Daughter will not go to school

[Jen]

Just wondering if anyone has experience with their own children not wanting to go to school. My daughter just started JK a few weeks ago and it has been a huge struggle. She cries, and refuses to go on the bus, or even be driven. She wants to stay at home with me and the daycare kids. I try bribing her with everything! She is not shy, she went to camp no problem this summer. She is outgoing and has fun when she does go to school. I got her to go no problem last Monday-Thursday so I thought she was over it, but now she has not gone Friday, Monday or today.
Do I keep trying, or give up and let her stay home?

[torontokids]

I personally would not allow a choice in this (unless you want to home school your child). I think when kids struggle with or are anxious about something it can make things more difficult if they are allowed to not go. Not going relieves their anxiety that moment/day and reinforces that school is a problem (makes them feel anxious). They also learn that they can throw a fit or whatever and get to stay home.

You haven't described what her behaviour looks like. Is this severe anxiety or just behaviour based (e.g. got her way one time so tries again).

You could call the school and arrange a time to meet her teacher with your daughter and they could come up with a plan with you. If your daughter feels the teacher is on her side or knows what is going on they could come up with a code word when she's feeling overwhelmed etc. From what you did say (went to camp fine) my guess is she just wants to stay with you because she feels she is missing out. I would plan a special activity for you and her after school everyday if she goes without a fuss. Also, give her some kind of a token (necklace, a sticker) she can rub when she misses you. I put a tattoo on my daughter's hand the first 2 weeks of school and now I just have to kiss her hand and she is good to go.

[Lou]

This might sound harsh, but I'm not trying to be. The problem is that you are giving her the option to stay home. She has learned that if she makes a big enough stink then you will give in and let her stay home...so, she will continue to pitch a fit in the mornings until she realizes that 100% of the time you will follow through in what you want her to do. If you want her to go to school, then she must go to school. Refuses to go on the bus or be driven? I'm not understanding this. She is 4 and you are the parent. Give her a big hug, tell her you love her and that you will se her when she comes home and put her on the bus every single day. Regardless of her tantrum.If you would like to wait a year or two on the bus then put her in the car, drive her to school and drop her off with her teacher or yard duty staff. After a couple weeks of consistency, routine, and follow through she will let go of the attempts to sway you, and begin to let herself enjoy her day at school. It's hard to say goodbye to your kids when they are crying and asking for you, I completely empathize...but kids shouldn't get what they want by crying and tantrumming. I hope it gets better soon!!

[Lou]

Toronto- the tattoo idea is cute, reminds me of The Kissing Hand :)

[Jen]

Thanks ladies. I cannot physically force her to go. I have 5 other kids I'm am watching plus her, so unfortunately can't drag her down the street to the bus while caring for 5 others. She cries and throws tantrums. I tried that one day, not fun, and not fair to anyone. That is my problem.....it makes it really difficult. She has put special things in her bag which has worked occasionally. I'm still trying every day...but at a certain point yes she does 'win'. She says she misses me and is sad at school.
I have asked her teacher and the school admin for advice and they have none. Great, I know.

[mickyc]

I agree with the others. Her going to school is not negotiable. She has found what works in order to stay home. You are the parent, the rules are the rules, if she has a commitment she needs to learn that these things must be followed through regardless if she enjoys it or not - good life lesson. Don't give in any further and no more bribing! I would give the teacher a head's up on what is going on so that she knows your daughter is going to be miserable for the next few weeks.

This is just like transitioning a child into daycare.

I am confused though. You cannot physically force her to go? Does she walk to the bus alone? You need to somehow figure out how to get her there no questions asked. What are you going to do when she begins school and MUST go. Nip it in the bud right now.

[Lou]

Or arrange for someone else to take her to school if it is something you can not do.

[torontokids]

You have time until the snow comes so get this under control now. Leave early and walk her to the bus stop. Every time she pitches a fit leave her to do so (you stand with the DC kids in the stroller, ignore the tantrum) when she's done then continue walking to the bus. If you are rushed/she feels rushed, this won't help matters.

Or- Can your partner/MIL/neighbour leave for work a little later the next 2 wks to walk her to the bus? Do you have someone that can watch the DC kids for a brief time while you take her just until the routine is in place?

[playfelt]

Just to be fair I will take the other side of this because I know a family dealing with the same issue. This child was in a daycare centre since age 1 so used to a group, separating from parent etc without issues. His JK class has 40 kids in it and a teacher and EA so he went from a 1-12 ratio to a 1 - 20 so that is part of the problem but the most is the noise and confusion in the classroom is just too overwhelming. The parent has had the chance to visit the school and observe from outside and seen days when child was fine sitting in circle/storytime or painting etc but other days when kids were more restless in unorganized free for all "freeplay" and he was cowering in the corner unnoticed for the most part.

Can you get her talking about school and the parts she likes and the people she likes and the parts that are her least favourite and see if you find some patterns.

I agree that the option to just stay home is not helping in that she doesn't have to face her fears.

[Secondtimearound]

I'm so polar opposite lol ! It's jk ! So plenty of time for school . I opted out of jk and kindergarten . She's prob doing so much crafts and unit studies with your dayhome and socializing as well she is basically having jk needs met .
I do not agree with the idea that socializing and early formal education is such a needed requirement . I do understand why others do and make no assumptions or judge anyone else's parental choices . We all have the children we have and do our best for them .
My personal opinion would be keep her home . If it was potty training there would be no discussion as to pushing a child to train before they were ready .
I think each child is an individual and so to say every child must do the same as most children is not agreeable with me .
If at grade one , if you want her in school it would be different for me , but at 4 yrs of age , in my opinion leaves a lot of time for a child to mature and be ready to be separated from the parents .

[torontokids]

Secondtimearound- I see what you're saying and agree that parents can choose to have their child home. However the OP seems to wants her to go to school but is struggling to do so based on what I read.

[Crayola kiddies]

I agree that jk is useless and I also think full day kindergarten is not necessary....I think they should do away with jk and just to kindy for half days .....however that is not the way it is ....kindergarten is not mandatory so if you don't want to send her remove her and sign her up next year ....I gues it depends on the maturity of your child ...one of my children was born at the end of dec I sent her only because even though I run a daycare I felt she needed the outside stimulation as well as being with out me ....that was my choice .....I didn't like that she was still 3 years old and gone all day. you know your child the best ...is she too young maturity wise ? or is she just strong willed and she's playing you? does she need the social aspects as well as the structure that school provides ? if I made the choice to enroll my child in school then said child would go ....children are too young to make certain decisions ....let her choose what she wants to wear ....let her choose some of the food choices for lunch but don't let her choose if she goes to school .....does the school have a daycare in that you could enroll her in the morning program ? that way you or dad could drop her off there in the morning before you start daycare or on dads way to work ....that would solve your dilemma.

[Wonderwiper]

Personally, I don't think the value of JK is relevant here.

"Refuses to go to school" and "didn't go to school" are key points here. An independent high school student 'doesn't go to school' a 4 year old is 'taken' to school. End of story.

Every single week someone posts on here about a child who 'refuses' to nap. No one advises the poster to just let them not nap then. Or a child that only eats pizza. Do we suggest only feeding them pizza? Why is this situation different?

Some kids take to school straight away while others need encouragement and time to settle in. Not much different than transitioning a new child to our care. You are the parent so you make the decision. Either pull her out right now or start working with her to get settled into the new routine. Letting her choose not to go if she has a tantrum is giving her more power in the struggle and is teaching her that this behaviour gets her what she wants.

[Rachael]

Just wondering if anyone has experience with their own children not wanting to go to school. My daughter just started JK a few weeks ago and it has been a huge struggle. She cries, and refuses to go on the bus, or even be driven. She wants to stay at home with me and the daycare kids. I try bribing her with everything! She is not shy, she went to camp no problem this summer. She is outgoing and has fun when she does go to school. I got her to go no problem last Monday-Thursday so I thought she was over it, but now she has not gone Friday, Monday or today.
Do I keep trying, or give up and let her stay home?

This might sound incredibly harsh but I don't understand why a child is making the decision about whether or not to attend school. That, IMO, is not an option.

Everyone has to do things they don't enjoy or would prefer not to do, that's part of life. Having the skills to cope with this is as vital as speaking, walking and any other basic life skill, we are parents need to give our children.

So what if she cries? She's entitled to feel however she wants to about a given situation but crying shouldn't be a reason to permit her to stay home. Surely in doing so, she is learning that making a scene and crying means she gets her own way.

I understand it's hard to force a child into a situation they don't want to be in, when they are upset but it's harder still to stand your ground with a 16 year old who has learned how to manipulate a situation than it is a KD child.

Bribing too, IMO, is not the way to go.

The fact she is outgoing and has fun when she does go should confirm to you that this is merely a means for her to express a preference of staying home. That's not unusual. Most adults would like to stay home too all day but it's not a option. Stop allowing it to be an option.

[Crayola kiddies]

Personally, I don't think the value of JK is relevant here.

"Refuses to go to school" and "didn't go to school" are key points here. An independent high school student 'doesn't go to school' a 4 year old is 'taken' to school. End of story.

Every single week someone posts on here about a child who 'refuses' to nap. No one advises the poster to just let them not nap then. Or a child that only eats pizza. Do we suggest only feeding them pizza? Why is this situation different?

Some kids take to school straight away while others need encouragement and time to settle in. Not much different than transitioning a new child to our care. You are the parent so you make the decision. Either pull her out right now or start working with her to get settled into the new routine. Letting her choose not to go if she has a tantrum is giving her more power in the struggle and is teaching her that this behaviour gets her what she wants.

Isn't that basically what I said ????

[kassiemom]

I completely understand what you are going through. my daughter went no problem the first week was fun, then the honeymoon period was over and surprise she realized this was not a short term vacation. She said "i'm going to go one more day, get my shoes and blanket and tell them i won't be back." As much as i want to keep her home and hold onto her a little longer (plus i think full day is a crock but thats another topic) I know she needs to go. If i start letting her skip school now it sets a president that she can just not go if she doesn't feel like it. Now JK and SK are not mandatory in Ontario so perhaps keeping her home for 1 more year is the solution. I haven't read how old she is but if she is a late in the year baby perhaps she just isn't ready yet. I would just suggest talking to her teacher and see if you can work together to encourage her to have more fun. Also I know its hard but perhaps taking a few days off from daycare or asking parents to drop off later would be ideal so you can walk her to the bus and put her on and establish a bit of a routine. keep us posted.
Feeling your pain!!!!

[dodge__driver11]

I went through this with my 6 yo, when he started Kindy @ 5, there is no jk sk where I live...Anyway.... I sent him in a cab taking it out of his earned reward and chore money...I understand that all children are different, and I had it worked out with this cab company, that they would only send drivers he knew...And he knew that if the money was there, that is what I would use not money out of my own wallet or his dad's.

If that was not an option I said he had a sick day, which meant soup, water, dry toast, and flat ginger ale. It also meant no tv, no play time and only coming out of his room to go to the washroom, or have his "sick meal options."

He quickly learned that going to school was more fun that putting up a stink, and spending his money, or staying home "sick in bed."

[Secondtimearound]

I think it has relevance because then the decision to make comes from if the poster thinks it is important enough to push the issue with her dd . If jk was mandatory then I would not have a problem saying make her go . Because it is not opens the choices. We've all had issues and made demands on our child that others wouldn't for example pacifiers , some would take them away cold turkey at an age they feel is right and some wait until the child is old enough to walk to the tree , grab branches and load the pacifiers for the fairies to take for little babies . This is the same to me , I was advising since it is not mandatory and not utilized by a lot of parents that she has the choice here .
I am in no way arguing the child has any say t but just advising to pick the battles .

[Home away]

Just wondering if anyone has experience with their own children not wanting to go to school. My daughter just started JK a few weeks ago and it has been a huge struggle. She cries, and refuses to go on the bus, or even be driven. She wants to stay at home with me and the daycare kids. I try bribing her with everything! She is not shy, she went to camp no problem this summer. She is outgoing and has fun when she does go to school. I got her to go no problem last Monday-Thursday so I thought she was over it, but now she has not gone Friday, Monday or today.
Do I keep trying, or give up and let her stay home?

I had ( and still have) a child that wanted to stay with me everyday and not go to school. The key is sending them every day on a consistent basis. If they act up and you let them stay home, they will ramp up the bad behaviour to get what they want ( to stay with mom). Let the child know that school is a necessary part of life and they dont get to make the decision on whether they go or not. Otherwise you will have a very difficult time as they grow up!