Support please

[Lee-Bee]

Hi Ladies. Just looking for a bit of support.

In short: I started my daycare in January, have a full house and as much as I enjoy it I am closing my daycare, effective immediately. My husband has requested a separation. He is feeling like he is the left-overs, at the bottom of the priority list. As much as that is true...he is not at the bottom, I am as our daughter and the daycare have taken over any and all time and energy. We were starting to try and shift things so we had more 'us time' etc but clearly it was too late.

With a 16month old, working 10hr days plus time before and after for cleaning, food prep and everything this job entails. Plus having housework, cooking, cleaning, bedtime routine, waking a few times a night with a kid that doesn't sleep through the night...on and on. Well it's been a bit of a struggle on our relationship the last 6 months (not that there weren't struggles prior to that).

Anyways. I was booked for vacation all of next week. I had wanted to pull my act together over the weekend and give notice and do care this week giving 2 weeks notice (this week and my vacation week) as per my contract.

BUT I can't do it. I used a sick day today. I am clearly not going to be able to pull my shit together to be open this week. my daughter is already sensing the turmoil and is acting up and I just can't handle caring for 5 kids all week while trying to figure out where I am going to live, how to do spilt custody when all my family lives 21hrs away.

I am about to send out a letter terminating care. I will return this weeks pay and their 2 week deposits via email transfers. I know this is very wrong (terming immediately) and will screw over the families this week as they scramble for care for this week and for long term. But I just can't take care of other children when I am scrambling to take care of myself and my own child.

[torontokids]

I am so sorry. Is there no way you guys can figure this out in the short term now that the daycare will be closing? Have you guys sought counselling or is he just "done?"

I totally understand what you are saying about not having a lot to give at the end of the day. I think as much as a lot of us do this for our kids and our family, these people are most often the ones that are most impacted by the running of a home daycare.

[torontokids]

Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

[Lee-Bee]

Thanks. I don't know about the future. We talked a lot last night but I don't think it got us far. I made it clear to him that I felt we were failing our child if we didn't exhaust every available resource (counselling) before ripping her world apart. And he was/is thinking about it. When he asked if I truly thought counselling would fix it, for good not for 6 months I said that I honestly did BUT that I can't be the 6 people I am currently trying to be and that I need to quit work to be a full-time mom/wife/housekeeper and have a few minutes to take care of myself. That just led us back to the issue of my student debt...which the daycare has just started to allow me to pay off. I close the daycare I have a $30,000 debt. so I need to work...if I work then I have to try and be 6 people.
We make enough money to live on one income. but the student loans mess things up. There I the option of perhaps my closing the daycare and turning the daycare into a rental and having someone live in our basement (has everything down there) and their rent would pay my student debt.

but we are both a wreck right now. I am stressed and panicked and I just don't want to be under this roof right now with a husband that wants a separation. I need to pull myself together. he is being very calm and kind and compassionate and level headed. I am not. i am doing everything i can to remain nice and kind in return but my world has been flipped upside down my husband is walking around with no wedding ring on and i am an emotional wreck. my daughter knows it...she is acting out when around me and is really feeling it. i need to remove myself so i can clear myself of that emotion, at least enough that she isn't feeding off it.

Thanks so much ladies...already allowing me to think a tad bit clearer. what sucks even more is that large majority of our friends are joint friends so everyone local is stuck i in the middle if i run to them and vent. all my family and my friends are 21 hours away. they are all in shock now and are very supportive and helpful but all the offers of free places to live don't help me when it is 21 hours away and i need to find the cash to fly my daughter back and forth weekly to share her. gahhhhhhh life as an adult sucks, royally. Wish i could go sit in the sandbox and eat sand all day without a care in the world.

[CrazyEight]

Oh I am so sorry. This is something my husband and I have been having issues with too, him thinking that he is on the bottom. We have 3 kids under 6, plus 4-5 daycare kids everyday. It's been really hard; when the house is finally quiet and they're all asleep, all I want is to curl up with some tea and have everyone leave me ALONE for a bit, before the baby wakes up. At this point I feel horribly guilty that he feels the way he does, but at this moment there's not a lot I can do about it.

I feel your pain so, so much, and I hope this all works out for you. One risk families take when going with home care is things like this happening suddenly. Their children get a family atmosphere, which is worth it, but something things happen in families that you can't plan for. They will understand, and they will figure it out. You are already feeling stressed enough; let it go and focus on you and your daughter.

I agree with torontokids, if you know of any other providers, maybe try to send your clients their way?

Stay strong, take a deep breath, and take things one at a time. Hugs to you.

[torontokids]

What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

[Lou]

Oh Lee, I'm so sorry. The other ladies offered some wonderful advice. (((hugs)))

[Teagansmom]

So sorry you are going through all this. I agree with the others part of being in a home daycare runs the risk of things just coming up. Take care of yourself and your daughter, follow your instincts and listen to your gut. Hugs

[5 Little Monkeys]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I agree with the others, take care of yourself and your family first and the dc families will just have to understand. Try not to take on that stress when you already have so many other things that you will need to focus your energy on.

I hope that you and husband are able to work through this if that is what both of you want. You say that you can live on one income but that the dc money is paying your student loans, if I understand correctly? You also say that you enjoy doing the hdc so what about if you continue to do so but cut back your families? Maybe only have 2-3 families instead of 5? Renting out the basement would be a good idea too if your husband is just wanting the dc to go completely. Just remember, try not too lose yourself over this either. I understand that you most likely want your relationship to work but don't give up on things that make you happy either! (I don't mean to offend with this comment so I hope I haven't done so!! It's not my intention)

My fiance used to hate the dc in the beginning (and I'm sure still does from time to time!) but we can't live off just his income and I make more now than I did out of the home, so it basically came down to him just having to accept it. We have had more than our fair share of arguments over it but in the end, it really is what is best for us at this time. It is a bit different for us in that he works evenings so unfortunately, whether he likes it or not, he sees the dc and the kids a lot! He has come around and actually enjoys the dc more than he lets on (he has even started buying "me" xmas presents that are really for the dc....we had a talk about that!! lol) so I do hope that you and your husband are able to find a solution that makes both of you happy!!! :)

I don't have kids but one of the things that I do that helps our relationship, is that I do almost zero dc work in my free time. (well other than grocery shopping and responding to emails and such when needed) I am a HUGE multi-tasker and I clean during dc hours, I do interviews during dc hours, I do as much baking and cooking as I can with only the odd Sunday spent cooking for the week. I try to treat my dcspace as if it's not there when it's the weekend. If I need to do something, it can wait until dc hours for the most part. This allows me to spend quality time with my fiance. Having a business in the home, it is easy for us to spend WAY more time on it than working out of the home and it's not healthy.

I wish you all the best and hope that you and your husband can take some time together and figure out what the next step will be! Whatever it is, you will be fine and will come out stronger!! :)

[mickyc]

Lee-Bee I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think everyone has given you great advice.

Is your husband still willing to work on things or is he done? Sometimes no matter what you do to try and save a marriage there is no point in dragging out the inevitable. I know that isn't likely something you want to consider but for the sake of your daughter you need to really take a good look at your relationship and where your husband is at. I grew up in a household where the parents stayed together just for the kids and it was a nightmare. As a teen I begged my mom to finally leave and eventually she did. I love both of my parents but they were not meant to be together. Now they are both happy with someone else. It is hard sometimes but so much better than all the fighting and drama.

Don't worry about your families. Now don't take this the wrong way but as a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family I personally would not want my child kept in your care while all this was taking place anyways. You cannot devote the time and attention to the children and they will all feel the turmoil that is taking place. Not something as a parent would want my child to be a part of (something I try very hard in my marriage to not subject my own child to).

If your husband does not already have one foot out the door then I think it is a great idea to quit daycare, sell your supplies, and rent out your basement to pay down your loan. What about the option of only taking on a few children or even go to before/after school only? I too don't spend much time outside of daycare hours doing daycare things.

Also what is your husband doing to help the situation? Is he helping you around the house, with your daughter to give you time to be together. Or is he expecting you to be superwoman?

[Lee-Bee]

Lee-Bee I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think everyone has given you great advice.

Is your husband still willing to work on things or is he done? Sometimes no matter what you do to try and save a marriage there is no point in dragging out the inevitable. I know that isn't likely something you want to consider but for the sake of your daughter you need to really take a good look at your relationship and where your husband is at. I grew up in a household where the parents stayed together just for the kids and it was a nightmare. As a teen I begged my mom to finally leave and eventually she did. I love both of my parents but they were not meant to be together. Now they are both happy with someone else. It is hard sometimes but so much better than all the fighting and drama.

Don't worry about your families. Now don't take this the wrong way but as a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family I personally would not want my child kept in your care while all this was taking place anyways. You cannot devote the time and attention to the children and they will all feel the turmoil that is taking place. Not something as a parent would want my child to be a part of (something I try very hard in my marriage to not subject my own child to).

If your husband does not already have one foot out the door then I think it is a great idea to quit daycare, sell your supplies, and rent out your basement to pay down your loan. What about the option of only taking on a few children or even go to before/after school only? I too don't spend much time outside of daycare hours doing daycare things.

Also what is your husband doing to help the situation? Is he helping you around the house, with your daughter to give you time to be together. Or is he expecting you to be superwoman?

Over the last few months we've tried to make some changes to shift responsibilities some, but clearly not enough. My husband does help out, likely more so than most dads but with that comes the added pressure of him being a neat freak so needing the house cleaner than most etc. I can't meet that while working full time.

I don't yet know if he is fully checked out or not. Trying to figure that out. I took some insight from previous posts and just had a talk with him. I basically said that I don't understand how 'separating' helps to determine if he wants to be married or not but that I was not willing to give up on our marriage so I would comply with his need to separate, I will wait for him to figure out if he wants to put the effort in to trying to use every resource available to us to make this work or whether he wants to get a divorce and be done. I made it clear that I was not willing to give up but that I can't make things change if he isn't doing his share, meaning he needs to want to.

We'll see. I will take my daughter to visit family as planned, then return with her and I will set up home in the basement for a bit while he "thinks while separated'. I will provide childcare for him on his weeks of custody in exchange for living here with no rent (I have no income). Once he makes up his mind I will either move out or move back upstairs and will likely then rent out the basement to bring in some income so I can stay home and shift my time to being a mom/wife/housekeeper.

Hopefully with us being gone a week he clears his head and figures it out. I was in flight mode wanting out of here with a clean cut with everything all planned out asap. But I now realize that not only is that just no going to happen but that he does need time to figure things out on his end first. So I shall sit around and wait...oh joy. But, it's in the best interest of our daughter.

Part of this is escalated by the fact that his home growing up was more or less similar to yours. His parents divorced when he was a teenager but they clearly never were meant to be together and his mom and sister are controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive/draining. SO, he is extra, extra, extra sensitive to not being loved and understood and all that. SO I get why he is crumbing because things have just been to busy with not only having a baby but a daycare in the mix. BUT...in my opinion we have a child we are no longer just 2 adults that can split and go off to be happier (cause that ever happens) we need to do what we can for our daughters sake before we decide to divorce. I do not believe we need to divorce. We need a major shift so we can reset priorities. I frankly would sell the house and move into a 1 room condo so we can devote all time and energy to fixing things before I would just up and divorce. but he said he is too proud to sell his home. I explained I didn't mean we had to sell the house...but that we need to be willing to make some scarifies here (my income) etc. ok rambling...need to go wipe up my yogurt covered toddler.

[mickyc]

Good luck with everything! We are all here for you!

[Lee-Bee]

What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

Thanks...I've put the ball in my husband court to take some time and figure out what he wants. I made it clear that I was not willing to give up on our marriage. He said he needs time (undefined amount of time) to see if he wants a divorce or to see if over reacted and made a big mistake.

If he decides to try and work things out then we just need to get creative and make some sacrifices. If he is willing to flex on life a bit then money is not an issue. We have a second house we rent out. It could easily be sold and that money could pay off my debt and keep us going. Would he do that...doubt it. We are both of the mindset that my debt is mine and I really don't want him paying it off. I have always stressed about not pulling my weight...quitting work to have time and energy to devote to him and to fix things is a huge, huge step for me. It means he has to pick up my slack...and I hate that. But, if it helps I'll swallow my pride.

I HATE the idea of having someone living in our house. He proposed the plan awhile back and I shot it down. We don't need the income and I just don't like strangers in the house and the people they bring through...with a child now it freaks me out even more. But, I would be willing to take that leap if it helps bring in some money as a 'pretend income' for me. I can sell everything off (it's all good quality and near brand new) but I still doubt it'd bring in a huge amount second hand.

Anyways...the ball is in his court. I indeed have to sit around and see. Sucks to be me...but I will give him some time. Hopefully my being away with our daughter for a week is enough for him.

[Lee-Bee]

Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

I have no contacts of people nearby but sent them here. I was able to return this weeks fees (it was prepaid). I told them the deposits will come tomorrow or Wednesday. I had to transfer out of a savings account into my normal account to etransfer. With no expectation of closing the money was tucked away in a higher interest account.

So far I've heard from 3 of the 4 families and they have been very, very supportive. That helps wonders as closing was a huge stress on the already huge stress!

[Lee-Bee]

Phew...last family just responded. Very supportive as well. So relieved that there wasn't any stress created there. Can't take any more stress at the moment.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Glad to hear they were all supportive and understanding! Hope things continue to work out great for you!!

[Lee-Bee]

Glad to hear they were all supportive and understanding! Hope things continue to work out great for you!!

well, if things don't work out with my husband (really hope it does) then I now have a backup plan as 2 of my daycare families have come up with a plan of offering me the basement apartment in one of the families homes and both waiting until September for me to resume daycare in the new place. which would mean I can see my daughter all day on my husbands weeks with her (he would live 3min away) and I have a job and a place to live with my daughter and all that.

would still prefer to be back home with family but I can't be flying a toddler across the province every week so will likely have to live here for her sake.

still a sucky situation but I am wowed by what these families have done for me and my daughter (of course they benefit greatly in continued daycare for their kids). very much wowed right now.

I would likely just stick with the 2 families and my daughter for at least a few months until I get myself sorted out and my daughter eases into her new life.

[CrazyEight]

WOW, lee-bee, what amazing families you have!! They recognize good care when they see it! At least you have the fall-back option now, and you can take that worry off your plate.

[torontokids]

I'm curious what you told the families? It sounds like they got the full story?

I understand you would be in a tight spot if you need to move out but I would be wary about moving in with a client. I guess it would just mean your situation would be more like a nanny type arrangement? I would want to set up some very clear perimeters around this relationship.

My understanding would be that you do not have to move out if your ability to earn your income would be effected and in this case would become zero income.

[Lee-Bee]

I'm curious what you told the families? It sounds like they got the full story?

I understand you would be in a tight spot if you need to move out but I would be wary about moving in with a client. I guess it would just mean your situation would be more like a nanny type arrangement? I would want to set up some very clear perimeters around this relationship.

My understanding would be that you do not have to move out if your ability to earn your income would be effected and in this case would become zero income.

Oh no no no I would never move in with a daycare family!! it is a completely self contained rental unit. they sent some pics. separate entrance, separate kitchen, bath laundry and all that. still have to think it all over as yes it is connected to their hose we'd share the yard. but would be their caregiver as I was here not a live in nanny or anything.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Sounds like it may a good temporary solution! I don't know if I would/could do it since I keep my private life separate from work but in a bind it would do until I could figure out something else!

That is awesome that they're trying to help though!! Very nice :)

[Secondtimearound]

Can I put in some different advice ? Go slow !
We as women have a problem =fix a problem . I fully understand feeling like things have to be figured out now , but I have been through hard times too , figured out everything , started to make the changes and then found away to work it out . I'm not suggesting I know the answers to your problems at all ! My head agrees with everything that has been said ! My experience tells me go slow .
I won't go on and on about it , I know this is a major stressful time ! I feel for you !!!

[Lee-Bee]

Can I put in some different advice ? Go slow !
We as women have a problem =fix a problem . I fully understand feeling like things have to be figured out now , but I have been through hard times too , figured out everything , started to make the changes and then found away to work it out . I'm not suggesting I know the answers to your problems at all ! My head agrees with everything that has been said ! My experience tells me go slow .
I won't go on and on about it , I know this is a major stressful time ! I feel for you !!!

Thanks :-) I did tell this family that I am not in a position to make any decisions right now so would get back to them. But, their offer gave me focus. I went from a whirlwind of having no idea what to do to now realizing alright, worst case scenario I move out, nearby, run a daycare with my daughter in my care even on my husband's week. This makes everything less stressful as I have some direction. I have this offer of a place but now am looking at other places in the neighborhood figuring out general prices, what I would need money wise, number of kids wise and all that to make it work. Should I need to.

I also realize that these 2 families have come up with this plan...but they came up with it the day I terminated care. They were likely shocked and reacting in their best interests...but may change their minds in the coming weeks so the plan they offered may not be viable.

Life is less stressful right now knowing that I do have this option. This option keeps my daughter's life more stable and allows her and I more time together so ultimately less stress on her. She wouldn't have to be bounced back and forth between me and dad AND between different daycare etc. Just knowing that this is an option goes a long ways to reduce stress on my end.

Again, that is all worst case scenario should my husband choose to not move forward to try and fix things, or at least attempt to before throwing in the towel.

Things are calm here at the house so I have no need to leave immediately as much as that was my gut instinct. I'll slowly move forward, hopefully my husband figures things out on his end quickly.

Thanks so much ladies. All the support and comments really have been incredibly helpful.

[Gloucestermom]

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. That's amazing what the 2 families have offered you.
I hope that everything works out for the best. Take care.

[2cuteboys]

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, I really hope things work out for you and your family.

Everything happens for a reason, right? No matter the outcome, you know you are a smart lady. You'll pick yourself up and be stronger (whether you continue with your relationship or not) for it!

[SecondAve]

What a week you have had to say the least! Sending big hugs your way.

I am wondering something. Why do you feel the need to leave your family home? Why can't your husband leave if he decides a separation is what he wants. You want to work on the marriage and stay the course, so why would you and your daughter need to find a new home?

I guess it is my legal background coming forward, but technically you are entitled to half of the matrimonial home and assets. He could buy you out of the house, should he so choose and then you could use the money to pay off your student loans. I am not meaning to sound harsh, but why does everything need to fall solely on your shoulders.

It is respectful that you are willing to put in the effort to save your marriage, I 100% would do the same. But if he ultimately decides not to, then he does have his own accountability, including financially.

I agree with the comment to take things slow and not make any rash decisions... including leaving the home. There are certain repercussions that could happen if you do that.

All the best.

p.s. So happy to hear that you have some of your peace returned knowing that you have options.

[cfred]

Lee Bee...first, let me say how sorry I am you're going through this. Separation is awful. I'm divorced now for 13 years. I hope your plans of holding your family together will work out for you and I remember trying so hard to do the same thing. Should it not pan out, let me tell you that everything will be fine. It's scary as hell at first, but once you have your track, no matter which way it goes, you'll get focus and come out alright on the other end. Please, as one nurturer to another, please don't bend yourself into a pretzel to appease your husband to make it work. It's a joint effort. If you don't see your efforts being reciprocated, pay attention to that.

And...now to be a complete killjoy....but I'm concerned about the fact that you're leaving the family home. Is your child going to remain living at the marital home? Please reconsider this idea. I was advised very strongly by my attorney that this was a very bad idea and could jeopardize my ability to retain custody of my children, should things go south....which despite my best efforts, they did. Please don't be offended and I understand what you're trying to do in the best interests of your marriage. However, the fact that he's asked for a separation, to me, says that you may need to consider your own best interests as well, just in case you're not both on the same page through this whole journey.

[dodge__driver11]

I can honestly say that doing daycare is one of the HARDEST things I have ever done. Emotionally, fiscally, and in every other way possible..but the truth is as hard as my husband can be on me he understands that this is best for everyone, as he at least gets that I am doing this for my son, and for him.

Has he given up, or can you guys get some help? I would hate to see everything be over because of daycare.

Here are some of the things I have some to lessen the "burden on my family"

1. I have a student come in once a week to do clean for minimum wage, she enjoys the extra cash, and sometimes serves as my sub when available.

2. I no longer have any ft kids, rather I have all pt's and make up my income that way, as well as teaching EAL pt, so I have Monday afternoons off, and all of my children are gone by 6 pm every other full day. (I teach EAL, on evening and weekend, not labour intensive at all)

3. I now have "chore deligations." and these are chores that he always does or we take turns, or that I always do. I also involve my son in this as much as possible.

I hope this helps, and good luck.

[Lee-Bee]

The house is his. He comes from money and is a financial guru that makes 5fold of what I make. He chose the better career money wise.

I did not come from money, don't need much money and don't need much stuff.

When we moved in together 6 years ago we got a cohabitation agreement it says something along the lines of the house and stuff is his...this holds through marriage. Having a kid might have changed some of that but I have zero interest in his stuff or my half of his stuff.

Our agreement does say I can stay till needed (within reason) and he is telling me the same thing. he's offered that I can stay and keep the daycare going until things all fall into place. but I have zero interest of running a business in my ex's house...should we move ahead. I also have nothing in me to keep the daycare open so it is already closed.

he also has to provide me with first and last months rent if and when I should move out to get me started. and frankly he would help out more if needed. he's not being mean at all. he's being an idiot. this is how he works..it is not intentional he just goes into this mood where all he sees is negative and he needs to snap out of it. this of course is much worse than usual. he's also overly emotional and sensitive and it doesn't help that he's been feeling ignored for so long. as much as that is life...he is unable to see that right now.

anyways. it would be me moving out. we'd be doing joint custody and neither of us would really try to fight for anything else. it will devastate him as much as me to split time with our daughter he is very attached to her...and while he possibly does more than most dads care wise (still no where near a fair share) he spends a lot of play time with her.

frankly I would prefer he stays in this house with her...because it is familiar and hers. she will quickly adapt to a new place with me, more so than with him I think because I can keep everything else the same whereas he'd be starting new with all the child caring duties.

all that said. still completely up in the air. I am still here in the guest room, we are trying to talk things over. talking to a brick wall mostly but trying. things are calm and nice, there's no hate or anything. but I could really, really smack him upside the head.

if HE wants a divorce HE needs to take ownership of it and HE needs to make it official and HE needs to do it while I am here, being calm and nice and fighting against it. I will not do anything to allow him to easily justify it. because it is nonsense.

not saying it won't take a lot of therapy as a couple and for each of us and it will take a lot of time and effort. and i'm not saying I don't suck at many things (nor does he). but this is NOT necessary. life is not greener on the other side of the fence and the issues at hand will just follow each of us (he's over sensitive and needs more love and attention than a working wife, with a child, and a huge house to clean can give) and I grew up in a sarcastic family and find it hard when I am overwhelmed with too much responsibility to not just roll my eyes and joke or otherwise miss the mark on just giving him the pity he needs to get over the moment. and, he remembers every moment I didn't give what he needs so it stews.

totally fixable should he decide it's worth fixing. we wait and wait and see what he opts for.

[mickyc]

Lee-Bee - I also want to say that I think you sound like you are really level headed. I used to work in a law office and have witnessed so much hate and bitterness when it comes to divorce. I witnessed first hand the battle my parents went through and then lived it with my husband and his extremely vengeful ex-wife. There is no reason to drag everything through the court system and I am so glad to hear that you have the basics sorted out if/when you leave the family home.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Lee-Bee]

Lee-Bee - I also want to say that I think you sound like you are really level headed. I used to work in a law office and have witnessed so much hate and bitterness when it comes to divorce. I witnessed first hand the battle my parents went through and then lived it with my husband and his extremely vengeful ex-wife. There is no reason to drag everything through the court system and I am so glad to hear that you have the basics sorted out if/when you leave the family home.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing.

I think my degree in psychology helps some. I'm not saying I haven't made a really long list in my head of things I want to say as I smack him upside the head but it won't get us anywhere. I know he is not trying to be mean or vengeful or anything. he's hurting and is lost. My initial gut reaction was FLIGHT mode...but I managed to quickly turn to fight mode (skill learned in counselling years ago when dealing with his mother and the many issues she caused). Just need to keep tabs that he fight mode is in a positive sense and not a fight lol.

I have to say that quitting the daycare has helped immensely. I have had some free time. I am more relaxed. despite all the stress and chaos I am feeling better able to think and act. I have been having him take over childcare so he can practice for when he's on his own (should we split). last night I went to mcdonalds and sat in the car playing on my phone! it was bliss...no cooking, no clean up, no 16month old to tend too....ahhhhh. My friend is coming over tonight to watch tv while her husband takes my husband out for a drink to talk. They are both very shocked and are trying to fight to save our marriage in a very non-pressure way.

maybe this is the calm before the storm? maybe its a sign that things will work out but for the most part I feel pretty good right now. how stupid is that? my husband wants to separate, I quit my job, am potentially homeless (while being jobless) and may end up having to share my daughter yet I am calm and relaxed!!

[Secondtimearound]

In my family we say that's because someone is praying for you ! Lol

[Lee-Bee]

In my family we say that's because someone is praying for you ! Lol

Yes :-)

My husband found us a marriage therapist and we started today. He has himself booked for 2 sessions next week (while my daughter and I go to visit my family as planned long ago) then we will resume couples therapy upon my return. We've got a long ways to go but we are heading in the right direction to make it work.

Thanks so much for all the support on here this week.

[5 Little Monkeys]

That is great news! I sincerely hope the counseling works and you two are able to save your marriage :)

[daycaremom9]

Yes :-)

My husband found us a marriage therapist and we started today. He has himself booked for 2 sessions next week (while my daughter and I go to visit my family as planned long ago) then we will resume couples therapy upon my return. We've got a long ways to go but we are heading in the right direction to make it work.

Thanks so much for all the support on here this week.

Oh, I'm so glad for you and your family and good luck!
:)

[blackcomb]

sorry to hear this.

can you give up your overnight care and stick to day time only and tell your hubby that, to make it better for you all and give you your family time and he and your daughter, which is important anyway, sounds like you were doing too much to be honest.

A bit of space for you both to clear your heads, think, breathe, may be all it needs too and in the meantime you can change your care to days only, if possible that's what I would do anyway and let him know that, probably better than renting out part of your home, that in itself can bring its own headaches if they complain about noise from children running around above them etc for example and make demands for this or that..

[blackcomb]

pleased to hear this too, that you are both working on it for your daughters sake and both of yours.

It's likely been hard on you all, and a few adjustments to your care setting to give you and your family more time together on a regular basis, after a bit of space and a break is likely all you all need, along with the counseling of course. Counselors, legible ones, are good at helping mend and fix relationships and are worth a shot for sure.

I had my parents go to one once, my Mum had post natal depression for years and was in denial and wouldn't get help, years on I told her if she didn't go she'd not see me again as it was the only way I could make her go and get help, she was so stubborn and wouldn't listen to anyone else or me until I told her that, being the one in the family that tended to do what I said I would.. she believed it thank goodness! I actually made the appointment for her and told her when it was and where and asked my Dad to ensure he goes with her which he would anyway and did, turns out she was a doctor as well as a marriage counselor so I struck it lucky calling her among others from the phone book at the time. They are still together now and just as they were when they first met.. like glue and do things together happily again, with the odd little grumpy time of course as for all relationships.