Advice on Terminating my neighbors children...

[thenest]

I have been watching my neighbours 3-year-old, twin daughters for a month and a half now. One of the twins constantly screams, throws fits, hits, pinches and displays horrible behavior. The other children are scared of her and her twin will not even go near her. I have brought it to their mothers attention, numerous times, but she seems surprised and doesn't really care.
She cannot follow rules and has trouble with EVERY, daily transition. It doesn't matter what I do to accommodate her, redirect etc. When I put her on a time out she does a high-pitched scream, hits me in the face and refuses to stay on a time out. The screams will last for an hour!

Mom, has dropped the girls off with untreated bladder infections (the little one cried for two days straight), Mom asks me to take urine samples for her, drops her kids off in the morning while they are in the middle of a morning fit and then shuts the door for me to deal with it. I feel like there are extreme boundary issues!

The big problem.....they live right next door! I have three children of my own (one of which a baby), a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old, plus her sister. Our day revolves around her fits and my boys were late every morning for school, as she didn't want to go. This morning my baby was hysterical when they walked through the door.

Am I over-reacting? If not, how do I nicely terminate them?

[mickyc]

Sorry but there really is no nice way to terminate someone.

There is no way, absolutely no way! a child would ever hit me. They would be out the door so fast! I would just tell mom that you are terminating on ____ date due to the ongoing aggressive behaviour.

I know as providers we try to make things work but you need to terminate this child if all of your work has not made any changes and it seems like mom doesn't have the same parenting style as you. It isn't that mom doesn't care it is just that she doesn't see the behaviour as an issue.

Good luck. She will get over it eventually but it will be hard to be neighborly for awhile.

[thenest]

Thank you mickyc!

I respect most parenting styles, its the disrespect that really bothers me! I know I make the final call with who is in my home, I just want to make sure my decision is justified.

[Lou]

Definitely justified..especiall y at 3 yrs old she knows better. I would be terminating as well in the best interest of the group! As her neighbour, perhaps give her 1 month's notice in an attempt to soften the blow, but you are completely justified in termination.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Behaviour like she is displaying is a better fit for a centre. There are more staff and they can deal with the behaviour one on one while other staff are still available to tend to the other children. You are completely in the right to terminate for safety reasons.

Like Mickyc said, there is no nice way to terminate. Mom will likely be angry and it might be awkward being neighbours but in the best interest of all involved, termination needs to happen IMO.

[CrazyEight]

I had to terminate my neighbour's 4yrold boy for severe behaviour issues. It was very awkward in the beginning, but it got better over time - especially once he was diagnosed with a sensory disorder, and I think they kind of woke up and realized that it wasn't just me, that there was an actual, real issue that made home care an unsafe option for him. If/once you do it, give them space to get over it, but be friendly and polite when you see them - hopefully they'll eventually realize that you were in the right, and respect you for doing the awkward but necessary thing.

[thenest]

Thanks everyone! I spoke to mom last night about the hitting and she looked at her daughter and said: "we don't hit". She then turned around and hit her mom. All mom did was smirk.

I was going to wait until Friday to give her notice, but today her daughter high pitched screamed from 9 am until 12:30 pm. She also continued to run in the kitchen where she knocked over my 15-month-old and he put his tooth right through his tongue. She displayed no empathy, as he was bleeding everywhere and continued running and laughing. I put her on a time-out and she started high pitched screaming and laughing again. After 15 more minutes of the screaming I called their mother and there was no answer. Mind you every child in my care this morning is upset with her yelling. Terrible day!

[2cuteboys]

Wow, you have some control not to give her notice immediately!

I had a dcb recently who was quite abusive to my sons as well. Thankfully the parents backed off before I did, but I was ready to term him. The way I thought of it was "if he hit/bit/hurt one of the other kids, how could I possibly explain it to the other parent? Especially since he had been showing signs of it before. If this dcg knocks over another kid tomorrow and ends up hurting them, it would be tough on you.

[Lou]

Is her termination notice printed out and ready to be handed off at pick up?? Enough is enough!!!

[mickyc]

So you called mom and she cannot be reached! That is not OK, what if there was an emergency and you needed to get in touch with her.

I honestly would not even give mom notice. I would say that she has until the end of the week and that is it. enough is enough. This child would sit in timeout all day if it was me!

[mimi]

I think it is best that you do an immediate termination. In my 8 yrs of daycare I have only termed one child so I do not take termination lightly. This child's constant physical and emotional misbehaviour needs to be addressed by her parents whom IMO have no parenting style and seem to have passed on that role to you. Collecting urine samples is not our job and I would be embarrassed to ask anyone to do that for me, as a parent!
As for them being neighbors, who cares? These people seems the sort you smile and wave to and continue on and that is what I would do after the term. Good luck

[5 Little Monkeys]

I don't mean for this to get off topic but in regard to the urine sample....I once had a child who needed a BM sample and mom told me that I could call her at work when he had his BM and she would come deal with it. (he was in a diaper still) I told her not to worry, I was fine doing it for her.

I thought it was nice of her to offer to come deal with it but I didn't think it was out of my duties as a dcprovider. I never even thought of not doing it actually lol. This is why I love this site...I love reading how others deal with situations. I might have felt differently if she just expected me to do it though and didn't ask if I was okay with it!!

Not being able to reach mom is a big no no IMO. Of course there are times they are away from their desk or whatever their job may be but if she didn't reply to my msg I would be ticked. I hope you have a back up person you called to come get the child? Maybe that would show mom you mean business!

[thenest]

The issue with the sample was mom WAS home next door and just expected me to do it! I would never expect my provider to do that with my own children, so I was caught off guard when it was an expectation.

They were picked up and the parents were very apologetic. However, dads response was "we're going to nip this in the butt tonight!"
Are they serious!?!? I advised them to look to their pediatrition for tips on behavioural strategies, as I firmly feel she may have aspbergers or mild autism, but that's not my place to say. They did however reveal that she displayed the same behaviour in her previous daycare.

My letter will be ready Friday. They would be miracle workers if they could change behaviour in one evening!

[thenest]

Ps I couldn't call a backup, as they have no support system.

[thenest]

So you called mom and she cannot be reached! That is not OK, what if there was an emergency and you needed to get in touch with her.

I honestly would not even give mom notice. I would say that she has until the end of the week and that is it. enough is enough. This child would sit in timeout all day if it was me!

I cringe when I have to discipline her, as it's always accompanied by her high pitched squeals (shreeky from Care Bears) that can last for hours! Hence the call home today with the excessive four hours of screaming she did because she thought it was funny.

[Secondtimearound]

Great advice given !!! You think she might be hesitant to act with disrespect BECAUSE she's YOUR neighbour as well , the fact she isn't shows her personality ! I would have no issue terminating !
As mentioned she will have to deal with her daughter eventually , the school system would recognize it for sure ! Sad she wouldn't deal with some issues now !!!

[thenest]

Thank you all for the great advice!

[Lou]

Keep us posted!