Something is going on with my son...

[MonkeyPrincess]

and i don't know what to do about it. it's been weeks and weeks it's its affecting him at school, at home etc. He is 7.5. He doesn't want to go to school, he cries about it all a lot. he is clearly anxious about something. I asked him what's wrong and he says something is bothering him and he doesn't know what. He said can't explain what it is. He keeps insisting he is not feeling well. He says his head hurts and stomach hurts and says he has a fever, which he doesn't. We have had talks about what to do if someone is bothering/upsetting/scaring him. He has told us he doesn't want to go to school because: there were some kids who used to break his snowmen/snowforts, there are kids who want to play with him and he doesn't want to, kids in his class cause trouble and he cant focus, they get too much homework because they can't finish their work in class, he hates supply teachers, he hates the cold, doesn't like the bus driver (because he has been rude/yelling with the kids lately and there have been complaints made against him- he snapped at us yesterday because my son wouldn't get on the bus and he told me i have to be more strict with my son and he is going to be late. i very politely told him off) etc. It depends on the day. His teacher said she didn't know of anything that was going on, she hasn't seen him in any conflicts but promised she would keep her eye open.

He has always had a little separation anxiety that has improved over time. This year (gr. 2) was his best back to school- he didn't cry once. it was the first year he was eager and willing to go every day! He has even had some playdates/birthday parties houses without me! Now he doesn't want to go to school and it has gotten to the point where he cries the night before school, he wakes up crying he doesn't want to go, he isn't eating breakfast. He has gone two steps forward and many steps back. He spent all morning in the school office crying, my hubby just picked him up.

My sister recommended I speak to Child and Youth worker with the school, but she wasn't in and I spoke to the principal. she tried to assure me that these are all very normal things and its a phase that all kids go thru at all ages... i wonder if she thought i was being petty. I told her how bad it was affecting him, and i lost it and cried because she said she was going to have the CYW call me on Thursday when she is in.

I know how anxiety feels and his is definitely anxious but we need to figure it what is the root cause. can you suggest ways i can do? what more can i say/do for him, i am at a loss right now.

[monkeys]

Talk with the Child and Youth worker, they will have resources you can access. Although it could be a "phase", it sounds like it is all consuming and causing issues in all aspects of his life and he (and family) may need some help to find coping strategies that work.

My son has high anxiety and the school directed me to various resources in the community and with in the school system. It has helped out immensely.

[torontokids]

I don't know where you live but there are programs that work with schools to help children experiencing anxiety get to school. The school social workers and child and youth workers can be a good resource but they really don't have the resources (time) to do a lot of beneficial work. They will like monkey suggested direct you toward local resources.

ROCK (Reach Out Centre for Kids) has locations in Milton, Oakville and Burlington. They have a weekly walk-in clinic where you can meet with a therapist and problem solve. Sometimes one session can be enough to get them over a hump or at least to take a step in the right direction. They are children's mental health centres and specialize in working with children and families. A few of their staff have extensive experience helping kids in managing anxiety.

Other local agencies may have a school support worker or an Intensive Child and Family Therapist that can also start working with you quickly and move your son in a positive direction.

[Rachael]

Question...

When he's sitting still, not engrossed in something but say on a car journey, does he tap? Tap his finger or shake his leg, rhymically?

If there is a label in his clothing, esp one which touches his skin, does it annoy him? Does he often ask for tags around his neck to be cut out?

Does he seem just generally restless or is he often thought of as a fidgety kid?

If he's really interested in something (book, movie, video game, whatever), does he ever not actually hear you if you speak to him?

[MonkeyPrincess]

No, he doesn't tap or shake his leg. He doesn't usually complain that the tags/labels bother him. He isn't usually restless/fidgety. He can usually sit still, unless he is really bored. He can entertain himself without TV or video games, i try not to let him have more than half an hour during the week or an hour on weekends. He hears me when i speak to him, he will turn his head to speak to me when i address him.

Were you thinking of something in particular when you asked? Curious to know.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Thanks for your suggestions. I am outside Toronto.

We talked with our son yesterday. He gave us a little more insight on what is bothering him, how he is feeling, etc. It sounds like it is two kids in particular that are 'picking' on him (His words). He says these kids want to play with him and his group of friends but his friends don't want those kids to play so the kids annoy/pick on him and his friends. He didn't go into too much detail about what they do that upsets him but they have broken their snow forts in retaliation, follow them around and just "bug him'. I asked him if these kids hit/shove him, he said no. I know it probably sounds like it's not enough to warrant such high anxiety- there has to be more to the story that he isn't mentioning. Maybe they bother him more than he is letting on. Or maybe it's the conflict with these kids that is just the breaking point for all the things i mentioned in my original post.

I spoke to the Child and Youth Worker who scheduled a meeting for next week. She is going to try to have the social worker included. She suggested I mention to my son that i will be having a meeting at the school and i should invite him to come join in because he might open up. I also have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss how my son has been feeling.

[Rachael]

No, he doesn't tap or shake his leg. He doesn't usually complain that the tags/labels bother him. He isn't usually restless/fidgety. He can usually sit still, unless he is really bored. He can entertain himself without TV or video games, i try not to let him have more than half an hour during the week or an hour on weekends. He hears me when i speak to him, he will turn his head to speak to me when i address him.

Were you thinking of something in particular when you asked? Curious to know.

Yeah. My oldest son went through much of what you described when his Dad died. He was in counselling of course but it never really shifted. In HS, he was diagnosed with a type of ADHD but he had the other things I mentioned too. Some of what he was dealing with have been attributed to this strain of ADHD, others were the grief process and some of it, is a bit of both. But the things I asked are very common in ADHD so it's highly unlikely that he'd have none of those common signs if this was the issue.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Oh ok. I see. No, it's not adhd as far as I know. My son hasn't been diagnosed/tested for anything yet.

[SillyGirl_C]

I have very little to contribute other than my heartfelt hope that your little guy gets better. Anxiety is horrible. And when you are young, so difficult to put into words. It seems like so much is bothering him it is a less of a 'what' issue and more of an issue developing coping skills. If school resources aren't a fit, I would look into a Psychologist to work with him on skill building. Lots of work insurance plans cover this service. Sending you a hug.

[torontokids]

Anxiety can be triggered by anything, no matter how small it seems to us. If he already struggled with separation anxiety and now is getting bullied, makes perfect sense to me. I hope the social worker and CYW are helpful.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Thanks. I appreciate the kind words. I know how anxiety is...prime example over here, but I am keeping it in check because I don't want him to get worked up seeing me all worked up. I can totally understand his feelings because I have been there. I think some help with coping is definitely what he needs. And without a doubt the school has to do their part to help squash the 'conflict' with the other kids.

[torontokids]

A really good book I've used is"what to do when you worry too much. A kids guide to overcoming anxiety"

[MonkeyPrincess]

So i have come back to resurrect this thread because we have gotten to know more about what's going on, and i will take any advice i can get. My son still doesn't want to go to school, doesn't want to go to stay with his grandparents, doesn't want to go swimming lessons and is acting up at home. He continues to say that the one particular child is 'bullying him' at school- his words. we have had a few discussions with the child and youth worker, social worker, principal and his teacher. I am not really happy with the way things are going. I feel like he isn't being taken seriously. I feel like when i call, my concerns are being down played. Plus, i feel like i am not being filled in with what is going on at school. the initial cause of the problem may seem trivial to you or i but it's evolved to become serious enough that my son doesn't want to go to school EVERY DAY! when your kid wakes up before 7am and cries off and on all morning about not wanting to go to school, then puts up up a huge fuss at the school or bus, you know its serious. He says this kid comes to find him no matter where he is. He says he is being pushed, shoved, 'rough handled', Due to privacy laws, they can't divulge if/how the other child is being disciplined, by according to my 7 year old, no one is doing anything for him because the 'bullying' is still happening. The principal says "everyone in this situation is getting the support they need", which i guess is supposed to mean that he is being dealt with. I also asked he about the anti-bullying measures that they have in place and she told me to read the newsletters. doesn't really help me too much.

Oh to be a fly on the wall... So much for a "Bully Free zone' and "zero Tolerance Policy"

[bright sparks]

So i have come back to resurrect this thread because we have gotten to know more about what's going on, and i will take any advice i can get. My son still doesn't want to go to school, doesn't want to go to stay with his grandparents, doesn't want to go swimming lessons and is acting up at home. He continues to say that the one particular child is 'bullying him' at school- his words. we have had a few discussions with the child and youth worker, social worker, principal and his teacher. I am not really happy with the way things are going. I feel like he isn't being taken seriously. I feel like when i call, my concerns are being down played. Plus, i feel like i am not being filled in with what is going on at school. the initial cause of the problem may seem trivial to you or i but it's evolved to become serious enough that my son doesn't want to go to school EVERY DAY! when your kid wakes up before 7am and cries off and on all morning about not wanting to go to school, then puts up up a huge fuss at the school or bus, you know its serious. He says this kid comes to find him no matter where he is. He says he is being pushed, shoved, 'rough handled', Due to privacy laws, they can't divulge if/how the other child is being disciplined, by according to my 7 year old, no one is doing anything for him because the 'bullying' is still happening. The principal says "everyone in this situation is getting the support they need", which i guess is supposed to mean that he is being dealt with. Oh to be a fly on the wall... So much for a "Bully Free zone' and "zero Tolerance Policy"

I am truly sorry to hear all of this is happening to you and your son. Something similar happened to my daughter in grade 4 and well , if the principal isn't on side and there isn't a zero tolerance policy enforced by the principal, then it's like talking to a brick wall. All the while, your son who is at the centre of all this is left dealing with the consequences.

My recommendation to you if you are not happy with how this is being dealt with is to call your schools super intendant and demand an in person meeting with them, the principal and home room teacher. If they continue to insist they are doing all they can, be clear in advocating for your son by making it loud and clear that they are failing your son and that their methods are not working. File a written complaint and be sure to always leave a paper trail. Principals do not like the superintendents being dragged into it but it sounds like that's the next move.

Resolution came for my daughter because she had already been accepted to the French immersion program, late entry in grade 5, so was moving schools, however this group of girls were also going. I called ahead and spoke with the new principal explaining what had been going on and how the principal wasn't willing to call the kids parents or disclose any details to me. The confidentiality thing is BS. Fast forward a few months and one if these girls purposely tripped my daughter up on the bus. I called the principal who reported back to me 24 hours later that this girl had been given a warning and should any single event occur during school hours, on the bus or walking home that she was present at, she would lose bus privileges for the rest of the school year. This really showed me that this anti bullying/zero tolerance policy is BS. It's at the principals discretion and it's really frustrating that they don't all follow one set of board enforced rules. I regularly feel belittled by school administrators whenever I have a concern. It seems like they all stick up for each other and point the finger at the parents. This principal gave me hope and I cherish every amazing teacher who is a part of my kids life and count the seconds when we get a crappy one.

I would think that they would be able to buddy your son up with someone on his bus and for recess' if only for a short time to offer him some reassurance that he is not alone. Where the hell are all the teachers and those on recess duty keeping an eye on these kids. With a report on bullying, you'd have thought they would be keeping a closer eye. Put your foot down and keep on their case. Good Luck

[MonkeyPrincess]

You are darn right i am not giving up ;) I have also spoken to my son about standing up for himself, and walking away, and using his words, getting his friends to stand up for him, hanging out with older kids getting involved in other activities and anything else i can think of. I have tried to talk to my son about how people are different, and maybe the child doesn't realize he is being hurtful, maybe he has special needs and he doesn't realize he hurts sometimes. My son says the boy isn't special needs and he totally understands that he is upsetting him and purposely seeks my son out. This morning he was losing it and I went to the office because i had to go, i was already late getting back home for my DCK's. Plus, i wanted them to see how he gets all worked up about going to school. my daughter's teacher took him for me, thankfully because i had tears in my eyes and she took care of him so i could go....stress, i am telling you....