S.L.O.W.L.Y going crazy

[ttremble88]

Do you have a child that you need to give 85% of your attention to? I am sure that we have all had THAT child at one point or another. But I just need to vent. So apologize ahead of time!!

I have a dcg in my care. She will be 18 months soon. She has been in my care since 12 months. Right from day 1 she has been a handful. But now that my group is younger and she is a BIG girl, things are getting more stressful. Honestly, every 3-5 minutes I am redirecting her. But on top of that, she will not stay still.

But more so, her mom thinks that the behaviour is cute.

For example, she comes in and goes to the babies, puts them in a head lock, tips them backwards and the mom will say, "Awww....she is hugging them". Yes, she is hugging them but I am trying to teach her gentle hands, not to encourage it.

OR she comes in and takes the pacifers out of the younger ones mouths, waits until they cry and laughs then puts it back in. The mom will say, "Look, she is trying to sooth them!"

OR if the baby has a particular blanket that they carry around. She will come in and take it from their hands and put it onto their heads. The mom will say, "Awww, she is covering them up!"

I have talked to the mom that she is hurting, upsetting the babies and I have been working for months to stop the behaviour, but I feel like if the mom is standing their laughing at how cute it is....it is not going to change.

What do I do? I know that she is still young. But at this point I usually have the kiddies under good control, but not her. Outside of these behaviours, there are many many more.

[Rachael]

Tell my straight - it's not cute, she's not being nice. She's deliberating antagonizing the younger children and it won't be tolerated. If Mom cannot see it for what it is and get on board with really addressing it (not pretending to agree to your face and doing nothing behind your back), then she needs to find somewhere else. You have a responsibility to all the children and you aren't willing to risk several clients to save her daughter.

When Mom makes these comments, what do you say?

I'd be replying on the spot - how can you consider that a cuddle, it's an out right headlock. How can you consider her soothing when she took the soother and deliberating made the child cry in order to return it?

Bottom line - you are going to have a hard job getting this child in line with Mom sabotaging you all the way.

[ttremble88]

Oh, I let her know. I tell her every other day at pick up that "so and so did this and that"

She does not always see it, as most of the time, she just drops and out the door. But when she does, and says what she says, I will address the child. "No, so and so, be gentle". "DCG, leave her head alone".

When the mom is there and says these things, it is usually as I am sitting there attempting to teach her otherwise.

I think that at home, it is considered funny. Even when I address things that are concerning to just the DCG, she will say, "That's my girl" type remakes. For example, she runs full speed through the daycare, with her head turned sideways and more often then not, crashes into a wall.

Or when I expressed concern about the way she walks, it was shrugged off.

Or when I expressed concern that she does not have words or really any form of communication (other then squealing in a high pitched form). Or I was concerned that she does not show any understanding at her age. It was all shrugged off. She has even said that she is not concerned.

When she went to the doctor and the doc asked if she says any words, or can point to her nose when asked, or can tell you the sound a cow makes. And the answer to all of those were no, she told me she is not concerned.

[playfelt]

The kid's a bully plain and simple - good luck getting mom to see that one. As for the developmental delays up to 18 months they do somewhat shrug them off but in the case of the child I have the doctor asked to see her again at 20 months and with improvement only in some areas started to consider looking at reasons. She is not being much more closely monitored.

[Lou]

I would just jump in and correct the child right in front of mom so she realizes that you don't find it cute and that it's a behaviour you are working on correcting.

[ttremble88]

Oh, I do!!! When it happens while the mother is there, I walk away from the mother and go an correct the situation. Or attempt to. The DCG's understanding is not where I would like it to be.

So last night at pick up, I took some time to explain that DCG's behaviour will need to be worked on because she is constantly upsetting the other children. The mom asked for examples (all of which I have described to her at one point of another). So I told of three that reoccur on a daily basis:

-hugging the kids from behind, more often then no, around the neck. Tipping them backwards

-take the pacis, waiting for tear and then putting it back in the mouths

- taking the blankets and putting it over their heads and then either hitting the top of their head or laying on them

And to each of these things, the mom says "In all of those situations, she is trying to do something nice."

[bright sparks]

Oh, I do!!! When it happens while the mother is there, I walk away from the mother and go an correct the situation. Or attempt to. The DCG's understanding is not where I would like it to be.

So last night at pick up, I took some time to explain that DCG's behaviour will need to be worked on because she is constantly upsetting the other children. The mom asked for examples (all of which I have described to her at one point of another). So I told of three that reoccur on a daily basis:

-hugging the kids from behind, more often then no, around the neck. Tipping them backwards

-take the pacis, waiting for tear and then putting it back in the mouths

- taking the blankets and putting it over their heads and then either hitting the top of their head or laying on them

And to each of these things, the mom says "In all of those situations, she is trying to do something nice."

Oh my goodness some parents are just so delusional. The child is being aggressive and how is taking a child's pacifier a way of being nice. Beyond the mothers response, how did you both leave the conversation? Any plans on how you are going to work together to correct this behaviour? I don't think this child is being a bully at 18 months, simply testing boundaries, displaying challenging behaviour at an age where it is normal to, but unfortunately having it reinforced by a parent who is like their own personal cheerleader resulting in reinforcing this behaviour as acceptable. I think bullying is with intention to harm another, and perhaps it would seem that the child wants to antagonize the other kids, but I think it is actually more of an attention thing versus wanting to actually upset or hurt the other kids. It's not their response but more the caregivers response that they are after....just my perspective anyway. Ultimately I feel that you need to accept the reality that if this mother is not onboard 100%, which she clearly isn't, then you are fighting a loosing battle and as a result, the other children are suffering and your days will become more and more unpleasant. Mom doesn't think there is a problem and there is nothing you can do about that. I'd give her written notice of probation stating that if you do not see a significant improvement within the next 4 weeks then termination of care will follow and outline in the letter the importance of working together and being consistent. Maybe that will give her the kick in the ass to get her act together but it likely won't. At least you gave her every opportunity though.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I've had a few like this and IMO, some were doing it to intentionally annoy/hurt the kids but some did it because they didn't know any better, didn't realize that they were hurting and were just basically bulls in a china shop! Lol.

If you think she knows better and is doing this stuff intentionally than I agree that it needs to be stopped sooner than later so that it doesn't turn into more serious bully behaviour. Mom needs to see this as an issue so maybe a 4 week probation would be eye opening for her!

[ttremble88]

Quite honestly, the conversation did not lead very far. Actually, she pretty much ended it when she picked up dcg and she hit mom in the mouth and then went "awwww" and gave mommy hugs.

I used that exact moment as an example to point out my concern. She is doing something bad, to then do something good. (taking the paci to make baby cry and then give it back)

I talked to her again this morning quickly at drop off and she runs in and pats everyone on the head. I told her that I think that I am going to have to stop any form of contact between her and the other children, because at this point, she is not able to decipher what is gentle/good and what is not.

The mom just says that she is a gentle giant and then had to rush off to work.

[AmandaKDT]

Quite honestly, the conversation did not lead very far. Actually, she pretty much ended it when she picked up dcg and she hit mom in the mouth and then went "awwww" and gave mommy hugs.

I used that exact moment as an example to point out my concern. She is doing something bad, to then do something good. (taking the paci to make baby cry and then give it back)

I talked to her again this morning quickly at drop off and she runs in and pats everyone on the head. I told her that I think that I am going to have to stop any form of contact between her and the other children, because at this point, she is not able to decipher what is gentle/good and what is not.

The mom just says that she is a gentle giant and then had to rush off to work.

Yes, one of my rules is hands and feet to ourselves, because until they get older they have no real concept of what is nice or gentle or hurting. It is also too easy for it to go too far, or not appreciated by the other kid.

[Fun&care]

Sheesh! How aggravating for you. I think I would want to just bang my head against the wall after every convo with this parent. I totally agree with brightsparks. At this point I don't see how things are going to get better. If you can, I would put them on probation. Don't make the mistake of hanging on to this client in the hopes they will change, only to suffer yourself and have your days become more and more difficult and unpleasant. I've done it, twice, and it was the biggest mistake!

[SillyGirl_C]

I am not a daycare provider, but in this case, even from a parent perspective, I would do as suggested above and put them on probation. The mom is being dismissive and disrespectful of your concerns. I don't think she has grasped the implications if she doesn't get on board with you.
I imagine she is downplaying it because no one wants to hear bad news about their kids...but sticking her head in the sand doesn't fix the problem. Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

[mickyc]

Been there done that! My current handful has issues with being aggressive. He hit mom in the face once and mom laughed! He gets multiple time outs during the day. Mom is getting better with discipline at home but there is still so much that needs to be done. He is exhausting most days. Countdown is on - 2 years 7 months until he goes to kindergarten!

[Lee-Bee]

This is such a tricky one. At 18 months the child is NOT a bully, as no 18month old can be a bully as they just lack the mental capacity to make the decision to purposely and continually inflict pain and discomfort on a child. The child may very well be aggressive, but that is very different than a bully.

At 18 months the behaviors can be very 'normal' the key here is that the child's caregivers (especially mom and dad) are doing the right things. My daughter has done many of the things you've listed, she is not a bully and is not aggressive...she's a toddler. Toddlers lack judgement. The difference is each and every time my daughter does one of these things I am on her and teaching her that no, she cannot do that, and showing her how to attempt to 'fix' what she has done. By doing this though, like many toddlers my daughter will sometimes hit, then stop and kiss it better. It's that lack of fore thought but then realizing they've done wrong.

As a caregiver we have to watch and decide if the child is hitting then realizing their wrong and 'fixing it' or if they are just being smart and 'fixing' it as a means to get a free pass at hitting. If I hit, but quickly hug and kiss then I don't get in trouble - therefore to hit all I have to do is hug right after. That is very different then hitting and realizing they shouldn't have hit and trying to fix it.

Kids, even at 18months are very smart and know how to get away with things. Caregivers (and not just us, but parents) need to be aware of this and NEED to be shadowing their child's every move to ensure they learn appropriate behavior. It always baffles me that parents don't realize this and wait until the kid is 7,8,9+ and is having serious behavior issues at school (home and everywhere) before they start to try and "teach" their kid how to behave.

Anyways, my point is, that if the parents are not realizing that 'gentle giant' or just plain aggressive they need to respond in the same manner...which is to not accept the behavior and to teach, train and expect the child to learn boundaries. If they aren't doing this then it is so much harder on the caregivers.

Just remember that the issue usually lies in the parents...so try not to be frustrated with the child. The child, unfortunately, is getting very different expectations at home. Luckily most kids soon learn that despite getting away with this stuff at home daycare has different expectations and they start to behave as we expect under our watch.

This reminds be of a toddler I know from my daughters music class. She is about 20moinths old and the parents (both mom and dad) find it ADORABLE that their child walks up and death hugs ALL the other children, multiple times. At a glance all people see is a cute kid giving out hugs. But I am sitting there thinking teach your kid boundaries. The majority of the other kids are clearly not impressed with being forced to hug some random child. They can teach their child to ask if someone wants a hug instead of encouraging it and sitting there like they have the greatest child in the world. Gahhhhh.

[33 Daiseys]

For me in my experiences in dealing with this , child is to sit in a pack in play away from children when not sitting right there.
Hugs are al-right, any other contact ie hitting, grabbing, pushing results in immediate removal of the situation.
In both cases it resulted in my terming them. In no way in hell am i going to be having other children hurt, due to parents bs parenting.
at pick up, if she does it again, put child in time out, right in front of mom.
When mom looks shocked let her know that this behaviours are under no circumstances allowed at your home, and that from this point forward, this is the way it will be.
I'm sure her realizing that her ineptitude to parent will result in her child being reprimanded, and loosing out will let her know how serious it is.
If not cut her loose.:mad: