
04-24-2014, 08:29 AM
I am still married yes. 12 years this June. My husband is 10 years older and fortunately very patient and supportive. I am currently suffering from PTSD and have developed a phobia surrounding the safety of my kids which is likely a product of my closeness to them and developing a subconscious dependency on them due to the neglect I experienced as a child. Kind of ironic that I should be caring for other children with no issues at all but my own children I literally have a "worse case scenario" playing on loop if they aren't at least in my vicinity. I desperately need to do what you said. I am just full of fear. I really want to go to the women's retreat, alone, on pelee island this summer. Fingers crossed I can find the courage.

Identity crisis is putting things lightly. I am enrolling in Uni for September 2015 taking Psychology and Sexuality and I swear to god I will be putting that before everything else. My kids will be 14 and 13 then and I think it will do them a lot of good to not have me around half as much. It will be best for my whole family before everything with me hits the fan. It takes so much mental energy to keep myself together for work, which I believe I do a terrific job of doing, but it comes at a heavy price. Thanks for your kind words ladies :flower:

I took a course in Sexuality when I was in university and it was very interesting.

AmandaKDT
04-24-2014, 08:33 AM
Amanda, if you're looking for places to go in the future, don't hesitate to ask. I've traveled quite a bit to the Caribbean and a bit to Central America and my boyfriend grew up on St. Maarten, Aruba and Curacao. We've got little islands dialed for ya :)

Thanks, we found it very overwhelming trying to pick a place to go. My husband is from Congo in Africa, which unfortunately isn't too helpful in the travel department as I won't be going there any time soon!

Fun&care
04-24-2014, 08:38 AM
I'm sorry to hear so many of you are having a hard time with motherhood :(

What an immature and hurtful comment. Honestly there really is nothing wrong with disagreeing with each other, there are a lot of us here who are mothers and I bet you can't find two of us who parent exactly the same. There just was no need to make a comment like that. Most of us come here to have honest and open conversations together and even when we don't agree there is no need to resort to making blanket statements and hurtful comments. Were just gonna have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.

bright sparks
04-24-2014, 08:40 AM
I took a course in Sexuality when I was in university and it was very interesting.

I'm applying to major in it. It is fascinating and I think it will compliment the psychology major nicely. There are only 3 universities in Ontario that offer it as a major so I am very excited and also that I can take it as a double too :) I'm going for a campus tour tomorrow!

mattsmom
04-24-2014, 09:18 AM
Ok, you are way off base. I have 2 grown children and if I NEVER had time away from them from time to time, I would have gone crazy. I love my kids more that anything and I totally enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have say, a weekend away with my husband to reconnect.

As one other lady said, what are you going to do when you have an empty nest? Do you have your own hobbies and outside interests besides staying home with your kids?

The original post was about dcp's sending us their kids every single time they had a day or holidays off. And that I totally agree with. But you have taken it too far. Just because you don't enjoy a trip here or there without kids over the years, doesn't mean these ladies are worse of a mother than you are. And they aren't saying that they don't spend time or other trips with their kids either.

cfred
04-24-2014, 09:24 AM
Oh for the love of Pete! You cannot equate a parent taking some days off or a vacation without their kids with neglectful parenting. That is absolutely ridiculous! And no, I'm not watching Dr. Phil at nap. Frankly, I think he's a pretentious, egotistical man and, at times, find him to be full of crap. I'm busy at nap time playing cards or having a conversation with my son who comes home for lunch.

Yep, probably best to agree to disagree. Clearly, none of us with a life beyond home can measure up...lol. I'm highly skeptical of those who claim to be the most knowledgeable about things. I've been dating long enough and heard enough men brag about their 'capabilities' to know that most people like that are generally not all that and a bag of chips....the same can be said for many things.

It's probably time for this thread to come to an end.

bright sparks
04-24-2014, 09:30 AM
Don't any of you watch dr phil during naptimes? He says you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so maybe some of you don't realize the impact of your actions. It is usually negativity that wears a person down to the point where they can't keep up with life/parenting demands so need regular 'breaks'. Living a positive lifestyle helps positivity. Are you eating a good diet? Do you need a new mattress to have better sleeps? Little things like that can help a person have enough positivity to get through daily demands. Then that way they don't get worn out and have to lay in bed all day to recharge or have to go on regular holidays. Maybe it's a good idea to agree to disagree. I should not have to convince parents to spend more time with their OWN children, how sad is that? Especially with daycare providers who should know the benefits of quality time. I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me. You could google the benefits of quality time with children. Then see why quality time is so important. You may also run into many articles about how many parents are too 'busy' for their children and how it is impacting their well-being.

But that is bias research. You would find just as many articles explaining how important it is for people to spend time away from their children and a list of the benefits to both the adult and the child as a result. Biassed research simply serves to reinforce your beliefs, even if they are wrong and that pertains to anything not just this subject. And Dr Phil...are you kidding me that's who you are going to use to back up what you say lol the guy may very well be educated but he doesn't even have a license so anyone can Google that kind of stuff or offer words of wisdom but it's not gonna be the same for everyone.

Wonderwiper
04-24-2014, 09:36 AM
Bwaa ha ha!!! I can google why its ok to beat a wife, how to make a pipe bomb or lose 40 pounds if I start smoking.

When did what I read on google become fact? Must have missed that.

bright sparks
04-24-2014, 09:40 AM
Bwaa ha ha!!! I can google why its ok to beat a wife, how to make a pipe bomb or lose 40 pounds if I start smoking.

When did what I read on google become fact? Must have missed that.

Oh my god you just made my cheeks hurt...thanks

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 09:47 AM
Ok I truly need a "you need Jesus meme" for the expression on that lady's face. (google it if you don't know what I mean) And its not for the religious factor, but as I said for the expression, you adaycarelady are making some pretty strong assumptions about who we are as people because some of us are choosing the parenting style that works for us.

I have been in this field for 6.5 years (a newbie by most standards) and yes I can say that there are some parents who take the first chance to drop off their kids, get a nanny and whatnot, but I can say with great accuracy that My husband and I do not do this..... but why try to explain? I feel like you'll just take my words out of context.

I spend 50-60 formal hours/week with children dedicated to their early years and development, and I chose to stay home with my son, as to not miss out on his years as a child. I was talking about this thread last night with DH, and here are his thoughts:

He hopes that who ever you are adaycarelady that empty nest syndrome doesn't hit you so hard that it does mental harm, and he means that sincerely. He is speaking from experience with his own mother....She still hovers over him in some fashion to this day, and he argues with her about it. I did that at the risk of generalization, because you have generalized all of us in some way.

I am not saying that those who choose a different parenting style are any less than I, it just makes us different, and I agree to disagree with their method, because after all we are individuals. With minds of our own.

momofnerds
04-24-2014, 09:48 AM
ok, I will chime in too. I had family who were guilty of dropping off to do stupid things like tanning, getting their nails done or even putting up the christmas tree. So in my contract I know have a clause that I only watch children for families who go to work or school (now I do have the odd ones who need and stop and do an errand and I have no problems with it because its a rare thing)

imagine, I had kids who would see their parents drive by the house and get so excited thinking that they were going to go home only to find out that no one was picking them up. I got so sick and tired of this behavior and how unfair it was to the kids.

also, putting your child in daycare or preschool for socialization or getting them ready for school is one thing, but dumping them off because you need a day to yourself is totally something else. I get wanting to spend time doing things, but these are the same parents who party all weekend, dump their kids off with relatives on the weekends or even during the weekday put their kids to bed early so they can have "alone time". So how much alone time do people need, why have children if you want alone time.

this makes me mad and sad at the same time. Mad because it feels like no one cares but me and sad for the kids because I'm the one who listens to them, plays with them and treat them like family, no wonder I have kids who never want to go home.

cfred
04-24-2014, 10:09 AM
She's not 'abusydaycarelady' Dodge....there is someone in DCB by that name, but not this one. This is just 'adaycarelady'.

mattsmom
04-24-2014, 10:09 AM
ok, I will chime in too. I had family who were guilty of dropping off to do stupid things like tanning, getting their nails done or even putting up the christmas tree. So in my contract I know have a clause that I only watch children for families who go to work or school (now I do have the odd ones who need and stop and do an errand and I have no problems with it because its a rare thing)

imagine, I had kids who would see their parents drive by the house and get so excited thinking that they were going to go home only to find out that no one was picking them up. I got so sick and tired of this behavior and how unfair it was to the kids.

also, putting your child in daycare or preschool for socialization or getting them ready for school is one thing, but dumping them off because you need a day to yourself is totally something else. I get wanting to spend time doing things, but these are the same parents who party all weekend, dump their kids off with relatives on the weekends or even during the weekday put their kids to bed early so they can have "alone time". So how much alone time do people need, why have children if you want alone time.

this makes me mad and sad at the same time. Mad because it feels like no one cares but me and sad for the kids because I'm the one who listens to them, plays with them and treat them like family, no wonder I have kids who never want to go home.

I actually had a mom (who was a neighbour and friend as well) who, after I had both her children for 10.5 hours that day, proclaimed that she needed a nap an hour after she picked up because they wearing her out! I had to bite my tongue after that comment, lol.

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 10:15 AM
Oh my bad so sorry will correct my post

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 10:33 AM
Now corrected.... :)

momofnerds
04-24-2014, 10:48 AM
I actually had a mom (who was a neighbour and friend as well) who, after I had both her children for 10.5 hours that day, proclaimed that she needed a nap an hour after she picked up because they wearing her out! I had to bite my tongue after that comment, lol.

you too, or how about the ones that tell you that their children were so horrible all night long (ya the 2 hours that they spend together) and I have them for up to 10 hours and don't have a problem all day, how does this happen. I don't understand how "I" can go all day with kids till bed time, and take my own to activities and the only time I get to have "alone time" is at 615am till 645am when my odd has to get up to go to highschool. Just doesn't make sense anymore.

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 11:00 AM
LOLOL yeah I find that funny too, ________ was so trying. I don't understand how __________ does that for you is one I get often too :)

Lou
04-24-2014, 12:43 PM
Don't any of you watch dr phil during naptimes? He says you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so maybe some of you don't realize the impact of your actions. It is usually negativity that wears a person down to the point where they can't keep up with life/parenting demands so need regular 'breaks'. Living a positive lifestyle helps positivity. Are you eating a good diet? Do you need a new mattress to have better sleeps? Little things like that can help a person have enough positivity to get through daily demands. Then that way they don't get worn out and have to lay in bed all day to recharge or have to go on regular holidays. Maybe it's a good idea to agree to disagree. I should not have to convince parents to spend more time with their OWN children, how sad is that? Especially with daycare providers who should know the benefits of quality time. I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me. You could google the benefits of quality time with children. Then see why quality time is so important. You may also run into many articles about how many parents are too 'busy' for their children and how it is impacting their well-being.

You know what else Dr. Phil says a lot? "OH GET DOWN OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE"

You parent differently than every other person on this planet. No two parenting strategies are alike. But it certainly doesn't mean that YOUR way is the best one. If I choose to go away for the weekend, it is not because I am feeling mentally drained, not eating right, or need a better mattress (wtf, hahahaha). It's because I WANT to! It's OK to want to have fun that doesn't involve your children. I promise. I spend 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week of quality time with my children, and I love them to the end of the earth and back....why else would I quit my job and open a business to stay home with them? But spending time with friends, your husband, or your family isn't the end of the world, or your kids world. "I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me." is saying that anyone who doesn't spend every waking moment with their children is not a dedicated parent and that's just bat shit crazy.
By the way, I noticed that you love to spew your gospel but never answer anyone's questions...so, please indulge me: How does a mother spending occasional time without their children negatively affect the child's overall well being? And how will spending every waking moment WITH your children help them to grow into better adults than those whose parents may have gone on a few dates with their husbands?
We all have different parenting styles, and that's ok. But it is not ok to make a statement about how our children are suffering because we do not use yours. There is no one way to be the perfect parent, but a million ways to be a great one.

nschildcare
04-24-2014, 12:55 PM
If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

All parents need a break. I regularly take a break from being "mom". My kids don't suffer for it, they benefit. I am a better mom when I get time to myself.

momofnerds
04-24-2014, 01:11 PM
If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

All parents need a break. I regularly take a break from being "mom". My kids don't suffer for it, they benefit. I am a better mom when I get time to myself.

your right, but I think what the op is saying is the ones that are always taking a break, like really why do you need to drop your child off for an entire week while you sit at home. And you know secretly, I think going to work outside your house where there are humans that don't carry toilet paper with them is a break for me lol! (sorry I had a little new walker unroll tp yesterday and I was in the middle of another bum change, it was so funny the look on his face) we all need breaks, but I find it odd that those who need the breaks spend the least amount of time with their children ??????

mickyc
04-24-2014, 01:18 PM
Yes the original post was about parents who constantly bring their child to daycare because they need a break. Personally I think a parent has been at work all day - that is your "me" time away from your kids. Most get 2 coffee breaks and a full hour for lunch of "me" time. Small children need their parents in the evening and on weekends. Yes there is nothing wrong with the parents taking the odd day/evening/weekend away but there are some who send their children to daycare a lot more than necessary - which is what this post started to be about (not about us provider's needing a break - we deal with kids all day long and usually care for our own all day long so we should be taking more "me" time). This is just my opinion.

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 01:26 PM
@ mickyc Wow you are right this has gotten way off base, and I have to be honest when my son was in lic. care and I paid for a ft spot..I would grocery shop, and go to the doc etc, when he was at daycare, and I was not booked to work..... But this was not a daily "day off thing."

It boggles my mind how some can say the care for kids, and yet in the same breath these very same people can come across as bullies and hypocrites. How can people with these traits be caring for our most precious, and building future adults...??

Lou
04-24-2014, 01:26 PM
Yes, I agree that's what the original post was about. And I completely agree with that annoyance! What the OP is now doing though is grouping everyone who spends time away from their children into the same group as parents who don't want to parent their children. She is using blanket and passive aggressive statements that apply to anyone who doesn't spend 100% of their time with their children.

momofnerds
04-24-2014, 01:39 PM
my odd went to daycare when I was on mat leave. She went 3 times a week for half a day. I wanted her to get ready for school and be around kids her own age and to learn to get away from me (cling on style) but I would never put her in all day everyday knowing I was home.

do you guys ever wonder down the road about those kids who spend all their time at daycare. I've been at this a long time so I now see the effects on some of the kids long term. Lots of poor relationships with their parents and lots of time spent on video games.

nschildcare
04-24-2014, 01:52 PM
my odd went to daycare when I was on mat leave. She went 3 times a week for half a day. I wanted her to get ready for school and be around kids her own age and to learn to get away from me (cling on style) but I would never put her in all day everyday knowing I was home.

do you guys ever wonder down the road about those kids who spend all their time at daycare. I've been at this a long time so I now see the effects on some of the kids long term. Lots of poor relationships with their parents and lots of time spent on video games.

Um, yes! So glad I am able to be home with my children.

And I do agree the post got off topic... because continuous daycare dumpers do irk me. I have one now and had one in the past. Here all the time, long hours, every day, and with gparents on weekends. these kids are starved for attention, loving parental attention, and their behaviour reflects it. I don't want to see these two in 5 years.

Lou
04-24-2014, 01:54 PM
I think it would depend on how the child was parented once getting home from daycare. My oldest (9) went to daycare full time but I dropped her off as late as I could and picked her up as early as I could while I went to University. If I was going to be held up at school or needed extra studying time then I would have my Mom or Dad pick her up so she wouldn't be there too long. My time with my daughter after daycare was ALL about her. She and I now have a very close, affectionate relationship...she WANTS to be heavy into computer games, lol, but that has a time limit ;) But if a child was in daycare from 7:30-5:30 then rushed home and the parent was too exhausted/stressed to pay them any notice while they cleaned, cooked, rested, etc then I can see how those relationships would be distant :(

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 02:06 PM
Wow Lady you seriously have balls.....and not good ones either...

I tried being nice..... I am done, this is utter nonsense....

Mieux vaut rester silencieux dans ce cas, vous ne pouvez pas fixer quelqu'un qui a la tête coincée dans le cul!

Anyways... Next...

bright sparks
04-24-2014, 02:24 PM
Wow Lady you seriously have balls.....and not good ones either...

I tried being nice..... I am done, this is utter nonsense....

Mieux vaut rester silencieux dans ce cas, vous ne pouvez pas fixer quelqu'un qui a la tête coincée dans le cul!

Anyways... Next...

bahaha....so true!

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 02:30 PM
@ Brights I tried Pming you...But your box is full, what did you find funny? :P

cfred
04-24-2014, 02:33 PM
Honestly, no one gives a flying monkey what you do with your kids. I'm not jealous of you nor do I have an issue with how you choose to parent them. I think it's admirable for any parent to do the best they can by their children, whatever style they may have. You are clearly a dedicated mother and that is to be commended. However, many of your comments condemning the way some of us choose to live our lives kind of makes you come across as...well, for lack of a better term....a heinous witch. I'm a good parent. I'd venture a guess and say that most of the women in here are. To have some Dr. Phil inspired nutter spouting off a bunch of pseudo-psychology indicating why I'm doing it wrong and am a poor parent is seriously lacking in social grace. It takes a special kind of personality to pull that off as you have. I, for one, am impressed! Not many people leave me in this slack jawed awe. Well done you....well done!

Unless you've been blinded by the glow of your awesome perfection, you might want to take a second, have a peek at some of your comments and think about how they might be perceived by those around you.

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 02:37 PM
Honestly, no one gives a flying monkey what you do with your kids. I'm not jealous of you nor do I have an issue with how you choose to parent them. I think it's admirable for any parent to do the best they can by their children, whatever style they may have. You are clearly a dedicated mother and that is to be commended. However, many of your comments condemning the way some of us choose to live our lives kind of makes you come across as...well, for lack of a better term....a heinous witch. I'm a good parent. I'd venture a guess and say that most of the women in here are. To have some Dr. Phil inspired nutter spouting off a bunch of pseudo-psychology indicating why I'm doing it wrong and am a poor parent is seriously lacking in social grace. It takes a special kind of personality to pull that off as you have. I, for one, am impressed! Not many people leave me in this slack jawed awe. Well done you....well done!

Unless you've been blinded by the glow of your awesome perfection, you might want to take a second, have a peek at some of your comments and think about how they might be perceived by those around you.

RoFL coppter a flying monkey..Super monkey with an orange cape......

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 02:42 PM
Oh oh one last thing, your chicken can look good on the outside all pretty and such, but it can still taste like crap.... I am making an awesome chicken, with smooth gravy, great veggies, and creamy mashed potatoes Just sayin' :)

Beer anyone....?

Lou
04-24-2014, 03:15 PM
Well, my point has been proven.
Wow. Just...wow. I wish I was perfect.

Anyways, I'm done...no sense beating a dead horse.

Keep your eyes open, Mods, "she" just joined this month and is already starting drama. I smell a you know what.

AcornsFalling
04-24-2014, 03:47 PM
Some people just like to stir things up... adaycarelady is just one of those people... They enjoy getting others riled up. Trying to discuss with such people is a waste of time because they aren't interested in listening.
Best thing to do is just move on to more constructive threads and share comments with those who actually want to learn and be friendly :)

momofnerds
04-24-2014, 06:41 PM
well well op, your last comment hit a nerve. Why don't you come on over to my house and at the end of the week tell me that you don't need a break. How dare you say that we don't need a break and that we don't care about our children, lady you only have 2 kids you have no idea what anything is.

I have 4 kids who are involved in school, honor roll, activities, not to mention I'm a girl guide leader on top of my full time job as a daycare provider. My day starts at 615am till 10pm every single night. Pshaw, raising two toddlers is peanuts to raising 4 older kids. So I like to go out by myself for a coffee or go to the store by myself, then sue me.

I think what your doing is also causing a diservice to your kids spending every single waking moment with them. You are the helicopter parent we all dread and laugh at. Your kids don't know how to do anything by themselves and will want you to entertain them all day long. You must also favor your children so much that your poor daycare kids feel left out, if you even run a daycare.

so next time you want to group me in with those parents, you better think twice, because I'll group you in with the frickin crazy helicopter parents who's children will grow up to be whiney brats who think the world owes them everything!!!

dodge__driver11
04-24-2014, 08:26 PM
Ok, you don't mean to start drama but you post that you have an online business, and kids around you??

I am sure the ladies around here have tons to do, but you don't see them lording over each other's heads how busy they are. I have a side business, daily planing, and all that... but I am not going to sit here and boast.....

Oh and guess what, this one aughta get you, I am a wheelchair user....Oh wait, according to the standards you look to be setting, I prolly should be in an institution with a bib on right?

Oh no, you're not starting drama.

yyc.director
04-24-2014, 09:37 PM
YIKES! Where do I even begin with this thread. I feel so sorry that parents are getting the impression that they are being judged by daycare providers about how much time their children spend at daycare, or the fact that they choose to have a day to themselves or take an Adult vacation. Let me tell parents right now, this is not the sentiment of most PROFESSIONAL daycare providers. As a childcare PROFESSIONAL (assuming you have some form of education) it not your right nor duty to decipher if and when parents are spending quality time with their children. You have no idea what their home life is like or what their personal circumstances are. Your job is to provide quality care, not judgement. If you are not happy with how long children are in your care, or them being brought in on non statutory holidays, or resent the fact you are having to provide care that you outline in your contract, perhaps you need to adjust your program plan and policies or consider a new profession.

Crayola kiddies
04-25-2014, 09:03 AM
Wow, I wonder if anyone else is feeling as mind boggled as me, lol.
This is the first trip that I am taking away from my kids, ever. 3 days. 3 freaking days. I'm excited about it, and believe I have the right to be! It feels absolutely crazy to me that others would be judging me as a parent for this. So, I'm curious about what people think the detrimental effects to my children are going to be? And in the grand scheme of their entire lives, how me getting out and having a little fun one weekend a decade deserves a head shake?

I agree with the annoyance that there are a certain type of parents who seem to dislike parenting. I'm assuming that this thread had those type originally in mind, but there are a lot of general statements going around that somehow fit in anyone who takes a little time for themselves as a negative thing. Saying things like "Why wouldn't you want to be with your kids?" is such a judgmental statement...it's saying that anyone who spends even an hour out getting a pedicure, is selfish.
Obviously, we all love our kids to the moon and back, heck most of us quit our jobs to change into this low paying, high stress, long hour job so that we could be there for our children more. And I'm going to boggle your minds even more......wait for it.........
..........
..........
.......... I send my 3 1/2 yrs old to preschool 2 days a week. *GASP* And guess what? It doesn't mean I love him any less than you (general you) love your children. And it doesn't mean that he thinks I don't want to spend time with him. Sad? Heck no! He gets to enjoy the company of his other friends in another cool environment, with other fun and loving adults. It doesn't mean jack about my parenting, nor will he look back on his childhood and ponder "my, how I wish I didn't go to that fun school 2 days a week when I was 3..." DIFFERENT experiences make up a child's memories, and they don't always have to be with you. And they will still be great, and loving, and warm memories. And when I'm gone for those measly 3 days, my kids will be here with their Dad and their Grandma is coming over to sleepover...so, if they remember cuddling with their Lola or playing hide and seek with their Dad over the last game of Wok and Roll they just played with me, then that's fine by me. As long as they were good memories :)


Lou I went to Jamaica for a week last nov with my two sisters and my aunt and it was incredible .... Our first trip together and I hope not our last..... I have five kids of my ow and then of course the daycare kids .... I was so happy to get away and recharge my batteries and have adult conversation ( hubby works two jobs and is gone from 9am - 10:30pm so I'm alone with the kids all week) I felt I was starting to burn out and was snapping at my kids all the time .... Enjoy your trip to NYC ... You deserve it!!!!!

mickyc
04-25-2014, 09:19 AM
yy.director - The part you don't understand is we get to know a great deal about the families that are in our care. Coming from a relatively small city everyone knows everyone it seems. We are all professional providers but we have opinions as well. That is what daycarebear is for, to vent our feelings and frustrations. I (and most I think here) don't have an issue with parents taking some "me" time every now and again. But we do have those parents who drop off the second we open, pick up the second we close and put their kids to bed within 2 hours of being picked up at daycare, and also send the child to grandma all weekend long. We know these things, we talk to the parents daily, we interact very closely with their child day in and day out. We know when mom has the day off and is at home doing nothing!

I have had many parents with "I am paying you therefore I am sending my child no matter what" attitude. It is sad, it really is. So you may think it is petty but we are the one's dealing with the kids all day who are sad because older sibling went to grandma's for the day but child HAD to come to my house (because they are paying me ya know). We have hearts and love these kids too and only wish the best for them and know when they need some one on one time with mom/dad/grandma etc.

mattsmom
04-25-2014, 10:42 AM
Kind of off topic but, what about when parents are off, but don't let you know? I had a dcg this morning that ended up having diarrhea and fever so I tried to call mom at work. The person covering for her said she had the day off today. I called her cell to let her know and she came right away, as she was out doing errands in town, and not at work in a nearby city.

My question is, should parents be letting us know if they take the day off and how they can be reached, in case something happens to their child?

5 Little Monkeys
04-25-2014, 05:18 PM
Kind of off topic but, what about when parents are off, but don't let you know? I had a dcg this morning that ended up having diarrhea and fever so I tried to call mom at work. The person covering for her said she had the day off today. I called her cell to let her know and she came right away, as she was out doing errands in town, and not at work in a nearby city.

My question is, should parents be letting us know if they take the day off and how they can be reached, in case something happens to their child?

Yes absolutely! I tell all my parents that they need to let me know if they are out of the office or not at their job for the day. Most of them are really good about this, I have "caught" a few who didn't go to work for the day and didn't tell me but there isn't much I can do. Most of my parents have either had a direct line at work or they all check their cells at work so it hasn't been a problem. However, in the case of an emergency I need to know where the parents are so that I'm not wasting time phoning places they aren't even at! I don't care if they have day off but at least tell me so I know where to reach you ICE!

SLD
04-26-2014, 01:32 PM
Wow, judge much OP?

Personally, I prefer to work so parents can work or go to school. I don't mind part of a day here and there, mind you. I do require that pick up happen before or after nap time though so the kids aren't getting interrupted. I did it myself when I worked outside the home. PART of a day though. I would go to an appointment, maybe grab some groceries or even just tear through some housework and then go pick up ds and have the rest of the day with him. Now, drop off and pick up times are arranged with their work schedules, so that when they are finished work they need to come and pick up not go grocery shopping or whatever. Full time here does not equal open to close.

For me the bottom line is that I'm willing to work with parents to some extent. I have one mom who has every second Friday afternoon off. With her schedule and travel time she would end up here at nap. So she picks up right after.

Torahtots
04-28-2014, 09:56 PM
If a parent is paying for a service then why not? I feel lucky and flattered not used that I have the responsibility to care for their precious child.

Busy ECE mommy
06-02-2014, 06:35 AM
I have had many parents drop them here for all of Xmas holidays/all of March break when they are home(teachers). That breaks my heart. Yes you are paying for the spot, and by all means, please bring them in, but don't leave them 1-2 hrs longer than their regular day would have been if they'd been on a work schedule. Bring them in for a 6 hr day, so you can still accomplish things, and then pick them up early to spend some time with them. I find that mat leave parents who leave the older sibling in care seem to pick up 1-2 hrs later as well, so the child is here 10 hrs instead of the regular 8 hrs if mom was working. That drives me a little bonkers!

mattsmom
06-02-2014, 11:48 AM
I have had many parents drop them here for all of Xmas holidays/all of March break when they are home(teachers). That breaks my heart. Yes you are paying for the spot, and by all means, please bring them in, but don't leave them 1-2 hrs longer than their regular day would have been if they'd been on a work schedule. Bring them in for a 6 hr day, so you can still accomplish things, and then pick them up early to spend some time with them. I find that mat leave parents who leave the older sibling in care seem to pick up 1-2 hrs later as well, so the child is here 10 hrs instead of the regular 8 hrs if mom was working. That drives me a little bonkers!

But why are these kids staying longer than their regular hours? Do you just say "I'm open from this time to this time and they can bring their kids anytime in between?

I'm just curious because, for me, the parents and I agree on hours of care that they need and that's what they get. There is no leaving them here until closing when the parents are off, even if it's after their contracted hours.

Colleensmes
06-26-2014, 09:27 AM
i totally agree with you. There are some daycare in my neighborhood that stay open until late afternoon and all summer so the parents can leave the kids there all day long. Its horrible