Fundamental Differences in Parenting Style

[torontokids]

I have this one family with a boy who is now 18 mos. I have had him since he was 12 mos old. I have spoken about him before. He has been a difficult transition, in fact the only difficult transition I have had since I opened 2 yrs a go. He always screamed to be held, wouldn't eat, just generally had a hard time. The parents are really sweet. I like them and they are trying but I get more and more of a sense that the mom is clueless. They have worked hard to help him transition; stopped picking him up as much was the big thing but there are still a lot of food issues at home. It is becoming clear that we have very different ideas about parenting.

He has made huge gains here. He sleeps the whole nap time and when he doesn't he lays in his cot quietly, he eats most of the time, he plays independently much better and doesn't need to be held all the time....do I just keep trudging along? Do I meet with the parents? WWYD?

I feel this kid has cost me a lot really. I didn't fill one of my Sept spots because he is so high maintenance and I wanted him to settle in more. I have also been leery of another baby at the moment because of his needs. It's been 6 mos now though!

[mickyc]

I would just keep going and not worry about the parents. He is getting smarter and will learn the rules are different from home and daycare. Just be consistent and he will continue to remember what your rules are. My "handful" is similar. Mom lets him call the shots all the time. He comes wearing what he wants because she doesn't want to argue with him. Here he doesn't argue with me as he knows better.

[33 Daiseys]

funny how that works.. i have a little person who refuses to eat veggies, meat or milk at home. yet for the last two years not a single problem. Same child doesn't help clean up, or put their things away at home, ad yet I only need to ask once here.
I swear sometimes, the parents just take the easy way out and refuse to parents, and leave it up to us.

[torontokids]

I know! I have had many kids that do things differently for me than at home. I get it but this kid is a tough nut to crack and I can only think it is because we are so drastically different and he is so young.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I have had experience with many families who parent differently than me but over the years there have been some who are just so drastically different that it makes it really really hard. In centres, there was nothing we could do but at least with owning my own dc now I can pick and choose if I want those headaches.

I had one family who basically had no rules or consequences at home. The parents ( more so just the mom) would always let their youngest be in charge and constantly had excuses for her bad behaviour. She was always saying " well I read this..." Or " in this article they say to do this..." It was so frustrating! They knew in theory what they should be doing but in reality they didn't follow through at all!

I had rules and consequences at dc and her behaviour did get better but she still tried to play mom and I against each other. She started lying to mom and when I brought that up to mom and expressed my concerns with that mom made excuses and said " oh I must have heard her wrong. She wouldn't lie"..... They pulled her out shortly to go to full time preschool and I was so relieved!

So IME, talking to the parents didn't help the child but it did help me as I didn't want to term but they chose to go elsewhere.

[Secondtimearound]

I'm all for princesses and princes !!! I am fairly high maintenance ! But there's a big difference between a "prince" and a boy who rules !!!
Looking after a child does not mean raising a child !! I have no problem directing a child in my care but there's a difference in my opinion . Lunch sounded wonderful ! I present lunch without dessert , as they finish I hand out dessert . If they don't eat , I just clean up . I will let the parents know .
My dd grew up a lot younger than her siblings and would have more of a nursery supper and when everyone else had supper ( around 7 ish ) she was already in bed . So I get her giving him a non stressful dinner . But that is her house and if he is eating fine now at your house I would just continue !!
I am currently dealing with differences in parenting and our differences are resulting in a lot of extra work and stress on me . I'm deciding if I feel it's worth it . This job is often thankless ! And under appreciated , I try not to think about my hourly wage divided by my time , effort and stress !!!
I understand you because I am dealing with one whom I can't really "get " and I'm considering letting go ,part of me resists giving up and part of me says not my circus , not my monkeys !!

[33 Daiseys]

have you thought that it may be time to throw in the towel???? I know that life became so much better when I got rid of the problem families. It seems as though you have tried to work with her and she just isn't getting the hint.

[torontokids]

I guess it would be hard to think of them as a "problem family." DCB is quite loveable, sweet, funny and curious. The parents are very nice as well. It just seems like I keep waiting for it to get better and although it has gotten better it is still not great. I had a DCG start 1.5 mos ago and it was no issue and she is lovely...he is still struggling. I also think that I have put in too much hard work to throw in the towel now. Why should another provider benefit from my hard work?

[Lee-Bee]

It sounds like you have seen pretty good improvement. He is eating better, sleeping better and doesn't need to be held all the time. That is huge improvement. Unfortunately this family is choosing to raise their child in a manner that makes him further behind socially and therefore he has leaps and bounds to make to transition into group care. BUT progress is progress no matter how small...and while it will take longer for this child/family it sounds like it is going to happen.

This families choice in parenting style sounds pretty common now a days. We have moved into a generation of parents where they feel they need to be a best friend. They need to let their child make all the choices and they need to avoid saying 'no' and setting firm limits. It does suck for the child...and it will suck for the families when these children are teenagers. BUT...it is quite common now a days. I would think there is a good chance the next family, should you terminate, would be similar and you'd be starting all over again.

Hold strong. He comes from a family where he gets what he wants (meals etc) so he is sitting there thinking what the heck lady I made it clear I want what I want. He'll soon figure out that your house has different rules and he'll come to accept them. It's just a whole lot of work for you...and a whole lot of stress for the child when home could have been doing things a bit differently to have a smoother transition into daycare, and later school and the workforce.

My MIL is the head boss in a major corporation. She is going nuts with the current generation of new employees. She has one 20ish year old working for this company that noted, very clearly that she is used to getting stickers when she does a good job and that she would work better if my MIL gave her stickers to acknowledge her work. Yep...this 'adult' has not only asked but is receiving stickers on a sticker chart at work. These are the people that are now having children. Can you imagine what their children will be like as adults???

[mickyc]

OMG Lee Bee, that made me burst out laughing - a sticker chart for an adult. WOW! Around here there are no sticker charts, we sit and eat and don't have a choice (they must eat what is put in front of them), we don't get to choose who wears what, IF we put on socks/mitts/hat, the kids pick up all toys not me. They are told what to do and they do it. I am strict but the kids know exactly what to expect, they love me and most days they are upset to go home. I cringe when I see how some of these parents let their kids rule the roust at home! My daughter will not grow up to expect stickers from her boss let me tell you! LOL

[5 Little Monkeys]

Lol stickers as an adult...speechless!! Lol

I agree that the parenting is going crazy these days. I hope if I become a parent I am able to find a happy medium in allowing my children to have a say and choices in what they do but also that they know if I say something, I mean it and they need to respect me. It works well with my dck's so far.

Knowing my luck, I'll have the child that makes everyone cringe LOL

[Secondtimearound]

Hmmm wait a minute ladies !! Stickers and then a reward prize if I get through my week !!! I'm thinking yes !!!! I know what my reward would be !!! Lol

[33 Daiseys]

chocolate brownies, and wine. Wait this isn't such a bad idea after all....

[Secondtimearound]

Lol !!! Right !!!? I was thinking wine and hedge hogs lol but brownies work too !!!

[JennJubie]

Oooo... and pizza and wings! That's my prize!

My husband and I were having a conversation this morning about this kind of thing. We, (as a society), are raising helpless children! I have one dcg here, she is perfectly capable of doing things herself, but she wont. At clean up time today she burst out crying. When I told her 'everyone helps clean up' she laid down on the floor and started sobbing. Then at lunch she refused to eat what I put in front of her, I served mashed potatoes, ham, mixed veggies and apples. She said 'I don't like this' and when I explained to her that that was lunch and there were no substitutes, the sobbing and whining started. It drives me bananas!

[torontokids]

My little guy ate all his lunch today after first refusing to touch it. He later yelled for seconds! I think you guys are right, I just need to do my thing and not worry about the parents but realize that what they are doing will impact him but hopefully I can "un do" their damage as he spends more time with me. Sometimes I feel like we are in a divorced relationship with these families. They are the fun, carefree parent that lets them eat what they want, go to sleep when they want and do what they want.

[JennJubie]

My little guy ate all his lunch today after first refusing to touch it. He later yelled for seconds! I think you guys are right, I just need to do my thing and not worry about the parents but realize that what they are doing will impact him but hopefully I can "un do" their damage as he spends more time with me. Sometimes I feel like we are in a divorced relationship with these families. They are the fun, carefree parent that lets them eat what they want, go to sleep when they want and do what they want.

Perhaps you are just what he needs. Children need rules and structure... if you're the one providing it for him than in the end you will most likely be the one to win his respect.

[Secondtimearound]

I agree !!! Which is why I'm learning that I provide the best I can and let it go !! My sanity is worth far more to me ! If I was raising these kids it would be different but I'm not !

[5 Little Monkeys]

Okay well if chocolate and wine is the prize I want a sticker too!!!

[torontokids]

Beer and Chinese food tonight for me!

[daycaremom9]

I had beer and pizza, it's great when we don't have to be a role model!lol

[Secondtimearound]

Chinese and wine !! Here !!!