Help me ladies....new kid woes.

[bright sparks]

I really needs some advice folks...maybe a vent and some clarification too.

I had a new girl start last Wednesday for the Wed and Thurs. Her scheduled days will be T, W & Th but both parents thought it would be best to bring her everyday to me while she transitions which is fantastic. I work M-Th. So 2 days last week and the full four days this week.

Mom did a full and extremely detailed play by play of the three day weekend, Fri to Sun of the days routine including milk, food and naps along with pictures lol but this was very helpful in seeing portion sizes and also identifying that her daughter never has her foods mixed which may or may not explain why she doesn't eat my casseroles etc and maybe it doesn't matter in this case, anyway.....

I spoke to mom Monday about the weekends routine and she was very receptive and made changes to her home routine in order to be consistent and reinforce my routine in the hopes of her daughter settling quicker. She was feeding her 1 year old dinner at 6:30, running errands 7:30 till 8:30 and then she wasn't going to bed till 9ish. Regardless of my opinion on those specifics, it doesn't work when after the weekend she suddenly has to get up at 7ish for daycare versus her usual lie in till 9:30am because she went to bed so late. Mom agreed totally and acknowledged that they needed to get their routine into check. Fantastic....well their daughter has not been socialized what so ever during the year at home. Her parents were very upfront and honest about this so I expected a harder transition but this is beyond ridiculous now. She screams bloody murder from 8:50am till 4:30pm when she is collected. Stops immediately when mom or dad collect. She just wants them.

At first she wouldn't be held, she wouldn't eat but she would nap....obviously due to the late night early morning paired with screaming that wore her out. Now her bedtime has gone to the extreme and they are putting her down at 7. I said that around 7:30/8 should be adequate, best to ease her into the changes, and that way she would be likely to rest at daycare even for a short while hopefully resulting in a better temperament. All these things aiding to a shorter and smoother transition period. No bloody way. These last three days have got progressively worse. Yes she now nibbles on her food which is for sure progress, but now she doesn't sleep at all, isn't quiet during nap time and because of her early to bed, she has way more energy to fuel the none stop screaming the following day.

Oh and now she is teething.....I don't know how much of the screaming is pain and how much is transitioning upset. She doesn't act like this at home which tells me that the teething just makes her feel that much worse. Unfortunately before her teething, she was still unconsolable.

It's a tough spot I'm in because I know she is teething, but her mom gave her Tylenol at 8am and it did absolutely nothing to help her as she was going mental this morning. After an hour I put her in her playpen upstairs in a dark room. None of us could handle it anymore. I have tried everything. Music, quiet, picking up...she squirms and runs away, even ignoring her, stories, outdoors but she is WAY to loud. She screams with her soother so I take it away. It's clearly not helping. After the hour I gave the soother back to see if it made the slightest difference and does it heck...

She is a strong willed little girl and very stubborn too. I really want this to work but how do I set boundaries for how much screaming we will take before enough is enough. I know everyone takes a different amount of time to transition, and I know the teething really throws a wrench in things, but how do I even know that her being so annoyed is actually her teeth being so bad?? How much of this is her being totally unsocialized, being a diva and a hot head to begin with and quite simply only wanting her parents. At the interview she wasn't particularly nice and cute and the normal level of wary you'd expect. She was the stink eye kid, not doing as she was told and with parents laughing at her cuteness when she did such things.

There is only so much a human being can take.....I'm not sure I can afford the massages, wine and possibly liquor after hours to manage my stress levels from 7 1/2 hour days of screaming.

Oh what do I hear now... but she has woken one of my other guys up.Jeez.....I just had a really long transitioning of two one year olds including an AP kid who was particularly difficult. They made constant progress which was all i could expect...but it was a good 5 months before everyone was actually totally happy. I was really hoping to move from only free play to some programming but right now There isn't a hope in hell now.

My AP boy whined constantly for his mom for the first two weeks but he ate and slept wonderfully so there was some relief and he would be happy if I held him. I gave them a two week probationary period in leu of notice because if there were not any improvements over the next two weeks I wasn't giving another two weeks notice and enduring another 4 weeks of the persistent screaming or letting it effect my group the way it was anymore. That parent made big changes in her approach with him at home and within a couple of days there were changes.

With this girl I'm not sure that mom and dad can do more. They aren't picking her up when she cries at home, they are sticking to their new routine and she is doing really well at home. The main cause for her hysterics is that she wants her parents and is unsocialized. With time I'm sure she will be fine but really how much can I take and is it worth it to me? Also the teeth could be a big reason why she isn't progressing but nobody knows it for sure because she isn't acting like this at home. I have never given notice for a difficult transition, and yes I need the money as my area is saturated with new providers so really is it worth it...I am just totally exhausted and at a total loss when I can't do a. Ingle thing to comfort her. :unsure:

[Fun&care]

That sounds rough brightsparks. I myself have had to transition a few unsocialized kids and man was it tough. I mean I really really wish parents had a clue and actually made an effort to get their kids ready for daycare during the 12 month mat leave instead of coddling them at home and then dropping them off at daycare and hoping for the best.

That kind of screaming sounds like a nightmare. It must be really hard to be around! At the same time I feel it's still early. It's really up to you how much you can put up with but I like to give it 4-6 weeks. If you feel that's too long maybe you could put her on probation and if there is no improvement within 2 weeks than you will be done?

[mickyc]

I terminated a boy once after 3 days. I couldn't take the non-stop screaming from the second he was dropped off until I called mom half way through nap time because the other kids couldn't sleep. He refused to eat, hated being held, the other kids walked around with their hands on their ears. I was already the 2nd daycare. The first one only lasted 1 day. The third daycare worked and he settled in after a few days.

I thought of it this way, yes a child takes time to transition but you have to think about the others in your care as well. I had never or have yet to have another child in my care that acted that way, I was glad I terminated. I couldn't take the sound of his scream.

Good luck to you in whatever you do, it is not a bad thing to throw in the towel and look after the kids already in your care.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I feel for you, I really really do!! I have had a few kids who scream cried but the absolute worst was a little boy who did this CONSTANTLY for exactly 2 weeks (10 days in my case). Magically, (and I'm sure after getting used to our routine here) he stopped and came into daycare on the third Monday and waved goodbye to dad and was the easiest child EVER after that!! I am so glad I stuck it through because he seriously was the best child I have ever had in my hdc. (looking back, he also had a broken arm during his first month of coming here and I can't remember how much of that overlapped with his first two weeks. I want to say it did for at least a week, maybe the full two?)

Things I did were....when it got to that scream cry where it sounded like he may throw up he instantly was placed in his playpen and told a very firm "enough. when you are done you can come out"...I would get on the floor with him and play near him. If he was behaving nicely he got to sit on my lap for a bit but the second he started to cry off he went. He cried through art, outside, lunch, circle, nap, etc. It was horrible!! I am not a huge drinker but I drank bottles of wine through that 2 weeks and felt like crying myself a few times. It is very hard to listen to a child cry and not know what to do to stop it. His parents knew a previous dcmom I had dealt with in a dccentre and I know they wanted it to work because they trusted the other mom's opinion of me and they didn't want to find another dc. I had never terminated before this and didn't feel like I wanted them to be the first so I powered through it and in the end it turned out. HOWEVER, I don't think I would have been able to do it had it lasted much longer. I think a month would be my absolute longest and I would need to see improvement in that month.

Just as we don't like certain adults, children don't like certain dc's and that's okay!!! If you feel that you can not do this anymore than I would just tell the parents what youre thinking and give them a deadline. It sounds like they are really working with you so I would want to do my best but I also have to think of the others kids in my care and my own well being. Crying like that stresses me out big time and I can't handle it.

Good luck!!

[Dreamalittledream]

Ahhhh I am tearing up just reading this. I too am in the midst of transition (Day 10) of a constant screamer/unsocialized child. When not restrained in her booster chair at mealtimes, she follows me everywhere and screams constantly while trying climb me and claw at me. I have tried everything (in my most soothing manner possible) and I and the children are stressed and exhausted. This week alone I have had 2 calls for her space; but parents are bending over backwards (ie. shortened hours @ 9-2:30 to give me a break) trying to help and that makes me want to go the extra mile. I too have seen my daycare children come out the other side and be my best little ones ever. Whew, it's just getting through this. Best parenting advice I heard as a new Mom I now use..."they cannot possibly harm themselves by crying, if you have reached your max, remove them or yourself to a safe spot and take a breath". I document everything daily and send to the parents (my thinking is that if I choose to terminate, it will be no suprise and I will be as guilt free as possible).

[Secondtimearound]

I had a child like this and I tried for one month , 2 days a week ,900-2:30 , I couldn't handle it ! It wasn't until I realized I couldn't do anything without him in my arms . He would cry until he projectile vomited ,every time !
No advice here ! Just hopeful wishes sent to you !!

[Dreamalittledream]

Oh my goodness...the crying AND vomit?? I would go completely bonkers! Having a glass of wine right now, and spa day tomorrow...I (we all have) earned it!! Happy weekend everyone:)

[Rachael]

At the interview she wasn't particularly nice and cute and the normal level of wary you'd expect. She was the stink eye kid, not doing as she was told and with parents laughing at her cuteness when she did such things.

That was your first clue - Although of course there are times we all take children we have some concerns about, I do insist on children coming to interview and I do monitor how that child behaves and how/if the parents react to it. So often, when I child doesn't consider their own parent's as being an authority figure, they also expect to come into my house and rule the roost and that's never going to happen.

In terms of this particular little one - I do feel for you. I've been really fortunate in only having this level of upset twice. Once with a little girl who is still here and it was a good three months. Sure, there were gradual improvements but golly it was slow. For her, she wanting picking up all the time which I won't do and it only really got better once she became more mobile herself. The other time, it was a little girl who had been cared for by family and she had horrible anxiety. In the end, I was saved having to term them as the Mom decided that grandma's was the best place with some professional help for her stress levels. Her hair would fall out in clumps and she'd just scream.

Of course, only you can determine how long you are able to deal with this. And I do understand, it's not all a mental health decision but a financial one too. I would be advertising with the hope of finding a replacement and if this child settles before then, great. At least it would feel like you are doing something productive to end the situation when everything else you are trying with this child, isn't quite working.

Someone mentioned elsewhere setting up a safe zone for cryers who struggle to adjust. A play pen or something, tucked a bit out of the way, where they can observe safely, where they will gradually calm down and which allows you to get on with your activities with the others in your care. Maybe this might help.

How old are the children you have? Do you have a local park or somewhere you can walk? Sometimes changing the scene entirely is a big help and walking gives them something to do. I have found getting mine outside (I have a large wagon thankfully) is a big help to most who are tearful in the house. Plus it helps wear them out so once they've had lunch, chances are they will sleep harder for at least a while. - It's only ever failed to work once for the girl with anxiety as she hated walking and would just sit on the ground and refuse to move! But for the most part, sure, you might have a couple of outings with screaming and tears but by the third day, they usually stop crying for the duration of the walk anyway.

[SevenwatersDaughter]

Life is too short to put up with that! If you have enough interest in your day care that you can fill that spot, cut her loose. I can't stand parents who don't socialize their child at all and then expect them to transition to day care perfectly.

[bright sparks]

That was your first clue - Although of course there are times we all take children we have some concerns about, I do insist on children coming to interview and I do monitor how that child behaves and how/if the parents react to it. So often, when I child doesn't consider their own parent's as being an authority figure, they also expect to come into my house and rule the roost and that's never going to happen.

In terms of this particular little one - I do feel for you. I've been really fortunate in only having this level of upset twice. Once with a little girl who is still here and it was a good three months. Sure, there were gradual improvements but golly it was slow. For her, she wanting picking up all the time which I won't do and it only really got better once she became more mobile herself. The other time, it was a little girl who had been cared for by family and she had horrible anxiety. In the end, I was saved having to term them as the Mom decided that grandma's was the best place with some professional help for her stress levels. Her hair would fall out in clumps and she'd just scream.

Of course, only you can determine how long you are able to deal with this. And I do understand, it's not all a mental health decision but a financial one too. I would be advertising with the hope of finding a replacement and if this child settles before then, great. At least it would feel like you are doing something productive to end the situation when everything else you are trying with this child, isn't quite working.

Someone mentioned elsewhere setting up a safe zone for cryers who struggle to adjust. A play pen or something, tucked a bit out of the way, where they can observe safely, where they will gradually calm down and which allows you to get on with your activities with the others in your care. Maybe this might help.

How old are the children you have? Do you have a local park or somewhere you can walk? Sometimes changing the scene entirely is a big help and walking gives them something to do. I have found getting mine outside (I have a large wagon thankfully) is a big help to most who are tearful in the house. Plus it helps wear them out so once they've had lunch, chances are they will sleep harder for at least a while. - It's only ever failed to work once for the girl with anxiety as she hated walking and would just sit on the ground and refuse to move! But for the most part, sure, you might have a couple of outings with screaming and tears but by the third day, they usually stop crying for the duration of the walk anyway.

It really didn't come as any shock that she was going to be difficult. I've had difficult kids before, but this is a personality trait of her's also along with having these kinds of behaviours reinforced by way of parent's laughing response.

Her parents have been terrific. They are keeping her on the exact same schedule when she is not here, even going so far as getting her up and out of the house at the same time even if they have no place to go. Obviously that won't last forever as their child will have to be able to adapt to the realities of change in environment and the different routines, but I certainly do appreciate them reinforcing my schedule and prioritizing her needs for an easier transition and it is showing.

She has a right mouth on her and is very noisy but the last few days I have flat out said to her in a stern voice I am not picking you up so go and play, even sometimes redirecting her by leading her to an activity and leaving the room. She shuts up very quickly and gets on with playing. This is flat out an attention thing now so she gets zero if this is how she is going to act. We read books and play together but only if she is calm and not in response to her persistent whining and crying.

Lot's of baby steps have been taken and I'm sure we will get there. She is also only supposed to be 3 days and her parents are bringing her for the 4 that I am open ongoing to help with consistency. Even though I would have loved for a smoother transition, and some piece and bloody quiet lol, I am actually very pleased by her progression considering how she was from the start. I still think there is a ways to go but I'm glad I managed to stick it out.

I never stop advertising regardless of availability as you never know when things will change. Unfortunately in a town where over the last 12 months 20+ women have decided to stay at home after mat leave and offer childcare services at a fraction of the price those making a career out of this industry are charging, filling spots is increasingly difficult regardless of my niche. $45 vs $30...most are going to go with low cost regardless of what I offer.

[bright sparks]

Life is too short to put up with that! If you have enough interest in your day care that you can fill that spot, cut her loose. I can't stand parents who don't socialize their child at all and then expect them to transition to day care perfectly.

I don't think her parents had any expectation or thought outright that their provider would deal with it so it wasn't worth their time. They live in a rural location and during mat leave only the working parent had a car. No local store, library etc within walking distance and family are out of town. All things that should have been considered prior to mat leave but then how do we know they weren't? Perhaps this wasn't a choice for them on a limited income during mat leave. I can understand their thinking and as first time parent's, likely with little guidance being so isolated, they didn't know any better and thought that it wouldn't be such an issue. They sure aren't selfish or empty headed as they are pretty amazing in how they work with me and her on this situation. In fact they are a breath of fresh air to be honest, I just wish that socializing had been something that was a prominent part of the little girls first year, but some things aren't always within our means.

[Secondtimearound]

Has she improved ?? I think socializing plays a part but the child's temperament and personality matters more ! I have 5 children , 4 of them are leader type personalities and one isn't . Parenting style , socializing ect all the same but she was the hardest to push forward into life and still is ! I think you are doing an awesome job working through this transition as crying non stop would drive me batty ! They are lucky to have you because I personally just couldn't do it !!

[Samantha33]

I don't have any advice right now. I'm sorry. I feel for you. I'm going through the screaming also. I will definetley follow this thread to see if I can pick up on something that might. I don't want to term either. I just turned away about 3 people 2 weeks ago. Poop on me.

[bright sparks]

Has she improved ?? I think socializing plays a part but the child's temperament and personality matters more ! I have 5 children , 4 of them are leader type personalities and one isn't . Parenting style , socializing ect all the same but she was the hardest to push forward into life and still is ! I think you are doing an awesome job working through this transition as crying non stop would drive me batty ! They are lucky to have you because I personally just couldn't do it !!

There are for sure different levels of socialization but its very different when a child is with mom 10-12 hours a day 1 on 1 with no other adult or child for a full year. I think this is pretty significant vs a kid who either goes to an early years centre a couple times a week or a child who has regular visits to and from other adults and kids. Mom and baby groups aren't for everyone but socializing by way of interaction with the world is so important so to have almost complete absence of that, which her mother has made very clear was the case, it's going to have a noticeable impact on a child. Paired with her personality type and the type of relationship formed with that constant, mom, it makes separation anxiety and attachment issues much greater than the average.

She is improving slowly but surely and I think a lot of that comes from the adjustments mom has made at home and her consistency here. I think being in a routine has helped tremendously also since prior to daycare the child was on demand feeding and sleeping and everything in between. Mom has now got her doing everything at the same time every single day and it shows how much better her daughter is. As frustrating as the whole thing is, I'm just happy that the parents have taken my lead and constantly want to do what works best for my daycare routine and what will ultimately have their daughter happy and settled, as quickly as possible.