Potty Training - FAIL

[SillyGirl_C]

My daughter is 2yrs old. We started getting her used to the toilet about three months ago. 50% of the time she will go 'potty' at daycare. she will not announce she wants to go (timing etc.). At home she refuses to go and will run and hide if we ask her about going potty or if she has to have a bowel movement.

I have tried sitting her on the toilet at regular intervals and she either tries to jump off, has a meltdown, or simply won't go. Bribes and rewarding are fails.

It is just not her time? Is she just showing her independence and choosing to be difficult?

I feel like I have let our daycare down. But aside from enforcing sitting on the potty and making it a negative experience, I am running out of ways to make progress on this one.

In all other aspects, she is smart, cheerful, helpful, and polite. She has no' moments and rare meltdowns, but this potty thing is starting to feel like our Alamo.

Hellpppppppppppp.... ...

[superfun]

That sounds a lot like our daughter. At a point when we knew she could do it, we switched her to underwear. The first day went well, the second day was bad, by the third day she totally got it.

edited to add: This was last week for us, so I totally relate. This week has been great for the most part. Now she'll tell me if she has to go, and she'll go before we leave the house. She's even dry at night, although we still use a pullup just in case. I don't want to change sheets at night. :)

[Lee-Bee]

Sounds like the potty has become a control item for your daughter (for what ever reason). If I were in your position as the mom I would completely give up trying for a couple weeks. Don't mention the potty, don't put her on it, don't ask her about it...nothing. Then the power struggle ends because there just is no option to control it.

After a good while start making it fun...show videos and books about the potty, don't let it become a control factor again so read her cues and see if she'll sit on it on her own free will. No pressure, no stress, no negative associations. If she is only 2 then I don't think there is a need to force it. If she were 4yrs old and doing this then a hard approach would be fine but she's young enough to just take a break.

Start fresh and hopefully she'll just roll with it. If she is using it at daycare sometimes then just let the daycare do what ever they are doing...she can watch the others and use it when she does. Let daycare know what you are going to try to do and why. So they can report to you that she is using it but don't mention anything to your daughter about her use at daycare.

[mickyc]

Honestly don't push the issue. At 2 years old she has lots of time. I would just put her in panties during the evenings, put the potty in the space where she is playing and lots of praise if she goes. Maybe take a break as well. Then go back to putting her on the potty at the same time as you. Play this little piggy on her toes while she sits on the potty. Push her ON button (her belly button) and then listen to see if you hear the pee coming out. If nothing comes out then say UH OH Your button is not working right now. Once she gets back to actually sitting on it for you then don't ask if she needs to go, just put her on it. Lots of potty videos, bring her in when you go and lots of praise for mommy too. Let her flush the big potty when mommy goes.

She is still young so don't get too stressed out.

[Rachael]

One tip - try and figure out her toilet habits. i.e. if you give her a drink, does she typically pee 20 mins after? Does she poop at a set time every day or does she poop within a certain amount of time following eating?

If she drinks constantly and has water accessible all day, that's going to be trickier to figure out.

In the day care, mine have drinks at set times with their meals. Of course if they need an extra drink they may have one but they have to sit at the table to drink and so it's really clear here when a child is taking in more fluid as they aren't permitted to walk around with water bottles.

This helps at toilet training - although not the reason behind the set drinking times, it's an added bonus. It means that if a pattern is identifiable, I can pre-empt when a child is more likely to need to go, and send them off to the potty.

For shorter children, I do set out a potty when toilet training and it is located just outside my powder room. This means that they never get caught up in the line up if they need to go. Little ones just learning to toilet independently, don't always recognize the signs until it's quite urgent so they need full access without waiting.

If you are able to see a pattern, then placing the child on the potty a couple of mins before they are likely to need to go, means more successful tries. Then it's a matter of making those successes a celebration.

I always try and reward based on the personalities currency. What I mean by that is some children love stickers, some children love being the centre of attention, some children don't like being the centre of attention but prefer one-on-one praise.

I have a reward sticker chart but how I tackle that varies by personality. I reward a pee on the potty with one sticker and a poop with two. Depending on the type of child, we might have a group sing and lots of whooping and loud praise for a successful toilet trip or we might have a quiet 'just between us' congratulations and private sticker choice and placement on the chart.

I avoid pullups, training underwear and diapers completely when toilet training. That way, if there is an accident, it feels different. When a child has an accident in a pull-up, because it feels the same as a diaper and because it's been fine for them to pee in a diaper their whole lives, it can sometimes be confusing as to why we now what them to not do that. A change in expectation is therefore helped when there is a change following the original behaviour (wetting or soiling themselves). If they have an accident in underwear and it immediately feels different than it always has felt, it helps reiterate that change.

Also, don't keep clean fresh clothing in the bathroom to immediately change them if and when an accident has happened. I'm not for one minute suggesting that the child is left in wet/soiled underwear but I am saying give it a minute or so to allow the child to feel the difference of having an accident in their underwear vs in a diaper/pull=up.

Ask the child, with your help, to find their fresh clothing from their room, cubby, book bag in readiness for a change of clothes. Then get them to take off their wet things with your help - not you doing it all for them. It's about the child missing out for a few minutes on the fun things going on and being a little inconvenienced by the accident.

And finally - no negativity. I know as a parent the additional laundry and mess can be tiresome. Sometime especially at the end of a long working day, it's just one more task that we would prefer not to have to deal with. But make sure not to let a little tutt escape or an eye roll to happen. Our children know us inside out. They have observed our every move since the day their were born. They can tell, often before we can, if we are frustrated, and they do and will see those tiny little body language signs that we often don't know we make. Every small child wants their Mommy to be pleased with them, they feel proud knowing they have made us happy and they feel sad if they think we are upset with them. As hard as it is, try and be aware of those little frustration signals we all have because this is one of those times, to really hide them.

[playfelt]

I'm the odd one out here - at this stage I would be using pullups and have done it that way since they came on the market and it became harder to find the thick waffleweave training pants and plastic pants. I see no reason during the "toilet learning" phase to deal with messes on the floor. The trick is to treat the pullup as underwear and call them underpants. They are worn only by those in actual training. I use a diaper at naptimes and bedtime just as you would when using underwear. If they have an accident they know. If they are not aware of the sensation of actually peeing then you are starting too soon anyways. When they are consistent and going when needed on the potty - ie completely dry for a month at daycare we move to real underwear and either a pullup or diaper at naptime till again they are completely dry for a month at naptime.

In this case I would assume your child isn't quite ready and back off for a 2-3 weeks and then start the process again. Forcing an issue until they are ready just leads to frustration for everyone and child is more likely to hide the fact they have had an accident than tell you. Even in a pullup or diaper you still take your child to the potty at set times and have them try. In most cases they learn to hold it and go at the set times which makes the day much easier as you have less issues with needing to potty during story or craft time if you all try before.

[Rachael]

I understand the thought behind the pull-ups but in my experience it prolongs the whole process. In the last 10 years, I've toilet trained close to 30 children without them. By day three, it's incredibly rare to have a mess. I can't imagine a whole month of the process.

Different folks, different strokes.

[bright sparks]

I understand the thought behind the pull-ups but in my experience it prolongs the whole process. In the last 10 years, I've toilet trained close to 30 children without them. By day three, it's incredibly rare to have a mess. I can't imagine a whole month of the process.

Different folks, different strokes.

That is pretty much my experience too. If they are old enough to potty train, then they understand quite clearly that a pull up is a diaper. Also, if in big kid underwear and pooping and peeing all over the show, the chances are, toilet training was started to early.

[3littlemonkeys]

one person mentioned she could be using it as a control point. I completely agree. Have you tried giving her "control" with it. Using the other points others have mentioned on figuring out when she needs to go then give her "the control". I use the "When" "Then" approach. When you have gone to the potty, then we can read our book. I got this from positive parenting http://www.positiveparentin gsolutions.com/
Great course.

[SillyGirl_C]

Thank you all so much!!! I feel a bit better having a few new tricks up my sleeve. We have eased off except for potty sitting before bath (just routine). She has no pattern to bowel movements, but can hold her pee for a looong time (big dry patches). I do think it is a control issue.

Might back off for a month or so completely, take a few days off work and try the panty idea. Will update as soon as we give it a go!

Thanks again. You guys are a VAULT of information.