Argh Husbands!

[torontokids]

I am just venting, will probably be over this by the time I am done typing.

Yesterday, I bust my butt all day with the kids, my husband came home for 5pm so I could go to my daughter's teacher interview at 5:30 and he stayed home with my younger daughter. Once all my DC kids are picked up I rush over. The teacher is running behind so I wait to see her. Meet the teacher, pick up my oldest at her B&A care just down the hall and head home. My husband doesn't think to figure something out for supper, empty the dishwasher or anything really. He sat on the computer while my daughter watched a movie. Awesome. We had no real food in the house so I whipped some eggs up and we eat. Both girls want my attention and so does my husband. He keeps trying to tell me stuff that happened at work but really I am juggling 8 balls at this point and don't care. I take both girls upstairs for their bath, my eldest reminds me I promised her I would teach her a magic trick from her magic set. Get them both milk and a snack (my husband is on the computer again at this point), do stories, put them to bed. Throw a load in the washer, start the dishwasher and go grocery shopping. Come back and he's watching a movie. He didn't think to empty the recycling, the garbage or the full green bin while I was out. I put the groceries away, and empty garbage etc and go to bed.

He has the day off today, took it off so he could take my eldest out for her PD day. He told me he was getting up at 8. No sign of him. My daughter stayed with me in DC which was nice actually as she was a big help. She ate lunch and then I sent her up to find her dad and ask when they're going. I come upstairs after all the DC kids are down for nap and he says to me "why do you look so angry?" I almost flipped on him but didn't want to wreck my daughter's time with him as they were just heading out. I just said "I'm exhausted."

I know I need to speak up but I am just so annoyed and whenever I have an issue it some how always becomes about me so I don't ever bring anything up and this happens...I stew. I just wish he''d take some initiative.

I also felt myself feeling crabby and just being grumpy with my girls last night. He got to be the fun one today taking my daughter to "reptilia' as well.

Silver lining- they left so late that I have the house to myself at nap time...

[AmandaKDT]

Even if it ends in a fight, you need to straight out tell him that you can't and shouldn't do everything. If you don't tell him what is wrong, you are just going to get more resentful. Don't let it go, stand up for yourself! :yes:

I have found that guys can be pretty clueless about that kind of stuff, and you need to tell him what YOU need.

[JennJubie]

Wow. I would be super pissed. I must have hit the jack pot, because my husband takes our kids out on a regular basis to give me alone time. Loads and unloads dishwasher, does laundry, cooks dinner. Right from the start I told him I expected him to. We both work equally as hard, and he gets done work before I do, so he starts the housework. Perhaps he's just doing it out of the goodness of his heart, or perhaps he's trying to avoid the snarling beast that I become if I'm left to do everything. ;)

[Fun&care]

You need to pick a fight. Really, you do. I learned the hard way...I am actually on the edge of a burnout. Exhausted doesnt even cover it. A large part of why or how I got here (though there are many other reasons) was because I did everything, all the time. A few weeks ago it all came to a head, it came to the point of almost costing our marriage, but my husband finally has picked up his feet and he is helping out a lot more. but years and years of overwork has taken its toll and I've been recently diagnosed with adrenal fatigue.

Don't wait until it takes its toll on your health! He needs to get real and start helping out ASAP, and you need to pick as many fights as it takes for him to get on board! If you aren't speaking up you are essentially teaching him that his behavior is ok.

[torontokids]

Yeah, I know...For the most part its OK and he does do stuff.

We have our "jobs" where things don't get questioned but even these are unbalanced. It is mostly the other undivided tasks that end up falling to me.

His List
Takes our DD to school every morning
Garbage out once a week
Snow shoveling/mow the lawn
Reads to the girls every other night.
Takes the girls to Dr appts
Does his own landry/ironing
Makes his lunch for work the next day
Takes care of the car


My list
Groceries
Get the girls ready in the morning
Cook
General household management like banking, call the teacher, book dr appts, hair cuts etc
Bath time
Read/bedtime with girls every other night.
Clean the DC
Make DD's school lunch
Any heavy cleaning

We hired a maid a yr a go (because I snapped and told him we didn't have a choice) and it has made a huge difference for me. She comes bi weekly. Before we hired her my husband did the vacumming.

I think its the things like the dishwasher, general cleaning etc. Or when I have a lot on one particular night.

[torontokids]

Looking at the lists I think its because I have a lot of every day stuff to do whereas he has a lot more "as needed" tasks like shoveling.

[AcornsFalling]

My husband is like yours. Clueless about what needs to be done. Over 15 years of being together I have learned that stewing and fuming, he won't notice. Now when I want something done, I ask and usually he is happy to help. It's those day to day chores that he doesn't realize need to be done. So I tell him I need help, and if he doesn't get up and help me he will hear about it!

[AmandaKDT]

Yeah, I know...For the most part its OK and he does do stuff.

We have our "jobs" where things don't get questioned but even these are unbalanced. It is mostly the other undivided tasks that end up falling to me.

His List
Takes our DD to school every morning
Garbage out once a week
Snow shoveling/mow the lawn
Reads to the girls every other night.
Takes the girls to Dr appts
Does his own landry/ironing
Makes his lunch for work the next day
Takes care of the car


My list
Groceries
Get the girls ready in the morning
Cook
General household management like banking, call the teacher, book dr appts, hair cuts etc
Bath time
Read/bedtime with girls every other night.
Clean the DC
Make DD's school lunch
Any heavy cleaning

We hired a maid a yr a go (because I snapped and told him we didn't have a choice) and it has made a huge difference for me. She comes bi weekly. Before we hired her my husband did the vacumming.

I think its the things like the dishwasher, general cleaning etc. Or when I have a lot on one particular night.

Everything you have on your husbands list is what my husband does - plus he helps with laundry (not just his own), does all the vacuuming, changes sheets on the beds, helps with washing the floors, and almost always does all the bath and bedtime stuff for our girls. Plus now that I am having trouble with my hands and feet he does most of the dishes too. And if I need him to help me with anything else I just ask him. Even with all that, it feels like we barely keep up with the demands of chores and children. So, I can't imagine doing it all like you have been doing. Of course you are tired! :-(

[CrazyEight]

Yep, mine's the same way. You could do what I did - start letting more and more slide because you're so exhausted you can't think straight and no longer care - and hope that eventually he picks up some slack. Haha...it wasn't planned that way, but it worked! He now takes care of his and the kids' laundry, whereas before I did it all. I also told him that if he's going to sleep in every morning while I get myself up, get our three kids up and fed and dressed, AND deal with 5 dckids, he's going to pack their lunches the night before, because I don't have time. He hates it, but I truly don't care. He gets an extra hour and a half of sleep every morning and gets to only worry about himself!! He has time for a shower every morning, while I have to steal my showers every other night after the kids go to bed.

Good luck....it's still an ongoing battle, as I think it is with many people here. Men seem to think that if we're home all day, obviously we have all the time in the world to do household chores, on top of running a business!!

[5 Little Monkeys]

I agree with the others. Even though it might result in a fight, I think you should tell him how you feel.

We don't have kids but we still sometimes fight over the "chores". I used to get so mad after doing all the household chores for daycare and than come upstairs and have to do ours. I still sometimes feel like that but I have to stop and remind myself that the dc chores don't count because it's my job and he has his own job. We have to share our chores and if I'm being honest and actually think about it, he likely does more in the long run!! He always does both our laundry and all the outside work except I shovel the backyard for dc so they have room to play. We mostly share the chore of dishes but I usually do all the cooking and meal planning but he comes grocery shopping with me, does the vacuuming and the bathrooms. He'll even clean the daycare 1-2X bi-weekly. He always takes the garbage and recycling out as well. I clean the daycare and the odd time I do the bathrooms.

As I type this I feel like I'm the typical husband....I don't do nearly as much as he does!!! Lol. But I do have to say, I have the harder paid job and am usually more physically and mentally exhausted than he is.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

I think you were right to be annoyed BUT men don't have a crystal ball!!

Just because you know if it was the other way round, you would be jumping in to help, that doesn't mean he's entirely to blame for not acting how you wanted him to act but you hadn't told him what you expected. LOL

I think women are the biggest own enemy. We met a great guy, we want to look like we have our stuff together, so we work our jobs and run our homes super smooth to show how great we are. Then we get married. We keep working full time outside the house and doing the house stuff because we always have and sometime we get grumpy because we want him to see we don't' stop but we huff and puff and don't actually use our words and speak in simple sentence.

At that place we should tell him that : Hey - we both work FT and we both work hard. Can we renegotiate the division of labour for tasks at home cause I'm drowning in all I'm trying to do and I'm getting a bit resentful when if feels like you are sitting resting up after work yet I'm still running around."

But we never say it. Sometimes when he says what is wrong, we say nothing and he believes us. Who is fault is that? His for believe or us for not saying?

Then we have babies and stay home so we feel we do the house stuff and he work outside the house and is a bit fairer until we go back to work again. And so it goes and so it goes.

Stop pretending like it is all good. But both of you to blame not just him for not magic reading your mind or not seeing situation like a women does.

Tell him that you need help. Not just sometimes but on-going cause you both work a lot, and you both parents of the children and everyone makes mess not just one person so why is one person doing it.

Tell him you need to renegotiate so both have some home jobs not just one person and then give specific jobs each. And leave him to do so. So what if he buys different grocery brand then you. Give him the job but you have to not be control over his task and accept that he does his task his way not your way.

But he cannot be blamed for not doing something he didn't know you needed him to do.

That unfair. And don't be resentful if he doesn't think like you - he is different person. His brain is not mapped to your brain.

But don't look at other people list like above. This is not a competition of how much my husband does comparing to how much your husband does or her husband does. That is foolish.
Someone else agreement with partner is someone else's agreement and not business of any other. Figure out what suits you two not what others say suited them.

[AmandaKDT]

I think you were right to be annoyed BUT men don't have a crystal ball!!

Just because you know if it was the other way round, you would be jumping in to help, that doesn't mean he's entirely to blame for not acting how you wanted him to act but you hadn't told him what you expected. LOL

I think women are the biggest own enemy. We met a great guy, we want to look like we have our stuff together, so we work our jobs and run our homes super smooth to show how great we are. Then we get married. We keep working full time outside the house and doing the house stuff because we always have and sometime we get grumpy because we want him to see we don't' stop but we huff and puff and don't actually use our words and speak in simple sentence.

At that place we should tell him that : Hey - we both work FT and we both work hard. Can we renegotiate the division of labour for tasks at home cause I'm drowning in all I'm trying to do and I'm getting a bit resentful when if feels like you are sitting resting up after work yet I'm still running around."

But we never say it. Sometimes when he says what is wrong, we say nothing and he believes us. Who is fault is that? His for believe or us for not saying?

Then we have babies and stay home so we feel we do the house stuff and he work outside the house and is a bit fairer until we go back to work again. And so it goes and so it goes.

Stop pretending like it is all good. But both of you to blame not just him for not magic reading your mind or not seeing situation like a women does.

Tell him that you need help. Not just sometimes but on-going cause you both work a lot, and you both parents of the children and everyone makes mess not just one person so why is one person doing it.

Tell him you need to renegotiate so both have some home jobs not just one person and then give specific jobs each. And leave him to do so. So what if he buys different grocery brand then you. Give him the job but you have to not be control over his task and accept that he does his task his way not your way.

But he cannot be blamed for not doing something he didn't know you needed him to do.

That unfair. And don't be resentful if he doesn't think like you - he is different person. His brain is not mapped to your brain.

But don't look at other people list like above. This is not a competition of how much my husband does comparing to how much your husband does or her husband does. That is foolish.
Someone else agreement with partner is someone else's agreement and not business of any other. Figure out what suits you two not what others say suited them.

I never put a list of what my husband does in order to be in competition with anybody, nor did the other ladies I am sure. I was just trying to show that other working mothers out there have husbands that help more, so it is okay for her to ask for more. She posted a list of what her husband does, and what she does. Nobody here is being foolish, just trying to encourage and support.

[JennJubie]

No one was trying to make it into a competition, we were just trying to give some insight.

As for not blaming him for "something he didn't know he was supposed to do".... he IS an adult, yes? Can he not at least ask what needs to be done? Unless our husbands believe that the housework is done by magical house elves, than they do understand that there is work to be done.

I'm not saying to make him guess what needs to be done, I'm just saying that I understand why the OP is so frustrated. It's a matter of respect. When our husbands do squat and we're working our butts off, and they know we are, it's just disrespectful.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

We have older kids so our situation is a bit different, but I know I always find it helpful to get as much input as possible when having a problem, so thought \I'd share anyway :)

We have always negotiated chores and revisited who does what on a fairly regular basis, as things are constantly changing in a family (outside jobs, children growing older, new babies arriving, new homes, etc). Not everyone is naturally observant and will step in to do what's needed, so clear expectations are hugely helpful!

One thing we implemented very early on and still do over 20 years later, is that my husband 'checks in' with me when he gets home from work or when I need to go out, am sick, or any other time I might need extra help. He always says, "What can I do?" It's an acknowledgement that he's not sure what I've already done and what still needs to be done, plus gives me a chance to prioritize what will help me the most.

This is what we do too. We decide early on that no resentment is allowed, have to speak up loud and clear if not happy and each focus on how we can make other persons life easier today and every day.

We say "What can I do for you today?" - so very much alike you. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

No one was trying to make it into a competition, we were just trying to give some insight.

As for not blaming him for "something he didn't know he was supposed to do".... he IS an adult, yes? Can he not at least ask what needs to be done? Unless our husbands believe that the housework is done by magical house elves, than they do understand that there is work to be done.

I'm not saying to make him guess what needs to be done, I'm just saying that I understand why the OP is so frustrated. It's a matter of respect. When our husbands do squat and we're working our butts off, and they know we are, it's just disrespectful.

That goes two way. If you are going to expect him be adult and ask why is it not unreasonable that you are adult too and so speak?

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? LOL

It's only disrespectful of him if he really sees you being unhappy and ignores it but if you are always whining about how he does things when he helping, if you are always telling him you are fine when you are not, if you aren't opening your mouth and taking some responsibility for not resolving the situation, you are being disrespectful to whine behind his back when you don't have the sense to speak to his face.

You would rather spend 5 minutes arguing about being right with me, than speaking to the man you are meant to love and explaining that you aren't happy about something in your house? That makes no sense because winning or losing a word battle with me changes nothing in your homes. LOL

Why not go fix things rather than complain to strangers about disrespect?

Do you not think it's disrespectful to complain to strangers yet not give same data to husband? That is crazy.

[33 Daiseys]

I agree. I am starting to think that a few others do not fully understand what this site is for. Some times we just need a place to vent to others who understand where we are coming from, so that when husband comes home, we can confront him with a clear head, and not go into situation with a hot head so to speak.

[JennJubie]

That goes two way. If you are going to expect him be adult and ask why is it not unreasonable that you are adult too and so speak?

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? LOL

It's only disrespectful of him if he really sees you being unhappy and ignores it but if you are always whining about how he does things when he helping, if you are always telling him you are fine when you are not, if you aren't opening your mouth and taking some responsibility for not resolving the situation, you are being disrespectful to whine behind his back when you don't have the sense to speak to his face.

You would rather spend 5 minutes arguing about being right with me, than speaking to the man you are meant to love and explaining that you aren't happy about something in your house? That makes no sense because winning or losing a word battle with me changes nothing in your homes. LOL

Why not go fix things rather than complain to strangers about disrespect?

Do you not think it's disrespectful to complain to strangers yet not give same data to husband? That is crazy.

Actually, things in my house run just fine, thank you. I do talk to the man I love rather than "whining behind his back" I was referring to the OPs issue. I included in my first post about all the wonderful things my husband does for me, and then you accused that we were making it a competition.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

Actually, things in my house run just fine, thank you. I do talk to the man I love rather than "whining behind his back" I was referring to the OPs issue. I included in my first post about all the wonderful things my husband does for me, and then you accused that we were making it a competition.

Just because I don't agree with your methods that does not mean you bashing mine will change my mind. You can call me out with your justifications for your every statement if you want to do that but I don't have to change my view to suit yours.

I see this lots on some persons posts, two or three members in particular. Someone makes a question asking for opinion and if you or one more doesn't like it, you get defensive about your house/your daycare/your husband like this is only way to do it right. Why is no one allowed to have opinion not same as yours and you pick apart but when someone does same to you, you get defensive.

We teach people how to treat us and I think your and the other person who does this a lot, don't like being treated the way you treat others, Maybe you should think about reap what you sow and then you won't seem so unhappy about everything with like victim tones.

[JennJubie]

Wow. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I'm out. Congratulations... you win. I hope it makes your day.

[mimi]

Suzie Homemaker suggests the other posters should tell their husbands what they need/want done.

The issue is why must we suggest the obvious? That is what gets some of us angry. Can hubby not see the garbage needs changing, the floor needs vacuuming or perhaps have grilled cheese and soup for dinner waiting for when we and the kiddies get home from an activity?

We spend all day telling others what to do, how to do it and then clean up after them. It is our job and for the most part we enjoy it. However, at some point significant other needs to understand that the obvious chores need doing and the routine of caring for the kids needs to be accomplished in a timely fashion and we don't want to dictate the obvious every day. Think for yourselves gentlemen.

I remember coming home around 5:30 on a Saturday from running errands all day to find hubby and child looking at me as I placed multiple packages on the floor and then asked what I was going to make for dinner. Let's just say I'm surprised the roof didn't come off when I addressed their question LOL

After having a few rants over the years, my hubby has become very helpful and I in return try to help him with the outdoor chores he does to show him we are best when we work together.

Suzie H is fortunate she has a husband who asks what can I do to help you, but she fails to see that she still has to tell him what to do:) and Suzie H try not to preach. Practical informative advice would be just fine

[5 Little Monkeys]

I don't think anyone was turning it into a competition.

However, I do think that some women just think "oh, he's a man so I just have to put up with doing it all because I'm the wife/mother". I think it's important for women to know this isn't true...there are guys out there that do their fair share or more!

[torontokids]

Thought I should reply as OP.

I appreciate all your answers, really! First- I didn't find people mentioning what their husband does creating a competition but found it helpful to know that I wasn't out to lunch that I should expect more from my husband.

I am a pretty direct person but the issue with division of labour is something I struggle with addressing with him. I think because I feel like we have done this before but also because I don't want to be "a nag." Helpful to know that this is a continual issue to bring up and revisit.

I addressed things with my husband and things are good. He is going to help out more and so far has been. We had guests coming over on Sunday and he asked me if he could help with anything. We went out that night for a belated V-Day and I used that as an example of how I want things to be and he said he will start doing this. Now that we've spoken about it I am going to be more demanding of what I want. For example if it is a night that I have to go grocery shopping I will let him know he needs to do the bath and bedtime. This is something we normally do but it doesn't really happen unless I ask...I am hoping for more initiation but I am not holding my breath on that one. I am also giving myself permission not to feel guilty when I ask for him to do these things.

My girls have a rest/nap time every weekend afternoon. Today I read/napped during their nap time and cleaned the daycare when they woke up and my husband watched them. Normally I would have cleaned during their nap and played with them when they woke up. Also, we were going to a family day event and my husband wasn't ready to go (he was trying to buy AC/DC tickets and couldn't get through online). I took the girls on my own and gave him a list of things to do while we were gone...he did it all.

My MIL has said she will watch our girls if we want to do a monthly date night so I have already booked the next one with her. This is another thing that would never happen unless I set it up. Things are moving in the right direction, thanks!

[5 Little Monkeys]

Good to hear!! :)

[JennJubie]

Glad you worked things out! :D

[Suzie_Homemaker]

Suzie Homemaker suggests the other posters should tell their husbands what they need/want done.

The issue is why must we suggest the obvious? That is what gets some of us angry. Can hubby not see the garbage needs changing, the floor needs vacuuming or perhaps have grilled cheese and soup for dinner waiting for when we and the kiddies get home from an activity?

We spend all day telling others what to do, how to do it and then clean up after them. It is our job and for the most part we enjoy it. However, at some point significant other needs to understand that the obvious chores need doing and the routine of caring for the kids needs to be accomplished in a timely fashion and we don't want to dictate the obvious every day. Think for yourselves gentlemen.

I remember coming home around 5:30 on a Saturday from running errands all day to find hubby and child looking at me as I placed multiple packages on the floor and then asked what I was going to make for dinner. Let's just say I'm surprised the roof didn't come off when I addressed their question LOL

After having a few rants over the years, my hubby has become very helpful and I in return try to help him with the outdoor chores he does to show him we are best when we work together.

Suzie H is fortunate she has a husband who asks what can I do to help you, but she fails to see that she still has to tell him what to do:) and Suzie H try not to preach. Practical informative advice would be just fine

I not preach just explain how we address. Sorry, English not my first language.

I really see that men don't always see obvious thing women do - that real gender difference. I don't have to tell mine what to do but we married long time now. He does still ask if there is something extra he can do each day in case there is, like grab dry clean on way home or milk.

I think you think I give list but I only do that for 6 year old child not grown man who have openly talked to for many years.

Issue is when don't openly talk and then expect them to be you, read your mind, see what you see. That is a lot to expect from person if you behave like mute. That is passing all responsibility on one person to put themselves in your boots but you refusing to put yourself in their boots and simply speak.

I think some people here too busy trying to be right rather than happy.


They like to say he should see, he should know, he should understand vs putting in his position where he might think why didn't she tell me before she got upset, why didn't she speak out sooner, why did she bottle up until explode and I didn't see coming, why would she test me to see if I am thinking/seeing things like she does.

When you test people on how well they know you, how they should be able to guess your expectations, how they should see your home and what needs doing, that person will always fail because you are keeping the rules and the test secret. So many games. No wonder some frustrate.